They were going home.
They were going home!
The four kids stood in awe at the majesty of the Earth, filling up the view from the spaceship they were riding in. All was serene.
Diz, the stereotypical alien who was piloting the ship, broke the silence.
"Well, now that your world is saved and our sadistic leader Viz is gone from this universe," he looked up, "What do you all plan to accomplish when you return to your life on Earth?"
Everyone was silent for a moment, thinking, and Zack, human fireplace, stepped up.
"Uh... Personally I plan to find a cure for this fever I've developed. Drinking a couple thousand gallons of ice water might help a little."
Right. The fire that was continually flaming on his head. With how freezing he had been for years, it was a wonder he wasn't bothered by the heat.
As the children were standing in a sort of line, Smiley, the eager schooler she was decided to go next.
"I'll continue my search for knowledge and use what I know to help others." She put a finger to her chin, pensively. "Reading the encyclopedia might be fun."
Ah Smiley. Always so kind, and eager to learn. I'd never admit it, but I sort of... admire her.
Phred, the so-called helping hand, looked up from the floor and spoke up next.
"I haven't really thought about what I'll do when I get back," he admitted. "I guess what I'll do when I get back, is think of what I'll do when I get back."
Ah, well, that's to be expected from my lazy friend. Nothing wrong with that at all I say, especially since we've already gone through a lifetime together with him being as lazy as ever, and it usually working out.
Now it was my turn. The stalwart leader. I had an inkling of what to do, I guess.
"As for me..." I started-
Out of nowhere, a sudden brightness flashed against our eyes, blinding us for a second. As I waited for the spots to disappear, I looked over to my friends and found them as confused as I was.
"What's going on?" Phred voiced our thoughts as Diz turned the steering, with a worrying look on his face.
"Why have we stopped?" Zack spoke up, drawing my attention to the fact that, we actually have stopped our gentle cruise.
A strange white aura was peeking around the ship through the windows.
"Something is controlling the ship," Diz said, perplexed. It was a large tracker beam, coming from somewhere on the big beautiful ball in front of us.
Diz pulled out the remote to the ship and frantically pushed a button, as if to do anything significant.
Well, that's good, right? We were heading to Earth anyway.
"It's taking us off-course!" Of course it was.
There was nothing we could do but watch as the tractor beam stole us down surprisingly slowly, taking us to a strange and tall gray building surrounded by in-the-middle-of-nowhere desert.
A large sign on the building, labeling it as 'Zone 5.1' gave me a hint as for what kind of operation was happening.
As we landed, many openings rose up from the ground and lots of people with guns came rushing out. We were all so shocked, so we weren't really panicking at first. Judging by the large faculty, vague labeling, and mysterious agent-looking fellows in all black with sunglasses and guns, I could only assume we were heading to a high-security government facility. From a spaceship. With an alien in our midst. Going off of the many movies I've seen, this could only end well.
Smiley's frantic exclamation of "What are we going to do?!" shook me out of my stupor, but before anyone could even respond, the bay doors let out a loud sound as the agents tried to bust their way in. A red circle drew itself on our side of the door as they sliced an opening, kicked down the now useless pieces of metal, and came storming in, much to everyone's horror.
It all happened so fast. They pointed their guns at all of us but before we could even surrender, we were grabbed, handcuffed, and dragged out of the ship, through the sand, and into our doom. For some weird reason, Zack was stuffed in a cage I think? I couldn't see and then we were all being taken in different directions and then—
________________________________
Black. Darkness.
Bleariness. Heavy eyelids.
Struggling to regain sense of anything.
Was that... Light?
I was... Waking up?
Where...
Where was I—
I sat up quickly, everything coming to me all at once.
Oh god, we were... Then... And now...
I looked around. Oh no. Not again.
"Well." I said to myself, astonished. "I was hoping for a new beginning." Hopefully whatever deity was listening liked to laugh at my jokes. "I just didn't think it would look like this."
Well, get up, Phil. Time to get to work on escaping, like you always do.
I stood up from my paper-thin bedding and very uncomfortable pillow, to lay witness to the fact that I was trapped. Again. This time, I was in a sorta containment cell, with a metal door and a glass wall. The toilet and sink were in clear view of the outside (gross), a completely empty vent (no toilet paper or rubber band this time), and two weird posters. Outside of my cell, there was a T.V. screen (Does that say TELEVISION or TELEVIZION? I can't tell from how tiny the lettering is) with a keypad shown broadcasting the numbers 78255. I could only guess that those numbers were the not-so-secrets to my success.
Unfortunately, my tiny elementary schooler arms were too short to reach the dialpad. I had to look around for some kind of stick thing. The only place that was directly out of my view was in the toilet lid, so I checked there.
There were... things in there that I couldn't describe. Ravishingly decor, I went with. I pulled off the toilet flusher (kinda gross, but desperate times call for desperate measures) and inputted the code to the door. It was very hard, since I couldn't exactly see the numbers, but I made it work.
