Bella is from the Ghetto and thinks she's black.
Edward wears pink neck-ties and kids himself that he's straight.
Emmett is really an Albino Werewolf and goes of to elope with Jacob.
Alice is really a Tranny.
Rosalie isn't a natural blonde and gets lipo-suction.
Jasper is really a ghost.
Charlie secretly knows how to cook but fakes it because if Bella's cooking, she finally shuts up.
Esme is bi-polar.
Carlisle is still trying to figure out how to pronounce his name.
~
"Gurl, I tell you, if this Eduardo guy ain't even Mexican, I'm not even trying." Bella said, snapping her fingers. Her best friend, Jessica whispers next to her.
"Gurl, that guy aint be like'n none of us gurls. He aint like'n us Ghettos OR da Cholos. Cuz Lauren's a Cholo an' he rejected her.' Jessica nods as she purses her lips.
Suddenly the familiar music 'barbie girl' plays and Edward walks into the cafeteria.
He be all sparkly, an he be wearin' a pink tie, an' his haiir be all purty an shit.
"Sumthin's off about dat white boy." Bella says, eyeing the pink tie. "Gurl, if we knew da secrets of White Boys, we'd be givin' birth to dem little snow-assed babies everyday." Jessica says, while adjusting her dreads.
Eduardo looks ova at Bella and tries to figure out y he can't read her mind. Little does he know, Bella's mind is clogged up like a toilet in da men's bathroom, filled with dem Playboy Magazines.
"Gurl, he be starin' at yer." Jessica whispers. "Nu-uh," Bella says while adjusting her weave.
"Gurl go get sum." Jessica pushes Bella in the direction of Edward.
"Wuddup white thang?" Bella says while sitting down next to Eduardo. "Booy, Ur ass is as flat as an empty Cheeto's bag. Iz so sexii." Bella whispers while flipping her weave over.
"Cheerio there young African-American spirit. The weather reminds me of Jolly old England here in this town, Spork." Eduardos accent makes him sound like a --
"Bitch say what?" Bella says as she raises an over-plucked eyebrow.
"Excuse me? What a foul tongue you have!" Eduardo says while fixing his powder puff pink tie.
"Booy, that ain't the only foul thang I gotz," Bella purrs into Edward's ear.
"Bella," Mike calls frum the table she was sitting at with Jessica. Lauren and the Asian chick have already arrived.
"Booy, wait for me in the parking lot next to that sexii ass Volvo u gotz. Imma pimp yo ride." bella winks as she goes back to her cliques table.
Bella saunters over to her table, and sits next to her BF, Mike.
"Bitch, wat did I tell u about talkin' to dem Clorox White Ass people?" Mika (mike) asks,
"I kno, but after seein' dat Justin Bieber guy I gots to get da White. Plus, Canada is close to England, rite?"
"Look, Nigahh, this aint gonna work. You'z to black." Bella says as Mika shrivels up and dies.
The bell rings to go home so Bella gets up and walks over to Eduardo's Volvo.
She scratches her name on the paint as an Imprint on Eduardo forever.
Eduardo appears and throws her in the trunk of his Volvo.
"Gurl, I did not sign up for gang-rape." Bella mutters from the trunk of the Volvo.
~
"We are here at my jolly home, were my mum and dud (dad), sus (sis) and bub (bro) live."
"The fuck?" Bella asks.
"This is were my homies live.' Eduardo says.
We walk into the house and Bella is immediately pummeled by a short fat guy.
"Balls, I mean, Bella dahling, this is my sister, Allen-- I mean, Alice." Eduardo stutters in his pine cone sounding (wtf) English accent.
"Ello der Bella dahling' Alice says, she has weird-ass flippy brown hair cut in a horrible style (yea, Alice looks like shit in the movie. I said it. I mean, seriously! she has weird ass flippy hairr!)
She's wearing a shiny expensive looking blue tube top (that's weird.. she has no boobs!) and her hairy stomach is hanging out. she's wearing a mini skirt as well. she be one hairy ass chika.
"Bella... you smell sow glooorious!!!!!!! exactly like SPICY cheetos!" Alice says as she reveals fangs and starts chomping on my neck.
"Iz u a Chupacabra or sumthin?" Bella asks.
"No. I am completely normal." Alice purrs into bella's ear.
"Oh ok. I believe you niggah." Bella says while blood pours down from her neck.
Eduardo shifts uncomfortably as he guides Bella through the rest of the house.
"Gurl, this place be so open and bright and shit." bella says.
"What were you expecting? Homo-phoebes and the pope?" Eduardo asks.
"The fuck?" Bella asks.
"I MEAN, What where you expecting? Motes and coffins?" Eduardo asks.
Suddenly a white-ass stick insect gurl jumps on Bella and claws her face.
"I'm Rosalie. I hate you because you smell good and I'm secretly a lesbian, so instead of loving you I'm going to pretend to hate you to hide my true feelings." She says while climbing off bella's face.
She has bleach-blonde hair, is way too skinny and can barely move her face (im guessing botox)
Rosalie suddenly turns around and falls into a crack in the floor.
