18…
The sky was as gray as Roy’s sweatshirt and the air was bitingly crisp. But Roy didn’t seem to mind the cold, James noticed. The boy didn’t seem to mind the wind either, or the fact that walking through the woods had gotten his convers soaking wet.
He didn’t care, because he was outside.
Roy rushed several steps ahead and then stopped, waiting for James to limp up beside him. They had been walking for about fifteen minutes. James was surprised that the boy hadn’t spoken a word. He wasn’t asking any questions, or even touching anything, as James had expected. Instead, Roy walked in silence.
But James knew him enough to be certain that the boy was thrilled to be outside. It was what he had always wanted—to see the sky, and to see the leaves still attached to the trees instead of dead and dry and in his hand.
So why didn’t he say anything?
After a while, James decided to break the silence. He stopped in the middle of the path and waited.
It was only a moment before Roy noticed that James had halted. Turning around, the boy hurried back. His hands were clenched at his sides, the knuckles white with cold. His breath came in small puffs of air, turned into mist by the evening chill. “I’m sorry,” he apologized before James had a chance to speak.
“You didn’t do anything, Roy. That’s what I’m worried about.” James replied, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets. “You’re not behaving…normally. Not even your kind of normal.”
Roy glanced up furtively, his eyes flickering with confusion before they found the ground again. “I’m sorry.” He repeated.
“Don’t be sorry.” James ordered with a sigh. His breath formed a large white puff of air that slowly dissipated. “Just ask me something.”
Roy quickly shook his head. “T-that’s okay,” he insisted. “I-I don’t have any questions.”
“Oh really?” James’ brow furrowed. “There’s nothing out here that you want to know about?”
Roy’s eyes kept flicking up toward James’ face and then back down at the ground. They did this several times before he spoke again. “You don’t like it when I ask questions,” he finally said. His voice was very quiet.
James frowned. “Well you can ask me something right now.” He said.
Roy sighed. “Okay.” He said.
James nodded.
Roy said nothing.
“Well?” James urged impatiently. He was sick of waiting for Roy to say something. They’d already been walking for a while. It was getting darker and colder, although that wasn’t really why James felt impatient. He wore a sweater, a heavy coat, a pair of jeans and two pairs of socks beneath his boots. He was plenty warm. But Roy wasn’t responding as James had expected, and this bothered him. He didn’t like surprises.
“…I-I don’t know what to ask…” Roy replied nervously, his hands shaking at his sides. His whole body was quivering from the cold. All he had on was the hoodie, a pair of sweatpants and his red convers. Realizing this, James removed his coat and reached out to put it around the boy’s shoulders. Roy jerked violently, throwing his arms up and stumbling backward.
“I’m just trying to give you my coat!” James cried.
Roy swallowed nervously, coming to a halt in his retreat. “Oh,” he said, steadying.
“What did you think I was going to do?” James demanded, his brow knit together in confusion.
“I’m sorry,” Roy replied quickly, shaking his head. “I’m sorry James,” he repeated, coming forward with his head held low.
“Just take this,” James grunted, roughly wrapping the coat around the boy’s shoulders. “Stop shivering and ask me some questions.”
Roy nodded, pulling the coat tightly around him until his shivering subsided a bit. “Okay,” he said, and then went back to being silent.
James let out a frustrated sigh, shaking his head. What was with this kid? Didn’t he know to accept a good offer when it presented itself? James was trying to do something nice. For once, he had put aside his responsibilities and tried to reward this boy with the thing that he’d always wanted—to go outside and ask a million questions.
Roy had always been curious, and it was a part of his personality that James had found exceptionally irritating at times. But right now, all he wanted was for Roy to enjoy himself. The boy had earned it. But for whatever reason, he refused to accept the gift of patience that James was attempting to offer.
“Alright, fine. Never mind,” James snapped, clomping down the path in his heavy boots, his limp agitating him to no end. His leg was healing from the crash, but it would take time. Time that James didn’t want to waste by being a cripple.