I was free! I took one last glance at my room to read the label above my door (They spelt my name right? That's less believable than getting abducted by aliens!) before opening the exit door slowly to check for and guards. No point in causing a ruckus.
Above my containment room, there was a sign that had rain on it. I didn't know what that meant, so I turned right into a room with an empty box on the door.
There were lots of boxes labeled 'EMPTY BOX' and one labeled 'NOT EMPTY BOX.' I checked, and every single of them were empty. There was a blank sticky note on the wall, and a punch of papers on a corkboard. I lifted up each of the papers and found a key, which I swiftly grabbed as my own.
The next room to enter was a long dark corridor, which lead to a... goat enclosure? I read the sign. Ok, so a Goat-Man enclosure. Not weird at all. There was a chalkboard with strange reminders, an odd device on the wall (which I picked up, it looked useful), a colorful countryside mural, a tube... pipe... thing, a smoke detector, a 'days since last accident sign, and of course, a goat. The goat was looking down sadly at the dull grass.
The odd device I had picked up said 'Creature Communicator' on the side, so I decided to use it on the goat.
"Hey, goat guy."
In clear English, the goat responded. "Hello. What's up?"
I don't know why I was so surprised at the speaking goat, but I was. I guess it was time to ask some questions, huh.
"Why is there 'Man' at the end of your name?"
"No idea." If a goat could shrug, it would've. "I'm really just a goat. I was having the time of my life, eating grass and strange mushrooms. Then, I was taken away, mistaken for a mythical creature."
"So you were... 'kid'-napped?!"
It narrowed its eyes at me. "I hate puns."
Ok then. Next question. "How are you today?"
"I'm..." it paused. "sad. Grass is my favorite thing to eat in the whole world. But this grass tastes so bland. It isn't anything like the grass I used to eat. It's enough grass to last a lifetime, sure, but what's the point if it doesn't taste like grass?" I could name something that did taste like grass, though. That weird drink Chloro-Fill. It's kinda gross, but I'm pretty sure Goat-Man would've loved it.
"You just said 'grass' five times." Is what I did respond. "Anyway, I really can't relate to your problem, but I'd like to help out. If it's not too personal, where do you... do your business?"
The goat scoffed. "I don't do my bushings here in the grass. No grass deserves that. There's a great little drain in the ground that flushes itself automatically. I'd show it to you, guys it's offscreen." ...What?
"I'd rather not see it, to be honest. What's that random pipe-looking thing on the ceiling?"
"I don't know, but occasionally soda cans and cereal boxes fall out of it."
"That's really random. Are the cans and boxes empty?"
"Every time. Always disappointing."
I had a hunch that the tube was actually a recycling can. No way to test it out, that I could see. I would've asked about the smoke detector, but do I really need to? It's function was pretty obvious. I had only one thing left to say.
"Do you have a brother named Billy?"
The goat glared harder at me. "I hate puns."
Oh yeah. Welp. "Communicate with you later," I waved.
I walked outside of the enclosure, back to the hallway. At the opposite end of the hallway, there was an elevator. Apparently, I was on the floor F2. There was also a calander, that was X'ed out until the date of September 14th, which was labeled as 'Zone 5.1 Guard Agent's Annual Day Off.' Oh thank goodness. I could barely believe how lucky I was.
I entered the elevator to find five buttons and a keyhole. I used the key and unlocked access to the different floors. Those floors being B2, B1, F1, F2, and F3. I decided to go from the basement up, just to keep track of everything.
The lowest floor, B2, was a dark gray, unlike my floor's deep blue. The hallway had a giant manhole in the middle of the floor, which I filed away for future use. You never knew when you needed to escape using the sewers, after all.
Also unlike my floor, this main hallway only had two doorways. One hallway, and one with a sign above it, showing off the night sky. I walked through the side hallway, into another enclosure.
This one was huge, and had a giant reptilian-looking creature, who was sitting in what-looked-like a swimming pool. Did I mention that it was wearing a top hat? There was a giant sign that said 'Mock Mess Monster.' I greeted the creature.
"Good day," I said politely.
"What do you want?" The Mock Mess Monster barked out.
They needed a nickname. "So, do you go by Messie?"
"That's what everybody in this stupid landfill calls me. It's extra frustrating because I can't tell if they're saying my name or calling me a messy animal."
"Yeah, I guess it could go either way with you."
"Sheesh, you're almost as bad as they are."
I shrugged. "How are you today?" Messie hadn't looked happy the entire time I was there, but I figured I would ask them anyway.
"I pretty much feel like eating my whole body starting with my head."
Yikes. "Does that mean you're angry, or you're hungry?"
"I'm homesick, and sick of my home. This place is a freaking toilet hole, for crying out loud." Toilet hole, huh? "That's not even a metaphor. I sometimes get taken out of it so the agents can flush the water." I had a toilet flusher with me. If there was a valve or something nearby, I could flush Messie away with the water.
"How can you blame them? It's Messie water," I joked.
