I woke up with sun beaming at my face. I had forgotten to close the curtains. I sat up, propped on my elbows as I looked towards Rebeca. She was wide awake, typing away at her phone. She turned to look at me when she felt my gaze on her.
"Morning sleepyhead" she laughed as she sat up. I smiled back lazily as I rubbed my eyes.
"What time is it?" I asked as I looked around, squinting at the brightness of the sun.
"Late" Rebeca sighed as she began to gather her things.
"Have to get home" she said with a warm smile. I nodded slowly, a bit sad she was leaving.
"I'll be back later" she said with a bright smile. I smiled back, happy she would be back soon. I walked her out the door, making sure she got down the hallway safely.
I closed my front door and leaned against it, sighing heavily. The silence of my apartment was going to drive me crazy. I looked around, thinking on what to do. I raised my eyebrows when I looked out towards the window. The once sunny day was now glooming with dark clouds that kissed Derry, Maine's skies.
"Guess I'll stay in" I said laughing at my dumb excuse. I decided to clean around and do some laundry, maybe catch up on some homework. I let my song playlist flow around the small apartment. I didn't want to hear the silence anymore.
It had been hours and I had caught up on everything except homework. I sat comfortably in my bed, typing away on my laptop. I clicked the browser pages trying to go back to another link. My heart stopped when it I realized I had a left a page open. I clicked on it with shaky fingers.
Shape shifting creatures
I held my breath as I read the google entry. I slowly dragged the mouse icon onto the x button, wanting to click out of it. The soft snapping sound of my keyboard and it was gone. I exhaled all the air I had trapped, letting my lungs relax.
I raised the volume on the speaker, feeling the silence begin to overwhelm me. I continued to work on my essay, trying to forget the small incident, not wanting to make it a bigger deal than it was.
I was halfway done by this point and I felt myself growing tired even though it was only 6:39 pm. My eyelids fought to close, but I didn't wanna sleep. Not yet.
I laid my head against the headboard, remembering all the times I had held onto it when I shared those intimate sessions with Penny. I began to imagine his hands on my skin, his fingertips brushing against the most sensitive parts of my body, making me shiver. The way he growled when he was in complete pleasure. The way his fingers tasted in my mouth, on my tongue. I felt my body grow hot at these thoughts of Penny.
"Jesus Christ" I sighed as I sat up quickly, not wanting to sleep anymore. I walked towards my shower, turning it on. I let the cold water fall down the drain. I sat in the middle of the tub, fully clothed, as I let the cold water soak me. I held my legs up to my chest, as I looked forward, my clothes and hair growing heavy from the water.
"Hold on" I lied to myself as I shivered from the cold water. I stayed there for a couple minutes, wanting to cool off my body, my mind.
I got out, dripping wet. I took off my soaked clothes, and took them into the laundry. I looked at the washing machine as it trembled. I laid my elbows onto the machine, looking at the wall. My robe held tightly onto my body, keeping me warm.
I felt a pair of clothed hands touch my thigh gently. I gasped at the sensation, turning around immediately. I looked around the small room confused when I didn't see anyone, but the touch felt all too familiar. I hoisted myself up, sitting on top of the washer. I let my head fall back, closing me eyes. I could imagine everything so perfectly. Penny standing in front of me, glowing eyes. His hand swiftly parted my legs apart slowly, the heat within me growing immensely. Our eyes locked onto one other, filled with lust. Feeling my robe slip off my body, leaving me bare for Penny to see. His growls so loud, and he hadn't even touched me yet. I felt like I was stilling sitting in the tub, soaking wet. His fingers slowly made their way into my lips, the taste lingering on my tongue. I moaned against his glove, sounding muffled. I felt his hand snake up my leg, inches from my core. He pushed my robe aside, leaving me exposed for him. I bit down onto his fingers in anticipation as I felt his fingertip brush gently against my sensitive flesh.
"Penny" I moaned loudly.
I heard a loud knock on my front door, snapping me out of my heated daydream. I looked around confused and dazed. I hadn't realized I was imagining it all, it seemed all too real.
I cleared my throat in embarrassment as I climbed off the washer, fixing the robe on my body. Somehow it had became disheveled. I looked through the peephole and sighed in relief as I saw Rebeca standing on the other side. I had completely forgotten she was coming back.
"Hey" I said a little bit flustered.
"Hey" she said with a smile and suspicious facial expression. She raised her eyebrows when she looked at me.
"Who did you fuck?" She joked as she walked in, making her way to the living room. I felt my cheeks heat up at her joke. I didn't realize I had looked so flustered.
I followed after her, joining her on the couch. Switching on my tv, trying to stop the silence.
"How are you feeling?" Rebeca asked as she placed her warm hand gently onto my lap. She looked at me with welcoming eyes, awaiting my response.
