Ces: My first In A Heartbeat fanfic! I never thought of Sherwin being a clumsy little shit. Rather, I see him someone who walks like he owns the place but because of his anxiety he thinks he's a clumsy little shit when actually he slay.
Either way, please enjoy this fanfic!
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Don't Hide, Please
Third Person's POV
It was a beautiful day. That amazing and nerve-wrecking day. Sherwin always looked at him from a far. Waking up early, going to school earlier than the janitor himself; it is all worth it if he has that charming brunette all to him only. Although, he never actually never got to talk to him nor even stand beside him in a 1 feet radius, no, that never happened. He is already thankful to be alive and live in the same city and breath the same oxygen with him. But if it did, his own heart will pop out and will do anything to be touched or noticed by that charming man.
However, things didn't go as usual that day when his heart, Shirley, who Sherwin took liberty on naming his own bloody heart, couldn't handle the need and affections it has for this man, who the whole school known as a "Prince Charming", Jonathan.
When his heart just pops out from seeing him walking, with an apple on his hand and book he is so busy reading to. It squealed and flew right in his hand, where the apple should've been.
And—we all know what happened next.
Sherwin sighed heavenly, still remembering the horrifying and loveliest moments yesterday. He could still feel Jonathan's warmth around his hands when he puts back the other half of Shirley. Especially the part where his face is so close to Jonathan's. He can see how those beautiful ocean-like eyes can be dangerously deadly. He always liked his eyes, half-lidded when reading and how it shines when the morning sun reflecting in them. It shines so beautifully and he is somewhat thankful that Shirley helped him experience that one day of a roller coaster ride.
He giggled at his own thoughts and felt his skin crawl at the memories, not in a bad way though, the shivers are good. He feels like today is going to be a great day.
His trail of happy thoughts stopped when he noticed the time on his phone.
"Oh geez—" Sherwin is late! Well, not "class late" but late to see Jonathan arrive at school!
Sherwin ran with his all might, even attracting some dogs on chasing him but once he arrived at the school, he lost them. He panted as he placed his hands on his knees, exhausted and the day haven't even started! He cursed the dogs mentally and wished that he won't be able to bump into them later. Because, damn, he won't let anything ruin his good mood today! While catching his breath, his shoulders shake to notice the cold autumn air passing by him.
No wonder he felt slightly chilly today, although the leaves haven't fallen yet, it feels like autumn is already here. He stood up and looked at the cloudy sky, his favorite weather of all times. He smiled softly when he heard birds chirping, as if right above his head.
He kept that smile on and went to that tree which here it all started. Although the teachers told him to not sit nor walk on the grass, he still does and even got himself sent to the office for not listening. Even with the threat of calling his parents, he still sits in the grass and the teachers just gave up scolding him every single day. That was the only time he's been stubborn and felt victorious to be selfish for once in his life.
He checked the time and noticed that he still has 3 minutes before Jonathan arrives and he couldn't wait! He sat on the fresh mown grass, letting his hands land on that morning dew and his head leaning on the trunk of the tree, loving his peaceful moment before everything started for this day. Breathing slowly and even, still has that smile of his, he felt a noise and blinked his eyes open and his nose twitches like a bunny.
When he saw no one at his eye-level he looked down in hesitance to see the common tree squirrel who inhabited the tree he is leaning on now. His little smile widens, "o-oh! Nutty!" He exclaimed, happy.
The squirrel or Nutty, that Sherwin also named because he has no friends and has too much time in his hands, made its chirpy-kind of a sound. He has an acorn on his little, grabby hands. His nose twitched and munched on his acorn in silent in front of him. As if this was a routine, every single day.
Which it is, Sherwin pulled out his sketch pad and pencil. He has always been an artistic guy. He loves art. He loves music. He loves poems, stories, words. He loves putting his feelings into his works. Inside the pad is a compilation of his own-made poems, songs that are unfinished and mostly sketches. Although the poems, songs and most of the sketches are about Jonathan. Lovesick poems about he yearns to be noticed. Songs about how beautiful and strong he is. And of course, sketches of Jonathan, reading, walking, putting stuff in his locker, everything that Sherwin can remember.
Sometimes he asked himself if he's obsessed because his actions are not normal, well, for him , at the least. Although a part of him always assures him that he's just in love, a bit too much and a bit too early but destiny made him fall in love that way.
Did I mention that he rather believes in fate, destiny and coincidence than God?
