Even though I’d resolved not to go after Sonny anymore, my relationship with Leanne meaning too much, I still couldn’t help wanting him. The good sister part of me had shoved my feelings for him to my toes, but another part, my heart maybe, kept reminding my brain of all the reasons why I liked him. His laugh. His smile. His eyes. His swagger.
His voice travelled up to my room as he stepped into the hallway downstairs, dancing in my ears and making my pulse race. My mind reminded me of the kiss we’d shared at The Rooster and doubts raised in my thoughts. What was I supposed to do if he liked me instead of Leanne? Was I really just going to let him go?
A text sounded from my phone and I picked it up from beside me on the bed. It was from Cassie, asking me if I wanted her to come over. My spine tingled. It was like she could feel my resistance fading. If she were here, there would be no way she’d let me go downstairs. It would hurt too much to see Leanne flirting with Sonny. I hadn’t really noticed her doing it before but, on the bus ride home from Retro Shack yesterday, Cassie had told me that she’d had a feeling that Leanne liked Sonny. I’d felt angry at first, huffing that she could have told me that to begin with. It would have prevented me feeling and looking stupid. Now though, I knew it wasn’t Cassie’s fault. I stared at the screen for a moment before I text her back, telling her she shouldn’t come over. She was back under house arrest anyway. Her reply, quick as lightning, made me laugh; ‘I could always use the drainpipe.’ I couldn’t help laughing, even in my depressive mood, at the image of Cassie shimmying down a drainpipe. I replied with a simple; that only works in films.
I let her plan out her escape route in the next three texts, before I assured her I’d be fine. She told me she was there if I needed her and I felt myself smile at how great she was. If you scratched away at the surface, past the make-up and stubbornness, she was a really loyal friend. I dropped my phone onto the bed and set about trying to finish the book I’d been reading for the last few weeks. It was about knights and dragons and all things magical. To be honest, it wasn’t my idea of a good book. I much preferred fluffy romances where the guy saved the day, but Leanne had bought it for me for Christmas last year, so I saw it as my duty to read it. Not that she’d ever ask me if I had.
I was nearing the last couple of chapters, at the point where good was readying to fight evil, when I heard the sounds of someone at the bottom of the stairs. I couldn’t make out the voice over the sounds of the rock song blaring out of the lounge speakers but I could hear footsteps on the stairs. I set my book down beside me, listening out for who the footsteps belonged to. I didn’t want it to be Leanne. I’d been avoiding her since yesterday, only keeping up polite conversations so she didn’t realise anything was wrong.
Part of me wanted it to be Aiden. I hadn’t spoken to him since Friday and somehow I really wanted to tell him what Leanne had told me. He’d know what to do, or at least that was what I kept telling myself. It would only be when he told me I was doing the right thing by Leanne that reality would really hit. I squirmed on my bed as the squeaky floorboard outside my door sounded. Anxiety flooded through me and I shut my eyes, trying to imagine telling Aiden my nightmare.
The knock on my bedroom door was so quiet that I almost didn’t hear it over the sound of blood rushing in my ears. I definitely heard it the second time though, followed by the voice that made my heart swoon.
“Harriet? You in there?”
My eyes sprang open at the sound of Sonny’s voice. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t talk to him. Not now I knew there was no way I could continue with my plans to try and get him to like me. But what if it was too late? What if he’d come up to tell me that he liked me like I liked him? My heart thudded hard against my ribs. My mouth opened wordlessly in time with the third knock. I couldn’t talk to him. Not without crying from pent up emotion. Instead I held my breath and searched the room for a place to hide in case he dared open the door. I wouldn’t fit under my bed and my wardrobe was too full of books to squeeze inside, as was the underneath of my desk. Slowly and with painstaking concentration, I slid under the duvet. I was going to have to pretend to be asleep.
It was only when I was breathing hard into my pillow that I realised how stupid my plan was. Everyone who knew me knew that I wasn’t the type of person to waste time in bed, even on a Sunday. I’d been up since seven this morning. I couldn’t sleep with Leanne and Sonny on my mind. It had been like trying to sleep through a rock concert. Impossible if you didn’t have ear plugs or, in my case, a plausible way to make everything end up okay.
There hadn’t been a knock for a while but the floorboard sounded, making me jump out of my skin, alerting me to the fact that someone was still there. I kept imagining the door handle lowering and Sonny’s face staring into the room. If he saw me under the covers, he was sure to ask what was wrong and I couldn’t have him thinking anything was the matter, even though there was something keeping me from acting like everything was okay. Everything wasn’t okay. I dug my nails into my legs and decided to wait him out.
It was half an hour before I decided it was safe to peek out from under the covers. My arms and legs were stiff from where I’d been lying tense, not wanting to give away my position. It wasn’t like Sonny had actually bothered to check on me after getting no response, but my resolve to keep from talking to him had won over all common sense. My feet hit the floor tentatively and, when I was sure that my footsteps weren’t going to alert anyone to my whereabouts, I tip-toed across my room. I grabbed my gym bag with eager hands and peered inside, glad that I was sensible enough to re-pack clean clothes and towels after I got home from each dance class, but suddenly wary that the gig might have made me forget. My eyes landed on fresh towels and I breathed out a sigh of relief. Fabric softener clung to my nose as I zipped the bag shut and reached for my hoody. I slipped it over my head expertly, having had the last three years to perfect the action without messing up my hair too much, and slung the bag over my shoulder. Standing up straight, I headed for the door.
