When the professionals say the baby blues go away in roughly two weeks, it's no spurious fact. Andrew still passed through my mind from time to time, that's a given though since I'm raising his daughter and I was in love with him for five years. However, it's different now.
When he does pass my mind, all I can think about is how he broke my heart and Hope's before her's was even fully developed.
Hope is my main priority in life now. I love her with everything in me. Any minute I'm not near her is a minute I'm probably not enjoying myself. She is my everything.
At first, I feared that Hope didn't love me like a baby should love her mother, because of situations where she wouldn't stop crying when I held her, but I don't think like that anymore. I know she loves me, just as much as I love her.
In fact, she almost sleeps through the night. At only six weeks old, she is only waking up every three hours in a night on average. It's a blessing, really. I feel like we are both getting an adequate amount of sleep at this point.
I sat down on the couch in Mrs. Isabella's house with Hope laying on the couch next to me, pillows surrounding her so she wouldn't roll off. She was looking around curiously and being very well behaved.
"I'm so glad you two came over," Mrs. Isabella grinned widely as she joined us on the couch. The TV was playing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Disney Junior on Hope's behalf. I'm aware she hardly understands her surroundings at six weeks, but I don't want her to pick up anything that might cause nightmares or bad language.
"Yeah, I thought I'd give Brennan a break from babysitting his sister and niece."
Mrs. Isabella frowned at me. "Helaina, you and I both know that's not what he's doing and that's not what he views it as. He is there to help you."
"I know," I sighed. "I just feel like he'd be doing better without me around."
"He's a little tired, but it's nothing he can't handle," she assured me. "Besides, he's obviously feeling energized enough to take my daughter out on a date."
"No way!" I exclaimed, rather loudly. Hope stared at me as if she were annoyed I wasn't using my inside voice. "Sorry, bibs," I chuckled, running my thumb through her hair. "Why didn't either of them tell me?"
"They probably just never found the time to bring it up." That seemed like a rather reasonable explanation because I was taking care of a small child. My fair excuse still didn't level out the guilt I felt for not being available for my brother and best friend to tell me important things like a date.
"That's so exciting though," I smiled, masking the guilt I felt.
Or I tried to anyway, but Mrs. Isabella saw right through me.
"Neither of them have any idea what it's like to be a mother, so they could not even begin to blame you for your unavailability. Not that they even would."
I shrugged. "You're right, I guess."
"I love your brother for her," she added with a small grin.
Though Leah and Brennan haven't been dating for the past six or seven years, when they first started growing feelings for each other, they basically may as well have been. Leah has had her fair share of boyfriends and hookups over the years, as Brennan has with girls, but it always come back to each other.
Brennan is the only guy Leah has ever loved; Leah is the only girl Brennan has ever loved. They're soulmates, I didn't doubt it in my mind.
"Me too," I agreed.
I can't wait for the day I'm standing at my brother's wedding while he marries my best friend. Who knows? Maybe Hope will be their little flower girl, too.
It became evident to me that Mrs. Isabella was practically itching to hold Hope, so I picked her up from her spot next to me and handed her over to Mrs. Isabella. Before she could fuss, I offered her her favorite pacifier to suck in. She made no signs of distaste, not that she usually does, so I put it in her gaping mouth.
"She's the most adorable thing ever!"
Mrs. Isabella drummed her fingers over Hope's belly while making ridiculous noises that Hope seemed to find amusing enough. Her limbs were flailing wildly all over the place with excitement as Mrs. Isabella played with her.
The hair growing on Hope's head was dark brown, resembling mine and Andrew's, but she had my nose and mouth. Our jaw structures and head shapes were scary similar as well. She could probably be mistaken for my sister, if she wasn't an infant and I wasn't an adult.
She did have one feature of Andrew's though, one I secretly hoped she would have: his eyes. They were bright blue, like the color of the sky on a perfect day, just like Andrew's.
One could have doubts that Hope was Andrew's baby, though they wouldn't be valid since Andrew is the only person I have ever been with, but if you compared their eyes, all doubts would diminish into thin air.
Looking into Hope's eyes was like I was 17 and looking into Andrew's eyes again, falling deeper and deeper into love with him.
While Mrs. Isabella entertained Hope, or rather Hope entertained Mrs. Isabella, I leaned back and watched the two in awe.
I'll always love and appreciate Mrs. Isabella, for everything she has done for my brother and I, my best friend, and now my daughter. She's been more of a mother figure than anyone has in my life. I don't know if I'd be able to effectively raise Hope without all she's done for me.
