IT IS SIMPLY HARD TO EXIST IN TODAY'S WORLD. Marami akong nakikitang kapintasan sa salamin. Kulot na buhok, makapal na kilay, pangong ilong, mga tigyawat. Maitim na kutis.
I don't fit the beauty standards. Wala rin ako ng yaman ng mundo. Pero kahit na gan'un, despite how plain I am—I am thriving. Lumalaban ako kagaya ng karamihan. Dahil ako naman din ay ipinaglaban ng Diyos. Tayong lahat.
Alam kong marami sa 'tin ang malungkot, nahihirapan, at nagkakasala. Pero tumatawa, lumalaban at nagpapatawad pa rin. For I know my life, like yours, is a blessing. Masasabi kong overlooked blessing na nga, dahil minsan paulit-ulit na lang ang buhay na nakakalimot na rin akong magpasalamat na buhay pa nga pala ako.
Minsan nga lang buhay akong naiinggit, nagse-self pity, at nakakaramdam ng poot.
Recently, I was all that, when I encountered this person in a book.
"Maladaptive daydreaming na naman." Tinitigan ko si Santisima, ang nag-iisa kong kapatid.
"Patapos na."
"Basta ate, tara na. May tryout kami ngayon."
Ang tinutukoy n'ya ay ang kan'yang athletics scholarship. She has it, while I have the academic. Hindi lang 'yon meron ang kapatid ko. She has nice curves, a pointy nose, fair skin, expressive eyes, and long straight black hair. Everything that she is and will be, I am not and will never be.
Kay Papa s'ya nagmana; ako naman kay mama. And here you would think, life's unfair and you're probably right. Pero kung hindi mo kayang tanggapin ang katotohanan, siguradong magiging miserable ka.
I have learned the rules of this world and so, I tried to play by the rules. Kung hindi ka maganda, dapat may talento ka. Kung hindi ka mayaman, dapat masipag ka at may alam. Kung hindi na umaayon sa 'yo ang mundo, magdasal ka.
So I always do that, pero may ibang plano ang Diyos. Never have I imagined to be involved in a tale of love except from those books I read. Sino ba naman kasing magkukursunada sa akin?
Pero dahil sa isang libro, sa pahina dalawampu (20), hindi lang yata ako naging extra, mukhang bumida pa ang lola mo.
Of all people, ako pa talaga ang nakabasa sa reklamo n'ya dahil kesyo walang consistency ang characters and plot ng librong hindi naman s'ya inutusang basahin.
Hindi ko inakalang ang sagot ko sa isinulat n'ya ang magsisimula ng lahat. And I would have never imagined that vandalizing a book would create a story that is uniquely 'ours'.
Sa bawat araw na nagsusulat ako sa libro, feeling ko, for the longest time, ako na sa wakas ang bida. I know it started with him, liking other girls. Pero wala eh, hinila kami patungo sa isa't isa. Feeling main character, yarn?
"Ba't parang ang saya-saya mo?" Santi eyed me with disgust. Ito talagang kaptid ko; Sa isip ko, Wala man ako ng lahat ng meron s'ya. Meron na rin ako ng wala s'ya. Kilig.
Umiling-iling lamang ako with a lopsided smile. Then, I remembered the last message I wrote in that book.
Did I mean it? Of course. What does it really mean? That, I am unsure of. Magkakajowa na ba ako? Talaga, Lord?
Kung p'wede ko lang sabihin kay Santisima na mukhang may nagkakagusto na sa akin. Pero alam kong hindi rin s'ya maiinggit. The bummer that she is at sa katawan n'yang walang kilig!
Pero 'di ba, who would have thought? Feelings? Sa isang lalaki pa na hindi ko abot.
Nakakabasag trip 'yon. The possibilities scare me. I know we accept the love we think we deserve and that is why I'm still second-guessing. Dahil p'ano ba biglang naging teleserye ang buhay ko? Even in those soap operas, society is cruel to us—sa amin na walang pretty privilege, money, and fame.
Then, how can such a lowly servant of the Lord make it? Hehe, he said, "Do not fear for I am with you."
"Yes, Lord!"
Parehong napatingin si Santi at ang drayber ng sinasakyan naming tricycle.
"Built-in na po 'yan," tugon ni Santi sa drayber sabay himas sa likod ko na parang debaterya akong chaka doll.
Pabiro ko s'yang sinapak. But she has a heartwarming smile; she's also a Christian, saved by the blood of Christ, and she's not unfamiliar with my quirks. Minsan lang talaga napapasobra sa pag-iisip si ako, at talaga namang kailangan ko rin 'yong i-correct.
"'Di ba ikaw 'yong kumalat sa FB?"
Pareho kaming natahimik. Oh, I almost forgot it happened. Nangyari pala talaga.
Kasi ganito 'yan, natulog lang talaga ako, pero may kumuha ng video sa tulo-laway kong pagmumukha. And after it got uploaded, I lost one of the people I had trusted the most. Siguro, part of it was my denial that she had truly been a friend. In my desperation to have one, I became an awful judge of character. Mismong best friend ko ang nagpahiya sa akin sa lahat, just because he liked the guy I introduced to her. Na-threatened na baka agawin ko sa kan'ya ang lalaking ako mismo ang nagpakilala sa kan'ya.
