Bonus Content
A Top Gear Magazine and Cosmopolitan book of the month. John Savage definitely picked up some of his skills here. Just skim the contents pages and then enjoy the sampleChapters and videos. Illustrations are included in-book but not in the sample.
How to Drive a Tank...
. . . and Other Everyday Tips for the Modern Gentleman
By Frank Coles
Dedication
For my friend Sam Harber,
my father and my grandfathers.
Gentlemen whose lights burned brightly.
'Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not.'
Virgil Thomson (advice given at age ninety-three)
The Legal Bit (aka Here be Dragons)
No book, including this one, can replace the services and supervision of qualified personnel. As you will see the best policy for following the advice in this book is always to seek guidance and help from professionals.
Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and accurate as possible. However neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable for any loss or injury arising as a result of the information in this book.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
What Do You Really Really Want?
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda . . .
LIFE SKILLS EVERY MAN SHOULD HAVE
How to Drive a Tank
Handbrake Turns . . . and Other Naughty Driving Skills
Pick Locks, Safes and Chastity Belts
How to Hotwire Cars and Motorbikes
How to Defeat Security Systems
How to Get a Gun in any City in the World in the Next Few Hours
How to Disappear Without Trace
How to Hide a Dead Body
Make Things Go Boom
Drill It ’Til You Can Kill It – How to Shoot Any Gun
How to Fight – The Everyday Application of Extreme Force
How to Survive the Wild . . . Because You Never Know When You Might Need To
How to Gamble – It’s All in the Game
Learn Any Language – In a Week, in a Month, in a Year
Learn to Jam in a Day
FROM THE GENTLEMAN’S CLUB
The Bare Essentials
Bondage for Everyday Exhibitionists
HAVE IT ALL
Man and Motor: Why It Doesn’t Matter if the Oil Runs Out
High-Octane Thrills + Speed ≠ £££
Hot Laps – Off Road in the Arctic Circle
On the Water
Live Fast, Die Old – How to Ride a Motorbike
Wings and Whirlybirds – Millionaire Playthings: or Are They?
Space Travel
People Power
Living for Adventure
Proving It – How to Jump Out of a Plane and Live
Living on the Edge
WORK AND MONEY
Money – The Fundamentals
Never Get Ripped Off Again – Negotiating Skills from the Boardroom, the Street and the Souk
Swinging Dicks – Office Politics and How to Win Every Time
How to Hire a Hit Man
Cruising Without the Bruising – The Four-Hour Work Week
In Praise of Idleness – The Philosophy and the Foolishness of the 9–5
MAN THINGS
Lost Erections – Where Do They All Go?
Forever Fit
How to Be a Great Dad
Being the Strong Man Women Really Want
LUST AND LOVE
The Best Sex She’s Never Had – Keep Her Coming Back
Multiple Orgasms – Yours not Hers
THE DIVINE COMEDY
Laughing and Crying
Smile at the Devil and Spit in His Face – Depression and How to Deal with It
MIND CONTROL
Mind Mastery – Be Happy, Handle Anything, Some Cognitive Tools:
Assertiveness – The Art of Saying No or . . .
How to Grow a Pair
More than Mnemonics – The Loci Palace
Control Your Thoughts – Never Fall for Advertising, Politicians, Religious Authorities or Con Men: What They Never Taught You at School or on the Job
Religion and Spirituality
The Meaning of Life
Afterword
Acknowledgements
Introduction
Call yourself a man? You do? Do you even know what a real man is? Are you a six foot one Adonis who wears all the latest fashions, moisturises regularly, visits spas for pleasure and never does anything wrong? Or do you drink twenty pints every Friday night, batter some schmuck on the way home, spend three seconds with the misses and fart yourself to sleep?
A prissy metrosexual or a monosyllabic lad? One-dimensional advertising demographics. Isn’t that what being a man is?
Thankfully no. There are as many paths to manhood as there are men. A man can be buff and bucolic, a lover and a fighter, a father and a fire starter, a twist or a straight, a rock god or a tank commander and everything else in between.
Being a man means making mistakes, trying things out, knowing when to say no, knowing when to be tender and knowing when to be hard; it’s neither one-dimensional nor any one thing. And let’s just clear something up right now: macho is just the bluster of little boys, manly is knowledge and inner strength to find your own path – whatever that turns out to be.
So that’s what we’re here to do, to throw down a few ideas and see if there’s anything you can play for a winning hand in the game of life. What you hold in your hands is the essence of a gentleman’s guide but a little bit bigger, a little bolder and a damn sight more dangerous. Because it says you can do anything you want to, gives you the first steps how and then a friendly shove.
But danger doesn’t mean simply putting your life on the line for extreme sports and adventurous sex although that can be a part of it – that’s up to you. Danger means putting your ego on the line and challenging yourself to do and think things outside your comfort zone.
It’s the kind of thing our fathers and teachers would have liked to tell us and the kind of thing we wish we could do as fathers and friends ourselves.
There are no pre-packaged life products you can buy off a shelf or order online. You won’t be a passive consumer inside these pages but the manufacturer of your own experience. If you don’t throw the book at the wall at least once and laugh out loud even more then I am doing my job wrong. What’s more I expect abuse from you, I expect you to tell me I’m wrong and that’s a good thing. Think about it.
Being a man means recapturing the idea of being a gentleman in the sense of being a truly noble man and doing the right thing, learning from your mistakes, and saying what needs to be said, and then just for kicks knowing how to blow shit up or jam with a guitar. It’s definitely not about being a man’s man; it’s about being your own man. And being a man is fun. I mean really how dangerous can that idea be?
What Do You Really Really Want?
Okay before we begin there are one or two things we have to straighten out. First thing is this. I can show you any number of ways to tie a tie, scale a rock face or bodyboard a naked teen through a lake of fire but they will all mean absolutely nothing if we don’t first figure out why we’re here.
I won’t just be making things up or copying from books on social etiquette written in the 1930s. I’ll actually be doing as many things as I can so that you know I’m not just heckling you from the sidelines and to show you that whatever you put your mind to you can do too. While researching this book I burst my left retina, cracked a couple of ribs, and fractured my wrist, and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. You see, being a gentleman is about far more than knowing how to wear a tie pin or hold a door open. So here we go . . .
The Modern Gent
Back in the day, days of yore to be precise, a gentleman was simply a bad boy who got away with it. They gave him lands, castles and funny little coats of arms that kept him occupied and away from anything where he might cause too much trouble, say international politics. Then Henry VIII went and spoiled the party by chopping off one head too many.
Suddenly the definition of what constituted a gentleman changed and became a set of rules for how to behave made up by wives intent on keeping their heads and the kind of chaps who didn’t like warring and whoring in foreign parts.
They boil down to this:
Look nice, act nice, speak with authority and eloquence, have your own income, don’t cause too much trouble but be prepared to step in when absolutely necessary.
There were of course the obligatory rituals stolen from chivalry: pull the chair out for the ladies, make sure they don’t have to ruffle their petals unnecessarily, those delicate little flowers that need tending. Poor things.
Thank god that all changed. Women have moved on from being finishing school fops and everyday house servants.
However many of us domesticated males are stuck in the roles defined by the Industrial Revolution working silly hours so that our wives can stay at home (they’ve stopped doing that remember?) to produce the next generation of domesticated males for the factory floor.
