TWO
My heart crashed against my rib cage.
I sucked in shallow breaths to try and process Bromm's words. Another sob erupted from my chest. I sat up to meet his gaze. "What?" The world tilted from under me. From far away, I felt his hand grip my arm to steady me, ice crackling from his fingertips. He opened his mouth, the muscles of his throat bobbing as he spoke, but the sound didn't reach my ringing ears. "That's not possible," I slurred. The noise of my surroundings came blaring through my echoing head. I leapt from my chair with a panicked jolt. "You can't nominate him. Hendric is sick, Bromm. You can't do that!"
He stood to tower over me, holding his hands out to supposedly calm me down. But I didn't want to settle down— I couldn't. "Let me explain." His eyes flicked over my shoulder. I followed them to find Sazi standing at the entrance to their room in the very back. Her hand was crossed over her mouth, her eyes filled with tears as she gaped at me. Pity. That's what that look is. I sucked in a gasping breath. Her arms were suddenly around me, crushing me to her chest as she rubbed my hair to smooth it down. I stood stiff in the circle of her embrace, frozen. "I'm so sorry, Ada," she croaked through choked gasps.
I pulled out of her arms and stood back, staring numbly at both of them. "You're wrong," I blubbered through lips that were suddenly a thousand pounds heavier. My tongue swelled inside my mouth. "That's not possible. You can't nominate the sick!" Hot tears poured down my cheeks. In the deep parts of my mind, I knew it was somehow harder this way. At least with the blood rose, there was a chance that I could heal him, help him get better. No one had ever come back alive from the disease, but I was willing to try if it kept him alive long enough for me to salvage enough money to get us to the city over the mountains. But now that chance was gone. His death was sealed. Not by the cough of the blood rose, but by the pluck of a ballot.
Hendric was going to die.
Bromm was speaking when I pulled myself from my thoughts. He stepped toward me, arms outstretched to hold me like he used to. "Adaira, please listen to me—"
"No!" I screamed. I shoved at his chest. "No, I should have been there. I should have been at the meeting."
He shook his head. "Sweetheart, you're not eighteen."
"Two months!" I shouted, flailing my arms. I ignored the pain in my hip when I bumped the edge of the table, keeping my eyes on them as I moved toward the door. "No! You're lying! You can't elect a sick person!"
Bromm's fist crashed down on the countertop. "He volunteered!" His roar deafened me, but not by his volume. The word reverberated inside me. "Hendric nominated himself for the offering."
Volunteered... I glared at him. "You lying son of a bitch," I growled. My hands clenched into fists at my sides. "He is dying. He can barely sit up in bed, much less walk." How dare he lie to me, the filthy bastard!
Bromm narrowed his eyes at me, shocked at my anger. "Hendric walked himself through those doors last night and lifted his hand to volunteer." He stormed behind the counter and reached at something. Coins jingled when he walked. He threw something at me; my traitorous hand lashed out and deftly snatched it up. "That is the recognition money. Volunteers are able to make final requests as long as they're within sensible reason. Per his demands, we doubled it to one hundred." He frowned down at me. Sazi wrapped her arms around his round stomach and rested her red face against his chest. "The men will be there before sundown to help him prepare." I stumbled my way to the door. His voice caught up to me before I could step outside. "I'm so sorry, Adaira." I staggered out into the cold.
I fumbled my way down the hill. I didn't care that my hood wasn't pulled up or that my coat wasn't buttoned. I didn't pay attention to the people glancing in my direction; I didn't acknowledge anything, neither my freezing body and cracking skin, nor the odd looks I got when I didn't return the greetings from the others. I stumbled right down to the very bottom of the hill, to the front of the gates, and paused just outside our hut's door.
I slipped inside and sat in front of the fire pit in an attempt to thaw the ice growing rapidly inside me. "Hey," Hendric's voice cracked behind me. I glanced over my shoulder at him, staring at him in a cold daze. His brown eyes fluttered open, milky and unseeing. He focused near the ceiling and attempted a weak smile. "Ada?"
Kenji swept open the screen and rushed to his side, oblivious to my presence. "Shh," he cooed tenderly. "It's okay."
Hendric's brow furrowed. "I thought I heard Ada come in."
Kenji looked around, starting when his eyes landed on me. His brow creased. I looked over his shoulder. It didn't matter that he was awake. I couldn't get over Bromm's words. They burned inside of me a new kind of rage that I couldn't begin to describe. Hendric walked himself through those doors last night and lifted his hand to volunteer. How could the same man before me be the one Bromm was talking about? This raven's-food of a boy with pale, clammy skin and sunken eyes, hollowed cheeks, and cracked lips— this wasn't who my guardian was talking about. It couldn't be. He can barely sit up in bed, much less walk. Looking at him now, watching Kenji help to lift his head to rest on a pillow and spoon broth into his mouth— there was no possible way they were the same person. He looked like a breathing corpse, not a walking ghost.
