***A/N: THIS IS LONG THIS IS SAD. 2019 WORDS AND YOU'LL WANT TISSUES.***
"Remington," My voice is just above a whisper. My hand is on his cheek and his eyes are barely open. "It's okay, baby." The tears start to cascade down my face, until I'm fully sobbing. I clench my eyes shut and barely register anything until I feel Remington's hand on my face, drying my tears as best he can with one hand.
"Nina, baby girl, please." He mutters, voice cracking. "I'm not in pain. I promise."
"I don't wanna lose you." My eyes open, and that's when I see there's tears leaving his as well. Remington's bottom lip trembles and tears paint his cheeks. His eyes hold an emotion I've never seen before.
"You have to promise me you're gonna be okay." Remmi's voice is cracking and shaking. I'm aware of his mom and his brothers behind us, but right now we might as well be the only two souls on the planet.
"Remmi, baby－" He shakes his head and leans forward to connect our lips.
October 15th. 11:32 P.M.
"Nina, I swear." His jaw clenches, but quickly releases. "Nina, just because I'm leaving this world does not mean you have to. You have a life. You're gonna have a great one. You're gonna go to film and photography school and....and you're gonna change lives of people all around the world, goddammit." Remington's sobbing now, nearly choking on the tears and lurches. We both know he doesn't have long. Tonight....is going to be his last night.
"I'm scared." He speaks after a few seconds of silence. "I don't want it to hurt, babe."
"It's not gonna hurt, Remington." My voice breaks. "You're gonna be okay. Out of pain. At peace. At ease."
"Is it a nice place?" I nod, smiling down at him.
"I like to think so." I can't stop my sobs. "I think it's a place nothing like this world. No violence. No sickness. No hurt."
"But it's a place without you....so it can't be all that great, can it?" I shake my head.
"No, baby. I'm gonna be here, but in a little bit I'm gonna come right up there with you and we can spend the rest of eternity together." Remington is the one shaking his head now.
"No. Not until it's your time." He grabs my wrist and pulls me closer to him. His breath hits my face, hot. "You cannot leave here. I know I'm leaving you, but I don't have a choice. Just.....you'll see what I mean in a bit."
"What?"
October 15th. 11:41 P.M.
"I'm tired." Remington says, tears falling harder. "And not in the physical way. Can we cuddle?" I smile down at him.
"Yes, baby. Of course." I lower myself down onto the bed and wrap my arms around him, cuddling close into his chest. Remington's arm wraps around my back, and my leg slips between his. "I love you so much." He doesn't answer, only grimaces in pain and shifts his hips.
"Port," He winces through gritted teeth. "Fuck; okay. I love you."
"I love you, too, baby. You're gonna be okay."
October 15th. 11:52 P.M.
"Am I gonna be okay?" Remington's voice breaks as he speaks. "N-Nina? Am I gonna be okay?"
"Yes, baby." The sobs return. "Yes, baby. You're gonna be okay. And eventually, I'll be up there with you. To spend the rest of eternity with you." I try not to let him see the amount of anxiety coursing through me. I want him to think I'm okay so that he stays strong. I want him to think I'm not affected by losing him. Even though I cannot stop sobbing.
His heart rate is low. It hasn't gotten above 90 all night. Right now, it's at 83. I'm worried about when the clot hits and his heart stops. Is he gonna scream in pain? Is he gonna be okay? I don't care how scarred it will leave me, I'm not leaving him. He needs me as much as I need him.
"Ah," Remington winces, grasping his chest. I flinch upward, but his pain disappears as quickly as it came. "I don't think it's gonna be much longer, baby. I'm so sorry."
"You go when you need to, Remington. Things are gonna be okay." He nods, pulling me closer. "Just wait it out, baby. Things are gonna be okay. I swear."
"I love you so much."
"I love you, too."
We don't speak. We sit in comfortable silence, cuddling and exchanging body heat. If I'm not playing with his fingers, the hands I love so much are running through my hair. My hair is down, just how he likes it, natural. I'd perfer it tied up in a messy bun or in two braids, but it's Remington. I'll do anything for him.
"I really like your hands. They're so smallll and cuteeee." A blush creeps up my boyfriend's cheeks. "But I love everything about you." Remington smiles, crinkling his nose to move his nasal cannula back into position before leaning down and kissing me. It's full of passion and pure love. It's exactly what I need to keep me grounded right now.
I have no idea how I'm going to survive without those lips. His hands, too. His touch. His voice. The sound of my name on his lips. I dunno how I'm gonna make it without his encouragements, his guides to get me through the day. But I'm going to. For my angel. My Remington.
October 16th. 12:08 A.M.
"Nina, c-call a nurse." Remington's good and able hand flies up to hold his nasal cannula closer against his nose. "Can't.....can't." The words don't come out, but I know what he's trying to say. He's struggling to breathe. I feel my heart wretch as I press the nurse call button. I feel Sebastian and Mrs. Kropp's eyes on me as the nurse speaks.