Times have changed, but we have not. Very few of us know how to be bold, brave, self-effacing, self-critical or put our lives or egos on the line; we’ve become the equivalent of those delicate little flowers that need tending, only wearing a disguise of thorns. You know the look: the haircut like a foetus, the cheap mass-produced sportswear. The only calluses we have are on our game-playing thumbs and our most daring adventures are package holidays.
One Saturday night not so long ago I witnessed a painful example of the modern ‘bloke’. I tried to stop another man from beating his wife to the ground and splitting her skull open. I was held back by the kind of men who would rather stand and watch hoping no one bothers them and that life passes them by. Once they’d finished with her they turned on me.
I would do it again tomorrow.
How about something worth aspiring to? The Oxford English Dictionary tells us that in the thirteenth century manliness meant:
1. To have the noble qualities of a man who is of mature character.
2. Having the admirable traits and virtues of being honourable, having courage and being independent.
It had little to do with class or status. The modern gentleman needs to represent the best of the old – daring, adventurous and willing to have a go – combined with the best of the new – courteous, intelligent and self-aware.
By necessity we will have to explore a few of the dark arts while we’re here because rather than saying, ‘Oh I couldn’t possibly,’ we want to say, ‘I know how but I choose not to . . . for the moment.’
If you’ve been wanting to find a new direction now is always the time; you really can do anything you want only most people don’t want to. They’re scared.
So what do you most want to do?
And what are you most scared of?
Be honest with your answers: they are just for you not for anyone else. You might end up with two huge lists or not have any answers because you’ve never thought about this before. Whichever it is don’t dwell on it; pack a sense of humour in your kitbag and let’s see where we end up.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda . . .
. . . pursued that dream job, chased that girl, taken that trip, stayed at school, dropped out, kicked that fucker’s arse, eaten the monkey brain, snorted the white powder, gone into rehab, mainlined vodka, jumped out of a plane, raised a child, driven a car so fast your ears popped, been pampered like a prince, skinned a rabbit, learned to cook, won at blackjack, cheated at poker, spoken another language, felt the warmth in a stranger’s eyes, travelled to the edge of space, hit the road, taken a year out, lived on the edge, been your own boss, hired a hit man, retired young, had the sex you wanted, survived a crisis and lived to tell, said yes and meant it, taken the knocks, found meaning, woken up happy, turned off the TV, survived in the wild, learned to shoot, seduced someone truly beautiful and travelled the world.
So choose life, choose being a man. Occasionally you might even be accused of being a gentleman.
Now let’s take a step in the right direction . . .
LIFE SKILLS EVERY MAN SHOULD HAVE
Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb.
That’s where the fruit is.
H. Jackson Browne
How to Drive a Tank
The first question is why would you want to? Well let’s see; you get to be that guy sticking his head out of the little hatch just like James Bond and then if the mood strikes you rebel against the herd instinct of commuter traffic by taking short cuts through thick walls and over parked cars.
Take a fully loaded Russian T55-AM2 tank for example, a more modern version of the one Pierce Brosnan drove in Goldeneye. It measures more than six metres long and is nearly four metres wide. Massive, unwieldy and complex it weighs in at a whopping 42 tonnes and has a 45-litre engine capable of 690bhp. It has a top speed of 50mph and in the right hands is a deadly and destructive mobile weapons system.
At the very least you’ll always be able to find a parking space.
My American uncle Armando drove one of its older incarnations in the first Gulf War and according to him, ‘You had to steer it with a hammer.’
Life often feels a little like that so perhaps as a mechanical metaphor for the intricate nuances of a modern gentleman’s life it’s an apt one to start with.
So is it really possible for one man to bring this unwieldy life–tank–gentleman thing under control? Possibly even with a little finesse? Could you do it? Could I? How do you drive the square tank of life into the round hole of happiness and fulfilment?
Well as tanks can drive through buildings, crush cars and take out the enemies of an easy life and abundance with one well-placed shell I’d say let’s hold on to our helmets, floor the accelerator and see what happens when we actually drive one.
The easiest way to do this is to get yourself on a red letter day where you’ll be taken out with a handful of other equally deranged people and allowed a few minutes on a tracked vehicle of some sort which could range from a small armoured people carrier to a Chieftain tank.
Of course, the most effective and life-changing option is to join the army and attend their training school in Bovington.
But remember: you are basically sitting in a target on tracks and there will be plenty of unfriendly armies and air forces out there eager to shred you into bite-sized chunks.
As a private individual to make the most of the Bovington facilities you’d also need a Top Gear-sized budget to play with and a lot of patience as you wait for the cogs of military bureaucracy to clank round.
Alternatively you can contact private tank owners direct.
But be warned: they are an idiosyncratic breed. They tend to be men with large tracts of farmland to play with and a fair few quid in the bank. They spend their cash on tanks sourced from various armies around the world. The cost of these vehicles can be anything from tens of thousands of pounds to hundreds of thousands. Good examples are regularly serviced and in full working order, the other type end their days as unique talking points next to the water feature.
You could buy your own tank and then take your H licence, the same one you need for a tracked digger and then drive it legally on the road. But buyer beware: make sure private individuals offering H licence training in their own tanks can deliver on any promises and aren’t more interested in money than in training. If you are thinking of taking this route my advice is to go through a commercial firm that trains construction contractors. After all the training vehicle doesn’t matter as long as you get the licence.
But you don’t need a licence to drive off-road on private land. I used the rolling farmland of the Tank School in Usk on the Welsh border. Where Alastair Scott is the proud owner of the only T55-AM2 in the country. He bought it from the Polish government and agreed to show me how to drive it. He assured me that it was nothing like the older version of the T55 that my uncle drove and definitely didn’t need a hammer to operate the steering or the fully operational laser-guided targeting system.
However if it hasn’t been used in a while the beastly T55 does need some warming up. Before you can take it anywhere you have to prepare the engine, the fuel and the pressurised heating and cooling system. Not by flipping a switch as you might in your compact high-spec modern family motor but by setting a fire beneath it. Literally. On a mild winter morning Alastair lit what looked like a mini flame-thrower built into the machine underneath the chassis and we waited outside for the tank to boil. Once the toxic fumes cleared he fired it up and we were ready to roll.
Lurching out of its garage we clambered on to the behemoth’s back and with Alastair at the controls headed for the combination farmland and woodland training area.
I then took over Alastair’s position in the front driving seat and he strapped himself above me onto the side of the tank so that he could coach as we drove. My uncle had also warned that Russian tanks were designed for small people and it was a tight squeeze for a broad-shouldered lump like me to fit through the small driving hatch.
Core Combatives instructor Mick Coup (you’ll meet him later on) still holds his H licence from his time in the military.
When he heard that I was going to handle one of these babies for real he said, ‘They’re easy to drive, you’ll love it.’ Conflicting information. Somebody had to be right but who? With the engine idling over it was time to find out.
Surprisingly the controls of the T55 tank are almost identical to those of a manual car. There are only two differences.
First the thick chrome gear stick can be slightly harder to move and has an unfamiliar five-speed shift pattern with gear one in the bottom middle rather than the top left.