He always despised God. That heavenly person above the clouds haven't given him any great things since he was born. When his mother was pregnant, his father left her because he doesn't want a child with her. His mother did everything to survive him in any way, to the extent working even though she's pregnant. When he was born, her mother nearly died but held on to see her son grow up. To see Sherwin, grow up to be an awkward, nervous-wreck, a scaredy-cat and most of all, gay.
He hated himself when he found out he was gay. It was too soon. It was too early. He isolated himself, knowing if he distances himself from others, he'll be normal.
But, he didn't.
And that's where, Jonathan came in and made everything feel right again.
Sherwin let out a lovesick smile as he gazes lovingly at the sketch of Nutty. That's why he knew, he's in love. He was stupid enough to let himself fall in love and to the most handsome person possibly in the entire planet.
Then, after one stroke to finish the tail, he froze.
What if Jonathan took pity of him that time?
A sudden rush of chills came at the back of his spine. It's only normal after all, to take pity after being semi-closeted out by your own bloody heart in front the huge crowd not to mention the school he's attending is a private school and also a Christian school. It's normal to take pity.
Sherwin hates pity.
One thing you should never do to him is pity. He sees his mother being pitied by their neighbors every time they are suffering from finance or food. He loathed the looks on their neighbors, the look of dismay and concerned. That's why he worked hard not to be a burden. He did everything to the extent working during weekends and aiming for the top in exams, quizzes, activities, everything.
As long that they or rather, he wasn't pitied anymore.
But, what if Jonathan did pity? What if he took the other half of the heart and brought it back to him because of pity? What if he smiled because of pity?
Sherwin gripped on his pencil and felt his body shudder at the swirling thoughts in his mind. He couldn't focus. He couldn't see anything but darkness and those people, looking down to him, pitying him, underestimating him.
He gritted on his teeth and covered his face, leaning hard at the tree, startling the small squirrel and even dropping his nut. He muffled a scream on those hands and let few of his tears fall.
He stopped when he heard the usual screech of the car tires in front of the campus. He gasped and quickly wipes his tears and climbed up on the tree, wishing he is hidden well-enough per usual. He peeked out from the branches and saw the black car, the one that sends him to school, Jonathan opens the passenger door with his backpack at his back and gets out from the car.
Sherwin can feel the tears threatening to fall again while his smile let's out a loopy smile.
Jonathan sighed and breathed in the cold air. He was staring intently at the tree, as if waiting for someone pop out. Maybe a certain red-head, I suppose?
"Sir Jonathan," the driver called out, Jonathan sighed and hated his name, he turns to him, "I'll be picking you up at 3 o'clock." He reminded.
Jonathan nodded and stepped away from the car, he turns away and proceed walking inside the campus. The car left in a jippy. Normally, he just waits in the library, he has a key for it since the librarian is used to him going in early, he reads a lot of books but mostly fictional. Unless he's in his house, he reads school books.
He stopped at the tree, looking at it intently for the first time in forever.
After that day, he hasn't been functional at all. Once he got home yesterday, he went to his room, placed his bag on his study desk and laid, face first, on his bed. He wasn't functioning at all. He didn't finish the books he needs to finish. He just laid there, contemplating, pondering how cute Sherwin was close-up.
To be honest, he didn't get much sleep.
He let out a small smile and went inside the school, noticing nothing.
Sherwin let out a huge gulp of air once Jonathan is inside and out of sight. He slowly went down and met up with Nutty who is still waiting for him, he shook his head and muttered, "oh, Nutty.. What am I going to do now?" He asked, helpless.
The squirrel only twitched his nose as an answer.
Sherwin smiled sadly at that, "I don't want to get hurt..."
*=*
It was lunch time and Sherwin wasn't in the mood to go in the cafeteria and eat there because he knows that Jonathan will be there, eating with the rest of his friends. He grimaced at the word he used, after all, he knows that they aren't friends more or less, they stick close to Jonathan for popularity. Which annoys him very much. He sighed heavily. Today, he planned to not make any contact to Jonathan today. No eye contact, no accidental skin brushing, not even being the same room with him!
He doesn't want to be pitied, to be asked once they saw each other, "are you okay?", "is someone bothering you?". He doesn't like that. He feels like a huge burden when someone is concerned about his well-being. He's fine, he's alright; he won't let himself get hurt.
Another group of students came inside the room, making the bustling noise inside louder. Sherwin rolled his eyes, he took his paper bag with sandwich and left the room without any mutter of words. He walked silently at the hallways, hands at the side, on holding the bag and head lowered, just in case that Jonathan was lurking anywhere he won't be noticed.
