♧
Sadness swallows me completely when I am seated in Harry's car. The windows are opened and welcome a pleasant breeze. My hair is getting a mess, but I can not seem to care. All sorts of trees pass us and they all look happier than me.
I look over at handsome man beside me and once again fall in love with the sight of him. My eyes become teary when thinking of leaving him on his vulnerable own. I shake my head, reminding myself I will see him again; I will make his life better. No one can tear us apart.
Only we can -- which one of us is doing now. Harry's frustration is clear when I observe him. His eyesbrows are unrelaxed and the look in his eyes tells a story. His hands turn white because of the pressure on the steering wheel.
Harry is so beautiful, so mesmerising, but a mind so dangerous to all who enter it.
I fiddle with my hands in my lap, too nervous for our upcoming goodbye. But I tell myself to stay calm and just live in the moment, where I am still with him and I can still enjoy his presence.
My eyes are starting to
water when I think about what
is yet to come and I hear my
ears drumming loudly in my head.
Tears are spilling out of my
eyes and I does not take long
before Harry starts to notice
what is happening.
I try to look away
and let him believe nothing is wrong,
but he knows me all too well.
He immediately races to the side
of the busy road and pulls the brakes.
I feel my breathing getting
caught in my throat and I
try to create a regular rhythm.
My face is roughly taken
in his hands and I feel
their texture.
I am met by his eyes
and they stare at me in such
a loving and calming way
I start panicking more,
thinking about missing that look.
"Darling, breath in and out,
come on now,"
he comforts me,
his huge hands still on the sides
of my face.
Once again,
we find ourselves in a situation
where we rely on eachother.
Where he helps me and I find
comfort in his way of speaking to me
and touching me.
I can not live without him,
it will be impossible.
I will break and I know,
seperated he will too.
My chest suddenly tightens
and I feel myself losing
all control I once had.
He notices and he grabs me
even harder.
"June! Notice my breathing
and follow it. Come on, angel.
I am here,"
he kissed my forehead,
"I am by your side."
But not for long,
I think and immediately
regret it because it makes my
breaking point even worse.
I parten my lips and
try to speak up,
my lips are dry and I feel them
hurting when I stretch them.
I cough and do anything
to make me say the words
I want to let go,
but my body does not obey.
My voice is nowhere to be found.
Harry kisses my skin,
in his reach everything he
can touch is his to be touched.
His hands taking care
of me like a little porcelain doll.
Soothing my long brown
hair and carressing the
skin of my face.
His rings scratching my skin,
but not in hurtful way,
in one that distracts me
from my own demons.
As always I am amazed by him;
his beauty, his soul,
his mind, his touch.
I love him.
How he speaks with
passion from his inner
twisted mind,
whose mind I have grown
to adore and love.
A magnificant vision
of chaos is what we are.
Always getting ourselves
carried away,
tangled in eachothers arms.
"Yes, like that. My lover. You can win this, defeat them."
Embraced like we are supposed to.
Holding the one we love and
are expected to let go.
Leaving eachother in nowhere,
in the dark and stepping into the light.
Him going to the right,
me going to the left.
Our ways will go different
directions and not once
will they cross.
My Harry, my lover.
Born to be alone,
to be without me.
A sad story we are living,
but one so true and so
realistic.
Two persons,
different but in a way
completely the same.
Found one another in such
a fucked up way,
leaving eachother in a sad way.
I feel his lips on my face
and they trace their way
over my skin.
"Breathe in and out."
As slowly as ever,
I regain my normal rhythm.
I wet my dry lips with my tongue,
saliva spreading over them.
I watch him and see him
doing the same.
Staring at eachother we do the
thing we love to do the most;
loving.
I take his hands in mine
and I kiss them with my lips.
Wetting the skin and carressing the skin of his beautiful hands.
I hear him taking
a deep breath,
before letting the air escape again.
I think about every past event,
such things I never thought
would happen in my life.
I look at his rings one by one
and decide the one with
the rose is the one I like
the most.
I observe the tiny thing
on his slender finger and
he watches me carefully.
"I like this one the most,"
I explain,
"A pretty rose, like you always gave me."
He smiles and nods.
His eyes sparkling with joy
but I know after I leave they
will never find that sparkle again.
He looks at the tiny thing
and his other hand slides
the thing off his finger.
He takes my hand in his
and opens mine,
he puts the silver ring in it and after he closes my hand.
I shoot a questioning look
in his direction and I ask him
why he did that.
"Keep the ring. I want you to have it,"
his hand is on the skin of my face again, as always carressing it.
"My June, keep the thing and never forget me, see the ring and think about us, what we were and could have been. Dream.
Dream about me, about us."
Tears are ready to spill out
and they do, they do and I find
myself smiling through it.
"Thank you Harry. I will never forget you, never. I love you. I always will."
He takes my head in his hands
and pulls me towards him,
his lips crash with mine
and we share a kiss so passionate,
I feel our pain.
My tears landing on our locked
lips, we taste them.
Still standing on the
side of the road in the car, we
cherish the last moments
we have and it is him that
breaks our kiss and makes
me crave them again.
With swollen lips and
red cheeks, he is so beautiful
and I find myself longing to touch him,
everything of him.
"We have to stop doing this,
it makes our goodbye harder and I don't want to go to far."
I furrow my eyebrows and
I look over at him on the left side
of the car.
"I don't mind, Harry. I love you."
He shakes his head and
it makes me even more confused.
"You should save it for someone with a healthy mind, I am not worthy your love, nor I am worthy your touch."
"What? No, stop this nonsense! Why can't we just live together? Why are you doing like this? You don't want it too."
Again he shakes his head
and sad eyes are looking at me.
"We can't. You need to live your life. It was a mistakes of me to enter yours. I should have stayed in the shadows. You will have a wonderful life, have a wonderful job, marry someone, have children."
"But I want to be with you.."
I whisper, a small, vulnerable noise heard in the car.
He does not say anything
and starts the car,
our last few hours have almost
passed.
My life without him
is almost at the beginning
amd although I don't want it,
there is nothing I can do about it than to let him go and follow my own life.
Both losing ourselves and
knowing it of eachother
we do what is best for everyone around us, not for us.
•////
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