Second there’s a distinct absence of steering wheel. Instead on either side of you are two steering levers that extend to shoulder height and move along an arc that runs parallel to your body.
To start moving you press the clutch down with your left foot, pop it into gear, push the levers all the way forward and then take your foot off the clutch. Next to the clutch is a brake pedal and accelerator set out just like your car. A firm stamp on the accelerator and away you go. Easy.
Now how do you turn without a steering wheel?
Simple: both steering levers have a middle braking position. If you want to turn left pull the left lever to the halfway point. This stops the track on the left side while the still moving track on the right pushes you round in the direction you want to go.
It is a far from dainty procedure. With all that power under the bonnet any other machine would be shaken to pieces but with so much weight beneath you it is an unexpectedly smooth ride. And for such a big vehicle the turning circle is smaller than some 4×4s I’ve driven, as Alastair proved by having me perform ever tighter figures of eight on my first go at the controls.
You probably wouldn’t be able to take it into the nearest multi-storey car park without removing a few walls but get your head around the size of the machine and it really is that simple. There is a little less finesse rounding a corner but then you are in a tank; you don’t have to worry if you hit anything smaller than an elephant.
And when you finally open it up on the straight, in our case a wide open field, it’s like shoving a chilli up an elephant’s backside: it’s stupidly dangerous, surprisingly fast and something mechanically wonderful to behold. Anything in your way is like the pub doors ahead of a monk after his final day of abstinence: splinters.
To change gears you go through the whole levers forward process again. Despite Alastair having to shout his commands over the rapid fire ack-ack-ack of the engine’s pistons that’s all there is to it. Black smoke pours out of the rear exhaust but that doesn’t affect you at the front. It’s no more difficult than driving a car. Anyone could do it. Yes, even you. But as in life it’s where you take it and what you do with it when you get there that counts.
In fact tanks are so easy to drive that they are regularly hijacked in civilian uprisings. This happened in Paris in 1944, Budapest in 1956, Prague in 1968 and most recently in 2006 when protesters in Budapest (again) seized a museum display tank and drove it away. Unfortunately for them the museum piece ran out of fuel a hundred metres down the road slap bang in the middle of a protest and they were instantly surrounded by police.
It’s actually quite surprising to find that there are a great many tanks littering the British countryside, and, as I found out, many of them fully operational. But for anyone with lofty guerilla ambitions in the British Isles you’d be a bit of an obvious target trundling into your nearest service station and trying to fill up with diesel.
It takes four people to make the T55 fully operational so if you and your pals do decide one drunken Saturday night to take over the neighbouring tower block or village you’ll need more than Dutch courage and a foolhardy plan to make your hopes for world domination a reality.
How about this? You could try dressing in a chauffeur's outfit then each take a different service station one tank at a time and tell them you’re drivers from www.tanklimo.com.
You never know it might just work.
You see, learning to drive is the easy bit. Like being born the tricky bit is all the stuff that comes after it. As I found out during my training: without effective knowledge of how to operate one of these bad boys the tank’s laser-targeting system is likely to permanently blind you, the moving turret liable to rip limbs from your body or crush your skull, and, if the smoke alarm goes off, you’ve only got thirty seconds to remember how to unlock the hatch before poisonous gases flood the interior and kill you outright.
Still, that’s life: dangerous, full of obstacles, and just like a tank an outrageous amount of fun if you learn how to use it and then give it everything you’ve got.
Handbrake Turns . . . and Other Naughty Driving Skills
Early marketers fooled men into buying Ford Model T’s because they claimed it made men more manly. This campaign strategy helped usher in the age of the car. It became a modern myth so successful that later generations of Freudians and feminists used the penis-substitute label to denigrate any man who owned a car for simply being, well a man who owned a car. And they had a point: there is nothing particularly masculine about exchanging money for a product.
On the other hand knowing how to drive a car better than the next man is. Clever chaps in white coats have demonstrated that for women risk-taking in men isn’t an attractive trait but between peer groups of men it is. Risk-taking is hard-wired into us from our days as hunter-gatherers when not taking extra risks to hunt for food meant our tribe might starve.
So it doesn’t matter if you drive a Fiat Punto or a Bugatti Veyron; it’s the combination of skill, quick thinking, calmness under pressure and control at speed that are ultimately desirable and distinguish you from your average boy racer or the kind of hunter that would run in waving his arms and scare the monkeys away.
For any modern gent it’s not enough to only know how to parallel park and it’s unlikely the skills learned for your formal driving test will help you escape the clutches of Russian spies, dodgy London geezers, boyz in the hood or even ex-wife number six. And it’s not hard to learn the extra skills you need in order to achieve this. They take less than a weekend of study and are the kind of moves you see on the big screen and real-life police shows. You know the kind of audacious moves that make tyres smoke like a camp fire and make you squeal like a soprano in nipple clamps.
You can even teach yourself. For this you need three things: first a car you don’t mind hammering a little. It doesn’t need any special modification; a standard roadworthy car is just the ticket.
Second you need space. Lots of space. Such as a large empty parking lot or industrial area.
Third you need the stones to just have a go. You’ll be amazed how easy some of these moves are to execute; a little harder to master but then this is one of the key themes of the book. Fear. It’s not always an easy thing to overcome but overcome it you will.
You can of course pay someone to teach you. They then provide the cars, the space and the expertise to make it all happen and logistically it saves a whole lot of headaches for you. A security professional friend of mine considers power slide days and stunt courses to be as good an option as any bodyguard’s driving course and they cost about a tenth of the price. So under the tuition of a firm called Dynamic Drivers I found myself in a disused airfield in the West Country. First out the bag . . .
The Handbrake Turn
Not just any handbrake turn but a turn into an empty space between two parked cars. Just like in the movies. To do this you need to find a suitable parking space. Approach from about 50 metres out and keep the parking spot on your right. In first gear bring the car up to around 3500 revs.
When you reach the empty spot between the two cars put your left hand on the steering wheel at nine o’clock and spin it round to six o’clock. As soon as you begin to turn the wheel pull on the handbrake. Then correct any oversteer with the steering wheel.
You can also approach from the other direction. Just reverse your hands on the wheel, start at three o’clock and turn anti-clockwise. That’s it. Simple and effective. However it is easy to overcook it so you may want to practise a little before trying this anywhere near real cars or pedestrians.
To do this you’ll need four traffic cones. Lay them out just over a car length apart in your large empty area. Two on the outside edge representing the road side of the parked cars and two on the inside to mark out the area where pedestrians walk and manslaughter charges apply.
For hairpin bends we use the same principles. From whatever speed you’re doing drop down to second then first gear, turn into the corner, clutch down, apply the handbrake so that the rear wheels lock and the back end comes round.
Once you’re pointing in the right direction it’s clutch up and back on the power.
It might take you a few goes to master these techniques or like me you might get it right first time and then spend several attempts over-analysing things until you finally get it right again. But it’s a skill that once learned will never be forgotten. As is the following.
The J-Turn
This is the classic move from big screen car chases from James Bond to The Fast and the Furious. It’s also known as the Bootlegger. So if you want to feel like Steve McQueen this is the one and it’s surprisingly easy to achieve whether you’re using an automatic or a manual, front or rear wheel drive. Here’s how.
