Part two
I walked in our bedroom. Alex was laying down the bed, reading a book and listening to 'Grace'. It's 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over' playing. She smiled at the sight of me.
"Perfect gift, kid."
I returned the smile and stepped near her, tugging on my shirt.
"Wanna have sex?"
She laughed. "Again?"
I climbed on the bed, sitting on top of her, each leg spread in different direction. She took off my shirt, and started to kiss down my neck, sucking on soft spots. I moaned, holding on her storngly, afraid to let go. She flipped us, so she's laying on me, straddling me. I gasped, already totaly aroused by what's yet to come. 5 minutes of making out passionately, and I was all naked, sprawled all over the mattress. She didn't let me undress her for some reason, however, I found it such a turn on. I couldn't hold back loud moans when I felt her wet tongue licking up my clit, exploring my cunt. "Shit..babe..yes. Yes!" The sweet release was coming. I trapped her head inbetween my legs, as I was flying higher and higher to my ecstasy. "Ohh, I'm coming..babe! I'm coming!" Squealing, I tilt my head up on the pillow, ready more than ever to come. Here we go...
3...
2...
She stopped.
She stopped before I reached to 1!
"W-what? Alex?!" I cried out.
She looked up at me, then sat up on the bed, crossing her hands together.
"Alex?? The fuck? What are you doing?" I was too close to finish, how can she stop like that??
She kept staring at me at me with dread.
"Fuck, this is the most moody you've gotten in years!" I whined, touching myself hopeful I'd get to finish what she started.
"You're so full of shit." Alex spat, storming out of the room. I frowned and followed her immediately, not bothered by the fact I was absolutely nude head to toe.
"Okay this is super confusing-"
"I had such a company today at work, you know!" Alex shuttered my speaking, her voice is strict and loud in the edge of yelling. I could tell she was pissed as fuck, but still was far away from knowing why. I narrowed my eyebrows.
"Larry came to see me."
Fuck me.
I pulled the greatest pocker face in history.
"What did he want?" I asked innocently, little did she know that in the meanwhile my palms were getting sweaty and my heart beat had doubled it's pace.
"Probably to get back at me.." She mumbled to herself, losing eye contact.
Fucking Larry, what did you do?
"Baby, he is a jerk..-" I trailed off, unsure what to say to get away with it. Damn it. I really thought this Larry incident was behind me. I didn't tell any of what happened to Alex because I knew she would take it the wrong way. But Larry had to be few steps ahead of me.
"A jerk, pfff.. A jerk. As long as he has a dick..." Alex still didn't look at me. There was a hint of disappointed in her voice.
What does that suppose to mean?
Wait.
NO WAY.
Larry must've told Alex we had sex! Of course he would! He never forgave me for leaving him. Little fucker is getting his revenge! I'm so stupid, how did I not see that coming..? Why did I come over to his house? Why in hell did I tell him where Alex works? I set myself up in this trap. Now Alex is sure I cheated on her.
"Alex, I didn't sleep with him!"
"Oh, no?" There they were, her eyes, staring straight into mine. Self-hatred could kill me right now, as I saw the hurt her eyes convey.
"No.."
"What did you do then?"
"N-nothing. I ran into him in the record store. Then-then-"
"Then you sucked his dick?"
"I didn't suck it!"
"So?"
"I only grasped it.."
Alex chuckled, then pulled her hair nervously. She stole one last glance at me, and walked back into our bedroom. I ran towards her. She was putting on her sports shoes and changing into her sport bra. Oh no. She's going for a run. You know things are pretty bad when Alex goes for a run.
"Baby, please don't go.. Let's talk about it!" I pleaded, holding on her, begging for her to stay. She snapped herself out of my grip and headed towards the door, grabbing the car keys on the way. Now I was fully panicked, where is she driving? Is it far away? Is she gonna leave for good?
"Don't go. Al. I promise I can explain! I didn't fuck him! He is messing with us.."
"How?" She paused. "How on earth did I let myself fall inlove with a straight girl?"
And with that, she left.
