It seems that everything I saw were fragments of my memories with her: the secret garden, the park, the market, the cycling beside the river. We've done all of it together before and it was all just a replay in my mind. That's why it felt too familiar, like it was déjà vu every moment. I just ignored this because during those time, I was happy, too happy to notice that all of it was just my mere illusions, a playback of my favorite moments of us together. I didn't know I was slowly gaining her back to my mind without realizing it.
And the puzzle just became whole when I entered my own room. Our room. It was filled with our memories that it triggered the switch on and everything went back to me.
The bracelet I saw on my hospital room was hers. The doctor said she was still reaching for me when they brought us both to the hospital until she took her last breath and the bracelet fell of from her wrist. I remembered that she was so happy back then when she received it from me as an anniversary gift.
The day they left me with Kai, when they all looked gloomy, even Kai who stayed with me, it was her death anniversary. It was already one year since the accident and they came to visit her. I found out that they were all crying on her grave that day.
The 'Auntie Kim' Sehun was talking about was her mother. Eommonim, was asking about my condition, and even my right to know that, they denied.
The bowl that Mirae-yah was looking for last time, I remember how she brought it in the house joking that she will be living there from now on, that's why she brought it. But she really bought it for me, especially for me. She said I was a big eater so I needed a bigger bowl. She took privilege to buy it for me.
They all knew about her. They hid her from me..
"We don't want to see you hurt and not recover anymore." It was their excuse.
"She saved you Baek, she sacrificed her life for you. We were afraid of what you can do to yourself after you find out that she's gone because of you. We were afraid of the possibilities."
"We're sure, she doesn't want to see you miserable as you would be if you knew."
Miserable?
I already feel miserable now that I knew I forgot all about her.
That the person who gave her life for me was not remembered. She was not recognized and never remembered.
I didn't even notice losing a big part of me because of her.
"We're sorry Baek. We're sorry."
Don't Go (Butterfly Girl)
By Exo-K
[D.O] Jogeuman nalgaetjit neol hyanghan ikkeullim naege ttaraora sonjitan geot gataseo
(The small fluttering of your wings seemed like it was telling me to follow you)
[Chanyeol] Aejeolhan nunbitgwa mueonui iyagi gaseume hoeoriga morachideon geunal bam
(The sad eyes and tacit stories in your heart that night in which the whirlwind was raging)
Today, the sky is crying with me. The dark clouds never left and their tears kept pouring down along with mine.
[Kai] Omyohan geudaeui moseube neogseul noko hanappunin yeonghoneul ppaetgigo
(I was mesmerized by the mysterious you and stared at you and had my one soul stolen)
[Suho] Geudaeui momjise wanjeonhi chwihaeseo sum swineun geotjocha ijeobeorin nainde
(Because I am completely drunk at your movements, I even forgot how to breathe)
I stood in front of her...
..or of what remains a memory of her.
[Baekhyun] Walcheucheoreom sappunhi anja nuneul ttel su eobseo siseoni jayeonseure georeummada neol ttaragajanha
(Like a waltz, I sit lightly and can't take my eyes off of you. My eyes naturally follow you every time you walk)
Here in our own secret garden, she wished to be lain on her everlasting sleep.
I came here before without realizing she was really here.
[All] Nal annaehaejwo
(Guide me)
"You're so unfair..." I just let my tears flow though it wasn't obvious if it weren't for my red nose and swollen eyes.. "You didn't even give me a chance to tell you 'don't go' or stop you from flying away from me...."
[D.O] Yeah geudaega salgo inneun gose nado hamkke deryeoga [All] jwo
(yeah take me together with you to the place where you live)
[Suho] Oh, sesangui kkeuchirado dwittaragal teni
(Oh even if the world ends, I'll follow from behind you so please)
"Why???? Why did you just leave me like that?? We had so much to do in our future."
[Baekhyun] Budi nae siyaeseo beoseonaji marajwo achimi wado sarajiji marajwo [Baekhyun/All] oh
(don't go out of my sight Even when the morning comes, don't disappear oh)
".You were going to be my wife right? It was you who wanted to be called Mrs. Byun, right???"
[D.O] Kkumeul kkuneun georeum
(This walk that I'm dreaming)
"My butterfly..?"