Manual transmission
Step 1. Find your straight line through the rear window.
Fix your eyes on a spot in the distance, this should keep you on course.
Step 2. Pop it into reverse and floor the throttle.
Step 3. At around 25–30mph take your foot off the accelerator. This doesn’t need to be a pretty or smooth manoeuvre but it does need to be quick as the idea is to unbalance the rear suspension.
Step 4. With your hand on the steering wheel at seven to nine o’clock throw the steering wheel away to the right.
This now unbalances the front end and the car will automatically fly straight round. If it’s a good J-turn the rear wheels will stay virtually still as the front wheels spin around to the front.
Step 5. Look forward, clutch down and into first gear. Drive away.
How hard is that? For automatics the final step is even easier as you don’t use the clutch.
Step 5. (Automatic) Look forward, change from reverse into drive and away you go.
You may find on the first few attempts that just before you change gear you instinctively hit the brakes. Don’t worry about this. During my training only one person managed it first time. Our instructor said he was the first in three months to do so.
To overcome the compulsion to brake in between each set, simply visualise the manoeuvre without the braking reaction in your mind first. Repeat until it fixes in your unconscious. This usually happens somewhere between the third and sixth attempts; suddenly you’ll find the front end whipping round in front of you with a satisfying screech of tyres and the stench of burning rubber before you accelerate away.
Practising J-turns beats sitting at home twiddling away on Grand Theft Auto any day of the week. But this is one exercise that will seriously beat up your car and especially your tyres, which is why it’s always good to use a vehicle you’re not worried about trashing or cars specifically maintained for the job.
If you want to take this move even further you could try upping the size of the vehicle; how about a double-decker bus or a single-level coach? Or my personal favourite: the golf cart – there’s nothing like scaring the boys in slacks.
Even better still try a fully insured hire car. It’s even easier when it’s not your own car you’re spanking.
The Power Slide – Variations
Easily the most desirable skill to have is the power slide. It’s the one move that really gets your heart pumping and turns heads whether you’re a TV presenter, a Hollywood stunt man or just keen to try out your getaway skills. The idea is to keep the car moving at a constant speed through a corner. To do this you break traction by applying the brakes just before turning into the corner then reapplying acceleration so that the car appears to be travelling in a different direction from the one you’re actually going in, usually sideways.
It really looks the business but there are different ways to do it depending on the type of car you’re driving. In a front wheel drive you’re using oversteer to get you round the corner; in rear wheel drive or four wheel drive it’s the power through the back wheels. When you do this from corner to corner without regaining traction that’s called drifting.
FRONT WHEEL DRIVE: The Scandinavian Flick While you can modify the previous hairpin handbrake turn to accommodate your edge of the seat needs, at speed it is easy to get wrong. Here’s a simpler technique.
Once again the aim is to unbalance the car, so at speed drop down into third gear, then quickly turn the wrong way into a corner to unbalance (that’s right, away from the corner you’re turning into) then immediately turn back the right way.
Now let the rear end slide out as far as your nerves can take and hit the throttle to power out of the slide.
It takes a bit more to master this technique but it is well worth it. The initial shimmy where you turn against the direction of the corner feels totally counter-intuitive and if you’re trying it on a mountain road with a precipice ahead for your first time it’ll scare the hell out of you.
Again it’s a perfect manoeuvre to practise in a wide-open space such as a disused airfield, industrial estate or race track.
REAR WHEEL DRIVE
Doughnuts
Classic doughnuts are for show offs and are best performed in a rear wheel drive car. They are a useful step in building up to an RWD power slide. This is where you slide the back end of the car around in a tight circle so that the front end swivels around a circular central point. It could be described as doughnut-shaped as could the smoking tyre tracks you leave behind.
Step 1. From a standing start select first gear.
Step 2. Lock the steering wheel over in the direction you want to go.
Step 3. Apply loads of revs.
Step 4. Release the clutch.
Away you go. Simple, perfect doughnuts every time. If you’re attacking it from a rolling start simply squeeze on the handbrake before hitting first gear and locking the steering wheel.
Power slide in a circle
You will be going in a wider circle and this requires more skill than the simple doughnut. To begin have your car rolling in second gear then turn into the direction of steer and hammer the throttle.
Now comes the tricky bit: you have to balance the power with the steering and constantly adjust. Too much power and you’ll spin out, too little and the car will straighten up and you’ll lose the power and the slide.
Power slide into a corner
To put it all together, first turn into a bend at around 50–70mph to get the tail out then catch the slide and apply full throttle. Balance power with steering to hold the line round the corner and as you complete the turn ease off the power, straighten up and accelerate out.
Now take a deep breath and don’t worry about grinning too much. If you’ve taken my advice you’ll have practised all this in a big open space using a car you’re not worried about hurting. Better still you’ll have a professional there to teach you. You’ll make a few mistakes as you learn these skills but like anything good in life to do it properly you need to be prepared to make a few mistakes first. So get out there and learn to make your tyres sing.
Watch the videos to go with thisChapter: http://bit.ly/wqvPdX
Pick Locks, Safes and Chastity Belts
We have all found ourselves on the outside looking in whether it’s the high school dance, the head office or outside our front door with no key, no phone and the rain beating down on our heads. But fear not: the basics of lock picking are far easier to pick up than the endless nuances of social climbing and although it takes time to master, it’s fun, and makes heroin addiction look like a very dull hobby.
So let’s start with our front door and get out of this rain.
You can, of course, use the brute force method and smash the door off its hinges but this can be a lot harder to pull off than in the movies and you’re likely to damage your ankle or shoulder in the process. Cops use those battering rams for a reason you know. Our first entry method is one I learned as a teen and demonstrates the primary principle of lock picking – exploiting inherent design flaws – although without a pick in sight.
Examine your front door lock. If it’s a normal cylinder type with a locking bolt that has a curved edge facing you then we’re good to go. With the door shut simply insert an old credit card between the door and the frame until it touches the curve. Now give it a firm tap, et voilà the lock is open.
If the curve is facing away from you and you want to show off thread a shoelace around one side of the bolt.
Start at the top, pull the other end back towards you and pull hard on both ends of the lace. Once again, it’s open sesame.
It’s so easy that when you’ve done it once you’ll ask yourself why anyone would have a standard lock fitted.
However many modern door frames now have a line of beading that covers the opening between door and frame to prevent such easy access. But if you have a flat-head screwdriver to hand you can lever off the beading and use the screwdriver’s tip instead of a plastic card or shoelace to get in.
Of course destroying your door frame is expensive and noisy, you may as well have called the locksmith.
Well now that your blood is up after a bit of casual breaking and entering you’re probably feeling a tad frisky and unnecessary. I bet you can’t wait to whisk your latest squeeze – let’s call her Nicole – off to that little place in the country. But wait: her papa has heard about your reputation, gone medieval on your ass, and imprisoned her nether regions in a good old-fashioned chastity belt with a great big clanking padlock on it. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Time for your first real lock pick.
You’ll need to practise a little first. Here’s what you’ll need:
Two paperclips.
One medium-sized padlock.
To make the pick: take paperclip one and unfold the first arm of metal once until you’ve made a right angle.
