(*Author's POV)
"No way. Mark you..." Jackson paused.
As he looked straight into Mark's eyes he observed the emotions that seem to flash across the elders face. Some saw Jackson as oblivious or playfully blunt but it was clear that those attributes were not needed or used in this case.
Jackson could read the apprehension in Mark's body language. The anxiety that showing in his wavering eyes. This only signaled that the answer to his unspoken question would be indeed shocking to him.
So Jackson held his tongue despite having dozens of words wishing to roll off it. It was simple reasoning; if he asked he'd get some sort of answer. And maybe he'd get an answer he'd expected but that same answer may not be the one he wanted to hear.
It then became even more clear that Mark didn't want to reply to whatever was plaguing Jackson's mind. As before Jackson could even contemplate how to finish his sentence Mark was turning on his side trying to roll off the bed.
"Hey!" Jackson tried to pull back the older who slithered off the bed.
This was indeed not the reaction Jackson had expected from him.
"I have to pee." Mark said quickly as he tried to get off the bed having at least gotten free from Jackson grasp on his arm.
But that didn't go well as Jackson lunged off the bed grabbing onto Mark's pants pulling them down as he too fell off the bed. Ungracefully they fell back together.
Jackson face planted on the rug as Mark followed the direction of his pants that were yanked down not wanting to be further embarrassed.
With Jackson's newly incapacitating position Mark tried to stand up again. Just as quickly though he felt fingers make their presence known under the rim of his underwear.
"Let go." Mark said hoping Jackson would do so feeling hyper-aware of how close the others fingers were to his butt.
"Mark hold on." Jackson denied Mark's release as he finally got on his knees.
Seeing that Jackson was not going to let him go Mark twisted his body trying to tear Jackson's grip from his bottoms. This only reeled the younger closer like some sort of anchor. And in the lessened space, a wrestle ensued.
Feeling close enough Jackson let go of Mark's pants and went to grab his hands. But as he successfully did so Mark's legs came into action planting themselves flat against Jackson's upper chest pushing him.
"Mark come on!" Jackson tried to reason the older out of this unnecessary fight.
"Just let me go." Mark replied feeling embarrassed by his own actions and current position.
"I will but don't run. I just want to talk." Jackson said with earnestness. What on earth caused Mark to be so frightened and alarmed as to want to scramble out of Jackson presence?
"..." Mark didn't respond as he slowly bent his legs back off Jackson's chest moving them to the side twisting his body as Jackson still held his hands.
"...What's with all this struggle?" Jackson asked frowning a bit lessening his hold on Mark's hands; who in which quickly retracted them.
"I'm sorry...let's just go to sleep now yeah?" Mark suggested hoping Jackson would drop the subject seeing how he didn't want to speak more.
"Now hold on Mark. Do you really not want to tell me that much? I thought you said we were going to be honest with each other." Jackson reminded nearing Mark worried he'd dart again.
"I know. But I'd really be lying if I'd said I wanted to continue this topic." Mark replied turning his body and sitting up with his side and back facing Jackson.
"That's not...Withholding truth is a form of not being completely honest. I'd get it if we were strangers but we're not. I've only ever been honest with you." Jackson replied shuffling a little closer to Mark.
"..." Mark didn't know how to respond. He was lost in the consequences of his few options of words and actions.
"Would it be asking too much if maybe you'd care to confide in me?" Jackson asked staring at Mark's head as the elder had turned his face away.
Confiding in Jackson meant opening up. Opening up meant vulnerability. Vulnerability meant the possibility of pain of unknown strength. As Mark had never harbored such affection before he didn't want to know the lowest feeling that was the rejection of it.
"I...It's not what you think." Mark finally replied still hoping at least to now talk his way out of this.
"What is it that I'm thinking?"
"...Anybody you're thinking of...I don't like them." Mark admitted as this was still the truth.
"Are you sure?" Jackson asked more as a question to reassure Mark's honesty.
"I'm sure." Mark nodded.
"If so why were you so alarmed? You seem really displeased."
"I'm sorry I just...acted out. I'm not really comfortable with the subject." Mark bowed his head unable to turn around and look at the younger.
"Neither am I. Yet due to unforeseen circumstances, you know more about my current love life than my parents now. I don't want to force you but...you're my friend Mark. If something is bothering you I'd like to know." Jackson leaned forwards and put a hand on Mark's shoulder.
"Y-you're a great friend Jackson. And that's why you don't need to know." Mark mentally slapped himself for stuttering a bit.