"I'm fine, feeling a lot better actually" I said lying. I was dying inside. Dying for penny's touch. I hadn't realized how strong of a hold he had on me. I craved his attention, and maybe that's why I always started heated arguments, that or it was due to his short temper and abusive manners. But none the less, I missed that clown, or whatever he was. I needed to feel his warmth, everywhere. My body physically ached for him, or maybe that was the bruises and cuts left from our previous fight.
I just wanted him to accept this. To accept us. To love me unconditionally like I did. Monster or not, I was deeply in love and I don't think he knew how to handle such strong emotions, so he took it out on me. I wanted him to spend restless nights with me, to feel him whenever I wanted. If I was as special as he made me out to be, not killing me and all, then I wanted to feel that way. I would be his, completely his as much as he would be mine. I wanted to feel him here, physically and emotionally. I wanted to be there for him, even though he didn't need me to.
"Are you okay" Rebeca laughed as she waved her hand in my face. I looked at her, blank eyes. I nodded slowly, still dazed by my thoughts.
"Anyways, I was saying how funny it was when Christina got drunk at the baby shower" she laughed, trying to lighten the mood. I laughed back weakly, not interested in what she was saying and I felt guilty for it, but my mind was somewhere else, somewhere far.
A sudden ring of her phone interrupted us.
"Oh, let me get this" she said as she answered the call, looking at me with side eyes.
"Hey hun, what's up?" She asked her fiancé on the other line.
"Oh now? Really? I was sort of busy" Rebeca said with a heavy sigh against the phone. I took this as an opportunity to let Rebeca leave. I wanted to be
alone anyways, and I felt guilty having Rebeca over to help me pick up the pieces of my broken heart after I ditched her at her baby shower and then cut her off completely.
"It's fine" I mouthed to her with a thumbs up and small smile. I didn't want to be alone, but the only person I wanted next to me was Penny and I couldn't have that, so I didn't want anything at all. Stubborn.
Rebeca hung up immediately after. She looked at me with soft eyes as she placed her hands gently on top of mine.
"I am so sorry" she said
"No no no it's okay! Really , it is" I said whispering softly the last part as I offered her a warm smile. She sighed in relief before embracing me in a tight hug.
"I'll make it up to you" she said as she sat up, picking up her bag.
"Okay" I said giving her a tight and faint smile as she headed towards the door. She looked back at me one more time before walking out the door, giving me a gentle smile. I sat on the couch, alone and filled with emotions. I hugged my legs against my chest, holding them tightly with my arms as I placed my chin on my knees. I looked around my apartment, teary eyed. I missed him like crazy, and I was so stupid and stubborn to realize that. I shouldn't put all the blame on myself, but if it was what it took to get him back, I'd take the whole worlds blame but even I knew that wasn't enough.
"I'm so sorry" I said into the thin air.
"Penny" I whispered.
"I know you're here"
"I know you can hear me"
"And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I was dumb, I know. I understand now, at least I think I do.."
"You're different, I should've gotten that" I sighed lightly.
"But you need to help me with this, with this aching pain in my chest. It won't go away, I know it won't go away until you hold me in your arms like you used to"
"I want you to accept this, to accept us, to fall in love with me, just as I fell for you"
"I know you're afraid, I can feel it in the air around you"
"And it's okay, it's okay to be afraid. You out of everyone should know that"
"I'll be here, through everything. I'll love you just as you love me. I'll hold you like you hold me, I'll do just that" I said feeling my eyes sting as tears began to form.
"You won't leave..you wouldn't... penny please don't leave" I cried silently into the silence of the room.
I sobbed silently when I realized I wasn't going to get a response any time soon. I let my head fall onto my knees, looking down as I cried.
"Penny" I sobbed softly in a last attempt to make him come home, but he never did.
I sat there, silence surrounding me from every corner. I wiped my eyes, trying to be strong but every part of me was breaking. I knew it would get better. It had to get better.
I shot up from the couch and into my room, not thinking straightly and it might have been due to the blurry vision caused by my tears, or the intense heartbreak I was dealing with.
I pulled the black leather material from deep within my closet. I looked at it as it laid in the center of my room.
My suitcase.
I began to grab anything that would fit, wanting to leave this cursed town and never look back. I was done with the pain. Every where I turned something reminded me of him. It had only been a couple days, and it was too much for me. I couldn't wait it out here in Derry, not surrounded by the painful silence. I wanted out. If I couldn't have him, I wanted out.
I changed into anything I could get my hands that I hadn't already packed. I grabbed my keys and phone. The sound of the wheels on my suitcase rolling against the wooden floor being the only sound within the silent walls.
I opened the front door with shaky hands, luggage behind me. I looked back at the apartment, and all it contained. All the memories and futures I would never experience.
I walked out, my legs feeling like a ton. It was as if they were fighting against me, in order to stay, because deep down that's what I wanted, to stay and wait it out with Penny, but I couldn't. I knew I couldn't.
I looked back one last time, taking in everything, deep down hoping penny would be standing there, begging me not to go like he once did, but he wasn't.
With soft hands, I closed the door.
Heading down the hall
and out of Derry for good...