To make the tension wrench: take paperclip two, unfold two sides of the first arm and then fold this back on itself until the two sides of the metal are as flush to each other as you can get.
Insert the flattened end of the paperclip tension wrench at the base of the lock opening and push in as far as you can.
Apply tension with a finger against the wrench in a clockwise direction, about as much as you would use to tighten a jam jar. Keep the tension constant.
Now insert the pick all the way in and rake back across the pins. You should feel the lock turn when all the pins are free. Congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back.
You’ve just completed your first lock pick with nothing more than some simple tools that you’ve fashioned yourself.
Troubleshooting: just in case it didn’t happen for you first time keep at it. My first one popped open on the third attempt when I stopped jiggling and tried to feel the pins.
Remember to keep constant tension on the wrench or it won’t work. If your paperclips are made of very soft metal don’t be afraid to replace them as they wear out.
Now that you’ve mastered this technique maybe you feel like liberating your significant other. She’s been very patient so far.
Once you two have had your fun I’m sure you’ll want to check out of the cute little hotel where you’ve been holed up for the weekend and leave the mess for someone else to tidy up. But how typical of the middle of nowhere: the code on your safe has stopped working and your passports and money are inside. What’s more there’s no one on reception.
What are you going to do?
If you’re a sneaky sort of chap you’ll have already looked up the model of your safe using the hotel internet and tried the factory pre-set master code. Usually something like 888888 and then press E. Now depending on the hotel management they may or may not have changed this. If they have then usually they’ve been asked to input a 3–8-digit number. You’d be surprised how many choose 1234, 111 or some other simple to beat combination – after all the sleepy night porter has to be able to remember it. If you’re a well-organised sort of fellow you may well have gone so far as to buy your own hotel safe, one that matches those of the establishment you’re staying in. Why would you do this?
Well as most standard hotel safes cost less than £100 and come with a basic override key that opens every model of that safe . . . oh dear, have I said too much?
So, passport and money in hand you reach the outside garage only to find that it is also locked and there’s still no one around. Now it’s time to get down to business, no more fannying around with paperclips.
You bring out your tool kit that contains the usual collection of picks and wrenches. You’ll have already familiarised yourself with the whole range – picks with names like diamond, half diamond, hook, lifter, feeler, ball, double ball, half-ball and double half-ball, snake, patterned and profile, feeler and dimple as well as the wave picks, lever picks, tubular picks and cross picks. You can buy these from online locksmiths as complete sets or fashion them yourself from templates also found easily online.
For the standard five or six pin tumbler lock you’ll need to get used to using a tension wrench and pick in exactly the same way you used the paperclips, although with a little more finesse and savvy on the pick.
The way a lock works is that there is a shear line running from front to back inside it. There are then five or more equal-sized driver pins (top pins) sitting on top of five unequal sized key pins (bottom pins). Because the key pins are uneven in size they straddle the shear line at different heights that correspond to the indentations on the key that opens it.
When you slide the key in, the indents force the driver pins to line up along the shear line to create an opening. This allows the cylinder to turn and the lock to open. When using a pick you need to apply tension in the direction of turn with the wrench and work through one pin at a time to move it into the correct position above the shear line. The pin that you start with and each subsequent pin you release is called the binding pin – i.e. it binds across the shear line. When you’ve tapped all five into the correct position the lock will open just as if you had a key. Easy right?
It will take time to master but it is worth the effort. Once you have the feel of it you can move on to other types of lock, use lock-pick guns and shims, blind-touch laser picks and slim jims for car entry and of course the professional cat burglar’s favourite, the bump key. As you’re driving away from your hotel you’ll be kicking yourself for not making life easy and bringing a set along in the first place.
What a bump key is: take a normal key that fits your desired lock and cut the indentations down to their lowest setting (the lower line mark on the key), keeping the ridges intact. Insert the key part of the way into the lock (leaving one ridge or pin length sticking out) and give it a bump on the end – usually with a bump hammer – while applying tension with your thumb. The pins should jump above the shear line from front to back and allow the lock to turn.
You can make these yourself from key blanks ordered online although in some areas these can only be bought by registered locksmiths. You can also order pre-cut bump keys. However in some countries they are considered a burglary tool and you could find yourself in trouble if found in possession with intent to use the tool for any kind of naughtiness. But hey you are a thoroughly modern gentleman after all. The thought never even crossed your mind did it?
How to Hotwire Cars and Motorbikes
Hotwiring a car other than one you own is a criminal offence and for newer models may not work. These days manufacturers often hide the components or wires and include cut-off switches – which means the engine won’t start even with a key.
It may also require a chipped key (hint: if there’s an RFID (radio-frequency identification) chip in it, stick it to the steering column before trying the following). But for older models you’re good to go. If you find yourself stranded in a hostile environment like a desert or suburban housing estate you won’t give a damn that it makes you look like a car thief.
Be warned: the following techniques could cause electric shocks or serious damage to the engine, internal components and your car. Use with caution.
Screwdriver in the Ignition
Take a flat-head screwdriver and use it in place of a key.
Simply insert into the keyhole and turn. It’s not the most flash way to do it but it’ll save you a whole lot of trouble. If it doesn’t work don’t worry, you can use the screwdriver for the next solution.
The Old-Fashioned Way
Right, make sure you’re in neutral then get yourself under the steering column and remove the ignition cover – sometimes clipped on, sometimes screwed on. Typically you’ll now see three pairs of wires. Each one corresponds to one turn on the ignition key so the first is the battery-on position, next lights, radio and electrics and the final one the starter motor.
Unfortunately there’s no standard colour-coding system for these wires so you’ll need to look in the manual to find out which pair is which. However if you’ve lost it or there’s a bunch of hoodies banging on the window you could try the following.
Find the matching power wires, usually red. Disconnect them, strip the ends and reconnect by twisting them together. Bingo: the dash should light up. Do not touch them to anything metal in the car.
Now locate the starter wire or wires, often brown.
WARNING: Do not touch the bare ends of these wires: they carry live current and you may be electrocuted. Now that you know this and have taken full responsibility for whatever happens next, strip the ends of these wires and cross the brown and red together. Just like the desperate hero in the movies. You should see a spark and the engine should start.
Once the car is running, separate the live wires and cover the bare ends to protect yourself while driving.
Give the car a few revs to prevent it stalling and your having to repeat this procedure. Now put your foot down and get the hell out of Dodge.
Motorbikes are even easier. Just take the ignition cover off and twist the battery and ignition wires together (check the manual to find out the exact specs for your machine or opt for red and green if you’re in a jam). Now start the motor and drive like the devil himself was chasing you.
Watch the videos to go with thisChapter: http://bit.ly/x8vecO
How to Defeat Security Systems
We've all seen the films where the hero blows some cosmetic powder into an infrared beam or uses a mirror to reflect the light back on itself without breaking the circuit. I mean who doesn’t like watching Catherine Zeta Jones ooze her way through those red light beams in Entrapment? If your significant other is reading this over your shoulder then why pretend? Clearly the answer is both of you. But in the real world of high tech sometimes silent, sometimes scarily loud or police-alerting alarm systems, is there anything likely to work?
You bet. Our old friend the design flaw is here to help us.