He went at the back of the school, a small space at the left side of the building, that's where he hides out. Before getting there, you have to squeeze yourself in to the bushes and have to suffer scratches on your ankles and dirt on your pants but it's worth it if you love some space and quiet.
He finally got to that small place. He sighed heavenly when the noises and chatters he heard earlier are now gone and can only feel the cold air in his cheeks and the clouds up in the sky, calmly passing by the sun occasionally. He leans on the wall, placing his hands at the sides and let this silence overwhelm him. He loves silence. He loves not being the center of attention. He loves to be alone—but not always alone, obviously. He just loves his "me" time which is always.
Sherwin smiled at the chirping birds nearby the tree. He grabbed his paper bag and pulled out a sandwich. It wasn't that great. But it's his mother's sandwich. He took a bite and let out a satisfied sigh.
It was a tuna sandwich.
*=*
"That's odd.." Jonathan muttered under his breath, worried and confused.
He's in the cafeteria, eating lunch with the group of "friends" he has. All of them are laughing, chatting or gossiping about almost everything to the extent they even involved climate change in the conversations. And he hated it. They should know that climate change is a serious thing, Jonathan thought, irritated. While having mixed emotions about everything that is happening right at this moment, someone nudged his elbow.
He blinked.
"Hey, what's happening?" It was his cousin, Janice. She smiled patiently as she waits for his answer.
Like Jonathan, Janice is rich and quite possibly the smartest kid in the school; she even beat Jonathan in one contest! Although, he purposely missed that last question thinking that it might lower his popularity but it turned the other way around. As said earlier too, she is his cousin and possibly the only person who he can only talk to properly.
Jonathan sighed heavily, "I haven't seen him all day..." He muttered as he poked his corn cob.
And yes, Janice knows about Sherwin.
"Well, that's sad."
"You're getting good in your sarcasm."
Janice laughed and pats his back which made Jonathan straighten up. For a 14-year old girl, she has a huge strength. "I am, aren't I?" She chuckled.
That didn't made Jonathan happy though, he just nodded.
Janice winced at the sulky expression. She always wondered what this brilliant cousin of her saw in that clumsy red-head. She sighed heavily and faced her lunch, "did you searched for him?"
"No.."
"Isn't that what they usually do when they want to see someone?"
Jonathan bites his lip, "things are still kind of awkward about yesterday... so—"
Janice stared stupidly at him, "so, what? Just because of that you won't find him?" Her voice got a little higher because of this stupidity.
And Jonathan knows that completely. He sweat dropped and instinctively raised both of his hands in front of him, as if guarding himself from any future punches or slaps. He knows that his cousin has a short fuse about stupidity and he knows that she always wears violence on her sleeves. He learned his lesson three years ago.
"Okay, okay! I'll search for him later!" He exclaimed, following a shaky laugh.
Janice smirked and continue eating her lunch, "good." She answered, Jonathan relaxed.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, he always goes home late so, just a pro tip." She muttered.
Jonathan smiled at that pro tip, "oh my god, thank you, Jan!"
She only smiled and wished for the best.
*=*
Classes had ended quickly than expected to be for Sherwin. He even noticed that he wasn't even paying attention to the teacher! Luckily, he wasn't that very noticeable since he's by the corner at the front. The teacher only looks straight ahead and never to his side. He sighed in relief as the bell rings indicating for the day to end. That made the students scramble on their feet, getting their things and leaving the teacher as he makes the final announcements even though he knows that nobody is listening to him. Well, except for Sherwin who yawns and make a mental note about what the teacher said.
He stood up from his seat, taking his bag and the book with him. He didn't bat an eye to his teacher.
Before he even steps out the room, that said teacher called out for him, "Uhm—Sherwin?"
Sherwin stopped on his tracks and looked at him, eyebrows raised, "yes, sir?"
The teacher or we'll like to call Mr. Russ smiled at him, "could you please help me carry these books to the library?" He requested.
Sherwin doesn't really want to and it still bugs his mind that what kind of Chemistry teacher likes books? Especially historical books? He pushed that thought once again. He nodded, has no choice either way.
"Okay." He answered as he put his book inside his bag and took a few books on his hands. He carried six books in front of him, he maintained his balance and huffed. He cheered for himself.
Mr. Russ chuckled at him, "thanks a lot, my boy." He said and leads the way to the library.
