"Oh honey, sometimes it's for the best" my mom cooed over the phone as I sniffled.
"It's his loss!" She said trying to make me feel better. I bit my lip as it trembled.
"I just don't understand why you won't tell me who he is" My mom stammered on the phone. I shook my head, forgetting she couldn't see me.
"It's useless" I lied. I felt so lonely in my one bedroom apartment. Penny had been gone for hours and I knew those would soon turn into long days and into long months.
My mom sighed against the phone, trying her best to comfort her heartbroken daughter. I hadn't even called her when Norman had broken up with me. I didn't feel that alone, not like now. An emptiness in my heart, but deep down I knew I was the cause for all of this. The stubbornness I carried, a curse.
"I have to go" I lied as my eyes soaked with tears.
"Are you sure you'll be okay hun?" My mom asked, worry in her voice.
"I'll be fine" I said before smiling weakly and hanging up the phone. I sighed, looking around my apartment. It was so silent, it was almost uncomfortable.
I heard a soft knock on the door. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, wondering who could be visiting me at such hour. I slowly got up from the couch, placing the tub of ice cream on the coffee table in front of me. How cliché.
I balanced myself on my tiptoes, trying to look through the peephole but my tear stained eyes made it difficult to identify the silhouette that stood behind my wooden door. I held my breath as I swung the door open, not caring who stood on the other end.
My face softened at the person standing opposite of me. I felt myself began to breathe again and I almost fell into their arms to cry.
"Lola" Rebeca said with concerned eyes. She quickly made her way into the apartment, holding me.
"What's wrong, you've been so distant" she said trying to comfort me, but all I felt was sadness. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, or until I had to stop myself.
We sat on the couch for hours, not talking, just feeling the sad silence around us.
"It's okay, to not be okay" Rebeca said as she stroked my hair softly, like Penny had once did. My eyes were swollen and I felt my cheeks sticky with dried tears.
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, about him" she said as she gave me a warm smile. I refused to tell her why I was crying none the less about who, but she had known me too many years, and she knew my different types of crying. This crying was called heartbreak.
"You're so beautiful! You could have anyone! You're smart, gorgeous, and most of all, kind" she said trying to comfort me. My heart ached at her words, even if it was possible for me to have anyone I wanted, which I couldn't, I only wanted him. Penny.
"You don't need him" she continued, trying to make me feel a little bit better.
"Yeah" I said with a small laugh, wiping the tears off my face with the sleeve of my grey sweater.
"I'm not mad by the way" she said as she drew circles with her fingers on her thigh. She looked down at her dark denim before looking back up at me with a faint smile.
"I don't know why you left, but I trust you enough to know it must have been very important" she said referring to her baby shower incident. She was 6 months along now, and I was so excited even through this heartbreak.
This pain in my heart didn't feel like any ordinary heartbreak. It felt deeper than that. It ran down all throughout my spine. I felt like a part of me was gone, because deep down I knew it was.
"Rebeca" I croaked as I felt my eyes begin to sting again.
"I haven't been honest with you" I said as I felt myself began to cry again.
"What do you mean?" She asked as she held her stomach lightly with her right hand, her left one placed gently on my back. I winced softly as my cuts were still fresh from the fight I had with Penny.
"He's.. he's not someone you'd want me with" I said, feeling my stomach drop at my words.
"He's different" I said quietly.
"Lola, that's what you thin-" she tried to say before I cut her off.
"And I know! I know you'll say that's what I think because I love him but believe me when I tell you, he's different" I said sighing heavily. She looked at me while she bit her lip, nodding softly.
"But I love him, I love him so fucking much it hurts. I'm hurting because the love, the love is too much for us" I said trying not to let my voice get shaky.
"That we don't know what to do with it" I continued as I felt warm tears seep from my tired eyes.
"Ok" she said
"I believe you" she said as pulled me in for a side hug. I placed my head gently on her shoulder, both of us staring into the emptiness of my apartment.
"How about, I stay with you tonight? Keep you company?" She asked while looking down at my face. I nodded my head, happy she was willing to stay with me during this heartbroken night.
"I'm gonna make some coffee, coffee for the broken heart" she said as she sat up slowly, cautious of her belly.
I watched her walk gently towards the kitchen, and begin to make the coffee. I looked down mindlessly at my coffee table and felt my mouth run dry when my eyes fell onto it.
A small bell, the same bell penny carried on his suit sat neatly on top of the mahogany wood. I continued to look at it, drowning all the noises and movements around me.
"Lola?" I heard Rebeca ask, snapping me out of my trance. I looked quickly towards her direction, embarrassed and still shocked.
"Sorry what?" I asked trying not to make it obvious.
"One sugar or two?" She said with a small laugh.
"One is fine" I said looking back down at the bell. My eyes widened and my heart sank when I realized it was gone, like it had vanished into thin air, just like Penny had. I heard Rebeca continue to shuffle around the kitchen. I decided to focus all my attention on the tv, turning it on in order to distract myself.
I felt the couch dip on the opposite side of me as Rebeca sat, two warm mugs in her hand. I took one of the ceramic cups into my cold hands. Ceramic, it was ceramic.. just like the vase I had smashed against Penny's head.
"What happened to your dining table" Rebeca asked as she bit into a cookie. I felt my body tense up at her question. I drank from my mug, trying to stall from answering.
"Sold it" I lied as we both looked at the emptiness of the dining room. I had cleaned it after Penny had left. It was all I had to distract myself.