They grumbled grumpily. "...Baldheaded nuisance kid."
"How old are you?"
"I turned sixty-six billion, one hundred forty-five thousand, nine hundred thirty-two today."
"Wow. That's a lot of birthdays."
"Oh, but my birthdays bite. Nobody ever celebrates them." That sucked. "On my birthday nine years ago, I was stolen and forced to live in this pathetic excuse for a lake." That double-sucked.
"Well, happy birthday."
"Pff. Thanks. I'll be looking forward to spending the rest of my life in this dumpy bathtub." Not if I had anything to do with that.
"So, where did you live before you were put in here?"
"I used to live somewhere that I could live—Mock Mess Lake. It was a large lake. I found foot on my own and observed the steady course of nature around me..." they sighed and looked sad. "Every day was interesting because of the countless tourists inspecting the area. Not to mention, I had a lot of friends in Mock Mess, both in the lakebed and out of the water. I long to go back, but it's a lost hope, and there's no lost-and-found here." Yes, but there was me. And I was an expert at escaping places. "Well, not unless you count this puddle. I keep everything I find here before it gets flushed away."
"Who knows? I might be able to help you. What's down there?"
Their large head swooped into the water, picked up something in their mouth, and gave it to me. It was small, and rectangular...
"Here's some card thing that an agent dropped one time while feeding me." Yes!! It was a keycard! Those were always useful. "It says 'Power Room' on it, so I would assume it opens a room with access to power. But if it's mislabel and you get crushed into a powder or run over by a mower, don't whine to me." Ouch, but fair.
"Right. I'll keep that in mind, I guess. Hey, rumors have been floating around that you're just a log."
"You know that photograph of me that's been blown out of proportion?"
"The black and white one?"
"It really is just a picture of a log." Wow. Mind blown.
I was about to get out of there, when I spotted a hose and picked it up. Why did I even want this? I didn't even know.
"Communicate with you later!" I waved goodbye, and I walked away, just in time forms to hear, "Beat it, bowling ball brain." Oof.
One more room, then onto the next floor. There was another metal doorway, with spikes in the middle and two red eyes above them. Was this door sentient?
Time to test it out. "Sorry to intrude."
The spikes chomped down on each other, to simulate taking. "Sorry, you're an intruder," the door said. "If only I was connected to an alarm system, I could end you right now."
"I don't mean to spread trouble. I'm actually trying to get out of it. Do you mind keeping your mouth open so I can enter the room you're guarding?"
"Ha!" The door barked out metallically. "My teeth could turn you into coleslaw before you could get through me."
"I'm not the only one who would like to come in, though. I plan to bring all my friends here, too."
"You're three human friends? The ones that are TRAPPED? I'd like to seem them even GET here. That would be worth a laugh. (Actually is get majorly ticked off if that happened. Don't get any bright ideas.)"
Well you better prepare to get ticked off then. "Too late." I turned away, now even more determined to get my friends out of this joint. I clicked the button for floor B1, and was presented with a whiteish hallway.
I turned left and entered the side-hallway. It led me to an icy room, a sign saying They Negotiable Snowman,' and shy creature peeking around a frozen corner of the room.
"Hi there," I said with the creature communicator.
"H-hello..."
"What kind of creature are you?"
"My friends call my Yeddy. Also I have no friends." That sucked. "Will you be my friend?"
Eh. "I think friends come naturally. I don't just wanna make friends with anyone who asks."
Yeddy made a terrifying face and yelled, "BE MY FRIEND."
"Woah. Okay then. How are you today?"
Yeddy made the same terrifying face, with barred teeth, and snarled, "I BURN WITH THE FURY OF FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS SUNS." Jeez, dude.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He calmed down very quickly. "Actually no, I'm perfectly content. Can't complain." Then what was that about—? Whatever.
"...You're polar and bipolar. You've got an ice place here."
"...We're those puns?" Yeddy asked tenderly.
"Yes," I nodded. Once I did that, Yeddy made such a hurt and sad face that it actually made me feel a bit bad. "Anyway, what's the smoke detector for?"
"It's diverse hotheads won't come Uh and melt all the ice." I guess Zack was considered a hothead now, huh. "I HATE HOTHEADS." Yikes.
"That's some first-class hypocrisy right there. It looks like you don't have a whole lot of hair.
"I AM VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT MY BARENESS." Whoops.
"Well, there's nothing to be ashamed if. I don't gave any hair, myself."
"Well, that's a nice thing to say, but I don't need comfort. WHAT I NEED IS HAIR. Sorry. I just don't have fond memories of when my hair was shaved off. I'd pay you... a die that I found in a board game big, if you get me my hair back." I didn't really need a die right now, but it wouldn't be bad to have it. The hard part was figuring out where to get the hair from.
"Interesting trade..." I said. "Which board game?"
"It's called 'Learning-2-Shave.' Terrible game." Yeah, I could see why. Welp, that's all o could think to ask.
"Communicate with you later," I left him.