He needed to get back to normal—to heal up and be able to drive again. Until then, he would be stuck here with Pam and Lisa. Neither of them knew what was really going on with Roy, and James intended to keep it that way. But keeping a secret from those two would be like hiding bones from an x-ray machine. They saw through everything.
Still, James couldn’t let anything slip. Roy’s identity and origins had to remain a secret. No one could know about him or his past. If anyone found out, James would run the risk of losing everything he had worked towards for the last twenty years. He’d already risked everything by coming here. One risk per decade was enough.
“It’s time to go back.” James said as he turned around on the path. They had only walked about a mile into the woods, but it was all his injured leg could take.
The rubber bottoms of Roy’s shoes squeaked against the wet forest floor as he traipsed down the path, back toward the house. His straight, square-tipped nose was red, snot running down his upper lip as he glanced up at James and smiled.
“What?” James asked, confused by the genial expression.
“Thank you, James.” Roy replied, rubbing his nose with the back of his pale hand. “Thank you for this.” He shifted and tossed his arms toward the sky, looking up at the trees and the ash colored clouds blocking out the thin November sun.
After a moment of staring, James shook his head and carried on. They needed to get back. He had a phone call to make.
“James,” Roy’s voice sounded hesitant.
Raising an eyebrow, James halted and turned to glance at the boy. “What?” he asked.
“I have a q-question,” Roy said.
“Well?” James blinked, waiting. Finally, some sign that the boy was back on track.
“C-can I…” Roy stopped to glance down at his shuffling feet. “I-I want…I want to…”
“God, what?” James snapped, throwing his arms up in frustration. Without another word, Roy came forward and gently placed his forehead on the man’s shoulder.
James’ jaw fell slack, his hands frozen in the air, not knowing what else to do with them. Was the boy trying to…hug him?
James cleared his throat, expecting Roy to pull away. He didn’t move.
After a moment, he felt Roy’s shoulders starting to shake. They were only trembling slightly, but it was enough for James to know what was happening. Awkwardly, he lowered his arms and placed them around Roy. The boy pressed his face deeper into James’ shoulder, wrapping his own arms tightly around the man’s waist.
James grunted, startled by the sudden movement and by the randomness of Roy’s affection. Why here, James wondered. Why now?
“Are you crying?” he asked with a grimace of confusion.
“Please don’t be mad,” Roy whispered into his sweater.
“I’m not.” James replied. “But I’m confused. I thought you wanted to go outside—”
“I do!” Roy insisted quickly, suddenly pulling away. He wiped briskly at his cheeks, trying to get rid of the tears that marred his face. “But I…I just wanted to thank you.”
“Next time words will suffice,” James stated, blinking.
Roy nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. “I’m s—”
“Don’t be sorry, Roy.” James interrupted, shaking his head. “Just behave.”
Roy lowered his head, nodding slowly.
Frowning, James turned back around and headed toward the house once more. Roy followed close behind—but not too close.
________________________________________________________
I didn’t know why I did that. I felt stupid for doing it. But when I was standing there, and I realized that we were coming back from an outing, all I could think about was how much I wanted to show James what it meant to me. I wanted him to know how happy he’d made me. I wanted to show him that I appreciated his gift.
I’d only wanted to thank him. Instead, I’d upset him. I felt terrible for that. It wasn’t what I had wanted to do. It was a mistake. I’d messed up again.
When we reached the end of the path, I looked up and saw the house. It was big and green, like the forest. Glancing over my shoulder, I took in the trees again, and the gray sky and all the strange brown, slimy things that littered the ground at my feet. I wanted to know about all of it. But I couldn’t ask questions. James didn’t like questions.
The house felt so warm when I walked through the door. My hands immediately began to sting, along with my nose and ears. I winced and tucked my hands under my arms to get the prickly feeling to stop. It didn’t work.
“Back already?” someone asked.