Now that Sherwin finally catches up to the happenings, he was suddenly nervous. He's nervous that he might see Jonathan at the library or rather he might bump to him right at this second! Anxiety struck him like lightning, he shrinks behind the books in front of him, sweating and shaking.
Mr. Russ noticed this and hums, "So, Sherwin—how's your day?" He asked.
Sherwin peeked at him, "u-uh-uh.. E-Every-Everything i-is good.."
"Ahh—Children are very lucky, indeed." The teacher agreed, putting a sad façade.
That piqued Sherwin's interest. "W-Why?" He questioned, "I-I think tha-that adults a-are the o-ones who-who's lucky." He shared.
Mr. Russ smiled at him, "Ah ahh- that's where you are wrong, bucko!" He exclaimed, "adults have it very tough! After college, if you don't find a job soon after, you'll be a bugger!" He said with a scary voice.
It made Sherwin laugh a bit. Mr. Russ felt a bit proud that he made one of his best students laugh. He winked, "before you even know it there will be a rumor about you being a fag!" He stated.
That statement went through Sherwin's head and it sent chills down to his spine. Without even thinking about it, he asked, "di-did they--?"
"Oh, they did, my boy."
Sherwin can see the pang of pain flash through his teacher's eyes.
"However, not that I care! I am one though." Mr. Russ chuckled under his breath, as if telling Sherwin to keep it a secret.
That shook Sherwin. He stopped on his tracks and has his eyes widen at him, shocked, "se-seriously?"
Mr. Russ only nodded. "The school doesn't know it but few rumors has started to spread but since it's just a rumor after all!" He exclaimed, "nothing can kick me out of this place if I continue to lie."
Sherwin knows his point. He nodded and followed his tracks, "b-but—don't you feel scared? Th-That someone might kno-know?" He questioned, softness oozing on his voice.
"Oh, I'm terrified."
"I-I see.."
"Still I rather lie than be pitied to."
Sherwin almost tripped over the words that spill. So, he's like me too? He thought. That made his chest tight and painful. He always thought that he's the only one who hates being pitied. It is a small world, indeed. He laughed at himself.
"Sherwin, listen to me," Mr. Russ said, serious. Sherwin looked at him, sweat dropping, "and listen to me well." He pressed.
"Don't ever let anyone know you weak."
With those words, they arrived in front of the library. They entered with a heavy silence between them. Sherwin shocked and most of all, confused on what the hell does that teacher means. Still those words kept repeating on his head like a broken tape recorder and—
It's taunting him.
Mr. Russ told him to leave the books on the table and he'll handle the rest. The teacher thanked him and told him to be careful on his way home like a good teacher he is. Acting like he just didn't threatened Sherwin. He sweat dropped and said bye to the teacher and left the library. Luckily on the other hand, Jonathan wasn't there. That made him look on the wall clock to see it was after 3:30 already.
He must have gone home, Sherwin thought.
With that affirmation and confidence on him. Sherwin went out of the school with a relieved chest and mind, not caring about what's happening on his surroundings. He walked out the hallways and in the outside world. He breaths in and still smell the smoke of the city, he irked.
He was on his way out from the campus until ---
"Sherwin!"
The said man froze on his tracks. Holy shit, he thought, going pale.
Jonathan panted when he was able to make him stop from walking. He stood a few feet away from him and it feels rather huge after what all happened. Still he straightened up and smiled at his back, "h-hey—I haven't seen you the whole day!" He said, sounding concerned.
Sherwin has to say something he knows that. But air wasn't going anywhere with him, especially the blood on his face. He couldn't face him and all the thoughts just came rushing in and it's killing him one by one.
Jonathan knew something is wrong quickly. Once he saw that the red-head's shoulder shook and his hands clenched, there was something definitely wrong. He's worried and ran may things that can make him upset or something—but one thing did, the bullies.
Just thinking about it makes him mad. "Sherwin—"
"I-I'm so-sorry.." He heard him say under his shaking breath.
That made him blink in surprise, "w-what for?" What does this mean? He thought, suddenly terrified.
"I- just- I c-can't bring my-myself to look a-at yo-you right now—" Sherwin stammered, it was obvious that he's trembling and just by the stutters.
"Sherwin? Did I do something wrong?" Jonathan asked, straightforward. If there was something wrong, he needs to know!
There was no answer on the red-head.