The next door was very cool looking. It looked like a circuit board, and it had a card reader next to it, so I used my recently-acquired keycard to open the door.
There were lots of screens, but the only two I were interested in were the pipeline shifter, and the guard door power. I'd rather the guard door's power be on so it could open, so I left the button alone for now, and turned to the pipeline shifter. This could be the way to get Messie out of their enclosure!
The pipelines would only function if a certain crossing pipe was in the center, it was a bit tough to maneuver each pipe around without messing the whole thing up.
It was surprisingly easy to move the pieced around in their proper places. I think I just got lucky. There was a flush command that was missing a flusher, so I used the flusher handle I had brought with me.
I turned the handle, heard a muffled flushing water sound, and I knew that Messie was where they belonged. I left the screen room. The sign above the next door was an early sunrise. Or it was a late sunset. I was never too good at figuring those things out. I walked into the door, only to find... Phred!
"...Phil!" he said, with an energy I hadn't seen in him in a long while.
"Phred!" I responded, just as happily.
"It's great to see you got out of... wherever you were. I haven't had the same luck with finding a way out of this dump."
"Dump is right. You really got the shaft with this room." How was it worse than mine?
"I really think the people who put it in here took a bathroom and added an extra wall." That would make sense. "Anyways, I'd really love to get out of here, but I can't do that by myself, so..."
"I'll get you out. We could make a team effort."
"Yep. Since there's a lot I can do behind a wall of extremely dense glass." Oh. Right.
"...Okay, so it'll be more like what children's television shows consider a 'team effort.'"
"Sounds like a party to me."
Only a quick glance to my right gave me the fact that I didn't know how to get Phred out of there, at this point in time. Where there was supposed to be a dialpad near the door, there was nothing. I'd have to find it somewhere else. Most likely on one of the upper floors.
"So, Phred..."
"Yep?"
"This room looks familiar."
"Familiar how? Does it look a lot like your jail room?"
"A little, but what I really meant is, it looks like a school restroom."
"Yep. That makes me feel so much better." Whoops.
Speaking of how he felt, "How are you today?" I asked.
"Not terrible. Could be better."
"..."
"..."
"...Alrighty then. Have you decided on any potential careers?"
"I'd like to do something for the world, but I don't think I'd be great with medicine."
"Maybe you could be a psychiatrist." I said slyly.
We shared an obnoxious fake chuckle together.
"Seriously though." Phred said.
"I've got nothing." I responded.
I had no more questions for him. Well, I could ask about the door's code to see if he knew, but I'll get to that when I actually have a way to input the code. "I saw a kangaroo slay a dragon in the way here."
Phred met my demands. "I saw a rainbow rhinoceros using butterflies to take a vacation to the sun." Oh yeah?
"I saw a sentient daffodil that was allergic to itself, and it used its molten muscles to cook."
"I saw SaturnMs ring up close, and it's really and everlasting at big spiral staircase that spits up start dust." Oh he was good. But I was better.
"I saw a kumquat giving birth to a speeding ticket shaped like a constipated gopher."
"Shoot..." Phred said, defeated. "I'm never going to win this game."
I shrugged. "See you later dude, I gotta find Smiley and Zack."
He nodded. "Later."
I walked back to the elevator, pressed the button for the next floor. F1.
It was very green. I took the first left, only to find myself in a jungle-ish area, facing an upright gorilla-like creature. A sign nearby indicated that this was in fact, the fabeled Bigtoe.
He looked polite, so I greeted him politely. "Good day, sir."
"Salutations, young gentleman. Of what subject shall we speak in this fine day?"
"Are you fond of crumpets?"
He looked forlorn. "Alas, crumpets are but a faint memory for this old hominid. They were treasures to behold when paired with the tea leaves of what once was my forest. It was the day the black-garbed men captured me that I sipped my very last spot of tea." Aw man, that sucks. "Unjust judgment can be a depressant like no other."
I didn't quite know what to say to all that, so I just said, "'Kay. How do you do?"
"My apologies, but perhaps you could specify the nature of your inquiry?"
Oh. I guess I meant, "What is your mood at this particular moment?"
"I feel lonely, as I generally do, which is a logical emotion because I am alone most of the time. I should say that I am less lonely with you here, but you literally blend in with the scenery." I looked down at my very green hoodie. That I do.
"What are your emotions in the grand scheme of things?"
"I am concerned about unlawful courtrooms and the government's capitalistic stance. The widening hole in the ozone layer frightens me, as well as the limited oil in the Earth's soil." I would be worried too, if I weren't just a kid.
"Remind me never to ask about that again."
"I'll be happy to oblige."
"Are you responsible for the trimming of your big toenails?"
"Strange though it may seem, my toenails do not grow." Woah, that was strange. "Me feet never feel any pressing discomfort with tennis shoes on."
Hmm. I wanted to try something. "Get bent, monkey dude."
"Psh, you ain't got no power over me, punk. I do what I wanna do!" Well that answers that question.