The voice surprised me and I jumped, hurriedly turning to see who it was. The other woman, the one named Pam, stood next to the kitchen sink, a large silver blade in her hand. A pile of chopped vegetables sat on the counter next to a bowl of salad. She was adding the vegetables to the bowl one by one as she spoke.
“You look like a boy-sickle.” She said, pursing her lips. “Or a Roy-sickle,” she mused, humor sparkling in her dark blue eyes. “Come here. I’ll warm your hands up really fast.” Reaching over, she twisted a silver handle at the back of the sink until water poured from the faucet. A moment later, the water was steaming.
I didn’t move. I wasn’t supposed to talk to Pam, or to Lisa. James told me to stay away from them. I had to do what James asked. I couldn’t misbehave anymore. Not after what he had just done for me. Turning, I hurried up the stairs toward my room, still wearing James’ coat and the shoes he’d given me—now muddied and wet from outside.
“Hey, Roy, where are you going?” Pam called out.
I reached the top of the staircase before I felt my lower abdomen start to ache. Shuffling towards the bathroom, I felt the warm air in the house start to thaw my skin, and increase my need to use the toilet. I had to go so badly by the time I reached the door that I forgot to knock. Twisting the knob, I pushed it open and stepped inside.
That’s when I saw Lisa.
She was standing in front of the sink with a towel wrapped around her body. Her wet hair rested in curled clumps against her slim shoulders. Her arms were crossed over her chest. When I looked up, I caught sight of her glare.
“Knock much?” she snapped, one eyebrow raised.
I stumbled backwards, slamming awkwardly into the bathroom door. “Lisa,” I said, throwing my hands in front of my face. “I’m sorry,”
“Roy, please get out of the bathroom before I scream.” Lisa said. She sounded calm, but I knew she wasn’t.
“Okay,” I said, fumbling for the doorknob, trying to escape without opening my eyes.
“Get out Roy,” she repeated. “Get out!”
“Okay, I am—I will,” I mumbled, finally able to find the doorknob and yank open the bathroom door. Stumbling into the hallway, I barely had time to turn around before Lisa had slammed the door closed again.
I stared at the wood, my face fully heated with embarrassment. “…Lisa…” I said through the door.
“Yes Roy?” she responded.
“I…I have to…uh…” I faltered. I wasn’t supposed to say anything yet. I hadn’t knocked. Clenching my jaw, I raised my fist and hit the door several times, gently.
“What is it, Roy?” she asked.
“I have to use the bathroom,” I finally managed to say it.
“No, Roy. Go away.”
But, I really needed to use the bathroom.
“I’ll be out in a minute.” Lisa added. She didn’t sound as upset as she was a second ago when I saw her in the towel.
“…Okay…” I nodded. I backed up and leaned against the wall, waiting. A few minutes later I heard someone coming up the stairs.
It was Pam. When she spotted me, her face lit up. “There you are!” she called, marching toward me. “Come back downstairs so I can get those hands warmed up.”
“B-but I—” I pointed at the bathroom door.
Pam shook her head. “Lisa won’t be out of there for a while. There’s time. Come on,” she motioned for me to follow her toward the stairs.
With one last long look at the bathroom door, I turned and followed Pam down the hallway and back downstairs to the kitchen, where she wasted no time in taking off the coat James had given me. I stood still and watched as she rolled up my sleeves and then shoved my hands under the hot water pouring from the faucet.
“There.” She said, still smiling. “That will warm you up in no time.”
The sensation of warmth spread up from my fingers, and then into my hands and arms. It hurt at first, but then my fingers started to warm up again.
But then I felt the warmth come from somewhere else, and soak into my pants. I froze, horrified.
Before Pam realized what I had done, Lisa came down the stairs. I turned toward her slowly, removing my hands from the water. She stopped when she saw me and started to smile. After a second, her eyes fell and she saw…it.
My heart pounded, my head hurt, and I just wanted to hide.
“Uh, Aunt Pam, I need your help.” Lisa suddenly said.
“I’m busy with dinner,” Pam replied.
