TODAY I'VE BEEN through a myriad of emotions. Some are so familiar. I didn't know what they were fifteen years ago, or maybe I did, but I didn't realize they were normal stages of grief. I've felt guilty for having any kind of emotion other than remorse for Papa. I've gone through five million 'what if' questions.
As I wait for Drew, I mean Stone, to pick me up, I glance in the mirror. I decided to go shopping earlier to try to recreate the outfit that was his favorite. It's a more adult version. White hipster shorts, and a sequined white tank top. It sounds fancy, but it's comfortable, yet dressy.
The back doorbell rings, sending zaps through my entire body, zaps of anticipation and maybe hope. Memaw smiles, "I'm glad you came to your senses and you're going to go see that boy."
I laugh. "He's not really a boy anymore, but yeah. I'm gonna try."
She pauses for a moment, her eyes filling with tears. "He reminds me of your Papa when he was younger."
I purse my lips together and squeeze my eyes closed hoping to control my emotions. The last thing I need is to start the night in tears. He needs to see that I've learned how to deal with the tears, even without him. So I try to think happy thoughts. Memaw sees Papa in Stone. "He does?" I ask.
She nods. "From what I can see, he's the kind of guy who will spend his entire life trying to make the rest of yours a fairy tale. They are rare, Alex. So I hope, for your sake, you can find it in your heart to forgive him for the hurt he once caused you."
The doorbell pings again. I point. "I love you. I better go, though."
She opens her arms to give me a hug, we embrace, and then I walk the short distance to where he's waiting, rather impatiently. Yes, it's hope that I'm feeling along with the nervousness in the pit of my stomach. Hope that I'm walking to my future.
When I open it, Stone's face is hidden behind a huge bouquet of wild flowers. He extends them to me and confesses, "I thought you had backed out for a minute."
I laugh, "Sorry to keep you waiting. Ya know, you're not the only one who doesn't break promises." I wink.
He beams. It's infectious. "You have no idea how loud and welcome that music is to my ears."
I take the flowers from his hands. "I'll just go give these to Memaw –"
Before I can finish the sentence I realize she's behind me because she interrupts, "I'll take those and put them in water. You two better be on your way."
I roll my eyes playfully. Of course she's been listening. "Thank you," I say as I offer them to her, then turn back to walk through the door, pulling it closed on my way out. Stone immediately threads his fingers through mine, leading me across the concrete steps leading to the road. I look around. There's no car. "How'd you get here and where are we going?" I ask, confused.
"I parked at the creek."
Glancing over to his face, I think for a moment he may very well be just as nervous as me. In a way this is like it's always been, but there's something else in the air that I can't place my finger on that makes it slightly awkward. That scares me. It makes me wonder if we've built those three weeks up in our minds to something that wasn't realistic.
My mind continues to ponder that thought as we walk in silence to the creek. It would have been easy to put him on a pedestal since we never fought and he never hurt me. Did I do that? I shake my head trying to get the negative thoughts out of my mind. Soon we're at the creek, and my eyes are drawn to the car parked on the side of the road. It's familiar. "Is that your car?" I ask.
"It's a rental. Why?"
I swallow hard. "You said in your letter that my eulogy was beautiful." Tears threaten the backs of my eyes.
"It was," he squeezes my hand.
"That was you at the graveside?" The words fumble from my mouth as my brain registers the connection. "You were there..."
We both stop in our tracks, and he turns me to face him. "I wanted to be there, but I wanted to respect your wishes."
I glance away. "I'm not mad." I'm anything and everything but mad. My heart is struck with the fact that even in a vehicle so far away that I couldn't make out who he was, my soul was as attracted to him as it had always been. He was the comfort I craved even when I didn't recognize him. "Thank you for coming. I'm sorry I was so ugly to you."
He starts to walk again. "It's okay. You've been through a lot. I can understand why you'd react the way you did."