That only made Jonathan worry more. As much as he looks calm on the outside, this hateful façade that he hates so much has been his face always. All negative thoughts came rushing in and he just felt sorry for himself. He swallowed and approached Sherwin, "Sher—" he grabbed his shoulder to turn him to see his face. To his surprise, tears were already streaming down to his face.
Jonathan paled, confused.
"I-I don't—want your pi-pity, Jon—" Sherwin whispered through clenched teeth, "ple-please just-just don't talk t-to me.." He begged.
Jonathan just stood there, speechless. He couldn't think. He couldn't muster to say one letter, one syllable. He's just—nothing.
Sherwin sniffled and clenched his chest. It was getting harder to breath, "you-you don't have to lo-look for me—you do-don't have to pro-protect me from them—I-I can handle myself!" He exclaimed, serious and strong.
He doesn't need any knight in shining armor to protect him. He can handle himself. He's strong like his mother. Not a coward like his father. "I don't need pity—so please, don't give me that look." He whispered, looking down with a neutral look on his face, just looking at his tears fall down from his eyes to his chin.
"Is-Is that why you've been avoiding me the whole day?" Jonathan questioned, pain oozing from his words.
Sherwin nodded. So, he noticed, he thought painfully.
"You thought that I did all that just because I pitied you?"
"Ye-yes.."
That clears out some things to Jonathan.
"Why on earth will I ever pity you?"
Sherwin's eyes widen, shocked by those words. He looked up to him, eyes meeting the other's warm blue ones. He swallowed, "wha-what do you me-mean—"
"Come on, Sherwin!" Jonathan shouted, gleefully. "Why would I ever pity someone like you?" He pressed, "have you seen yourself walk in the hallways? Have you ever realized that you walk with your back straight, shoulders squared and chin up? You walk like you own the place! You walk like you have the power to incinerate anyone!" He couldn't keep himself to shut up. After all, this is one of the reasons why he fell for the guy.
Sherwin redden, "wha-what—"
"Have you ever questioned yourself why you're always being picked on?"
"O-Obviously! Be-Because I-I'm weak—"
Jonathan made a buzzer noise signaling his answer is wrong, "nope! It's the other way around!" He cries, "they bully you because of your smug face!"
That makes total no sense for Sherwin and that shows to his face. Which made Jonathan laugh out loud, showing his true self bit by bit. Sherwin was at awe at his laugh, never has he heard him laugh so genuinely.
"They are so irritated by your smug every time you walk the damn halls. They want you to be that kid who's weak and helpless which you are definitely not!" Jonathan sighed helplessly.
He grabbed Sherwin's face, brushing his thumb over his cheek, "you have no idea how strong you are—you might not see it but you are. Hiding behind that anxiety of yours when you're actually stronger and witty than others.." His eyes showed those heartfelt emotions all in one blow, "those things—that's what makes you different to others and that's why I fell for you.."
Sherwin went beet red by the ton of compliments that are thrown to him and especially to the sudden confession that he didn't expect. He has no idea what to do! Not with this space between him and Jonathan. He obviously can't think properly.
"Sherwin.. I really, really like you—" Jonathan whispered, "so please-please—don't ever say that you won't talk to me ever again..."
The Latino trembled at the thought but his chest relieved. He finally got those words out of his chest. He leans on the red-head's shoulder, remembering his scent of books, cinnamon and violets. His hands went down to the thin arms of the other, gripping him tight and shaking. "—please..."
Sherwin can feel his eyes go wet again. He bites his lower lip, scolding himself for being an idiot. For making all the decisions by himself. For being afraid when he doesn't need to. He's strong and this person in front of him now said so too. He believes him for that. He closes his eyes and let out a shaky breath.
He really does.
"O-Okay.. I won't."
Jonathan looks down on him, happy and relieved, "re-really? You won't?"
Sherwin smiled clumsily, "Yes." His eyes soften at those relieved-looking expression plastered on the other's face, "I'm sorry that I ignored you the whole day.." He apologized, guilty.
Jonathan laughed airly at that. "Forget about that. It's fine, I forgive you even before this all happens." He said, smiling until his ears.
Sherwin softens at that. This time, without even caring anymore, he leans on Jonathan for a hug. He clenched his shirt at the back, tightening the hug as if he never wants to let go. Because he never wants to. Jonathan smiles at his hair and returned the hug with the same assurance and tight, he placed a light kiss on his temple and leans deep on the massive red curls on the other's head.
"Thank you, Jonathan.."
"Anything for you, Sherwin."
*=*
Ces: A fluffy ending! Votes and comments are appreciated!
Words: 4682