"What can I help you with, Mister?"
"My boyfriend needs a better oxygen system. He can't breathe."
"We'll get a nurse in there." I nod even though they can't see, and help Remington sit up and get comfortable. That's what Dr. Stein reiterated to me again and again and again. Make him comfortable, make him feel loved.
A nurse comes in and fits Remington to an oxygen mask. She pulls everyone else to the hall to talk with Dr. Stein, but I stay with Remington. Every second with him is one second closer to the last second with him.
When Sebastian comes back, I raise an eyebrow at him. He smiles. "Nothing important, don't worry." I lay my head back on Remington's chest and listen to the lull of his slow heartbeat. It's a 74 when I look at the monitor. Not long, not long.
"I wish I could have at least produced those albums I have sitting on cassettes in my basement. Changed somebody's life, you know?"
"You changed my life." My voice is broken and devoid of happiness. It's a depressing day. My boyfriend is dying. The love of my life. "You changed my life Remington. For the better. I see the world in a different light now. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you. I love you."
"I love you, too, baby." Remington takes a deep breath and places his hands on my shoulders. "Promise me you'll be okay, Nina."
October 16th. 12:34 A.M.
"I promise." He shuts his eyes and takes another deep breath, puffing up the oxygen mask. He lifts it up over his nose, and pulls me in for a long, deep, passionate kiss. When he can't breathe, he eases me off of him and brings the mask back down. I smile at him. The love of my life. I've been so lucky to know him.
"I love you, Nina."
I would respond, but his heart rate jumps and drops too quickly. His body lurches with both, and when he's back flat on the bed he's unconscious. "He's going! Get a doctor!" I slam the nurse button and scream simultaneously, listening as a pair of feet run from the room. He doesn't move. His heart rate declines rapidly. At some point I ended up on the floor, which is where I sit now; panting, sobbing, screaming, shaking. The pain is almost unbearable. It rips through my chest and Sebastian has to grab me when the dreaded sound echos off the hospital walls.
Flatline.
The band on Remington's wrist explicitly states not to try and save him. It's finished. I've never felt a hurt like this. My heart is completely shattered, ripped out, stepped on, thrown away, ground up. I'll never be able to fix this. My knees cave, and Sebastian is the only thing holding me up. There's alot of screaming. The majority are from me, but Mrs. Kropp and Shy are howling in pain as well. My mom's in the waiting room. She has to know. She has to.
I want to turn and look. I want to say goodbye. I want to see him again. Please. Please bring him back. Bring him back! I want to hug him I want to kiss him I want to marry him I want to have kids with him I want him to have more time than he was given. I want to be able to go to the waterfront and to take pictures of his cute face. Now the pictures I have of him I'm gonna be posted in a funeral collage. All those happy days by the water and the theater productions we still had to star in are now just distant memories, things that should have happened.
They cover Remington, the love of my goddamn life, in a white sheet before wheeling him slowly out the door. I Will Remember You by Sarah McLaughlin plays through the halls, signaling a death. My mind floats back to just a few days ago when he held me close, played with my hair and sang this to me, right in the comfort of this hospital. I sobbed against him. I knew he didn't have long. He knew he didn't have long. I just wish he would have had longer.
My angel, if you can somehow hear my thoughts right now, know I cherished every second with you. Every memory we made was so, so valuable to me. I loved everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes crinkled when you smiled so big. When you rolled your eyes fondly and glared at me when I made a bad joke. The way you'd kick your legs out and grab your stomach when you laughed really hard. How you'd double over laughing when somebody joked about Rosedale and it's students and staff. The way your laugh could light up the entire world. How you'd look at me like I was your entire world; and how you were...are...mine. When you'd take me out and we'd ditch whatever fancy reservations we had for the woods. I'm in love with every aspect of you. I still am. I'm never going to stop loving you.
I know how to love only you.
I hope you're at ease. I hope you're comfortable. I hope I didn't lie to you; and that wherever you are among the stars isn't scary. I hope it didn't hurt. I hope you're looking down at me right now and knowing "That's the girl I loved with all my heart,". I will be there soon. I love you with all my heart, Remington. And as far as your cassettes? I'll send emails out in the morning.
Lie with the angels. Dance with the stars. Sing from the heavens. Let me hear you. Watch over. Keep me safe. I love you. I'm never going to stop loving you. From April to now have been the best times of my life. Just because of you. You were my ray of sunshine. The beam of light in my world of darkness. You're my savior. My world. And I can only hope that you're safe, okay, comfortable. I will remember you. For all of eternity you will be in my thoughts, Remington.
Time of Death: October 16th. 12:39 A.M.
***A/N: THIS BOOK IS N O T O V E R THERE IS STILL ALOT IN STORE FOR Y'ALL AND I CRIED WRITING THIS I AM SO SORRY***