I stared at the shut door, shocked. Sliding in our bed again I tried to process anything that has happened. 'Forget Her' was now playing. My brain is so numb all I could do is lay quitely crawled up in the sheets. I didn't have so much to do but to listen closely to the lyrics of the song. It suddenly got a different meaning now. I replayed it and closed my eyes, focusing on the words Jeff Buckley was singing:
"While this town is busy sleeping,
all the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
cuz she'll never change her ways..."
I got shivers down my spine, I feel like the song tells our story so presiscley. It's like it was written about us.
Alex was walking down the cold streets of London, back to the hotel, after a crazy long day of work. She's been working so intensely lately, travelling all around the world not stopping for a bit, it's crazy making. She couldn't afford rest tho, because if she did, she'd eventually end up thinking about her. It's been 6 months since that cursed day in Paris, but no matter how hard Alex tries, she can't get that stupid blonde out of her head. Like, who the fuck does she think she is, right? 'She never loved me', Alex assumed, 'if she did she would never abandon me like that, throwing everything we had down the drain. Stupid mother fucker hoe!'
But swearing Piper never helped, it only made Alex feel worse. She still loved her, and ain't gonna get rid of those feelings soon. Every morning she spent waking up without Piper near her felt useless. Alex could overcome her rage anytime she craved Piper's touch, her smile, her scent, her presence. She just wanted to hold her in her arms again and make hot love to her. But that's not possible, Alex doubt it ever will. What's point of living anyway? Piper was the only girl Alex had truly loved and cared about, the only girl who wasn't just about sex or experimenting. She doesn't have it now, that speical connection. Not to mention her mother vanished which make Alex even lonelier and wanna die. Damn not once did Alex think about ending it right there and then, what does she have to live for? She never met her father, the only woman who looked after her through thick and thin died, and the love of her life is a pure bitch. Oh, and such a career she developed to herself, huh? Booming success, a job which makes her super rich and powerful but also puts her life on the line every single day, working under a physiopath boss who always throws shade on her. 'I'm either gonna end up in prison or dead. Perhaps death is better..' Alex thought.
Alex stormed in her hotel room in a rush, she threw her glasses harshly on the floor not caring about breaking them. Everything was so blurry she couldn't see anything. Her lips were shaking as cold sweat covered her face. She picked up the phone and called up a room service, asking for the strongest alcoholic shit they had in store. 'Fuck, if I'm gonna do it, there's not way I'm staying sober.' Waiting impatiently for her drinks to arrive, Alex recalled every bad thing that's ever happened in her life: right from growing up poor, getting brutally bullied in school, meeting her father, getting involved in the ring, meeting Piper... Meeting Piper! MEETING PIPER! This is it, this is the source of all of her problems. Right there Alex decided that Piper was everything. Everything horrible and everything beautiful. And now she is going to be the reason, the reason why.
Alex couldn't take it anymore, there's no point in waiting, it has to be done now. Alex needed to shut her head, the noise in her head, forever.
15 anti-depressed pills layed on the small round writing desk. Alex decided she is gonna take them all in, but one by one. Each one represnts a reason.
She sticked one pill on her tongue, and held a glass of water in her right hand. There we go.
First pill swallowed - 'For Piper's smile.'
Second pill swallowd - 'For Piper's sweet baby blue eyes.'
Third pill swallowd - 'For Piper's voice when she cries out my name all night long.'
Holding the fourth pill in her hand, Alex could feel her mother right there in the room, trying to stop her maybe? 'Sorry moma, I've been dying to join you up there for a long time now'.
Fourth pill swallowd - 'For Piper's tender kiss.'
Fifth pill swallowed - 'For Piper's insane jealous attacks.'
She had five pills, but Alex still couldn't feel any sickness. She blamed herself for even suck at trying to kill herself. An idea suddnely popped in her mind, what if she takes all 10 left pills at once? That for sure will quicken the process. She collected the pills in her palm, then pushed them all in, she held the glass of water, preparing herself for a big one.
"Miss?"
A gentle male voice stopped Alex from taking a sip. Shit, she forget about the strongest alcoholic shit she had ordered before. She instinctivly spit out all the pills which were in her mouth, and cleared her throat.
"Yeah?"
"It's room service."
"Coming."
Dizzy, she walked towards the door and flung it open, she thanked the waiter and gave him a tip, accepting the bottle he brought with him. After the waiter had walked away, Alex starred at the bottle. Just when she was about to crack it open, she felt this unpleasening tingle in her stomach, which made her run to the bathroom without even thinking.