It truly didn't make sense, but hurt people, also hurt people. She has her traumas and fears, but I don't deserve to be the receiver of that.
Bumuntong-hininga ako. "Ganda ko pa rin po 'no? Kahit tulo-laway?"
"Panagutin mo dapat ang nagkalat n'un."
"Let God do the rest nalang po, Kuya." Matalim ang titg ni Santi na alam kong may hindi magandang sasabihin. "H'wag ka nang sumabat."
"Ba't 'di mo 'ko hayaang kalbuhin ang babaeng 'yon?"
"Barbero ka?"
"Gawin kong mullet buhok n'on."
"Ssh. Daming pa pong sinasabi; magbayad ka na, andito na tayo." Nauna na akong bumaba ng tricycle sa tapat nang matayog na gate ng Clark Lambert University.
It is by the glory of God that even if we are at the bottom of the food chain that He has let us enroll in one of the top institutions of the country. Praise, mercy, and glory truly belongs to Him.
Ako lang sa buong klase namin noon ang nakapasok dito and Santi really worked her way through the National Volleyball Team to be able to get the scholarship in CLHS. We prayed and fasted for all of these, and boy, was it worth it!
Kaya lang, totoo nga na be careful what you prayed for dahil hindi madaling maging mag-aaral dito kung hindi ka mayaman.
Although, I have my tuition and miscellaneous all paid. The environment is not giving! Ang ibig ko pong sabihin, I truly don't belong here.
I remembered my first year in the university where I begged God to let me thrive with those thorny juliet roses, bright orchids, and beautiful lily of the valleys.
Dahil kung mga bulaklak sila, isa lang naman po akong damo. But mind you, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I made it through my final year as a bermuda grass. Haha! Who says I can't be ornamental? Oo damo po ako, pero damong pinapatubo sa bakuran n'yo.
Praise God, I thrive! We thrive, even in places we can't imagine, so long as we water ourselves and people around us with love, faith, and obedience.
Dahil hindi naman lahat sila dito ay mga tipikal na mayayaman. Marami ang mabubuti ang loob at handang tumulong. Pero 'yon na nga, marami rin ang mapagmataas at walang pakialam.
"I don't care about you and your lowly friends! 'Di ba naman, I told you from the start that this isn't gonna work!"
At mapanakit.
"Ano ba'ng nangyari Kyle? Ba't ka sumisigaw?" Nadatnan kong umiiyak si Dannah, a junior of mine. Junior ko silang lahat sa class na 'to. I have this one minor last semester na hindi ko in-enroll because I have to do part-time. They somehow respect me here, or that's how I thought before my viral video.
"You shut up drool queen!" Aba! Hindi ako nakasagot.
A crisp slap was heard. Dannah filled with anger and tears pushed Kyle. Nakialam na ang lahat.
"Get the hell out dude!" Jiro spits, one of Dannah's friends. It escalates to them fighting. May mga suntok nang binabato sa isa't isa. Nasa tabi ako ni Dannah habang humahagulgol s'yang nagso-sorry sa akin. Natumba si Kyle sa ilalim ni Jiro and before I knew it, the professor came and sought the help of the guidance counselor. He arrived later after 30 minutes to start the class.
The class ended quietly. Nakaupo akong mag-isa sa cafeteria. Liban sa ex best friend ko, madalas wala talaga akong kasama. Mamayang 11:00 AM pa ang sunod kong klase. Hindi ako nagtanong sa nangyari, pero may ideya ako. Dannah and Kyle are together, at least before the incident. Ang alam ko lang sa mag-jowa ay si Dannah ang nanligaw. Dannah is a nice sweet girl, but she can be an I-get-what-I-want type sometimes.
I guess I don't oppose the idea of courting a guy. Kung interesado ka nga naman sa tao, pwede mo namang sabihin. Siguro lang not to a point where you cross your own boundaries, just to please them. You can never force someone to love you. At kahit makuha mo man ang pag-ibig na 'yon, siguradong panandalian lang.
Nagsalita na po ang walang karanasan. Ang sabi nga, kung sino pa ang walang lovelife... teka, wala nga ba? And my mind goes back to that fateful confession.
Do I have the luxury to be in a relationship? God, deserve ko po ba 'yon, sya?
Here, on this table, as I lift my head in the midst of the crowd, our eyes connect with the summoning of something ethereal before it turns into panic.
Sure. 100%. S'ya 'yon! Nandito s'ya!
Parang mabibingi ako; my ears hear noises of my raging breath. Habang nagmamadaling nililigpit ko ang mga libro, nasa isip ko kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng panahong p'wede n'ya akong makita, ngayon pa na tuluyan ko nang inilatag ang lahat sa librong 'yon
Hindi n'ya 'ko nakilala, siguro naman. Itago mo 'ko Lord!