I clenched my fists at my sides, too embarrassed to speak. My hands were red. Water dripped from them, landing on the floor in the mess I'd made.
“Yeah, but I need to show you this thing that I did. On a canvas. In my studio. Like, now.” Lisa insisted, coming over and taking hold of Pam’s arm. “Right now.” She pulled Pam away from the sink and away from me. I watched them go and then hurried to turn off the water before I made a bigger mess.
A moment later, Lisa came back into the kitchen with a towel. She dropped it at my feet and grabbed my hand. “Come on,” she said, pulling me toward the stairs.
I wanted to concentrate on the fact that she was holding my hand. But I couldn’t. All I could think about was…it.
Lisa led me up the stairs, down the hallway and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind us. She let go of my hand and I took several steps back, unable to look at her. This was worse than when she had seen me without my clothes on. This was so much worse.
“I’m so sorry, Roy,” she said. Her words startled me. I glanced up. She was chewing her lip, her brown eyes all watery and sad. “That was my fault. I didn’t realize you…I didn’t realize it was so urgent.” She said, her eyes widening at the word as she shook her head.
I looked back down at the red shoes on my feet, unable to speak.
“Let me help you,” she offered, tossing the shower curtain aside and turning on the water. “I’ll wash your clothes and stuff while you take a shower.”
I glanced at the running water and moaned, stepping away from it.
“Do you still...? Right.” She stepped backward toward the door, nodding in understanding. “I’ll be outside if you need me, okay?” she had already shut the door before I could answer.
With Lisa out of the room, I went to the toilet and finished what I had started downstairs. After that, I turned back to the shower and watched the water, not knowing what I was supposed to do next. Was I supposed to get in there? I didn’t want to get all wet. But I did need to take off these clothes.
Bending down, I removed the shoes James had given me, along with my other clothes. Stripped down to my skin, I stood in front of the shower and tried to decide what to do.
What was a shower for, anyway?
“You okay in there, Roy?” I heard Lisa called through the door.
“I…I don’t know what to do!” I called back, shivering as I stood outside the steam pouring from the shower.
“Well…haven’t you ever had a shower before?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“I’ll take that as a no.” she mumbled.
“What?” I called. I could barely hear her over the water. When she didn’t answer, I approached the door and pulled it open a crack. She was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, staring at the floor.
“What’s a shower?” I asked, unable to stop my teeth from chattering.
Lisa’s eyes shot up at once. Her mouth fell open.
“…N-never m-mind,” I said, shaking my head.
Lisa came forward and put her hand on the door. “Maybe I…maybe I should come in.”
I shook my head, hard. I didn’t want her to see me without my clothes again. Once was enough. I tried to close the door, but she wouldn’t let me.
“Just, wait a second, Roy. I’ll help you, but you have to let me in there. I promise I won’t look.” She said. “I don’t want to see you naked any more than you want me to see you naked.”
I frowned, puzzled.
“Just let me in.” she said.
I shook my head again.
“Roy,” she frowned.
“…I don't want to…” I responded in a small voice.
Lisa sighed in frustration, and then nodded. “Alright. Fine. Quick guide to shower-taking then. Step in, lather up, rinse off, grab a towel and you’re done.”
I blinked.
“Just get under the water, use some soap to wash all the dirt out of your hair and off of your skin, and then rinse under the water. That’s all there is to it, okay?” she said, looking up at me with concern tinging her features.
“Okay.” I said, with a small nod. Then I shut the door.
Following Lisa’s instructions, I stepped under the water. The warm tendrils of steam swirled around me like the fog outside, chasing the cold from my skin. I stood still under the stream, not wanting to move. This was the most amazing thing I’d ever felt.
After a while, I remembered that standing under the water wasn’t the only thing I was supposed to do.
Rubbing the water from my eyes, I glanced around the shower and looked for soap. What did soap look like? I’d used sanitizer in my old room, never soap.