Rebecca looked down at my hands, filled with small cuts. She raised her eyebrows before looking at me.
"Okay" she said as she took a sip from her hot drink. I made myself more comfortable against the couch, looking at the tv. Some random movie was playing but I didn't mind the distraction. Rebeca followed right after and we found ourselves sitting in front of the tv for most of the night.
"I'm gonna take a bubble bath" I said with a small smile. Rebeca looked at me from the couch, covered in pillows and blankets.
"You deserve it" she smiled back as I made my way into my bathroom. I had begun to feel a little bit better, a little less lonely.
I let the tub fill with the warm soapy water. The same temperature water penny had made love to me.
"Stop it Lola!" I scolded myself as I forced myself to not think about Penny.
I let my robe slip off my body before slowly making me way into the tub. I sat down slowly, letting the bubbles tickle my skin. My back stung from the cuts but I fought through the pain.
I let my body relax against the warm water, letting my head fall back with closed eyes. The room was silent, the only sound being the occasional droplets of water. I laid there for a while, thinking about random things. My school assignments, my rent, my family, anything but Penny.
Suddenly a familiar song began to play in my head.. and it hit a little too close to home. I held back tears, telling myself to be strong, to keep myself together. The song lyrics bounced around in my head, it was too perfect to the situation, a perfect match. I felt myself began to hum to the rhythm, whispering the lyrics here and there. I didn't want it to make me feel sad, to let it be a lesson.
I kept my eyes closed, trying to enjoy the moment when a sudden sound of bells made me snap my eyes open. I looked around vigorously, but didn't see anything. I could've sworn I had heard it, heard him..
"You're going crazy" I said grabbing at my head. I let my hand fall onto the water, causing ripples. A sudden flashback took me back to the day Penny visited me in the tub. When he tried talking to me, after those days in the Neibolt house. The way I pushed the water away, creating the same ripple effect.
I got out of the tub quickly, too many memories dancing around it. I grabbed the towel, patting myself dry before placing the robe around my soft skin. I looked in the mirror, eyes tired and hurt.
I walked out, making my way to my closet in order to change into more comfortable clothing. Once I found the perfect sweatpants and T-shirt, I walked into the living room, meeting Rebeca once again.
"Oh girl no!" Rebeca said, completely engrossed into the television. I laughed at her before setting myself next to her on the couch.
"That was fast" she said as she fixed the blanket around me.
"Wasn't relaxing as I thought" I said as I shrugged, fixing my gaze onto the tv.
"Well, I'm in the mood for popcorn! And this little fella is too!" Rebeca cheered as she looked down at her stomach. I felt my stomach drop. Penny.
"I don't have any" I said quickly, trying not to make it obvious.
Rebeca gave me a confused look before looking at the kitchen. She looked back at me as she pointed towards my pantry.
"I saw some earlier" she said, laughing nervously.
"It's old!" I said quickly trying to end the conversation. She raised her hands in defense before looking down.
"It's okay if you don't wanna share" she joked before laughing lightly, uncomfortable with the situation.
"Sorry, it's just, it's been there for a while" I lied as I played with the loose strands of cloth on the soft blanket.
"But I have chips" I said trying to compensate. She looked at me with a happy expression on her face.
"You know me so well" she said as I got up to get them. I looked back at her as my hands opened the pantry slowly. She was completely distracted by the tv. I searched blindly with my hand, looking for it, keeping my eyes on her.
I felt my hand fall onto the box. I quickly picked it up, trying not to make too much noise. I looked down at the popcorn as I threw it into the trash.
I walked back to the couch with a bag half full of chips. I sat down next to her, handing them to her as I kept my eyes on the tv, trying not to make anything obvious.
The rest of the night consisted of Netflix and junk food. Rebeca had knocked out about 20 minutes ago and I was following after. She laid on the opposite couch as I snuggled into the blankets. I felt my eyes grow heavy, drifting into pitch blackness.
I jolted awake, looking around as I gasped for air. Something had woken me up, and only me up. Rebeca was still sound asleep, the room dark apart from a small patch on the floor dimly lit by the moonlight. When I didn't see anything out of the ordinary, my back fell back onto the couch as I sighed in relief. I let my arm rest upon my forehead, looking up at the dark ceiling.
Then I heard it again. The familiar bells.
I snapped my head towards the darkest corner of the room. My eyes tried adjusting to the darkness but they never did because there was something darker standing there, something darker than the night, darker than the void in my heart.
"Penny?" I called out softly as I familiarized myself with the shape of the silhouette.
I heard loud shuffling emerge from Rebeca's side of the room.
"What are you doing?" She asked groggily as she rubbed her eyes in sleepiness and confusion. I looked back at her.
"Who's penny?" She asked as she squinted through the darkness, trying to look at me. Before I could respond, she fell back onto the couch.
"You're dreaming" she said as she shut her eyes closed, falling back asleep instantly. I looked at her with wide eyes before looking back at the dark corner. The dark figure was gone and I felt my muscles relax.
I laid back down, trying to go back to sleep. My right hand was closed tightly, and it felt as if I was holding onto something.
I sat up gently once again, peering down at my hand through the darkness. I slowly opened the palm of my hand, revealing what made my heart race.
Even through the darkness I could make out what it was.
I felt my lips part softly, heart racing as I looked down at the object.
There in the center of my small hand, in the middle of the night.
A small striped bell. Just like Penny's..