My heart was in my mouth as I descended the stairs two at time, trying to be as stealth as I could, but also trying to hurry. The quicker I was, the sooner I could be out of the house and away from Leanne and Sonny. I just wished there was a way that I could drag Aiden along with me, but I didn’t want the others asking questions and I didn’t want to ruin his afternoon bonding with the band either. It sounded like they were having a blast on the other side of the lounge door as I slipped on my battered Converse and shrugged my bag further onto my shoulder. I paused for a second, wondering if I was being too melodramatic, running away from my problems. I held my breath as I tried to shake the worries from my head, pressing down on the handle of the front door. Not so much as a tiny squeak sounded as I slipped from the hallway and shut the door behind me. It closed with a snick sound and I hurried across the garden, pausing when I got to where Aiden’s bike was propped up against the wheelie bin.
I bit my lip, knowing I probably shouldn’t do what I was about to do, but it was too late. My hands were already gripping the handle bars. Glancing behind me in case someone was watching from the lounge window, I jumped onto the bike with as much grace as an elephant, before pedaling in the direction of the community centre as quickly as I could. I’d have to text Aiden later, telling him where his bike had gone. The way I saw it, if he couldn’t actually help me in person, this was the next best thing.
I was sweating buckets by the time I reached the haven of the community centre. It was muggy out, making my hair frizz and my t-shirt cling to my arms beneath my hoody. My bag had hit my knees every time I’d drove the bike onwards and my legs were aching from pedaling up the biggest hill in town, but at least I was free. I wheeled the bike behind the generator at the back of the building afraid that, without a lock, it would go missing. I’d hid from my swimming teacher with Leanne here when Mum had been trying to encourage us to be the next big sports stars back when I was seven. It hadn’t lasted long, with Leanne deciding to learn the guitar instead and me much preferring dance. The thought of dancing sent an excited chill up my spin and I almost ran back to the main doors. Once I was inside the foyer, I made my way over to where Mrs. Abington was sitting behind the front desk, reading a dog eared copy of some book. She offered me a bright smile when she saw me, laying her book down on the counter.
“Why, Harriet. I didn’t think I’d be seeing you until Wednesday.” Her wiry eyebrows were up in delight and her thin lips were stretched thinner with the smile.
“I’ve got a contest coming up, so I thought I’d better put in some extra practise.” It was only a half lie, I reasoned as Mrs. Abington nodded gleefully.
“Yes, Madeline said something about that. She seems very excited for you. I remember back when she first started teaching you.” She sighed out wistfully, like her mind was flooding with old memories. “I mean, I remember when I taught Madeline here. Of course, that was only for fun. I didn’t know she’d get as far as she has.”
I smiled encouragingly. “Is there any way I can get a room to myself today?”
Mrs. Abington scrolled through the open diary next to a half-eaten bag of sweets. “Uh, that shouldn’t be a problem. Room three is free for the next couple of hours. You take as long as you like.”
“Thank you,” I said, hitching my bag up onto my shoulder and taking the key from her. “I’ll only be an hour or so.”
She smiled again and I saw her sneak a sweet into her mouth just before she disappeared back behind her book.
The further I got down the corridor, the more relaxed I became. I still felt a little silly having ran, or pedaled, away from Leanne and Sonny, but knowing that I had a reason to be here made me feel slightly better. If I could practise my routine for the competition and spend time not thinking about what seemed to be on my mind non-stop, then this seemed like the best thing to do. Productive and convenient. I dropped my bag, slipped on my dancing shoes and put on the CD that Aiden had given me on Friday. It was a copy of the CD we’d used last Wednesday. I skipped straight to track six, the one that held the best memories, before I let everything go. The pent up emotion. The knot in my stomach. The worry. The heartache. Everything.
***
I hadn’t danced like that in a while. It had felt like I’d gone deeper into my dance induced coma, as Maddi liked to call it. So deep in fact, that I’d forgotten where I was when I’d snapped out of my trance to the sound of silence. I’d danced my way through all of the CD, besides the first five tracks. Something about that accomplishment made me smile, until I realised it was probably later that I thought it was. I had three texts on my phone when I checked it for the time. Leanne wanted to know when I’d disappeared. Cassie wanted to know whether I’d survived the afternoon and Aiden was asking when I’d be returning his bike; Not that he wanted it for any reason, just that he’d seen me take it from his place next to the living room window. I felt my cheeks colour at the thought of my escape being not so secret. I replied with a quick, lunch time, Yes, and Sorry, give me an hour.