Dahil totoong hindi lahat ibinibigay ng Panginoon kung kailan mo gusto, dinig ko pa lang ng mga katagang "Dora!", alam kong huli na.
Nooo pa rin, not for me! Hindi ako magpapahuli. Mabilis akong naglakad palabas at binangga lahat ng madadaanan. Sorry, sa muntik nang mahulog na juice. Alam kong hindi maliwanag ang buwan, pero ngayon na ang oras ng tagu-taguan. Kailangan kong magmadali upang pigilan ang pagkakataon. I'm no Disney Princess, but I am an explorer who needs to escape.
So, I did. Hinihingal akong napasapo sa dibdib ko habang nasa likod ng chapel. "Grabe ang mga pagsubok mo Lord!"
"You...!"
I was stoned right there and then. The personification of the character I have just read in that book is in front of me-out of breath with an out-of-this-world smile. "You tried to run pa. S'an ang punta?" he had the manliest giggle.
"Hindi po dapat hinahabol ang nagtatago," I speak still, hinihingal. He has that boyish grin again. Glory be to Him who blessed this man with those perfectly white set of teeth.
"Hindi dapat magtago si Dora kay Boots," dagdag n'ya.
"Swiper no swiping!" I gestured.
"Boots. I'm Boots," paglilinaw ng loko. "Nice to finally meet you Ada." I look at those clean big white hands he offers. Do I have the permission to touch this gorgeous creation, Lord?
"Glenda Adoracion Santiago," I did with all the audacity brought upon by my ancient name.
"Zef Harril Andrada," he squeezes it gently. "I am thrilled to be having an adventure with you. Didn't know it'll be a marathon." he said smiling, left hand on his chest.
"No to straight English." I pointed my nose. "I am but a peasant of an explorer, blinded by your light," nagkunwari akong nasisilaw. Tinawanan n'ya ako.
"I have fun running after you, pero upo muna tayo d'un."
He points at the chairs inside our mini chapel. I hesitantly follow him. Naupo kami doon nang hindi n'ya pinuputol ang usapan.
"Very shocked when I saw you."
"Grabe ka sa paputok kong tigyawat."
"No, no!" he laughs. "Sabi ko hindi ako p'wedeng magkamali, it was really you."
"Walang ibang may ganitong ganda d'on."
He nods playfully. "Tinawag pa kita, pero tinakbuhan mo pa rin ako."
"Sus, kung alam ko lang na iba-bash mo 'ko sa harap ni Lord."
"Narinig ko sabi mo pagsubok ako."
"Hindi ba, Zef? Hingal na hingal ako oh."
"Pero hindi 'yan ang sinulat mo d'on eh."
I stop. Now, ito ang totoong pagsubok-ang harapin ang kinahinatnan ng mga desisyong ginawa namin sa libro. We have been coating this whole conversation with comedic relief; as funny as I am, the reality is equally harshed. There's no other way, but to confront it.
"Disappointed ka ba?" Diretso kong tanong sa kan'ya.
He shake his head. I am shocked. Parang siguradong-sigurado s'ya. "Why would I be?"
"Binulag ka nang takbuhan natin?" I wave my hand before his face. "Ako to oh. 'Eto lang po ako. 'Yan ka. I am very okay, Zef to just be a friend "
"Pero hindi 'yan ang sabi mo sa libro. Quote on quote, 'I'm ready to be scared with you. P'wede ka bang mahalin...'"
"Sssh. Shh. Shh." Pinahinto ko sya with all my stress hormones raging. "Ibig-sabihin, na ano ba? Na y-you would date me?"
A nod, "Isn't that the reason why we're here, Dora?"
I gape. Sinara ko naman agad ang bibig ko. "Teka lang." I close my eyes and pray, Lord, guide me.
"Choose him. Choose Zef," Zef, himself whispers and I jerk. He laughs like a kid.
I take a deep breath dahil kinakabahan ako. "So, you're going to pursue this?" tanong ko ulit.
"I'm going to pursue you."
"Joke time ka, Zef."
"No one's joking. How will you know, if you don't try?" he calmly asks.
"Oo alam ko, pero..."
"Right? We know. We'll try?"
"Pagsisisihan ko ba 'to, in one month?"
Tumawa ulit s'ya. "Are you scheduling the breakup already? Grabe naman."
"Ang advance 'no?"
"That won't happen, if this works, right?"
Will this work? Lord, will this work?
"All in the hands of the Almighty," I declared.
"If He wills it and if we pray for it."
Tinitigan ko s'ya na nakatingin sa altar. Alam mo ba 'yong tingin na parang tinatanong mo sa Itaas kong s'ya na ba? And for a while, gustong-gusto ko. May mga emosyong hindi pamilyar. Ang tunog ng puso ko na binubuo ang imahe ng tagpong 'yon-ang simula ng kuwento na bubuo o babasag sa aming dalawa. At alam kong wala sa amin ang totoong handa.
End of Chapter
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Scribe's note:
Praise God, I'm back! After almost a year. 🙏 This story has a special place in my heart. Kailangan ko ulit tapusin ang kwentong ito. And now that I have set my goals aligned with You. Help me through it all.