"That was my sister." Eduardo says.
He then takes Bella up to his room (which is not pressuring or sexual in any way)
"Bitch, you aint got no bed." Bella says while staring at the clean Pottery Barn decorated room.
"Well, I don't sleep."
"Oh. I see, Nigaah. You sleep at bitch's houses every night so you don't need no farkin bed." Bella says.
"No--"
"Ooooh, Is dis your musique? (music)" Bella asks as she snoops at the CDs.
"Claire De Lune?" Bella asks as she looks at the cover.
"The fuck is this? English porn?" Bella asks as she throws the CD to one corner of the room.
"No its--"
"Ohh... Beet-Oven. (Beethoven) I love his song 'Smack that skanky ho." Bella says as she puts back the CD.
"Come on, bella dahling. Lets go downstairs." Eduardo says as they reach the basement.
There is a piano that is being lit by beautiful light from a window over it.
"Ooooh, Niggah didn't tell me he was Musiquel! (musical)" bella says as she sits down in front of the piano.
"I wantz 2 play u sumthin. It's classical, It's by Beet-oven. (Beethoven.) is called Poke Da Hoe."
Bella starts sitting on the Piano Keys and humping them.
"it's a bettyful peace of Musique, isn't it?" Bella says while sitting down on the Piano Bench again.
"Um... Sure." Eduardo says.
Suddenly a big Albino looking guy rushes into the room.
"This is me brotha, Emmett." Edward says regally
Emmett suddenly takes his shirt off and puts vanilla ice-cream all over his nipples and puts two cherries on top of that. He then proceeds to hump the piano.
Suddenly, at the end of this magikal ceremony thingie, he turns into a giant albino wolf.
"Well, bleach my butt and call me speechless!' Eduardo says, gazing at Emmett and his wolfie-ness.
"Niggah, you as white as an albino baby." Bella says.
Emmett morphs back into a human. "I am a werewolve, and am also a vampire. I am the only one of my kind, and because of this I am too good for Rosalie and the rest of you. I am leaving with.. El Hacob." Suddenly, salsa music begins playing, and Jacob saunters in, his long flowing black hair tumbling down his muscled, tan back.
"Emmett, Let us go now!" Hacob says with his Mexican accent.
"Gurl, I thots u wuz American Indiana?" Bella says.
"I cannot talk to ugly stupid people. Please fall on a knife and die." Hacob says as he morphs into a wolf, along with Emmett and they race of into the sunset.
"What a nice gurl." Bella says.
~
A ghost suddenly comes into the room.
'Ah, Bella this is my relative -- adoptive brother to be exact -- Jasper Emile Ualo Nigerta Kelson Battlesir Cullen. He was a military man, and is a couple with my relative -- adoptive sister to be exact -- Alice Demour Insight Kalsen Ranugo Cullen. Now--"
"The fuck died in your tight ass? Stop yapping beotch.' Bella says as she says hello to Jasper the Ghost.
Jasper then leaves the room.
"I HATE YOU ALL GO DIE!!!!!!1" Esme screams as she enters the room.
"Oh, hello there sweety, my name is Esme and I'm Edwards whiny half developed-character adoptive mother. I killed myself and magicaly lived. I am a dormat to everyone and half the time no one mentions me."
"ITS OK JUST STUFF ME AWAY IN THE BACK OF THE CLOSET WHEN YOU DON'T WANT ME!!!!!!" she screams.
"And take me out only to ask me for favors.." Esme starts sobbing.
A man suddenly enters the room.
He gives us a dazeling smile. "Hello. My name is CHANISE!" wait... no.. Carlie? Carsilsie?" Charlie? no, no... Carata? Carslislie? Carena? Cat?" the man is obviously confused and beyond stupid.
"Ah, this is my relative -- adoptive father to be excact-- Carlisle Ean Legouth Vanderbot Yogenslaut VII the forth, now he is originally from Uranus--" Edwards trattles on, in his nasally english accent.
"I'll tell you what's gonna go up Uranus if you keep blabbering like god damned Little bo-peep." Bella says as she tries not to kill Edward.
Alice suddenly walks into the room, massaging her giant hairy stomach with wipped cream. "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!" She says as she rubs up against Carlisle.
"Ooh, Bella. You are here in time for family game night. Since Emmett is now 'eloping' with Jacob you can take his place.
'Gurl, as I have said before, I did not sign up for gang rape." Bella eyes the weird ass white ass family as she walks out of the door, still bleeding from her neck wound, were she colapses on the floor.
"Family game night is so..." Alice trails off as 'her' eyes turn red.
"Fun," Rosalie finishes, with a demonic smile as they eye passed out Bella on the floor.
"THIS BITCH BETTER NOT HAVE AN STD!!!!!!!!!!!!" Esme screams as she claws Bellas body.
The,
End.
~
Okay, so the snake-y at the mouse-y and then got AIDS!
Hi, my name is Shower. If you turn me on I'll get you wet.
So, there are two types of people in the world. The wrong people and the right people. I'm a right person.(along with 100% of the population).
~