"Someone of your intellect surely has a wondrous hobby."
"I'm fascinated by fancy hats." Hey, didn't Messie have a sorta fancy hat? "It is my dream to wear a hat that godly proclaims, 'I am a fancy hat.'"
"Well, fancy pants proclaim, 'Run fast, run fancy!'"
"That seems intriguing, too, but I'd still much prefer a fancy hat."
Welp, that was everything I could think of. I better get down to Messie's place and see if they dropped their hat. "Tally-ho, chimp chap."
"I shall wish for your safety, good fellow."
I hopped down the elevator, when to B2, entered Messie's enclosure, glad to see them gone. I picked up the top hat and left.
"Does this hat fit your tastes?" I asked Bigtoe.
He hemmed and hawed. "It is a nice hat, but only that; I find it not to be a fancy enough hat to wear."
"The hat needs to be fancier to tickle your fancy. Got it." Speaking of tickling, feathers were worn in fancy hats, right? But where would I find some feather in this place?
I went back to the F1 hallway, and turned another left. There was an even longer hallway, that lead to a giant hanger. It had Diz's ship in it! And a giant aircraft chute, ready to be flown through. Diz was the only one who could fly the ship, so I'd have to free my friends and him first. And I'd have to find him first. I had a hunch he was on B2, behind the mean guard door. Nothing I could do now.
The next door had a bright sun on a sign. I could only guess that this was Smiley's room.
"Hey Phil!" Smiley's voice greeted me, as I walked through the door. It was Smiley! Wait.
"Whoa. Uh, hi, Smiley." She did not have hair the last time I saw her. What?!
"I'm guessing you want to ask about my hair."
"Well, yes, seeing as you didn't have any hair just yesterday. So... why do you have hair?"
She half-smiled. "It's not like there's much to do when you're stuck in a little prison cell." Speaking of, her prison cell was nice. "So I used the can of hair spray that's over there," she pointed near the sink, "to pass the time. I'll admit, I'm a bit nervous about what people will think of me now that I have hair."
Oh man. "I'm no fashion expert, but I say it looks nice."
She gave me a bright smile. "Well, thanks!"
"You're welcome. But more importantly can we still need to get you out of this cell place."
"If you need anything from me, I guess I'll be here."
I took a quick look around her room. I couldn't get over the fact how clean it was, and my eyes landed on the hair spray she had hues turned to earlier.
A can with the ability to spray liquid that magically makes your hair grow quickly. I couldn't comprehend how people were able to invent and distribute whimsical goods like this. Although, I could figure out what I could use it for.
"Hey, Smiley."
"Hey."
"Could I have your hair spray?"
She blinked. "Are you planning on growing hair?"
"Oh,,. no, I like being bald. I just think the hair spray will help us escape. If you could hand it to me through the slot in the cell door, that'd be great."
"Interesting." She picked it up and brought it to the door. "Okay, here you go."
"Thanks." As it fell into my hands, I stole a glance at the dialpad. It was missing the number three. The square that wasn't there was the perfect size for a die. Which, I was about to get for helping Yeddy. It was funny how things worked out. "Before I go, how are you today, Smiley?"
"I'm grateful to be back on Earth."
"So it doesn't bother you that you just got abducted by another space-age corporation?"
"Well, yeah," she shrugged. "but I prefer to have an optimistic mindset." I could understand that.
"I'm more of a distant optimist, myself. I think the light at the end of the cave is guarded by snakes." With all that happens to me, it just makes sense.
Smiley stared at me. "...That really doesn't sound even remotely positive."
Eh, whataya gonna do. "Your prison cell looks a lot nicer than mine." And Phred's.
"How so?"
"Well, it's brighter, for one thing. And mind didn't have a fancy mirror or a bathroom stall."
"Stalls are pretty typical in girls' restrooms." What?!
"Wait, really? ...I've been missing out." I had a snowman to help. "Let's talk more another time."
"Alright," she waved. "see you later."
B1 was the floor with Yeddy, I remembered, so I went to greet him.
I was about to present him with the hairspray, but as soon as he saw it he gasped, took it from my hands, spritzed it on himself (causing him to grow an entire body's worth of hair), ran behind the ice and threw out a bunch of junk, then stuffed the die into my hand. All before I could react. I shook my head and grinned, once I realized what happened.
"Are you enjoying having hair?" I asked him.
"Hair is the single greatest thing that's ever happened to the universe." I could beg to differ, but I let him have his moment.
"I'll take that as a yes."
Now, back to Smiley on F1. I fixed the dialpad, and asked Smiley if she knew what the code to her door was.
"51333." She responded.
"Nice. How do you know that?" I said, as I put the die into the proper place. Right over where the number three would be located.
"The agent who locked me in here mumbled the code out loud to himself as he dialed it in." Makes sense.
"Well, I'll see what I can do." Right before I inputted the code, I looked above the doorway. Huh.
"Smiley, I never knew your last name was Sundae."