Alarm systems are just like network controllers, cameras or any other electrical device: many of them have default settings that are easy to exploit such as simple four-digit pass codes or call centre passwords that are nothing more than the owner’s telephone number. As with most hacks a quick scan through the user’s handbook or manual can often provide what you’re looking for.
Cosmetic powder really doesn’t work simply because the dust particles are heavy enough to trip the alarm. On the other hand the noted security expert Marc Weber Tobias, author of Locks, Safes and Security, demonstrated a real-world example that does work using an off-the-shelf motion detector, the Lasershield by Motorola. To bypass the settings of this wireless system he simply bought a walkie-talkie from the same manufacturer and kept the broadcast key pressed down the entire time he was in the building that used the Lasershield. As they both operate on the same frequency this blocked any alarm signal sent to the base unit from the sensors. It’s just like the hero’s mirror trick only he uses sound rather than light. As a great many wireless sensors can be defeated by radio jamming it’s also one of the best kept secrets in the industry.
Of course there are all kinds of reasons to hack an alarm system other than sneaky peeking in your neighbour’s back-yard. You can rig these systems to launch freaky phantoms, fog machines and spooky lights for Halloween, or MP3 players, CD systems, PowerPoint presentations, and air horns that sound whenever someone walks past. Basically anything with an on/off switch.
Yes, but what about technology and the constant forward march of progress I hear you cry? Biometrics (fingerprint sensors) and retinal scanners for example? Well like everything in life there’s always room for improvement. Take the average fingerprint scanner on your laptop; while it might appear safe most manufacturers will tell you somewhere deep within the documentation that it isn’t. Microsoft’s Fingerprint Reader for Windows states, ‘The biometric (fingerprint reader) feature in this device is not a security feature and is intended to be used for convenience only.’
So how do we get past this device without hacking off the owner’s finger? There are several ways to do this. The advanced geek route uses a combination of a USB sniffer and custom message player along with a scanned copy of your own fingerprint; drop it in the unencrypted folder that contains the original unencrypted fingerprint scans and away you go. For a less tech-heavy approach try using fingerprint scans lifted from cups, keyboards or whatever you can find and then reprinting or moulding them on to ballistics gel, latex, Blu-Tack or even jelly babies. Lick your finger, apply, swipe. All have been shown to work by various hacker groups online.
But my favourite has to be a simple photocopy of someone’s fingerprint as used on a security door lock for the Discovery Channel’s Mythbusters show. As most fingerprint sensors use off-the-shelf components from a surprisingly small range of manufacturers, you can bet that a flaw you find in system X will often apply in manufacturer Y’s version too. Failing this if there’s a human interface involved (a security guard) then send in your best looking female friend with a bunch of doughnuts and feverishly fluttering eyelids for a bit of base-level social engineering, usually the most simple workround of all.
How to Get a Gun in any City in the World in the Next Few Hours
Suppose you’ve just run over your mother-in-law’s prize alpaca; it’s too far gone and you know you need to put it out of its misery and stop that all-too-human-like screaming.
What are you gonna do? Call the vet? He’ll spill the beans for sure. And then it’s a family stand-off for years to come.
Clearly the only way out is to make like Tony Soprano and do what needs to be done.
Depending on where you are in the world you might have to cut a few corners to find the necessary tools for the job. If you’re in legislation heavy UK then your first stop will of course be friends in the know, failing that the local gun club. Hang around for a couple of hours and ‘have a word’ with any likely looking characters who might be able to hook you up. Worst-case scenario head for the roughest pub you can find; you know the kind of place where you fear for your life as soon as you walk through the door. Now make like Samuel L. Jackson in a Tarantino movie: just be cool and ask around. The barman is a good place to start.
Inevitably he’ll point you in the direction of the scariest guy in the place. But hey family harmony is worth the trouble right?
In some countries it is ridiculously easy to get tooled up. The USA as you would expect gives the necessaries away free with bank accounts as Michael Moore showed in his documentary Bowling for Columbine. Most recently Max Motors in Butler, Missouri, offered a free ultra-lightweight Kel-Tec .380 handgun or gas card with each new car. Sales quadrupled with most new owners opting for cheap armament over cheap fuel.
Of course if you’re in the so-called developing world cut-price arms are everywhere. Take Cambodia aka War Disney where at the Kambol Shooting Range you can blow up a cow with a bazooka or RPG for around £200–£300.
The bulk of that price tag is the cost of the cow not the weapon. Think you might be able to do a little back-door negotiation there? It’s the kind of place where you can also throw a hand grenade into a flock of chickens – for fun. I’d say that’s a big yes and even though these practices remain illegal in Cambodia it’s the healthy stream of bloodthirsty backpackers that makes it all possible.
If the thought of minced alpaca seems a little excessive remember that wherever you are in the world all you have to do is just be cool and ask around. There’s always going to be someone who can help you with your mother in law problems. Hell if she lives in Missouri she might even lend you the freebie that came with her new SUV.
How to Disappear Without Trace
In February 1995 Richey Edwards, the guitarist and lyricist of the band the Manic Street Preachers, disappeared but not without a trace. His car had been left in a notorious suicide spot next to the Severn Bridge on the border between England and Wales. The Severn River has one of the highest tidal ranges in the world and, if he had jumped in, it’s likely that anything left after he hit the water would have been dragged out to the Irish Sea or Atlantic Ocean and never seen again.
However in the weeks before his car was found he’d been taking the maximum daily amount of cash out of his account and it was reported that he’d read books on how to disappear. Although his family declared him legally dead in 2008 the jury’s still out on this one. I researched a project on his disappearance in 1999, ever since then I always like to think that he’s reinvented himself and is living a low key but happy life somewhere sexy and sub-tropical.
There are many reasons why you might want to disappear. Some of the most common are escaping abuse, avoiding creditors or an unhappy life, to business people who fear kidnapping or celebrities who can’t stand the limelight any more. There are also more extreme cases such as that of Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic who changed his identity, occupation and appearance to escape prosecution for war crimes.
Then there’s John Darwin who famously made anyone who’d ever considered disappearing groan with disappointment when a photo of him and his wife buying a place in Panama surfaced five years after his fake death.
If you are considering your own vanishing act then there are a few basics you need to know beforehand.
You can live either off-grid or on-grid but both require you to separate everything you do in your new life from everything you did in the old. Both methods follow very similar steps; the trick is to create a firewall between you and you old life either through legal structures or new ID.
Preparation:
• Create your new life first – give yourself months rather than days.
• Tell no one of your plans.
• Use pay-as-you-go phones and international calling cards for all communications relating to your new life.
• Use internet cafés, libraries and other public computers to conduct any research.
• Use cash; don’t leave a credit card, checking or Paypal trail.
Manufacture Your New Identity
A simple legal way to create new ID without a huge paper trail is to nominate a new name through a statutory declaration with a lawyer (people who have sex changes, actors and immigrants who anglicise their names do this all the time) or through what is called ‘common usage’. For example my first name is Francis but I rarely use that for anything other than official government documents. I can legally use Frank for everything I do as long as I’m not planning to defraud anyone.
The darker path involves stealing ID from cot deaths, infants who died around the same time you were born (check obituaries then apply for their birth certificate and take it from there); buying passports from developing countries in return for investment money; or persuading someone who you know will never leave the country to allow you to use their passport to establish a parallel identity.