"That's the understatement of the century. Sometimes I think God thinks I'm superwoman, or something. Yet, I'm still here. So I guess there's some truth in that whole statement about not giving you more than you can handle."
"I always admired your strength," he whispers.
Then it occurs to me that he was even stronger than I thought. "I was so self-absorbed. Ever since reading your letters all I think about is how much you were hurting, too."
Stone points to the poisonous plants, "Watch out for those." I smile as I step around them. "I wanted to tell you, Alex, but I couldn't. I don't want you to feel like it's your fault that you didn't know about me."
In a few seconds we are in our field. There is a picnic blanket with a basket resting on it. There are Tiki torches securing the four corners of the blanket. I draw in a breath. "This is beautiful, it's perfect." I watch as he pulls an iPod from his pocket. He presses a button, and a familiar song starts to play. "Is that The Promise by Tracy Chapman?"
He kisses my cheek, then pulls me into our hidden oasis. "It is, and I'm glad you like this." When he made that CD for me that summer, The Promise was the first song on it. It became my favorite. It makes me recall our time together. I've always thought of him. He reaches down and picks up the bottle of white wine, pulling the cork. "I hope you like Moscato?"
Nodding, I reply, "It's my favorite, but I'm not a big drinker. I've actually never been drunk or had a buzz."
The smile on his face broadens. "I'm not surprised."
"Oh."
He picks up two wine glasses, pours, and then hands me one. "So for dinner, we have..." He pulls out several containers. "Salmon patties with mustard."
My eyes widen. "Wait...how'd you know?"
"How do you think I ended up with Memaw's cake recipe? She and I are..." he crosses his fingers. "We're tight."
Laughter erupts. "Sorry, but picturing Memaw tight with you is just funny, like she's in your posse, or something."
His eyes glow with humor. "Posse," he smirks. He unwraps the aluminum foil from something round. He glances up. "Fried cornbread." He breaks a piece and holds it in front of my mouth, and I open immediately.
"Yum." I close my eyes savoring the taste. "You made this?"
"Uh huh. I did have help, though."
I furrow my brows. "Really?"
"Yeah, you know the phone call earlier from Memaw where she told you she needed to run out while you were shopping for this sexy little outfit?"
"Yeah."
"Well, she offered to help me make dinner." He pops a piece in his mouth. "And man, can that woman cook."
"So you two are in on this together?" I start to put the proverbial puzzle together in my mind.
Stone shrugs. "I suppose. Do you object?"
My heart feels so full. There is no way I can complain, so I shake my head. "No. I love everything. It's very thoughtful."
He feeds me another bite, this time of the salmon patty. I cover my mouth as I dive head first into some of my questions. "So I get that you joined the military as soon as you were free from your father. I understand the age thing." I take a sip of my wine. "But why didn't you write me a few years later when age wasn't an issue?"
Staring straight ahead, his expression is stiff. "Every time I was in a position to come look for you, I was in a relationship. I always felt so guilty for comparing people to what I had once felt for you. I convinced myself that it was all in my head, and I did my best to fill the void leaving you put in my heart. It just never worked.
"Then when I got off that helicopter in Afghanistan, I saw you. I knew it was you, but before I could say anything..." He turns towards me, and his eyes speak a language I understand. "I knew I had to protect you first."
"Thank you," I whisper. "You have a way of saving me, over and over again." I pause recalling the times I'd spent searching the internet for him, sketching our scenes wondering if they were ever real. "I tried to find you. So many times."
He hangs his head and stares down at the ground. "I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I can say it to make it enough."
"I thought I was losing my mind. I knew I had seen you. Everyone thought I was crazy...it was because I never really knew you."
He whips his head so that our eyes are locked. "You did know me, you just didn't know my real name. That's not the same, Alex. I've never been able to really be me, except when I was with you."
"I just wonder if that's enough. I mean, did we really know each other?" Breaking our gaze, I look away. "It's been so long. I don't know how this is going to work."