"No that's exactly why I do need to know! As a great friend who sees someone with such kindness like yourself be upset; what kind of person would I be if I let you continue to struggle alone? It wouldn't be very kind of me nor up to par with the label of a great friend that you my-...Mark?" Jackson paused his rant noticing Mark was rubbing his face.
"...You're right. I'm glad you care but..." Mark spoke his voice soft as he turned and stood up slowly. Jackson followed suit leaning to the side trying to see Mark's expression.
"If we could just drop the subject...I'd hope you'd still think well of me." Mark said trying his hardest to shove down his feelings.
"Of course I'd still think good of you Mark. I would also hope you'd see that I won't be angry or upset with any answer you give me. I'm an open person." Jackson said sidestepping to be in front of Mark.
"..." Mark's eyes darted up at Jackson's. What did he mean by 'open person'?
"I...I don't want to force you but I don't want the reason for you to withhold secrets be because you fear my response." Jackson's expression was kind but still very puzzled as Mark stood so still.
"...You won't?" Mark asked as his body was locking up and his jaw tense.
"Never in a million years." Jackson put a smile on his face hoping the other would relax.
"...You sure?" Mark asked.
Was he really considering it? Was he really going to let Jackson know his secret? Was he going to really give in this easily? He had been locked in his thoughts about how things could change if he did come clean. It was scary.
But if he really thought about it this was only this difficult because it was Jackson. Mark knew he would with much less hesitation tell others this information. Everything now though was cautious in fear of messing up; all because of him.
"Yes, Mark I'm one hundred percent sure." Jackson nodded firmly.
"..." Mark had no voice. He knew what he wanted to say. It was only a few words. But no force of air would come up nor would his teeth part trapping his tongue.
Giving one more strong glance at Jackson's face he bit his bottom lip harshly as he then moved forwards. Mark ignored how Jackson quickly reached for him preparing for another escape. But in seeing Mark wasn't moving to leave he stood back.
Mark picked up his phone that was resting on the nightstand. He began searching for a physical answer; an image that would speak for him. Scrolling quickly down through his photos the blur of family and friends were bypassed.
And finally, when he got to where he knew where the photo resided near the top did he pause his scrolling. Tapping the photo once he felt his palms sweat while holding the phone. There it was. A photo that would explain very clearly what Mark was hiding.
But now all he had to do was turn around and show it to the ever so curious Jackson. Why did his feet then feel so heavy like someone glued them to the floor? He wanted to just give up. He wanted to run and scream he couldn't do it.
Instead he let out out a short puff of air akin to a sigh before shutting his eyes tight willing up the nerve.
"There." Mark spoke cutting to the chase as he then tossed his phone not to gently onto the bed.
In all honesty, he had hoped it would break somehow before Jackson saw it.
Unfortunately, it did nothing of the sort just skidding a bit before coming to a stop in the sheets. This action Jackson also hadn't expected as his eyes were immediately drawn to the flying object. And in this time Mark suddenly felt his feet become free and they itched to run.
Like a youngster who didn't want to see their parents reaction to their poor report card, Mark did a fantastic dodge as he dashed out of the room with surprising agility.
"Mark! Hey!" Jackson was taken aback having to do a one-eighty to see Mark's form leave the room in record time.
But as he wanted to run after him the glow of the picture he saw for but a split second before came to mind. He hadn't seen the image clearly but he could tell it was a photo. And as he followed Mark only to the door he watched as the older was already halfway down the stairs.
Jackson knew if he chased after Mark the phone would most likely auto lock itself sealing the picture that the other had albeit very shyly decided to show him. Giving a frustrated sigh he turned back into the room.
Taking a deep breath he neared the bed and peered over the sheets revealing the still glowing phone. Jackson carefully grabbed the phone and the image finally came into sight.
Jackson now understood. He finally got it. He had expected it. The reason came to mind but it still somehow caught him off guard. Jinyoung was right...well kind of. There in the image was Mark and another young man.
That was normal enough but it was the fact that Mark smiling wide as the other young man was cradling Mark's head crowded into his space kissing the corner of his mouth with puckered lips. This explained a lot. It explained why Jackson would be shocked. And Mark was right...Jackson was shocked.
One might feel he shouldn't be so surprised since Jinyoung brought the idea up before but remember it was Jackson who denied such an idea. Jackson's eyes lingered on the photo longer despite the burning zap running through his veins.
He took in the detail of it. A surprising amount of Mark's life seemed to be held in this one photo. How Mark was tanner and with slightly shorter hair alluding to the high chance that this was taken a couple years ago.