A tear burned down my cheek as I watched him fumble to take in the spoon. "How long, Hendric?" I suddenly growled, startling both of them. Kenji turned back to me, his hand poised in the position to feed him. Our older brother, my best friend, our father this past year, who never lied and who was the most selfless person we knew, had willingly signed his own death sentence. The milky eyes that had once been a dark chocolate now darted painfully about the room, lost in trying to follow my voice. "How long have you been able to get out of bed?"
A frown settled on his white lips. "Ada..."
I shot to my feet. "How long have you been lying to me? How long have you been planning on sacrificing yourself? "
Kenji's little face fell, blanching. He turned his attention back to Hendric. "What?"
Hendric shuddered. Automatically Kenji reached out to help ease him onto his back. Hendric's hand lifted and he took it after a hesitant second. "I wanted to tell you before I did it," he began, "I just... I didn't plan on sleeping so long. I'm sorry."
I heaved in a gasping breath. My skin erupted into prickled flesh, but not from the cold. He sounded like he was saying goodbye. "For which part, Hendric?" I said loudly, my pain echoing throughout the hovel. "For abandoning us or for lying?"
He flinched. "It's not like that, Ada. I'm getting it out of the way." I opened my mouth to shout at him, to scream of how much pain he was causing me, but he beat me to it. "I can't watch you do this anymore. I can't stay here day after day and watch you stress yourself over taking care of me, Kenji, the house. I can't ask you to do that."
I stomped my foot. "You didn't ask me to do anything, Hendric. You're my brother, I'd do anything for you."
He coughed. Kenji hurried to grab a cloth for him. Residue blood clung to his lips when he pulled it back. "Exactly," he said hoarsely. He grimaced painfully at the sound of his voice. "You'd work yourself to death if it meant keeping my other foot out of the grave. There is no cure for the blood rose. Everyone knows that."
I scoffed angrily. "You think I trust these people to know what's really out there? They've never set foot outside of Kinnot. There could be a cure in the city, I just—"
"Damnit, Ada!" I jerked back, tears pricking my eyes. "I don't want you to take care of me anymore. Look at me. I'm not getting any better, we both know it. I'm going to die sooner or later. Might as well stop trying to prolong the inevitable." My knees buckled underneath me. I crashed to the ground with a reverberating thud and grabbed his hand in mine. "Take the money they gave you, take Kenji, and get the hell out of here." I dropped my head. His hand squeezed mine weakly, his arm trembling with the effort. "Please. Don't fight me on this. I don't want to leave you angry."
Too late, I thought resentfully. I dropped my head against his hip, sobbing quietly into the fur blanket. "I hate you," I choked in between gasps. I dropped his hand and clutched his blanket in my fists. His fingers ran through my tangled hair.
He chuckled. "I love you, too."
Kenji's warm hand wrapped around my back. He pulled me from on top of Hendric and into his arms as I sobbed and bled my tears into his chest. I clung to Hendric's hand behind his back. It felt like I was breaking in half. My heart was splitting open and my frustrations, fears, and worries were bursting out of the seams.
Hendric fell back asleep. Kenji pried my fingers from around the blankets and ushered me outside. Just like I'd done this morning, he made me face him and did up my coat, standing on his toes to tug the hood over my head, pushing my hair back, tying up the knot at my neck. He swept the fur lining closer to my face to keep the harsh wind from biting too roughly at my cheeks. His small fingers intertwined with mine as he led me up to Bromm's again. Neither of us spoke; there was nothing left to say. At sundown tonight, we would be saying our final goodbyes to our brother. By sunup tomorrow morning, he'd be gone. We would get the long sayings of condolences, maybe even deliveries of pity food. But life here would go on, and soon my brother's name would be just one of hundreds, long forgotten until next year's election. My world would come crashing down around me, but reality would go on as scheduled. Time didn't stop for one person, especially people like us.
The bar dropped to silence when we stepped inside, the door slamming shut behind us from the wind. Kenji dropped his hood and pulled mine down. Dozens of eyes watched us. Sazi rushed toward us and pointed to a table. Kenji tugged at my hand. He pushed my chair in once I was seated and ordered the food. Sazi hustled toward the kitchen.
A shadow towered over us. Kenji's foot pressed down on top of mine as he glanced up. I forced myself to do the same, meeting the eyes of Posha and her husband Moma. She reached down and placed her palm flat on my shoulder. "Tell Hendric we said thank you tremendously— from all of us. If there's anything you two ever need, don't hesitate to ask."
"Hear, hear!" Mugs clinked together. I winched each time. My hands balled into fists on the table. Kenji's foot pressed down harder on mine. "To Hendric Young," one man toasted. "I have never been more grateful in my life than I am right now. To Hendric."
"To Hendric," the room echoed.
Silence followed as they drank their cups dry to the last drop. I stared at Kenji across the table with a plea glistening in my eyes. He shook his head at me. Sazi set our lunches down with an apologetic smile. "On the house." She kissed the tops of our heads and left.
We ate with our heads down and our toes touching, his foot occasionally pressing down on mine to fill me with a calm enough assurance that allowed me to finish my meal without screaming at someone or heaving it all up. The room filled with quiet chatter, some people daring to laugh before glancing at us and shutting their mouths. I felt like a barrel of gunpowder and one of these barbarians held the match that would make me explode. My hand trembled all throughout the lunch. When we finished, Sazi handed me a tied sack of herbs. "Burn it in the fire. The smoke will calm your nerves."