Luckily Aiden’s bike was still stashed behind the generator when I made my way outside twenty minutes later. I’d had the time for one last dance and I’d grasped it with both hands. The chance to forget everything for another couple of minutes was too precious to wave away. Now, cycling leisurely back home, track six kept circling my head. Something about it, though it was really different to a song I’d usually pick to dance to, struck a chord with me. I didn’t know if it was Aiden’s input, or just the fact that it suited the new me that I’d fashioned myself to be over the last couple of months, but I knew it was the right song. It made me feel good when I heard it. It made me toes twitch and my fingers flex more than usual. I was glad of its presence in my head. It helped push everything else away.
I left Aiden’s bike propped up against his back gate before I jogged the rest of the way home. The smell of cooking hit me as I kicked off my shoes in the hall and shut out the muggy evening air. I needed a shower but the thought of food propelled me into the kitchen. Only when I spotted Sonny sitting at the breakfast bar, chatting to my mum, I wished I’d headed straight upstairs instead.
“Oh hey, Hun,” Mum said, regarding me with a smile as I dropped my gym bag next to the radiator and headed over to the fridge. If I stuck my head in far enough, Sonny probably wouldn’t be able to see my blushing cheeks. “I didn’t know you had practise today.”
I caught Sonny looking at me and I offered them both a shrug, ignoring the knot in my stomach and hoping that would do as an answer. Mum being Mum, however, didn’t spot my unwillingness to talk.
“So, did it go well? You certainly look like you worked up a sweat.”
The image of my red face and frizzy hair made me shudder and I leaned further into the fridge, hoping the cool air would chill my skin and hide my face.
“Did you have fun?”
I gave another shrug, pretending to be looking for something to eat. I could see lasagna cooking in the oven and my stomach rumbled.
“Harriet, don’t be so rude. We have a guest.” Her tone was sharp now, annoyed that I was showing her up. The knot in my stomach tightened at the thought of Sonny watching me acting like a child. It wasn’t my fault; if he would just stop looking at me like the kiss had never happened, then I’d be fine. He wasn’t blushing or fidgeting like me. He was just sitting there, a smile on his face, looking as cool as ever. It suddenly annoyed me how calm he was being when my insides were rushing around my body. How could he just sit there?
“Harriet. Shut the fridge. You’re letting all of the cold air out.” Mum’s smile was now a pout and I closed the fridge door with unnecessary force. The plate of quiche inside rattled against the jars of jam. “Now, I said did you have fun?”
I had to try really hard not to slam my hands onto my hips like Cassie would in this situation. “Yes thank you. I had a great time.”
Mum’s pout only loosened slightly at my sarky answer. “That’s good then.”
“Yes,” I replied, my eyes anywhere but Sonny’s face. I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed. I mean, this was the first time that I’d seen him since the kiss had happened. I was nervous, hence the knot in my stomach, and I was confused about how I was supposed to be acting. If I didn’t know about Leanne liking him, then I knew I’d be flirting with him, even with Mum in the room with us. But now, knowing that Leanne liked him too, I wasn’t sure whether I could be the me that I’d been being around him lately. Was I just supposed to go back to being Leanne Collins’ shy little sister?
To make things worse, he was acting like nothing was wrong. I didn’t know what would be worse. If he couldn’t remember the kiss, due to alcohol, or if he was choosing to pretend that it hadn’t happened. It hurt to think that I’d made such a little impression on him that he was ignoring what I’d thought we’d had. My head was a mess, filling up with thoughts think and fast. I mean, I could just about put up with him liking Leanne more than me, because I knew Leanne liked him too and there was no way that I was going to hurt Leanne’s feelings by making another move on Sonny. But the fact that he didn’t even want to seem to acknowledge the kiss felt like a knife in the heart. It was melodramatic, the theme of today, but it was true.
The anger started again then, washing away any embarrassment that I’d been feeling. I let go of the breath I’d been holding and looked him straight in his eyes. The coffee colour absorbed me for a moment, letting me wonder in their greatness, until I heard his voice.
“Have you finished your routine then?”
Mum had her back to us, her head in the oven as she checked on tea. I bit my lip and forced myself to stay calm. “Yeah. I think so,” I replied, aiming a smile in his direction. I was looking over his shoulder now, trying not to let his eyes win me over, but I saw him smile back at me. Only his smile wasn’t as loaded with unsaid words as mine was.
In that moment, I wanted to talk about the kiss, just to see what his reaction would be. Would he feign any knowledge of it, or would he surprise me and be able to recount every little detail as well as I could? I hoped the latter, for my sake over Leanne’s, but it still wouldn’t fill the void that was starting to appear in my gut. Knowing that I would never get to hold the hands that he had clasped on the table. Kiss the lips that he’d pushed into a smile for me. Stare into his eyes properly without having to look away, feeling guilty. That’s what was causing the nauseous sensation deep inside me. It was like someone had stuck my stomach on spin mode.
Leanne chose that moment to appear, dressed in a black mini-skirt and a bright red polo neck. I thought I saw Sonny’s eyes brighten as she sat down beside him but it could have just been my mind deciding to prolong the agony I was feeling. You’re being the best sister ever. Even that thought couldn’t keep me from picking up my bag and excusing myself from the room. It felt like my life had suddenly turned into an episode in some sort of overdramatic soap opera. Only thing was, this was reality.