Alex was throwing up all the toxic products in her body, feeling humiliated and stupid by her decisions.
She's hit rock buttom.
Somehow, even in that exact moment of dissgust, Piper's face found it's place in Alex's mind. Alex saw her laughing, moaning, kissing her, laying impossibly close next to her like the night they had finally slept together for the very first time. How did Alex let herself be like this? All vulnerable and messed up. Her mom didn't teach her to habdle her shit like this. Alex figured Diane is looking down at her right now, vomiting angel dust, hating on her for being so weak. This is not what she could have possibly want. Diane would have been ashamed to see her daughter behave like this, taking desperate steps like a crazy person. Alex is strong. So Diane used to say. But Piper made Alex just the opposite with all herself and being. Love is pain, that's for sure. She was glad to be smart enough to ink that message on her left arm, to show Piper love is not beauty. It's pain.
'Where is Piper now anyway?' Alex wandered while the hot water burned into her skin, relaxing her muscles from the recent events. Her stomach was still feeling a bit sore but Alex couldn't do much but trying to puke some more every once in awhile and let the hot shower do it's magic. Calling an ambulance would be useless now, she already missed the opportunity to die and felt much better. . 'She clearly forgot about me but I can't for sure forget her. She's probably just there right now getting herself a new life without me.. found a new dick to suck on... Or maybe even worse, a vagina?!' It was overwhelming how Alex still cared if Piper meets someone else, this is how much she wasn't over her ex. Ex. What a terrifying word to describe the love of your life. Ex means Piper belongs to the past. But god only knows Piper will always stay relevant in Alex's heart, whether she likes it or not.
2 hours of lazily laying in bed without any chance of falling asleep, Alex was growing bored. She didn't see herself getting any sleep soon and her brain was too emotionally numb to watch t.v or do some work in her computer. She looked aside and saw this little notebook on the night stand with a pen attached to it. She grabbed it and started to draw small circles in it. She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't notice her hand was writing Piper's name all over the paper. When she finally did realize it, she chuckled. Her smirk slowly turned to a frown, along with hot tears showing up in the corner of her eyes. She flipped a page in the notebook and started writing somethings.. First, she wrote randomly words which described how she felt at the moment, then she wrote how the day went on for her, then she looked at all what she had written until. She flipped another page and started over, definitely knowing what she would like to write.
"While this town is busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
'Cause she'll never change her ways.
Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart feels so still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
Oh I think I've forgotten her now.
Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her,
Was sober with no place to go...."
"Well my tears falling down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from the day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
All of my pain when I think back to when.
Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell yourself over and over
You won't ever need her again..."
The song kept playing in repeat and I still couldn't stop listening to it. I found it so artistically beautiful and incredible. The image of me and Alex after our break-up kept capturing in my mind, to the time where I couldn't forget about her even after I settled down with Larry and was willing to move on. So eagerly clinging to it I missed the fact I still loved her. All the way I only loved her. And after we met again in prison I knew this woman wouldn't let go of me so easily. I needed to know more about Jeff, no way someone could write with so many emotions and I don't even know anything about them. I unlocked my Iphone and googled him. I found many articles about him and other more songs to listen to as well. I started to understand why Alex admires the guy so much, the way he touches you with his music and personality is outstanding. He is also a very good looking man. After about half an hour of good music, I started watching interviews where he was talking about his unique approach to writing music. I learned that his songs were based on real life experiences he had had like relationships with lovers and family. But then in one specific interview I was watching Jeff mentioned one song he didn't write himself - 'Forget Her'. I raised my eyebrows in surprise, how come he did not write the song? He sang in like it was just his own story he was telling. I stopped myself and turned up the volume of the video to keep paying attention.