I thanked her without saying it. I bundled myself up this time, taking Kenji's hand and leading him outside. The more we begged for the sun to stay in the sky, the faster it sank. A bitterness was beginning to take hold of me. I wanted to bash in the faces of people who thanked us and wished us their condolences. I was grateful for Kenji's presence— now more than ever— but I couldn't let go of the anger stirring inside of me. Why was it like this? Why did we have to sacrifice so much only to gain so little? What did we do to deserve this?
We spent as much time as we could with Hendric before the sun went down. He struggled to stay awake, and when he did it was a fitful awakeness that seemed to choke the very life from him. "Ada, reach under the bed," he suddenly said. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I did as I was told. My fingers pulled at the small, palm-sized treasure chest that he'd carved out of wood when he was twelve. He still had the scars on his fingers from designing it. "Inside there are three cords." Kenji helped my trembling fingers to pull them from the chest. Three black cords dangled from our fingers. "The heart is yours, Ada." His hand searched through the air for mine. "You have to learn to love again. We will always be your family, but you need to stop being afraid of losing the people you care about. You'll never have a life if you live with the fear of loss inside you." His hand curled my fingers around the small silver charm, no bigger than my thumbnail. I pressed my forehead against his hand.
"Kenji," he said warmly. Our brother leaned forward on his knees. "Yours is the rock. It will never break. When I'm gone, it will be your job to keep both Ada and yourself whole. You have to learn how to keep yourself grounded, centered." He reached his other hand out and grabbed Kenji's. "You're the man of the house now, buddy. Take care of this one for me," he said, pointing a weak finger in my direction.
All that was left was the ring. No, not a ring. A halo.
The flap lifted. Bromm and several other men were huddled together in the dying sunlight. "It's time," said Moma.
My heart lurched forward. I turned to face them, shielding him from their view. "We haven't said goodbye," I snapped. My voice cracked. "Please let us say goodbye."
Bromm nodded, pushing them back.
Hendric pushed himself up with our help. We straddled him in his coat even after he protested. He towered over both of us as he stood up. And for the first time in a month, he looked at me. His warm chocolate eyes poked through under the milky haze. He smiled. "Stay together," he whispered, nuzzling his nose into my hair. I hugged his waist tighter. His lips pressed to my scalp. Kenji wrapped his arms around us. A sob filtered through the air, but it wasn't mine. I wrapped an arm around Kenji and brought my face between their chests, both of them holding onto me and me to them. "Don't fight. Keep each other safe and get the hell out of here." The sound that lurched from my throat was a mixture of a sob and a laugh. I balled his shirt in my fist. "Pinky?" he whispered tiredly. He lifted his hand, his small finger curled and awaiting ours.
A sob tore from both mine and Kenji's chests. "Promise," we echoed back. We looped our pinkies together and squeezed as hard as we could. "I love you," I cried.
We helped him outside. Glen already had the gate drawn back, the thick totem pole clear in our view. A carved wolf snarled out from the top of it and my blood ran cold. I hugged Kenji tighter as Bromm helped Hendric out. Moma grabbed the rope and slung it over his shoulder. I started toward them in protest. "He doesn't need that, he's sick!" I shouted. Kenji held me back. "Please!" Hendric smiled sadly over his shoulder at us. It's okay, he mouthed.
I watched helplessly as they sat him down in the cold snow, his back to the pole, and tied his hands around it. He threw his head back with a wince. He didn't meet our eyes as the gates closed. Then he was gone.
Red sunlight began to bathe the village. Bromm herded us in the direction of the meeting hall, a decrepit building with two doors and three windows, barely big enough to fit two hundred people. Kenji and I huddled together in the back, his sobbing head in my lap and my numb fingers trailing through his curls. The fervent murmurs of prayers began, people gathered in a circle with their hands clasped together. It made me sick to watch them. They were thanking a god for choosing someone else; I knew because that had once been me, thanking an invisible being for letting someone else be sacrificed to the darkness. It wasn't until Papa was sacrificed several years ago that I'd started to hate them.
The sun passed quickly down over the tops of the trees. Darkness replaced the sky. The people watched Kenji and me with pitiful looks. I avoided their gazes. My fingers tapped anxiously on my thigh. We all sat rigid, awaiting the screams we knew were going to come. For the longest time they didn't, and I felt panic rise inside me, a wave of nausea mixed with something a lot like excitement whispering in my ear.
No, it said. This is wrong. This isn't right.
I stood to my feet, carefully tiptoeing over the bodies. Kenji wrapped his fingers around my wrist before I could get too far, his eyes narrowed in confusion. "I can't do this," I whispered. "I won't sit here and wait for them to take him."
He stood. "What are you doing?"
I opened my mouth to protest, but suddenly a loud, gut-wrenching scream split the air. The others started awake. My opportunity faded with each passing second. Without looking back, I wrenched my hand from his grip and slipped out the back door.
I wasn't going to let those monsters take away all I had left. They would have to kill me too.