"Alex, I don't have all the answers. I just want to be with you as much as I can. I want to get to know you. I want to be able to be honest with you." Stone grasps my chin, turning my face back to where our eyes meet again. He brushes his fingers gently caressing my lips. "Which is why I need to tell you something."
"Uh huh," I mutter. There's a pause. It's not like the silence earlier where it wasn't awkward. This is the most uncomfortable I've ever been around him, which is really unsettling. My brows furrow. "What is it?" I ask, as I feel fear and worry overshadow the bliss I've been enveloped in all night.
He glances away. This isn't good. He mumbles, "I have to leave in the morning. My leave is over."
Just like that the bad bricks that always seem to vanish when I'm with him return. These aren't bricks. These are those concrete blocks. I inhale. "I thought you were here for two weeks?"
"We got called back early. You know how it works, Alex."
I nod, looking away. "How long have you known?" That's the only thing I can think about. Did he know earlier? Trust isn't something that's freely given. It's earned. "Did you know this morning?" I turn back and glare into his soulful eyes.
I see him swallow as he blinks. It's like he's apologizing without even speaking a word. He shakes his head as his voice cracks. "No."
"When?"
"Around noon." He doesn't break eye contact with me except to blink, which is rare. "I found out around lunch time."
"This is why you can't make promises." I can't go through another loss, not right now. It's like deja vu, but we're older and more mature. I might know that he's leaving, but I'm still being robbed. What if something happens to him? The breeze blows a strand of hair in my face, and I reach to move it. My hand is trembling, and I hate that I'm giving away a sign of weakness. He grabs my arm, then brushes the stray piece away. It makes me hurt so much more. I turn my head in the other direction, pulling my arm out of his grasp. "You're not in a position to keep them, Stone. You never have been."
We sit in silence, and it only takes a fraction of a second for me to realize what a cheap shot that was. Instantly, I feel horrible. The tears I've tried to keep back, force themselves a little closer to the breaking point. They say time heals all wounds, but this one where Stone is concerned feels just as raw as it did then. With each moment that passes, no matter how much training and education I have experienced, the silence cuts the carefully sewn stitches of my heart as smoothly as a scalpel. Now I know that he's the only one capable of mending me. He's always been my medicine, my therapy.
Stone finally breaks the torture of the quiet when he calmly says, "We're wasting time, Alex." He strums his fingers across my back, sending shivers across my dewy skin. It reminds me of how Papa used to do it, of what he promised Papa. He interrupts my thoughts. "It's different this time, and you know it. I don't want to waste the time we have like this."
I turn towards him. "How do you want to spend the time we have left?" I ask as my voice quivers, fighting back the tears.
"I want to hold you all night. Watch the last star disappear in the sky. I want to talk, laugh, and show you that I'm in this." He pulls my forehead to his lips. "We were apart for fifteen years, Alex. We can make this work. This is nothing. Fate gave us a second chance. I want to take it, but I can't by myself. Tell me you'll do it with me," he pleads, "I know I only knew you for a short period of time, but I know you're strong. To have gone through what you did, what you have, you have to be. You're a fighter." I smile remembering the last time I sat on Papa's lap, he used the same words to describe me. I feel the tears filling my eyes. As soon as I try to open my mouth, he hushes me. "Shh." He places a finger over my lips. "Let me finish."
I nod.
"Fight for us, Alex. For me. Don't try to fight our destiny –"
This time instead of him hushing me, I silence him with my lips on his. "Okay," I breathe, inhaling the air he's always offered to my lungs. He pulls me closer with both of his hands wrapped gently behind my neck, thumbing through my hair. For the first time ever, I think I realize he's already taken me to a happy place. Instead of bricks being piled on my chest, I think I feel building blocks. "Take me to another place, to a happy place."
"Is that a yes?" He asks barely pulling his lips away from mine.