In Other People’s Money the inventive real-life fraudster Elliot Castro successfully hijacked or created several new identities to tap their lines of credit and siphon off funds to his own Swiss bank accounts.
Whichever route you choose once you have a new ID you need to build up a layer of believability: so a home address, bank account, medical card, social security number, passport, Blockbuster card, library card, bills and so on. You might not be able to get all of them but get as many as you can.
You can then establish an International Business Corporation (IBC) in a territory with no mutual legal assistance treaty with your home country. No shareholders or directors are listed, which means you can then use your corporate ID to run your new life.
This allows you to use:
• ‘Black’ credit cards – that list no transactions.
• Sign up for email, fax and secretarial services.
• Have a phone anywhere in the world.
• Own property.
Once you’re gone:
• Always keep a low profile.
• If you must contact family or friends use calling cards or pay-as-you-go phones in an area that doesn’t relate to you then throw them away.
• Don’t go home ever.
• Don’t use anything from your old life such as credit cards, email accounts, social networking sites or, like John Darwin, your old library.
Why is all this complexity necessary? Well because there are people out there paid to find you like American skip tracer Frank M. Ahearne. In his revealing article ‘Learning How to Disappear’ he says that for guys like him ‘it’s a game we get paid to play. We can make as many mistakes as we want; the one you make is the one that most likely leads us to you.’ So if you fake your own death there are insurance investigators to watch out for and if you run out on significant debts the creditors can be unrelenting. Kiwi Owen Bruce Taylor found this out when the police pulled him in after he had been living for four years with a new identity after running out on NZ$3 million in debts. The detective agency tracking the New Zealander found him 950 miles away from home in Queenstown. By then he was the director of a local company and well established.
However take heart: there are plenty out there who do get away with it. You generally only hear about the ones that don’t. Take Ivan Manson who disappeared successfully in 1975 and only reappeared twenty years later in Queensland, Australia, when a post-mortem revealed his true identity after a fatal car accident.
Steve O’Keefe, co-author of How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found, demonstrated how easy it is to build a new identity by making mail-order purchases in his dog’s name. He always paid cash, which means his pooch now has one of the best credit ratings in Washington State and regularly receives pre-approved credit card applications.
I still have one of my own faux identities from when I first started playing with this whole idea a few years ago. With no credit history at all and nothing more than an address I managed to convince one British credit firm to offer a Mr F. Spunkmonkey a credit card. Maybe they thought this was a quaint ethnic name.
Remember: the rules change regularly so keep your research up to date. When you are set up give me a call on a disposable phone and I’ll come and join you for a caipirinha somewhere sunny. Until then enjoy the beach.
How to Hide a Dead Body
So whaddya mean you’ve never killed anyone? What about the alpaca? You missed? You hit your mother-in-law?
Damn. Well look on the bright side. At least you won’t have to give her the gun back.
If we are going to look seriously at how to dispose of a dead body then clearly we need to start with those two infallible sources of information, the movies and the internet.
Mafia-style
Anyone who’s anyone knows that once you’ve whacked a guy you’ve got to remove the hands and face if you’re of Russian extraction or fingers and teeth if you’re Italian – that’s if you don’t want the body to be identified. You’ll also need somewhere quiet and easy to clean like a tarp or bathroom and plenty of sharp tools capable of cutting through bone. Oh, and a strong stomach. The unrecognisable body can then be dumped anywhere you like. If you’re a perfectionist then you could of course dismember it into small pieces and deposit it in bins or dog bowls around town.
If you’re in a rush then a heavy weight (think front axle) tied to the body and deep water should do the trick. If time is on your side you could drive around town with the body in an ice-cream van’s freezer to throw off the time of death on the coroner’s report – just like real-life Mafia hit man Richard ‘The Iceman’ Kuklinski. By the time the body defrosts you should have come up with a plausible alibi for the fake time of death.
Eat and Be Merry
If you’re an out of work sociopath named Hannibal then clearly you might want to provide a silver service option for you and your girlfriend. Alternatively if you’re the landowning type you could feed your victim to whatever animals you have that will then be sold on to the general public. Or if you’re really enterprising you could go the way of Sweeney Todd and his girlfriend Mrs Lovett and get a production line going. They opted for meat pies. For a modern, culturally inclusive variant how about a late night kebab shop? Think anyone would notice the man-beef difference?
The Fargo Effect
You could of course put the dearly departed limb by limb in the wood chipper or garbage masher. Once you have a suitably unrecognisable mush on your tarp – you did lay one down beforehand didn’t you? – either take it out into a forest, a lake, or the sea, and distribute as wild animal food.
Acid Bath
If these all feel a bit hands on then you can always do what deranged serial killers and Mexican drug gangs have been doing for years: simply take your cadaver and drown it in sulphuric acid. Over time the body will turn to sludge and you can dispose of it wherever you like.
Old School
If you’re not a deranged killer and simply want to dispose of a family pet in a civilised way then do what gravediggers have been doing for generations. Dig six feet down – far enough to prevent the attentions of hungry animals – lay on some lime, cover and leave. Calcium oxide (CaO), commonly know as burnt lime, lime or quicklime, is used to both disguise the smell of decomposition and increase the rate of decay. You can also use salt or natron (a natural mineral used by the Egyptians for mummification) to hide the smell as both dry out the body and reduce acidity, making it a hostile place for bacteria to live. There really is no smell that lingers quite as much as that of a dead body. That reminds me: remember to wash your hands before you eat.
Make Things Go Boom
Blowing things up is one of those simple pleasures that some of us learn as children. This either kills you, gets you in trouble or you get away with it. When these same children become adults many go on to make money doing exactly the same dangerous things only with more dramatic results.
Usually in the military, construction or as a creative in film or theatre. I’m going to focus on the last element here, the theatrical and the mostly harmless.
Remember: if you use any of these methods or techniques at home the onus is on you to take responsibility. Therefore if you blow yourself up using these instructions or by say adding twenty times the amount of accelerant specified here then that clearly is your own damned fault.
For all of these recipes I recommend that you conduct your tests outdoors away from the wind, flammable materials, other humans and animals, and with a fire extinguisher close at hand. If you doubt any of your recipes or ingredients simply abort your experiments. Burning or wounding yourself or others, or setting fire to your house, is just not worth it.
Let’s start with something simple and idiot proof.
What you’ll need:
Two litres of Diet Coke (not normal Coke).
A packet of Mentos (the mint ones not fruit-flavoured).
The Coke Geyser
Open the bottle, add one to four Mentos and stand back: the Coke should plume several feet up into the air provoking gasps of wonder and admiration from those standing around followed by shrieks as they get covered in sticky, frothy goo.
The Coke–Mentos Bomb
This is best performed in a wide-open space away from other humans or animals. Repeat as above but before the plume shoots up screw the Coke bottle lid back on. To avoid the cap flying off and hitting you in the head screw it on as tight as you can. Then with the bottle pointing away from you throw it hard at the ground and as far away from you as possible. It will explode with a bang and shoot up into the air.
Quick and Easy Smoke Bombs
Yes, yes, I know, pretty tame right? Where’s the fire and brimstone? Well we’re getting there. Remember we’re going for the theatrical and practical and the type of thing that won’t get you picked up by Homeland Security or MI5. The quickest type of smoke bomb requires the following:
One ping pong ball.
