by percywinchester27 on tumblr
Word count: 2800-ish
Pairing: Dean X Reader
Warning: Pregnancy, Panic attack, There's another trigger but I don't want to give it away, so please maybe check the ending?(I've put the warning there), ANGST, some fluff at the end?
Song Prompt: "You" by Switchfoot. It's a beautiful song guys, listen to it!
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"We're here," your sister announced huffing slightly as she shoved the door aside. You immediately rushed forward to push the door further.
"How many times do I have to tell you to not push stuff like that?" You admonished her.
"It's no big deal Y/N," she said, walking into the health facility and heading towards the counter, "It's just that the lil' one is a bit feisty today." You smiled as she lovingly touched her swollen belly.
Your elder sister was almost eight months pregnant and that was why you were here in the diagnostic centre, to accompany her for a sonography she had scheduled. She took a seat in the waiting area after confirming the appointment with the receptionist and you sat down opposite to her. You looked around. The place was stark, white and clinical, every bit as boring as you had expected it to be.
"Why am I here again?" You asked, before continuing sarcastically, "Yeah right, because Steve's a dick."
"It's not like that," she said. "He had to be at work today." She sighed.
Yeah, basically a dick, you wanted to say, who the fuck prioritizes earning money over getting to see their baby? Good for her that the bunker was just a couple hour's drive from where she stayed. It was a total coincidence that you had called her and she'd mentioned about the appointment.
"I wanted you to see your nephew/niece too, Y/N."
You smiled a little, the whole pregnancy thing was... well, not your cup of tea.
"Oh look," your sister gasped.
"What? Where?" Your hunter's instinct kicked in as you looked around wildly, your hand immediately finding the sheathed knife tucked in the waistband of your jeans.
"My stomach, Y/N." Your sister sounded resigned. "Why are you always so jumpy?"
What were you going to tell her? That it was your reflex because you hunt monsters with your boyfriend and his brother? And stay in this old and cryptic bunker full of books on apparently non-existing mythology and lore? So you kept your mouth shut and paid attention to what she was pointing at.
"Oh god Lee, is that supposed to happen?" Your hand flew to your mouth. There were movements on the surface of her belly, like a miniscule tide running beneath the surface of the cloth covered skin.
Your sister only laughed. "Yeah Y/N, the baby is supposed to move."
It was a different feeling, warmth and love combined with a tingly trepidation. You loved Lee with everything that you had, there was a good 10 years age gap between you but she'd always been your best friend, your closest confident. She had been more of a mother to you than your sister, so seeing her like this, almost glowing with happiness made you happy too. You knew she'd make a great mother to one hell of a lucky kid.
"Can I feel the baby?" You asked nervously.
"Of course," she encouraged, pulling your hand and placing it over the baby bump. For a few seconds nothing happened, then there was a slight movement beneath the stretched skin and squealed, jumping up from your seat. "The baby moved, it moved."
It was the weirdest feeling in the entire damn world, to feel something inside of someone but you were so happy for your sister than you couldn't help but smile wider. Briefly you wondered what it must be to have a life inside you, but you quickly banished thought.
The nurse came in then asking Lee to step into the changing room, so she could get dressed in the scrubs before the sonography.
"We've been only talking about me Y/N, you've got to tell me more about your green eyed bad boy," she smirked as she stood up.
"We have all the time," you blushed. "Go get changed, I'll see you inside."
"I'll be the one in blue," she winked, slipping into the changing room behind the nurse.
You laughed to yourself. Your sister had been the first to know about Dean when the two of you had started dating. Of course she didn't really know who he was or what he did, but after meeting him, she'd agreed with you that a sexier man probably didn't exist. You leaned back in your chair thinking about the total coincidence it was to meet the Winchesters. You had been in the final year of your college when one of your friends had been killed in the locked dormitory. Needless to say, you had been devastated, but the two unusually attractive FBI agents who had come to investigate the matter seemed to ask weird questions. You still remembered your confusion when they had asked you about seeing black smoke or if there had been the smell of rotten eggs. That night you had found them lurking around the hostel and after threatening to call the actual police on them, they had finally confessed to who they actually were.
That one day had turned your life around. Not only had you helped the Winchesters with finding the demon who had gotten to your friend, but you had decided to stick around with them. At first, you never got along with Dean, he was too good looking for anyone's benefit and being around him always had you riled up like a coil. On his part, he could never understand why you'd like to leave behind a completely normal, apple-pie life and jump willingly into this mess that was hunting. You got his point though because you had heard all the gruesome back stories about other hunters and the revenge that had gotten them into this life. The Winchester's story wasn't a fairy tale either, so it was easy for you to understand his annoyance.