Grinning like a fool, all I can think is yes. "Yes, a million times and fifteen years' worth of yeses."
***
I'M RESTING IN between Stone's legs. His arms are wrapped over my shoulders. I whisper, "I think I just saw the last star disappear." I swallow the growing lump in my throat. "I had said a silent prayer begging for time to halt, for the night to not end."
His lips brush my ear as his voice causes my body to come to attention. "If the night never ends, then there's never a new day...and with a new day comes renewed hope, light."
Turning my head so I can look into his eyes, I strum my fingers across his cheek. "You're right. I think we've both had enough darkness. I want to live in light."
Stone's lips brush mine. "That's what you've always been to me. A ray of sunshine." He kisses me. "You know we'll be able to talk. I've even heard sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder." He squeezes his arms around me. "I've learned through the years that it's not where you live, it's the people who surround you that make you feel at home."
I figured that out after my parents passed away. "Uh huh."
"It's the people in your heart, Alex. As cliché as it sounds, home is where the heart is." He moves his hand over my heart. "What I've realized the past couple of days is that no place has ever felt like home, except here. I thought that was because we moved around so much, but I know now it wasn't that." He shifts under my body. "We need to start cleaning up, I have a flight to catch shortly."
Even though I'm scared of being let down, a smile still forms on my face. "This isn't like last time."
"No." He shakes his head. "It's not. You know me, you know my name, and you will most certainly know how to reach me."
"While I'm not looking forward to missing you, I am excited."
Stone stands, offering his hand. When I take it, he pulls me into his arms. "This is going to be great. You'll see. And it will be a piece of cake. The hard stuff is behind us, Alex. I can feel it."
Me too. I know he's right. Nodding. "So are you going to just leave from here, or what?" I ask.
He cocks his head to the side. "You think I'm just going to make you walk back all by yourself? That wouldn't be very gentlemanly of me."
"I wasn't sure."
His arms relax, releasing me. He starts to gather his things. "When I left last time, I didn't get a say as to how it went down. It was so fast. Literally, in a matter of an hour we were out of this town. We knew how to pack lightly, we always had an exit plan." He continues to work getting everything cleaned up, almost as if it's a distraction from what he's having to tell me. There is a large part of me that wants to stop him, to spare him from that pain. There is a small part of me that is so curious. So I listen quietly as he continues, "While I only knew your grandparents for a brief time, they were so important to me." Stone glances up. "This time, I want the hugs, kisses, and love that comes with a farewell...even if it's a temporary one." He takes a step and cups my head in his hands. "I want to say 'see ya later' and know that it's not a final goodbye. I want to memorize every line," he strums his finger across my face, "every line of your face, Alex. When I walk away, I want to know that I've made every last second I had with you count."
I close my eyes and focus all of my senses on the sensations of his touch, the comfort of his words, allowing them to soak into a part of my heart and my brain that is reserved for him. The scripture Papa used to tell Memaw comes to my mind, and I recognize that I think I have found the one whom my soul loves. Stone rests his forehead on mine, and whispers, "Say something."
Everything has always been about me it seems. So here's my chance to do something for him. As much as it hurts to know he's leaving me again, it's an opportunity to make new memories. "Walk me home and let me give you that farewell."
He smiles and points. "Let me put this stuff in the car."
"Okay." I admit I have bricks. I already wish I could run inside to the house and sit in Papa's lap. I wish I could tell him about what's happening, about my happy news. I swallow back the lump that is growing in my throat because he wouldn't want today to be a sad day. His smiles and memories of the times when he was proud of me flash before my eyes. It's as if I can hear him saying, "Papa's so proud of you. You're Papa's heart." Every day for the rest of my life, I'll miss him. There won't be a single thing that I am able to do on this planet that doesn't remind me of him, but in this same manner, I know that he'll always be with me.
Stone walks back over to me and threads his fingers with mine. "Before we go, let's see if you've still got your touch." He hands me a rock.