On the wall to the left of the hot water handle was a small shelf. Several bottles were crammed onto the surface, along with a small green square-shaped block. I picked up the block first and brought it to my nose, taking a deep whiff of a sharp, strong scent that burned my nose. Wincing, I put it back, picking up one of the bottles instead.
I used both thumbs to pop the cap off the top of the bottle and then slowly brought it to my nose, more cautious this time. Taking a careful sniff, I felt my eyes widen.
I recognized this scent.
Whatever was in the bottle smelled like my pillow had this morning, after Lisa’s head had rested against it. Inhaling deeply, I took another long sniff and then turned the bottle upside down, watching wide-eyed as a thick, pink substance puddled in my hand. I smelled it again before rubbing it onto my head and then down my neck and shoulders.
Excited, I watched the pink substance quickly turn into white foam as I rubbed it against my skin. I smiled and eagerly turned the bottle upside down, holding it over my head and squeezing it. It felt cold as it trickled into my hair and ran down my neck and back.
I kept squeezing the bottle until it made a sad, sputtering noise. It was empty. Setting it down, I wrapped my arms around myself and stood outside of the water stream, enjoying the sweet scent and letting it soak into my skin. I wanted that scent to stay. It smelled like Lisa, and now I smelled like her too.
I wouldn’t have gotten back under the water at all if Lisa hadn’t told me to rinse off the soap. I hoped that the stuff in the bottle was soap, but it didn’t matter. I felt clean and I was happy that I didn’t smell like sweat and mud anymore.
I hoped Lisa would notice I was clean. I hoped it would make her happy, too.
Climbing out of the shower, I shook the water from my hair and brushed the droplets from my arms and chest. As I passed in front of the mirror, I glanced at my reflection. I hadn’t looked at myself in a long time—not since before this morning. The boy in the glass looked back at me with smiling blue eyes.
Leaning closer, I noticed how different I looked. All the dark circles were gone from under my eyes. Reaching up, I felt the smooth skin on my cheekbone where a shard of glass from the crash had cut me—now completely healed. My skin didn’t look as translucent either.
Standing back, my eyes ran down my body, over the lean muscles of my arms and abdomen. Lisa said I had nice abs. I stared at them, wondering what she meant. Didn’t everyone have nice abs?
Puzzled, I shrugged and glanced at the set of clean clothes sitting on the edge of the sink. Lisa must have left them there for me. I reached for them and pulled them on. I’d just finished dressing when a knock at the door made me jump.
When I pulled open the door, I was smiling. I don’t know how, but I knew that it was Lisa before I even opened the door. Just as I thought, she was standing in the hallway, her arms crossed over a thin cotton shirt. Her hair was piled on top of her head and twisted into a knot. Shorter waves had fallen out of the knot and rested softly against her cheeks. I wanted to reach out and touch it.
Instead, I reached up and touched my own hair excitedly, rubbing my hands into the shaggy brown tangles. “I’m all clean,” I told her happily.
“Feel better?” she asked, smiling back.
I nodded, waiting.
After a second, Lisa’s expression became confused. “What’s that?” she asked slowly, glancing past me at the empty bottle lying on the floor inside the shower.
“I smell like you now,” I told her, unable to hide my grin.
Lisa pushed passed me and walked over to the bottle, picking it up and turning it upside down. My face fell as I saw her smile disappear.
“My shampoo,” she said, turning toward me and holding the bottle up. “You used all of my shampoo!”
I stared at her face, my earlier enthusiasm completely gone. “You’re angry,” I said softly, my voice filled with regret.
“The bottle was full, Roy.” She insisted, tossing her free hand up in frustration. “Why did you use the whole thing?”
“I-I’m—”
“No sorry, this time Roy. Tell me why you used all my shampoo.” She ordered impatiently.
I should have explained, but no words would come. I hadn’t expected her to be angry. I hadn’t expected her to yell at me. I didn’t like to be yelled at. I couldn’t think when someone yelled at me.
“Roy,” she said again.
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think.
So, I ran away.