"Yep," she said gravely. "I've boycotted eating sundaes to avoid cannibalism."
I gave her a shocked face.
She snorted. "That was a joke, by the way." Pft. I knew that. I used the dialpad, and opened the door.
"Thanks!" Smiley said once we were face-to-face. "What's next?"
Well, that guard door was pretty adamant about not wanted to see my friends, so... "I think it would be a good idea to get everyone to gather at the lowest point of this building."
"Gotcha. I'll be right down." I followed her to the elevator, and waited on her to make her trip. Then, I skipped past my floor (there was nothing else I could do there, that I knew of), and went to F3.
It was red. The first door on my left led me to a cage in a padded room with wide windows. There was a sign that said 'Flying Pig,' and there was a pig with wings sitting on a swing. Besides the metal bars, there was a hardwood board in between us.
"Hey, pig," I greeted.
The pig must've been zoning out, because it popped up at my voice. "Oh, hello."
"What's shakin', bacon?"
"Right now I'm as free as a bird in a bird cage." Deja vu.
"Pig, I think you and I would probably make really good friends. How were you captured?"
"I was half-asleep sitting just outside this building, and some guy carried me inside. Then he locked me up here and made me eat like a pig."
I had to admit it, but, "That's a pretty pathetic way to be captured. How exactly do you 'eat like a pig'?"
"I know my etiquette, but the guy didn't offer me silverware, or even a napkin." Oh, yikes. "I had to use me feet. Sure, it was fun, but not exactly clean."
"Where did you used to live?"
"There's a sky in the could that never moves. Atop that inactive cloud is the majestic kingdom of Porktop, home to all of the world's flying pigs," he said, wistfully.
"Oh. So that's where you live."
"Actually no," the pig said. "I live in a house next to it. I've been here for about two hours. I'd like to make sure I didn't leave the stove on..."
Oh. "Don't you think you could squeeze through those bars?" They looked sorta large enough. Maybe.
"I've tried."
"And?"
"I'm too fat."
"Oh."
Let's see, the last time I was presented with a wooden board, I used lava to melt it. The only source of heat I could think of at the time was Zack. Once I freed him, he could help me get the pig out of here. I waved goodbye to the pig.
"Communicate with you later."
Just as I left the room and went through the next door, I remembered that I needed feathers to make the top hat I had fancy enough for Bigtoe. That was a strange sentence. I'll get the feathers later.
The next room was a lounge. A fine lounge, if I were to believe the bright light-up sign above the window. There was a poster, a useless time zone clock, chairs, cereal and silverware, comfy looking chairs, a Chloro-Fill dispenser, and a recycling can. Hey, wait a second. I took a peek down the recycling can, and I saw the tail end of Goat-Man. So this is where those empty cans and cereal boxes cans from. Makes sense. If I could get that Chloro-Fill form the dispenser to the can, I could fill Goat-Man's room with the grassy liquid. That'd certainly make him happy. Good thing I saved that hose from Messie's enclosure with me.
I linked up one end of the hose to the Chloro-Fill dispenser, and the other end into the 'recycling' tube. I pushed the lever gently, and the grassy drink came gushing out into the goat's enclosure. One look down the tube was all I needed to confirm that the grass was as green as every, Goat-Man was happily eating, and that there were daisies that grew all over the place. I was glad I could help.
Now to go get Zack, If the pattern of the floors was any indication. His room's sign was detailed with fire, which was very fitting.
I entreated to see him tied up horizontally on a pole on the ceiling. There was nothing on the floor except a suspicious pile of monkey dolls. Judging from the emptiness of the room besides the moniker, I had a hunch that they ate everything. Probably.
"Hi, Zack."
"Myeh," he said in return.
"Why are you strapped to a shower curtain handle?"
"They guys who put me in here decided I was literally too hot for them to handle." That made sense. "Basically, I've been rendered helpless for safety reasons."
"Things must really be starting to heat up."
He squinted his eyes at me in disdain. "...Would you like any third degree burns? Please, take mine."
Haha. "That sounds great, but I'm not hungry. How are you today?"
He tried to shrug, which only led to his rope swaying a bit. "I'm a little tied up at the moment. Not a whole lot I can do."
I think the answer was obvious. "You have to burn the rope."
"I've tried that. The flames in my head just don't reach the rope."
"Keep trying," I encouraged. "You're on fire!"
"Joy," he said, very sarcastically.
His door's dialpad seemed intact, so I figured I'd ask him the code. "Do you know what the code for your cell is?"
"The code has five digits." Okay. "The digits are 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5, but not necessarily in that order." What. "The first digit plus the second digit is equal to the third digit." Are you kidding me. "The second digit is two times the first digit. The second digit is half the fourth digit." I swear to god, Zack. "And the fourth digit is the sum of the first and fourth digits."
"I'm not enjoying this game, Zack," I said, only slightly frustrated. Well, while I was figuring that out, "What are some fun facts about you that I don't already know?"