Over the past six weeks with Hope, I've learned how to detect when her waterworks are nearing. First, her eyes turn the slightest shade darker, her nose scrunches up, and she spits out her pacifier.
As if on cue, the pacifier was out of her mouth and she was screaming and crying. I could've predicted that well in advance since it's already 5 and that's when she often eats.
"She's hungry," I explained to Mrs. Isabella who handed over my screaming infant calmly.
Not even going to lie, I still jump sometimes when Hope starts bellowing. I can't wait for the day where I can react as serene as my parents and Mrs. Isabella do when she randomly starts crying.
"I'm going to go start dinner while you feed her, then." Mrs. Isabella got up and excused herself to the kitchen while I prepared to breastfeed Hope.
Trust me, it was something to get used to, but my friends and family did their best to not put me in any awkward or uncomfortable situations.
Especially Brennan - he always knew when it was time to remove himself from the situation.
~•~
Mrs. Isabella and I were in the midst of eating her spaghetti dinner she put together for the two us while Hope sat in her rocker.
She watched the toys above her with a silly grin on her face, amused with it. She has her moments with the rocker — sometimes she loves it, sometimes she hates it.
"Mom, I'm home! Brennan's here!"
"Looks like all the Brooks are joining us tonight," Mrs. Isabella smiled as Leah and Brennan waltzed into the kitchen.
Leah was in a short, but still respectable length, black dress with a v-neckline. Her hand was clasped around my brother's. He was clad in a pair of black slacks and a maroon colored quarter-sleeved button up.
"My favorites!" Leah squealed. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders to give me a quick hug before moving onto the Brooks I knew she was most excited to see.
She raised Hope in the air making incoherent noises. Hope was clearly grateful someone was finally giving her attention, since it'd been a whole five minutes that someone wasn't swooning over her.
"Hey, sis," Brennan greeted as he took a seat beside me. Leah sat across from us, next to Mrs. Isabella, cradling my baby in her arms
Hope made her usual gurgling sound and her fist accidentally hit the table. Her eyes started to gloss over at the impact, and I almost reached over to take her to comfort her.
However, Leah caught her before she could cry by turning her around in her arms and kissing her belly.
Hope absolutely loves belly kisses. They drive her crazy, but in a good way.
"How was your guys' date?" I smirked.
Both of them looked straight at Mrs. Isabella accusingly.
"Like you guys weren't going to tell her the second you got home anyway!" She defended herself.
Leah laughed, "It was fun, Helaina. Your brother is quite the charmer."
I rolled my eyes, playfully. "I'm sure he is."
"Idea!" Leah's face lit up like an actual lightbulb lit inside of her mind. Weird. "Let's have a sleepover! Us girls!" She insisted as she gestured to her mom, herself, me, and Hope.
"Thanks for the invite," Brennan scoffed jokingly.
"Thanks, but I don't think I could do that to you guys." Though Hope has gotten a lot better about sleeping for longer periods of time, it's no less of a pain to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her.
"Oh please," Leah nudged my shoulder. "Mom and I can help you. Please, Helaina, it'll be fun!"
I glanced over at Mrs. Isabella who merely shrugged. "Steven is working the night shift tonight, so it will be just us."
I reached out and took Hope from Leah, staring into my beautiful baby's beautiful eyes that reminded me so much of her daddy who I still miss so much, not that I'd admit it aloud.
"What do you say, bibs? Sleepover at Auntie Lee's?" I cooed.
Hope responded with an adorable baby grin as she reached out and lazily touched my cheek.
"I guess we're in."
Luckily I had several supplies available for Hope. I traveled with a portable crib for when she gets tired and needs a nap. The diaper bag was stacked with diapers and onesies in case of spit up, plus bottles and more.
"Look, babe, you get a night to catch up on your sleep if you desire," Leah winked.
"Yeah, while all my favorite girls are together."
"Don't sound too jealous."
I laughed at their coupley banter and stood with Hope in my arms. On my way toward the living room to change her diaper, she was plucked from my arms by my brother.
Fine by me.
"What's that-" before he could finish his sentence, I pushed the diaper bag into his free hand. "Ew."
"Thanks, Uncle Bren," I smirked, waving to Hope who was staring at me over Brennan's shoulder. She had an easy grin on her small face like she knew what she was doing to Brennan.
That's my girl.