Both boys in the picture shared matching hoodies; which either was some really cheesy couples hoodie or a school hoodie that many students could have. Jackson decided to believe the former. And now for the more obvious statement being the other boy.
The boy had curly black hair, light skin, full brows, and a straight nose. But as it was only a side profile Jackson could only tell so much. Still, the young man was what most anyone would deem as handsome.
The need now was to face the elephant in the room; the fact that this boy had his lips pressed so very close to Mark's. And the other very clear observation that Mark was indeed happy about this. It made Jackson's insides stir.
Someone truly curious would want to swipe the screen looking for more photos but this person wasn't Jackson. Although his eyes unblinkingly stared at the picture he wished he'd never seen it. He wished Mark had gotten the nerve just to tell him upfront.
He didn't know how long he stood there taking all this new information in but once he felt he was done processing he snapped. Shutting the phone off he mimicked Mark's earlier action throwing the phone onto the bed.
He didn't know why but he was so unreasonably irradiated. Jackson ran a hand through his hair. He had no issue with Mark liking boys but this somehow was a different story. Jackson knew he hadn't any right to be upset. Heck he said he wouldn't be.
Still, this didn't stop Jackson from questioning and stressing about it. If Mark wasn't lying when he earlier said he was single then this boy was probably an ex. Most likely the same ex he spoke of earlier.
Taking in another needed breath of air Jackson rolled his neck trying to calm himself. Sure he was shocked and seemed to have more questions than he should but he now he felt the need to focus on the issue at hand...Mark.
Mark seemed too concerned and scared to share this part of him. Had he really thought Jackson would be some unforgiving homophobic? That he would hate him for being gay? It seemed so.
Despite that Jackson knew it must have taken a lot of courage for Mark to do what he did; although with much distance it was understandable. But shoving his annoyance to the side he decided he'd show Mark that he was indeed wrong.
With a face of determination, Jackson marched out of his room and down the stairs. It was dark down there as Mark hadn't turned on any lights. Jogging to the nearby light switch he turned on the chandelier which lit up most of the main floor.
Wordlessly Jackson began his scan over the house seeing if he would be able to find him. But as he checked the kitchen, living room, and bathrooms he was starting to get a little panicky. He hadn't heard the front door opening so he couldn't have left.
Jackson didn't even want to think of the idea of Mark actually running away. The thought scared him. Sure Mark wasn't a child but he wasn't fluent in Cantonese and was far from being the bulkiest person out there.
And so after checking the garage, Jackson prayed he'd be in the last place he hadn't checked. He moved to the back of the house and slid open the screen door which was unlocked. That at least was a good sign.
It was chilly outside but even so, the person in question was there sat crisscross on a chair. Mark had his shirt brought over his head and arms inside the thin material as well. Jackson although utterly relieved to see Mark he was saddened by the closed off position the elder took.
"...Mark..." Jackson breathed out quickly walking towards the older. And once he was close enough it was clear there was a reason Mark wanted to hide his face.
Washed over with empathy and upset Jackson didn't hesitate in leaning down and wrapping his arms around Mark. You could say Mark needed the hug but I'd say Jackson needed to hug Mark.
Being so close and hugging him Jackson felt Mark's cocooned form shiver.
"...Mark, I don't care. I don't care if you're gay...You're still my friend." Jackson said pressing his forehead onto the back of Mark's shoulder as his words were carried out with such compassion and earnestness.
But this loving honesty only made Mark curl into himself more and let the silent tears fall but even quicker.
Why cry? Shouldn't he satisfied? What had he expected to be different? A positive outcome came out of the hopeful chance proving his hopes right. Jackson didn't mind. He doesn't hate Mark. He excepts him as he is.
Many congratulations to Mark for taking the bold step for admitting his sexuality. He should be proud and happy about this. Shouldn't he?
He should...yet the fingers digging into his skin, the damp eyes, flushed skin, shivering jerks, and rapid heartbeat all signaled that no...there was no room to be happy. Or gay for that matter.
To Mark Jackson wanted friendship; that fact was now practically written in stone with how many times it was said. Mark now knew where he stood. To him, there was no need to ask or confess anymore. He was firmly put into place.
So now we know better. Now we know not to get close. Now we know to stop. Slam on the breaks at all cost. Stop now before you are only further invested in this one-sided love. But it can't be helped if it hurt; with how much Mark already cares it's bound to.