"I met this girl when I was on tour," Jeff explained in the interview. "She was travelling around because of her job and we met in Jersey. At first she wanted nothing to do with me, she didn't even recognise me. But I knew she was something else. Our roads crossed few more times and I couldn't get her outta my mind, so I asked her out this one time, but turned out she was a lesbian." I chuckled, what a coincidence. "I understood that romantically I will never be involved with her but she still seemed like this interesting person I would like to get to know better. Eventually she opened up to me and told me she was suffering from a broken heart because her girl had left her the other night when she needed her the most," Lesbian love song, that's even better. "She ended up reciting me that poem she wrote about her ex-girlfriend in a night which quickly could have gone terribly wrong for her. It was only words back then but I immediately fell inlove with it. It was 'Forget Her.'" Damn I knew that song tells a different story. "The poem brought so much inspiration to me and I wrote music to it. The song ended up being amazing. I asked her to put in my album, she agreed but only if I don't mention her real name, we picked a pen name and I used it. So," Jeff looked at the camera. "Where ever you are 'Love is Pain', thank you for these inspiring lyrics. I'm sure your girl will finally understand what she lost."
Love is pain?
Whoa.
What?
Wait.
It can't be.
Alex wrote that song?
Alex wrote that song about me?
--------
I heard the door being unlocked, someone walked into the house. I knew it was Alex but didn't find the courage to go check. There was slight noise of car keys thrown on the table, along with shoes tossed to the floor and panting Alex crashing on the couch. This is the longest she's even taken a run, I'm worried about her. Alex couldn't possibly write 'Forget Her' about me, right? This is insane, it should only be just a coincidence. But, this also explains why she grieves Jeff every year in his death date nd feels so close to him. But why didn't she tell me? God, I miss her. I wanna go there right now and put my arms around her.
She doesn't wanna hear about me.
I don't care.
I walked into the living room and there she was, all soaked from sweat on the couch, exhausted at the edge of falling asleep. She was a mess, but managed to look like the sweetest girl on the planet. Her hair was messi with strands all over her face which was red from heat. As much as I wanna stare at her all night I think she should take a shower and go to sleep. She hasn't noticed me so I took few more glares before I spoke up.
"You're awfully talented."
That's not what I wanted to say!
She turned to look at me, confusion was written all over her face. Then she broke eye contact and stood up, heading to the shower.
"Did you write that song about me?"
Another classic case of me not controlling my big mouth.
"Do you ever hear yourself, Piper? Like when you speak?" She spat sarcastically, still walking to the bathroom and then entering it. Rolling my eyes, I avoided the unnecessary comment and followed behind her quickly, bothering her to shut the door closed.
"Stop it." She demanded, fighting to close the door against my bare foot which was blocking it. She didn't push it too aggressively tho, knowing I might get hurt if she does.
"Did you?"
"What are you even talking about?!"
"Is this how you met Jeff?"
Heavy silence filled the room, Alex's face tensed up as she shot a long piercing glare at me. I found it scary at first but when I noticed this hind of softness in her eyes the world seemed to lit up again. The tiring moment of confusion suddenly got a bit of an ice breaker when the goddess woman infront of me that I'm more than proud to call my wife so very soon, let a tiny scoff escape her lips.
"Took you long enough."
I tried to smile but found it extremely diffiuclt, this is one of the things Alex is an expert at, getting away with anything just with the white of her teeth.
"Al.. Why didn't you tell me? What does it mean? I-I'm so confused.." I was rambling, everything was so overwhelming. Alex's words were so rough in that song and I needed some answers, did I really hurt her like that? I can't stand the feeling of me causing so much pain to her. We were still hanging between the bathroom door, and I remembered something. I slowly started to lift my shirt up, not breaking eye contact from her as long as I'm able to. I checked on her during the process and she looked surprised at first but then kept her mouth shot and focused on me. I uncliped my bra, revealing my breast to her. She stole her eyes to observe my bare skin but immediately turned her gaze back to me. Next to slip out of were my ripped old jeans I've been dying to get rid of but Alex stops me because she thinks they make my butt looks cute. I was doing my best to pull my most dramatic pocker face while stripping but when I tried to get out of the jeans I got trapped and fell ahead. Alex couldn't keep a straight face while catching me, softly laughing at me about failing to take my pants off. I fell right onto her arms and looked deep into her green orbs. After a slight pause I felt her hands trailing down my body, reaching around to my waist. I shivered at her touch and briefly closed my eyes, only to open them to a concentrated Alex Vause pulling the hem of my panties down. She didn't miss the opportunity to caress my butt along the way. When I was fully naked I stepped back into the living room and passed to our bedroom, only to be followed by Alex shortly later. 'Grace' was still playing in the background on repeat. I slid inside the sheets, and waited for Alex to do her part. Every single detail about this woman was incredible. The way she slips out of her clothes like she was made to be clean and free, or when she never looses a chance to paralyze me with her stolen glares. She got in the bed and I made room for her under the blanket. I was finally safe under her presence. We were finally safe together. I snuggled in and wrapped my arms around her, drawing circles on her bare back. She leaned down to my chest and for the first time after a very long time I heard her cry.