... geudaen namanui areumdaun nabi
(You're my only beautiful butterfly)
[D.O] oh [Baekhyun] woo-hoo-hoo
[D.O] oh yeah yea [Baekhyun] woo-hoo-hoo
[D.O] yeah [Baekhyun] woo-hoo-hoo
The girl who always put my heart at rest is now resting. I didn't even get to sing her a lullaby before she sleeps.
[D.O]Eodiseo wanneunji...eodiro ganeunji chinjeolhi yeogikkaji majungeul wajun neo
(Wherever you came from, or wherever you're going, up until now you always kindly greet me)
[Baekhyun]Gapareun oreumak kkakkajin jeolbyeokdo geokjeongma mueotdo duryeoul geosi eobseuni
(A steep climb, the cliffs that cut off, don't worry because there is no place to be afraid of)
Sorry. I'm really sorry..
For letting this happen.....
[All] Neoneun ppomnae uahan jatae
[Suho] Oh nan myeot beonigo banhago
(Your elegant figure oh I fall for it many times)
We were supposed to be happy.
We should be married by now.
[All] Sarangeun ireoke nado moreuge
[Chanyeol] Yegodo eobsi bulsie chajawa
(Like this love, without even me knowing, comes and finds me unexpectedly)
We should be having our happy ending now.
But instead.....
[Baekhyun] Walcheucheoreom sappunhi anja nuneul ttel su eobseo siseoni jayeonseure georeummada neol ttaragajanha oh no
(Like a waltz, I sit lightly and can't take my eyes off of you. My eyes naturally follow you every time you walk)
One of us is left here alone.
And no one of us is happy.
We didn't get our happy ending.
"Nal annaehaejwo
(Guide me)
Yeah geudaega salgo inneun gose nado hamkke deryeogajwo
(yeah take me together with you to the place where you live)
Oh, sesangui kkeuchirado dwittaragal teni
(Oh even if the world ends, I'll follow from behind you so please)
Budi nae siyaeseo beoseonaji marajwo achimi wado sarajiji marajwo oh~
(don't go out of my sight. Even when the morning comes, don't disappear oh)
Kkumeul kkuneun georeum....
(This walk that I'm dreaming)
geudaen namanui areumdaun.....
(You're my only beautiful....)"
I sobbed..
"....nabi."
(...butterfly).
I was already kneeling in front of her feeling all the pain I should've felt within that one year: all the grieving I should've done from the moment I wake up, all the tears I should've shed for her, and all the regret I should've had.
[D.O] Natseon goseul hemaenda haedo gireul irheobeorindaedo nuguboda soljikhan naui mameul ttareulgeoya
(Even if we wander in unfamiliar places, even if we get lost I'll follow my heart that's more honest than anyone else's)
"I, Byun Baekhyun take Kim Nabi..as my lawfully wedded wife.."
[Chanyeol/All] Joyonghi nune ttuineun momjit ganghago budeureoun nunbit
(Your quiet movements that strike me, and your sharp and soft gaze)
"to cherish in all times ...to have and to hold..." again I sob.
[Baekhyun] Geobuhal su eomneun nanikka yeah
(I can't resist you)
"...'til death.......do us part"
Then I broke down and just cry.
[All] Nal deryeogajwo
[Baekhyun] Yeah geudaega salgo inneun gose nado hamkke deryeoga [Baekhyun/All] jwo
(Take me yeah take me together with you to the place where you live)
[Suho] Oh, sesangui kkeuchirado ttaragalge oh no
(Oh even if the world ends, I'll follow you)
[D.O] Nae siyaeseo beoseonaji marajwo achimi wado sarajiji marajwo [D.O/All] oh
(don't go out of my sight. Even when the morning comes, don't disappear oh)
"Kim Nabi.....
[Baekhyun] Jogeumahan sonjit naui gaseumen hoeoriga chinda
(A small wave of your hand makes a whirlwind strike in my heart)
....Saranghae."
[Baekhyun] woo-hoo-hoo,
[D.O] oh yeah yea
[Baekhyun] woo-hoo-hoo
[D.O] oh yeah yea
[Baekhyun] woo-hoo-hoo
_____________________________________________________
"We are afraid to hurt people we love, so we hide the truth from them. But know this, truth really hurts. It will only hurt more if you keep on hiding it longer. Always remember that the best thing to do is tell the truth no matter how hurtful it is. Because whatever you do about it, in the end, it still hurts. The sooner, the easier to accept."
Dedicated to Exostans/fans.
Happy Birthday Byun Baekhyun~
XOXO,
~Yoto Kozuka