A sheet of silver foil (say 30 × 30cm for good measure).
Lighter or matches.
Place the ball in the middle of the foil and wrap it around the ball without tearing it. You need to leave a foil tail to act as a handle – if it looks like a giant silver spermatozoa you’ve got the right shape. Take it outside and light the foil near the ping pong ball (yes, foil does burn). Throw the smoke bomb away from you then stand back and watch the smoke stream away. Always remember not to breathe the smoke from any smoke bomb as this could be harmful. To make it bigger cut two to three balls into little pieces and wrap in the same manner. More fuel for the fire so to speak.
Still not big enough? Okay let’s try something a little more ambitious.
Big Smoke Bomb
If size and dramatic effect are what you are after then we’re going to have to get a little more sophisticated. This is an entry-level smoke bomb using fuel, propellant and ignition.
What you’ll need:
Saltpetre, aka potassium nitrate (KNO3 ).
Powdered sugar.
Tissue paper.
Something to lay it on outdoors (make sure it’s not windy).
Potassium nitrate is used in any number of things from sausage-making or curing meats like ham, pastrami or Irish spiced beef to its more common use as a garden fertiliser.
Since the stuff you get in garden centres is now treated to make it burn slowly you will not be able to use this. You’re better off getting it unrefined from your pharmacist or on eBay. However if you begin to order this stuff in large quantities without a valid reason you should expect your door hinges to last for a shorter time than usual. Big Brother is watching after all.
Mix three parts of the nitrate to two parts sugar, say 30 grams and 20 grams to begin with. I seriously recommend you start with small quantities at first until you understand the burn rate. Remember to do this well away from any buildings, sheds, garden furniture, washing lines or anything else which could be damaged, including you. Then layer your well-mixed powder on the tissue paper then set fire to the paper. See the flame? See the smoke? Good. Now let’s scale it up.
Add a narrow cardboard box, some sparkler powder (scratch off the outside of a sparkler) and a fuse (I’ll show you how to make one of these in a moment).
Increase the quantities by a factor of ten. Mix very well; they’re both white powders so once you think you’ve got it right do it again to make sure. Lay the mix in the narrow box. Lay a thin line of sparkler powder across the mix. Then plug a long fuse into the mix through the sparkler powder –this faster-burning material will ensure that the whole mix burns as one rather than from corner to corner.
Light the fuse and step way back. You’ll see a fair bit of flame and lots of smoke. Hopefully no one will call the fire brigade. Keep a fire blanket nearby to smother the flames should you need to.
How to Make a Simple Fuse
Get some string, dip it in white spirits and let it dry. Take care. This fuse will have a rapid burn rate. Alternatively you can make a variety of more efficient fuse wires using string, glue and potassium nitrate but for a controlled burn rate and sheer ease of use I suggest you order a big coil of the stuff from your nearest theatrical supplies shop or online.
Shape a Charge for a Better Smoke Bomb
You can make another variety of smoke bomb that allows you to mould it into shape and carry it around. For this you will need:
KNO3
Sugar.
Baking soda.
Salt.
A solid container (e.g. a hard plastic bottle) and a fuse wire.
Mix three parts KNO3 and two parts sugar in a pan on a low heat. When the sugar begins to caramelise add one tablespoon of baking soda and one teaspoon of salt. Keep stirring until the mixture has formed a brown gooey caramel.
Pour into the bottle. Make a hole in the cap and screw back on. Thread the fuse through the hole into the mix and leave to set for one hour. Wrap gaffer tape around the body of the bottle and you’re done. Light the fuse. The bomb will burn for a minute or more. Do not put it on its side as it will probably take off like a rocket with unpredictable results. So once again do this in a secure and safe environment outside and away from living creatures and flammable objects.
WARNING: whenever you’re heating up potentially flammable and combustible materials it is essential you take precautions so do wear heavy, long sleeves and protective gloves to prevent nasty burns and blisters should the mixture stick to you. A full face shield is also advisable – you really wouldn’t want this stuck to your face. Keep a ready supply of water and an extinguisher close by and if possible cook the mixture outside on a camping stove or specially prepared area. You can always join your local rocketry club for experienced guidance on preparing these kinds of charges.
Flash Bangs and Electrical Detonation
Back in the days when I worked in TV I learned to make a theatrical explosive for war scenes. You get a flash, a bang and a cloud of smoke but by using surprisingly simple ingredients and without blowing anyone up.
Ingredients:
Gunpowder mixture from a firework.
A small pot such as the base of a tea light candle (preferably made of cardboard, shrapnel is no fun).
Talcum powder.
A sheet of paper.
A 9 or 12 volt battery.
A few metres of speaker cable and a thin strand of wire wool or copper.
First cut out a circle using the tea light base as a template.
Then fill with half the firework mixture and layer double the amount of talcum powder on top. Put the circle of paper on top of that to keep the mixture dry. You’ll find it useful for transporting pre-prepared charges.
Now take your cable and cut into two equal lengths.
Make a hole in the paper, connect the wire strand to each end of the cable and place in the mix. Run the other ends off a safe distance then touch the ends to the positive and negative terminals of your battery. Boom! Perfect war zone stage explosions. You may have to experiment with quantities here: more gunpowder equals bigger bang while more talcum powder creates a bigger cloud of smoke. Play safe.
With potential for electric shock and because you’re using explosive materials it’s a technique probably best left to the professionals. Failing that your local amateur dramatics society or art college should be able to teach you how to perform this or the next recipe in a safe and productive way and without any real life drama.
Theatrical Napalm
This can be used for a variety of effects from creating thick black clouds of smoke to fire writing on concrete or wire sculptures. When I was younger this was primarily made with soap or eggs but the modern interpretation is effortlessly simple and therefore requires an extra degree of caution. Again take all necessary steps to ensure your safety and if possible guidance from a professional. Napalm is used in war to create devastation and psychological havoc; it can be anything from a thick syrup to a gel and once lit is extremely hard to remove from whatever it’s stuck to. It’s also hydrophobic – i.e. hard to put out with water. So, as I say, be careful. Original napalm is banned internationally for use against civilian targets although later variants such as the Mark 77 bomb used in the second Gulf War used a kerosene rather than petroleum base of the modified napalm-B variant that we’ll use here (minus benzene). It burns for longer and up to temperatures of 1200°C/2200°F.
You’ll need:
Petrol.
Styrofoam (the pellets you find as packing in boxes are ideal).
Metal can (it eats plastic).
Pour a little petrol into the bottom of the metal can. Add Styrofoam chunks. Make sure you do not breathe the noxious fumes as they dissolve rapidly in the petrol. When you have a sticky white residue that’s it: you’re done.
Whereas original napalm burns for around fifteen to thirty seconds the B variant can burn for ten minutes and lends itself well to fire writing. Take a stick and write your name with the napalm mixture on a non-flammable surface i.e. something that will not burn easily when subjected to heat for long periods of time, concrete for example.
Then strike a long fire-lighting match and apply.
Wow look at you burn baby, you’re on fire!
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NextChapter: Drill It ’Til You Can Kill It – How to Shoot Any Gun
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