"He was a customer. Heroine addict.." She whimpered, my heart ached to that sound but I knew nothing better than to stay in silence and keep listening in shock. All this time I thought I truly knew anything about the woman I love and then I find out another detail from her past. And not just a detail. A fucking storyline. Why didn't she ever tell me any of it?
"He was disappointed to fianlly acknowledge I was gay." She giggled silently and I smirked a little in return to this beautiful sound.
"Did you write it about me?" Somehow I found my voice which came out shaky and broken. I felt her hair brushing back and forth against my chest as she nodded her head.
"The night I tried to kill myself."
"What?"
Realization and shock penetrate my body as a huge pang of guilt took place.
"I did. I tried to take my own life away."
"Because of me?"
"Because I couldn't find any reason to live for.." She was slightly sobbing, hiding her face deeper in my chest. She pushed me closer to her, her arms hugging me tighter. I pulled her impossibly close and stroked her head, impatiently waiting to hear more.
"It happens a lot, you know? When I struggle to find a point of living. I'm such a waste of a woman, ridiculous living creature-"
"Al, it's not true-"
"It is, it is, it fucking is! I could have made a life, I'm talented. I could do better than smuggling drugs and ending up in prison. I could finish college and maybe become a fucking literature professor or anything. Fuck. My dreams. I've never had real dreams Piper!" This came out as a desperate howl as she cried harder in my arms. I was curious to hear more about the night she describes as suicide attempt but didn't dare to stop her.
"You can still make it real honey.."
"I have spent my life in fear, under the shadow of a missing father and abusive physic boss. Ruining people's life for amount of money and then moving to the next target. I'm no good Piper... I gave up on myself..."
I didn't know where to start. There was so much to be told. She's wrong. She got it all wrong. Alex is not a fucking waste. Your'e not a waste! Your'e everything I have! I should have said it out loud but my mouth wouldn't release the words.
"I also have this faith, that this was all meant to be. Because who knows... if my life would have gone a different direction maybe I wouldn't have met you. And I can't think that. Piper, I think the suffering payed off because of you. So your'e my point of living. But, damn, Piper would you fucking stop hurting me?!"
"I never wanted to."
She finally looked up at me, my bright blue eyes meeting the marvelous green of hers. Her face held hope, involved with fear perhaps but still the same terrific beauty in it. I lift my eyebrows giving her an amusing face, and she awarded me with a delicate smile.
"That.. that song.. it's not even that good. I wrote it the other night because it was just an...um... an eruption.. I don't know. Pipes. I was never able to forget you. Ever. I think.. I know.. Whether I like it or not, your'e the love of my life. This is it. There is no way out."
"Well you are the one for me, Al..."
She grinned widely. "Am I?"
A marvelous one spread on my lips as well. "Have you not figured it out yet?!"
"Shut up." She playfully slapped me on my chest.
"Ouch. So abusive." I mocked.
"You ain't seen nothing yet.." She used that tone of hers that I like. That tone which only sounds innocent but signals her mind is completely the opposite. That shade in her voice that not only turn me on but also wakes up all the senses in my body, making me fall inlove with her over and over and over again. Alex massaged my breast tenderly while peppering wet kisses down my neck and collar bones. I moaned with happiness because I knew I've been forgotten.
Then, she looked back at me with an odd smile.
"What?" I giggled ridiculously.
"Pack your things."
"Are you kicking me out? I thought we've worked out our shit, Al." I joked, hoping that wasn't really the case. God knows Alex tend to be unexpected. Fuck, she's nothing but unexpected.
"No, moron! Shut up and pack your things. We're getting married, tonight."
She lifted herself from me and exit the room to find two large bags for us.