You on the other hand, had been raised into an ideal family of doctors and lawyers. Your father had been a physicist in his days and was now enjoying a quiet retired life along with your mother who baked everyday to keep herself busy. Both of your siblings were settled and you couldn't have been happier for them. You'd told them your job required you to travel a lot and was in the public service department. It wasn't technically a lie, but it sure stopped their queries about where you lived. You had always been the odd man out, wanting to help people and wanting to be adventurous. Whether Dean got it or not, the hunter's life suited you perfectly and what was more? You had turned out to be a natural, quick learner with deadly instincts. It had come as a shock even to you.
Over time, Dean had begrudgingly accepted that you were good at hunting, and started respecting your choices. You had... well not exactly gotten used to the hotness, but well, accepted it. It wasn't Dean's fault that he made you weak in the knees, and you decided to not hold it against him. Once the two of you actually got past that, there was no stopping the endless flirting, until one day, Sam had had enough and locked you in one room. But that's a story for another time.
Dean was the perfect boyfriend anyone could ask for. He had accepted you for who you were, with your every fault and flaw; you had given up on that hope ages ago. When he had whispered those three words to you one morning, hot and sweaty, after revering you all night long, you had looked away from him, letting the guilt seep into your bones. It was shortly after that night that you had finally confessed to him... crying into his arms... and he had held on to you, letting you know that didn't matter to him, because he truly did love you.
"Miss Y/L/N," the RN called, snapping you out of your thoughts. "We're bringing your sister in. If you could please accompany me this way?"
You quickly got up shaking your head and followed her into a small, dark room. Your sister was already there, lying on her back, peeking up at the monitor. The dim glow was high-lighting her features slightly.
"Eerie, isn't it?" She giggled, stretching out her hand, which you willingly took. Your sister was really excited for this.
The doctor came in then, smiling good-naturedly at the two of you. He briefly explained the procedure and then set to work, squeezing the jelly-like liquid over her belly and pressing the probe over it.
"You see there?" He pointed at an oval shape, it's the baby's head... It seems elongated because we are applying a little pressure up there. And that? That's the brain."
Your sister was squeezing your hand so tightly, it was painful, but you didn't shirk away. Your eyes were glued to the screen in awe. "I see it," you whispered.
The doc moved the probe sideways and then up. "Those tiny wiggling things that you see? Those are the little toes. You've got a kickass baby right here Mrs. Stevens, wouldn't stop moving, this one."
Lee giggled, through the tears that were now oozing out from the corner of her eyes.
"You sure you don't wanna know whether it's a girl or a boy?"
"No Doc, we'd rather it's a surprise." She said, staring into the screen, not wanting to miss a single second.
"As you wish. Ahhh... there it is, strong and healthy." He pointed at a tiny pulsating blob on the screen, "That's the baby's heart..."
"I see it, I see it," Lee squealed, "Y/N?" She shook you out of your shell-shocked posture. "You hear that?" She asked.
"Y...Yeah... I do, Lee... I do," you replied softly. And you could hear the continuous rhythm of the most cherished thing ever, magnified by the Doppler.
Thump thump... thump thump... thump thump...
It was pretty late by the time you got to the bunker. You were expecting both Sam and Dean to be asleep. You had dropped your sister back at her place after buying her a quick dinner. The whole deal had taken up more time than you had expected. You walked slowly down the steps, closing the door to the bunker as quietly as you could. The damn thing still creaked though.
"Y/N?" A voice sounded from the library. Your favorite voice in the world.
You didn't answer, you couldn't.
"Is that you sweetheart?" The voice sounded closer now and Dean appeared beneath the lintel of the archway leading from the foyer to the library.
You walked up to him slowly, aimlessly, till you were right in front of him, looking at him, but not really seeing him.
"Y/N/N?" His hands found your shoulders and he shook you lightly, calling you out. There was a distinct note of panic in his voice. You looked at him then, up until now, it hadn't even registered that he was standing in front of you.
The edges of vision started to shine a little brighter, or where they blacking out? You could feel it now, slowly but steadily, you vision was tunneling, making you feel sick and nauseous to your stomach. All of a sudden you couldn't feel the air, you couldn't even feel your lungs. You tried to take a deep breath but it felt like you were choking up. There was a weird sucking sound. You tried to look around to find the source of that sound, willing the darkness to subside, but floor started to appear closer that should be... approaching towards you faster.
"Whoa... Whoa, Y/N!" Dean's firm hands caught you before you could hit the floor.
"I'm sorry," you managed, but your voice seemed throaty, almost like... like you were suffocating or crying. That's when you realized, that sucking sounds was the sound of your sobs; agonizing and excruciating sobs. "I'm s-sorry, I'm sorry," you kept repeating.
"Shhh... Shhh Y/N/N... It's okay. Sweetheart it's okay... I got you," Dean kept saying, rubbing soothing circles into your back. You never realized when during the whole thing he'd pulled you into his lap. But somehow your head had ended up tucked beneath his chin, your ear pressed to his heart.