"I'm sorry if I was insensitive or too pushy. But I'm really glad you let me know. I won't take this for granted." Jackson said squeezing Mark closer.
Oh, it hurt...no it burned. Jackson arms wrapped around him for comfort only made him want to escape from the desirable warmth. Like a living dream, Mark knew he couldn't keep this up. He had to snap out of it.
He wondered how long it would take. Right there and then it felt like he could never get over it. It felt like even if he really tried to part himself from Jackson there would be a link only visible to him holding them together.
That moment of vulnerability as Mark slowly regained his composure in Jackson's embrace would never be forgotten. He may not have confessed but he did admit. And in doing so he got an answer. Though that 'answer' was not said exactly word for word.
Mark enjoyed the moment despite the bitterness of it; he knew things were hopeless. And as was said before it was terrifying how Jackson could even make Mark's most painful moments bearable.
And after a short while of collecting himself and his thoughts, Mark forced himself to move.
"...Thank you, Jackson." Mark cleared his throat before he uncrossed his legs pulling his body away from the other.
Jackson reluctantly let Mark stand as he too stood straight. Mark readjusted his shirt over and on his torso. Mark's voice had been a tad strained but his words sounded ambiguous. This caught Jackson attention. Was Mark not just sad?
"You're upset." Jackson stated.
"I'm just a bit overwhelmed that's all." Mark responded sniffling trying his hardest to again place a more positive face on.
"I get that but..." Jackson again stopped midway.
"Don't worry. It's late, words were exchanged, and I got a little worked up. But I'm okay now." Mark interrupted Jackson's pause for thought.
Was it really supposed to end so abruptly like that? Were things to go from bad to all good so quickly? Jackson deep in his gut felt that things weren't simply okay but he hadn't much room to oppose and press for more out of the older.
"Just like that?" Jackson voiced his thoughts frowning as Mark began to move away back inside.
This didn't feel right. Something was definitely off. Mark was just crying a moment ago and it looked like he could continue doing so at any second if it weren't for that frustrating smile he had on.
And stopping just before the screen door to enter the house Mark smiled that same smile back at Jackson before responding.
"Yeah." Mark shrugged giving a weak smile.
But this irked Jackson beyond belief. Why was Mark distancing himself all of a sudden? Was it because he knew? Was he embarrassed? Jackson wasn't a fool he knew Mark was lying.
"Bullshit." Jackson replied scrunching his face a bit showing his disbelief. This comment although had clearly caught Mark by surprise too.
"Why is it Bullshit?? I said-" Mark tried to defend.
"I heard what you said Mark and I think it's bullshit. If you're upset about something I want you to tell me upfront. Something's bothering you I can tell." Jackson cut him off stepping closer to him.
"I'm not lying. I said I was overwhelmed and now I'm okay. I took a moment to collect myself that's all." Mark's smile disappeared from his face as Jackson didn't stop his approach.
Jackson then roughly grabbed onto Mark's wrist pressing his middle and index finger against the underside of it feeling for his heartbeat.
"What are you doing??" Mark asked stepping back trying to wiggle his hand away from Jackson grip.
But making up the space feeling the dull thumping on Mark's wrist Jackson leaned forward and raised his other hand up to his neck.
"Hey, could you not-" Mark protested this as Jackson insistently tried to feel his upper neck.
All it took was light press for Jackson to feel Mark's quick heart rate. And the way the older was fighting against him only confirmed his earlier statement.
"You're avoiding me and your heart is really beating. Don't tell me your okay when you're like this." Jackson spoke lowering his hand way from Mark's neck but still held his wrist.
"Do what? You startled me th-"
"Excuses Mark. You're acting off...so much so it's obvious to me. Are you upset with me? Do you regret telling me? Because if that's the case you really needn't be." Jackson said shaking his head and wiggling his and Mark's arm.
"..." Mark just stood there in silence as he stared at the ground. His ears burning red as he bit down on his lip.
"...Please talk to me Mark."
"..." Mark wanted to reply and say something as Jackson pleaded with him but nothing came out. It was like his brain was shutting down yet overworking.
"You don't have to worry or be afraid."
"Who's afraid??" Mark snapped but it lacked bite as his eyes began to water.
"There's nothing wrong with being afraid. You shared some sensitive information with me and you feel uneasy. I get that. But you must believe me Mark..."
Mark's resolve was crumbling before he could even properly build it.
"Nothing is going to change."
A/N I myself don't really know what to make of this chapter. So yeah...heh...Thanks for Reading!