"Interesting question..." Zack started. "My favorite color is red, I never tie my shoes, I hate playing dodgeball, pigeons freak me out, and I'm allergic to daisies." Daisies, huh?
"Just how allergic? Do you shake up? Throw up? Perk up? Swell up? Break up?
"I just sneeze." Oh. "That probably seems anticlimactic, but it's apparently pretty bad now." How so? "Before I got tied to the ceiling, I sneezed once, and my whole body burst into flames." Oh wow.
"Spontaneous combustion from sneezing. The possibilities with that are endless." I couldn't figure out the code, so I decided to input the first thing I could think of. 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5, in that order. The door slid open.
"Yep," Zack said. "The videos just a simple rising set of consecutive numbers."
He must've been very bored. "...Out of curiosity, how could you have known what the code was?"
"Oh, it was written in this side of the door." Huh. Picture that. Well, since I saw daises in Goat-Man's enclosure, and Zack is allergic to daisies, and they make him spontaneously combust, I figure I can go to F2 and get a daisy real easy-like.
"Later, Zack," I waved.
"Hey, Goat Guy," I said when I entered his room. I was greeted with very loud chewing.
"OM NOM NOM DELICIOUS GREEN GRASS OH YES." Welp, I was glad he was glad.
"Once I grab one of these flowers, I'm gonna leave you alone—"
"PUT ONE FOOT ON THIS GREEN GRASS, AND YOU'LL FEEL THE WRATH OF A THOUSAND RAMS."
Ok, nevermind, then. I climbed down the layer, and reached four to pick the daisy closest to me, without setting foot on the 'delicious green grass.'
I made my way back to Zack to free him from his monkey cage.
I held the daisy up to his face, and... and... anddddd... he sneezed and burst into flames. The fire quickly put itself out, and then Zack was on the floor. He also burnt the daisy to a crisp.
He stood up. "I have mixed feelings about that escape."
"You're welcome." I was going to tell him to meet up with Smiley, but I needed him for a second. "Oh, hey—would you mind following me for a while?"
"Well I would mind. But, you're snark, so I'm sure there's a significant purpose to having me follow you."
"Great. Glad you agree." One more thing. "...But, I'm afraid you can't enter any rooms with smoke detectors."
"I'll be content as long as I get to burn something."
I guess turned him to follow me, and I took him to the pig's room. He blinked when he saw the pig.
"Can you burn this wood thing," I gestured to him and then the wood panel. He tilted his head up to it, and the wood melted away.
The pig was wide-eyed, and quicker than a bullet, flew up and away. Before we knew it, the pig was out the large windows and free, going my to their home near the Porktop Kingdom.
I stepped in the cage to collect the feathers that fell of when the pig escaped, and put them on the top hat I had with me. I held it up to Zack.
"Hey, do you think this is fancy enough?" He shrugged. I started walking towards the elevator, and he followed behind me. I pressed F1, and told Zack to go ahead and go to B2, since I needed to get Phred. He gave me a thumbs up and left me alone.
I presented the feather hat to Bigtoe. He placed it on his head and nodded. He then went behind a bush and picked up a dialpad. It was exactly what I needed to free Phred!
"Thank you for the lovely hat," he said, after he gave the dialpad to me. "I will be reminded of your kind gesture every time I vigorously do the tango."
Ok then. "This conversation just ended."
Now to free Phred. I went to floor B1, and walked over to his room.
"So, Phred..." I greeted.
"Yep?" He said.
"Do you know what the code for your door's dialpad is?"
"Snoz." Huh?
"...What?"
"I'm pretty sure the password is Snoz."
I looked at the dialpad in my hand, then back to him, confused. "But it can't be Snoz. It's only numbers."
"Really? I guess this paper I found was useless." He pulled a small slip of paper out of his pocket. "I'm not joking, though." He walked over to the door. "Here, maybe it means something to you." It fell through the slot in the door and I picked it up.
At first glance, it did in fact say Snoz. But after years of looking at Phred's lazy handwriting, I could tell that it actually says the numbers 51702. I put the dialpad in its proper place, and inputted those numbers. Now, Phred was free.
"Cool," he said, once he exited the cell. "Now what?"
"Smiley and Zack are waiting for us on the bottom floor of this building."
"Awesome. So, how to we get there?"
I was going down with him, so I didn't really need to say how to get down, but it would be funnier if I did tell him. "Just go out the door and there will be an elevator in plain sight."
"Down I go, then. I'll tell you if I can't find it."
We walked to the elevator together and he pushed the bottom-mist button. We came across Smiley and Zack, and Phred did a small double-take at Smiley's new hair. Honestly, I did the same thing. I turned to Phred.
"I'm guessing you found the elevator."
"Nope," he popped the puh sound. "Sure didn't."
I snorted. "Figures." I guestired everyone to follow me into the guard door's hallway. "Hey Smiley," I said to break the silence. "Where'd you learn to smile so much?"
"I think I was in the library." Huh.