Thump thump... thump thump... thump thump...
You cried harder, scaring Dean and he pulled you closer to him, cradling your head in his hands.
"I'm sorry... I'm crying...b-but I can't stop, I'm trying to...," you cried, your breath coming in short bursts. You tried to get yourself under control, tried to calm down enough to at least tell Dean the "Why," but any attempt to calm the onslaught of emotions only brought back all the wrong memories... and you wept harder...
You were 13 and in the doctor's clinical, cold room as he threw around words like polymenorrhea, cysts in ovaries, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. You were young and scared, unable to understand the meaning. What you did understand was what your mother had told you- "It's okay Sweetie, it'll be little painful, but nothing you have to worry about. There are medicines. This doesn't have to mean anything. You'll be fine."
You were 18, back again in the same stark white room, in front of the same doctor. Endometriosis, they said now. You understood things a bit better now. Your mother had asked- "What does it mean?" The doctor had shook his head. Severe case, chances of pregnancy are rare to nil. Your mother had held you that night as you cried, asking the forbidden question- "Why me?" There was no answer to that and your mother knew that. She had cried with you, kissing your brow over and over again, repeating those same old words- "You'll be fine Sweetie, you'll be fine."
You were 28, sitting in the laundry room and Dean hugged you close, enveloping you in his arms. It had been a couple of days since Dean had confessed to loving you, of wanting more with you and you had been avoiding him. Avoiding telling him the truth and facing it yourself. He had somehow cornered you in here while you were doing the laundry, confronting you about the past few days. You had told him then, eventually ending up as a mess on the floor... Not because of your inability to conceive a child, no... you had accepted that. But because you were deadly scared, you would lose the best thing in your life, this... what you had with Dean. He however had only embraced you tighter, whispering words of comfort and promises of still loving you. Nestled in his arms, you had breathed a sigh of relief, reassuring yourself that you'll be fine.
"Quit saying sorry, Y/N," Dean's words pulled you back up. "It's not your fault. It isn't anybody's."
"I feel horrible," you sniffed, making a violent effort to calm down enough to get the words out. "I-I should be happy for her, and I am. And I love the little kid already... b-but... I just... I am a terrible person. I feel angry and frustrated. I know she is happy and she should be, but a small despicable part of me wanted her to understand that I might be hurting a bit too. I am bad. I hate myself for feeling like this."
"Listen to me," Dean said, pushing you back slightly so he could look into your eyes, his brilliant green meeting your Y/E/C. "You're strong and brave and amazing for doing this. You love your sister and she's so damn lucky to have you."
"Then why am I feeling this way? Why does it feel like something is tearing my heart into two?" You lowered your voice then, feeling criminal and wretched. "Why do I want one of my own too?"
"Oh sweetheart, it's okay to feel that way. C'mere..." He pulled you back to him. "I need you to understand that feeling this way doesn't mean you don't love your sister or that you're a bad person. It only means you're human. Someone I love with everything I got. Now, we might not have a kid of our own but we still got each other right?"
You nodded. "You know I haven't really ever considered kids, hell I know that the life we live doesn't really give us that liberty. I-I just would have liked to have an option." It felt like confessing a sin somehow.
"I know what you mean, but it's okay, we could go the Bobby way. We'll be the cool Aunt and Uncle to Lee's and Sammy's kids. We'll teach the kids all the cool stuff like scamming and picking up chicks... huh?"
"Or snubbing handsome, green-eyed boys who are too eager to pick them up," you smiled coyly, drawing patterns on his chest.
"Yeah that too." You could feel him deflating slightly at your smart mouth comeback, the tension leaving his shoulders. "Let's get you into bed now, shall we?"
"Yeah," you replied, suddenly tired. Dean pulled you up, wrapping one arm around your waist, supporting most of your weight and carried you to the room you shared.
You couldn't help but wonder what you would have done without this man. He was your everything and for some inexplicable reason, he felt the same about you too. When you couldn't find the strength to fight off the helplessness, he was there lending it to you. You found love, hope and peace in those beautiful eyes. You found yourself in him.
When you got to the room, he helped you undress for bed, making a quick work of his own clothes and slipped next to you under the sheets. The anxiety and crying from earlier had worn you out more than you knew; you quickly lapsed into a drowsy sleep. Dean's fingers carding softly through your hair were like a talisman and you nestled deeper into him, sighing in contentment. You weren't completely out, but were as close to losing consciousness as you could be without actually being asleep. His lips were ghosting across your forehead felt feather-light, peppering light kisses along the way. It could be a dream, you couldn't be sure, but the last thing you remembered was his lips close to your ears, his breath enticingly hot on your skin.
"I love you, Y/N/N," he whispered, "We'll be fine."
(Spoiler warning for the story: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)