I giggle. "I admit there was a time when I hated rocks and stones."
He raises an eyebrow. "We can't have you hating stones."
"Past tense. And I had the best teacher, so I can still skip them just fine."
He turns my body to the side, brushes my hair away, and whispers, "Prove it."
Goosebumps erupt all over my body. I turn around and kiss him the way he did me earlier under the carport. It's a needy, passionate kiss. Our tongues twist and explore each other's mouths. When I release, his eyes are still closed. "You might wanna watch," I tease as I methodically go through the steps, and send it dancing across the water.
"I think you've mastered that skill. Much better than the day I met you."
Thinking of the day he met me reminds me of my parents. I remember the day like it was yesterday, and wondering if it would ever feel like anything other than an open wound in salt water. I take one last glance at the area, seeing my life fifteen years ago and how far I've come. They'd be so proud. "Ready?" I ask.
Stone nods, then takes my hand again. We walk the rest of the way in blissful silence, at least it is for me. The silence doesn't cut like a knife because just being in his proximity is enough. While I'm scared, I'm also excited and hopeful. For the first time in my life, or maybe the second, I feel like I'm sufficient just as I am.
When we reach the door of Memaw's house, he pulls my body into his arms. "I'll see you soon...later."
A tear escapes from my eye. He catches it with the pad of his thumb, and kisses it. "Do you think Memaw is awake?"
Laughter helps my tears. "Why I hope so. I didn't bring any keys with me last night."
"I want to tell her that I'll see her later, too."
Smiling, I turn to ring the bell. It only takes a few seconds before I can hear the lock being manipulated on the other side. Bells jingle as the door opens. "Well look what the cat dragged in," she says playfully.
"Good morning to you, too," I tease.
Memaw clears the door and holds her arm out, as if to invite us in. She winks, "Stone."
We step into the living room. He opens his arms to embrace her. "I have to go. I just wanted to say that I'll see you soon." When he releases her he holds her at arm's length, and his face grows serious. "My life was hard. There were only a handful of places we were safe for longer than a month. This was one of them." He closes his eyes for a moment. I can feel the growing lump in my throat. Watching him be so good to the people I love is like an added bonus. He clears his throat and continues, "I never had grandparents. When we left, we left everyone and everything...you and Papa for those three weeks were the closest I ever had."
Memaw brings a hand to her mouth and her eyes fill with water. "Come here," she breathes pulling him closer, into a warm hug. "I'm so sorry for what you went through, but as far as I'm concerned, you're the grandson I never had for as long as you treat my Alex like she's precious gold."
I watch them silently, almost like it's a movie playing before my very eyes. I don't feel like I belong in the scene, and it's so touching. Stone swallows hard and blinks. I know that he's a soldier, it takes a lot to make us cry because of what we've seen, but I think he might be as close to tears as I've ever seen him. He says, "That means the world to me. I have every intention of doing just that." He glances towards me and smiles. "I need to go," he mutters. Memaw wraps her arms around him one more time, then releases him.
Stone uses his pointer finger in that come hither motion, and it makes me giggle. So sexy. His kiss is electrifying. I know my face is turning a million different shades of red. I've never kissed a boy or a man, and Stone is most definitely every bit of a man, in front of my family. There is no holding back. I savor the way his stubble feels on my cheeks, the taste of his sweet breath, and the air he feeds to my lungs. He makes me feel so alive. When he breaks the kiss, I have renewed hope that this is right. Even with the distance. "I'll see you later," I whisper.
He smiles. "Later."
A few seconds later, and we're all standing on the front porch. Memaw and I put one arm around each other as we watch him start to make his way back to the creek. A minute later, he looks back one more time and we both wave. The way my heart feels can't be expressed with words, at least I don't think so. It's not breaking. Maybe it's bending. It hurts, it could potentially break, but it's too strong.