"Statement does not compute," I said. We reached the guard door, and I laid the bait.
"My friends seem to all have accidentally stumbled out of their heavily-secured confinement cells. We were hoping to have a picnic in the room behind you. Care to let us in?"
"Wait—" it's metallic voice screeched. "all of you escaped? SRSLY?" It began to spit out some nonsense.
"ERROR%#!001 THAT IS SOMETHING I CANNOT COMPREHEND
ERROR%#!002 I WISH YOU ALL A HAPOY NEW YEAR
ERROR%#!003 00010011011100011000001100010010011111
ERROR%#!004 run> psychotic_frenzy.exe"
Wait, what was that last one?
"BeRzErKeR!" The door started gnashing it's metal teeth up and down continuously.
"This is exciting," Smiley said, helpfully. I didn't think I possessed the agility necessary to dive through those chomping teeth, so I decided to go upstairs to that screen room to turn off the guard door's power. I told everyone else to stay put.
I soon arrived at the screen room on floor B1. I to time my button press juuuust right so the door would be stuck open.
Easy-peasy. Let's see what the door was really guarding. I entered the doorway, only to see Diz held up behind a laser barrier, with a device strapped to his head. There were a bunch of screens around him about the Vizion project, some labeled 'MIND-READING ANALYSIS.' Call it a longshot, but I thought the machine might've been reading Diz's mind. What was really strange was that the project itself, Vizion, was dead.
Vizion was a scheme concocted by the payouts alien dictator, Viz. he started it to essentially destroy the whole universe. I mean, planet Earth would've been destroyed had I not found a way to stop the maniac. Viz got a taste of his own poison, and supposedly, the project died with him. I wondered if the researchers of Zone 5.1 realized this. Hm. No matter. I came there to free Diz. And then the whole journey through injustice would've all been just a pleasant memory.
There was a slot for a small, bizarrely shaped object that looked familiar. I searched around in my pockets and found the creature communicator and a keycard. I slid the creature communicator into the slot and two contraptions on either side of Diz opened up. I turned to the right first.
There were three math problems; 7-0, 8-2, and 6-6. The green grid nearby clearly needed the answers to the numbers inputted there, do I put in a 7, a 6, and then a 0. Every other laser turned blue, and the contraption above the finished puzzle opened, so I went up to it.
It was one of those tile puzzles (but it was shaped weirdly) that when you pressed a tile, some around it would light up and some wouldn't, so I clicked around in a pattern to get the whole thing over with quickly. Some of the lasers that were blocking my way to Diz disappeared. I walked to the bottom left puzzle.
There was a small grid filled with triangles that faced certain ways and a few squares. The bottom grid was completely clear, so I copied the smaller grid's patterns onto the bigger one. The remaining lasers turned blue, and I reacted up to the last puzzle.
Again, it was another tile thing, so I pressed the circles in a pattern and the lasers disappeared.
Diz didn't indicate that he had seen me enter, or when the lasers disappeared, so I think he was under a trance. I hopped up to take the helmet with wires off of his head, and after a second, he blinked and smiled at me. After I released his arms and legs, we ducked out of the room, seeing the waiting faces of my friends.
"Looks like everyone is here and accounted for." Diz pulled out the remote to the ship. "And everything at that... I still have the remote to the ship." He swiveled his head to look at me. "Now, marvelous hero... Lead the way—our freedom awaits us!"
My pleasure. I walked my friends to the elevator, then pressed the floor that Smiley was originally trapped on—and where the hanger the Vizion ship was in.
We had only just entered the room and started towards the ship when all hell broke loose. Red lights flashed and alarms blared. The large aircraft chute started closely slowly, and we all started to run to the ship in desperation. Diz, with his long legs, was way faster then the rest of us.
"Diz!" I shouted. "Wait up!"
"I'm sorry but there is no time!" he panted. "You will have to find another exit!"
I screeched to a halt and held out a hand to stop my friends from running anymore as Diz closed the distance to his ship, faster than any of us kids had any hope of getting there. By the time we all stopped running, the ship was up in the air. It barely scrapped by the closing chute and we all looked on in horror.
My brain, however, did not stop running. Different exit, different exit. Wait. The manhole. The floor we were just on before this. If I could get everyone there before we're caught, we could escape through the sewers.
"...This way!" I yelled at my friends. I somehow knew that we would need to go there.
Those anxiety-riddled few seconds of waiting while the elevator descended were some of the worst seconds in my life.
We quickly climbed down the ladder into the rest of the sewers, careful to make as little noise as possible. We couldn't let the Zone 5.1 security people catch us, or there would be dire consequences.
It was dark, especially after Phred closed the manhole cover. The ladder down was illuminated by Zack's constant head flame.
I reached the bottom, and I prepared to converse with my friends a plan to properly escape, but to our horror, the manhole cover slid open and the agents peered over.
I made eye contact with one of them, and stuttered out a "R-RUN!"
The guard yelled to his comrades, "They're down here! Come on!" And we ran for our lives.