Dear __________,
Hey, um, i am sorry because I don't you how to accost you, I am still very confused if you're my crush or my love. Don't laugh! I know, it might sound very idiotic but that's true. You have no idea how deep my crush has been for you that it literally has crossed the faint boundary that separates love & crush.
You know what I feel? I believe, there's actually no line; contrived or natural, which can classify my feelings for you. If I say that I don't love you, it is untrue on my part because no day passes by when i don't pray for your happiness, when I don't wish you in my life, when my eyes don't dream about you, when I don't daydream about you. You are the only one who has governed my dreams and reality even. So, that compels me to not categories my feelings for you as crush but if I claim to love you, I, myself, am wondering how that can be possible? How can I love someone without even meeting, knowing, seeing him? That sounds ridiculous to my own ears but, my heart doesn't take words. Because it loves you, it loves you more than its own happiness. It breathes for you more than it breaths for me. It flutters every time i think about you.
In simple words, I have far crossed the boundaries of being a masochist. Being a girl of logics and brains, this was the worst thing I could do to me. But I did. My friends used to call me heartless because relationship never fascinated me. Boys were always Lombard for me. Couples used to make me burst into laughter for their PDA. In these 24 years of my existence, the life and its practicality had made me draw a very vivid law that love is not something that is blind or unintentional or perfidious. I've always believed that you must not be out of mind when you decide to fell in love. Categories your feelings first and then assay the person upon them, that's how love must be done. Love in first sight - this concept was the most ridiculous thing for me. How could one person fall in love without knowing the other one and just with his/her looks. Till now, anyone who has proposed me and brought forth his feelings for me, I have taken my sweet time to assay him on my beliefs and the self assumed theories.
Little did I know that when I was blatantly preaching my self-designed axioms, fate was making a simultaneous plan to destroy my own beliefs and leave me on a spot that I couldn't back away nor could go along with it. Again, my bad, I just forgot that karma is a bitch. To say that we know what is written in our fate is the best joke one could ever make of.
Same happened with me.
Coz I fell in love with you.
Something which however I try I can't regret.
Something that makes me astonish how could I do that.
Something that has ruined my air castles i had built of perfect way to fall in love.
Confused, right? I'll explain. It was the laziest and scorching noon of JUNE, 2015 when it happened. Chemistry has never pissed me off like it did that noon, as if it was hell bent on making me cry when I was tutoring the girl of my neighborhood for her CSAT. I was the university topper in chemistry with a gold medal. Hence, she resorted to me for her exam and that day chemistry was planning to slander me before Deva (That's what her name is).
Winded, I decided to take a break and logged in my friend's book account. She was also resting and then, out of nowhere, prodded me to search a boy who happened to be her crush and studied in the same university with her. Mentally rolling my eyes at her incongruity, I asked her to tell me the name and she shyly typed it, 'Kushal Raichand'.
Three pages were loaded but she was disappointed because she couldn't find the guy, so I grabbed my cellphone back and asked her to focus on the book. Meanwhile, I searched for the guy with the description of his DP she'd given me. Most part of this impudence, I was cursing why was I doing it but at the same time, the judgemental hidden inside me was dying to mark its next target.
Until.....
I saw you.
My eyes ceased blinking, I stopped listening to the chores voice of deva and my thumb precisely paralysed. All I registered was those big beautiful eyes you possess, those spruced up chocolate brown hair, those full natural peach lips and that pretty smile which was tugging at the end of your lips. You might find it humorous but a girl who didn't know the meaning of blush was red as ripe tomato and I could feel my cheeks heated. My heart, it was racing as if it was planning to rip my ribcage and fly to you. I was afraid if deva could hear my heartbeats because I was listening it. I didn't know what it was, why it was but I knew one thing it was dangerous for me.
Shutting down my cellphone, I rubbed my face and gestured a wary deva to continue it tomorrow. Suddenly, all I wanted to do was to see you. I wanted to capture you. I wanted to watch you. I wanted to touch you.
As she staggered away with her stuff, I plopped on the bed and with a move of stalker, hunted you down. I was pretty mad when I saw that you had your DP on public audience, I wanted to shout at you to give anyone the chance to ogle upon you; including me. But it also made me chest swell in pride that you were not among those schmuck - wanna be playboy- who does selfie - a trend that has ruined everything; isn't it bad enough that girls are obsessed with selfie? Boys taking selfies had always given me creeps. I was happy that you had your posts and info privacy protected.
I am not ashamed of confessing that yes, I saved your pics and hid them in a private app. Stalking was something I had never done and I still don't do, unless it is about you. I was angry on myself for some reason, probably, for finding a stranger worth drooling and smiling like an idiot all throughout the day. You haunted me. Everywhere. Every time. At dinner table, while watching movies, while listening songs, in my dreams, at everyplace I went. Your big nut brown eyes have always haunted me. I was fighting within me. I wanted to forget you. You were making me demure. It was difficult for me to close my eyes because all I see was your eyes and then, when I open my eyes, you were nowhere. It was becoming frustrating.
That's it! From now on, I won't look at him. This was the pledge I made every morning and broke every night. It had become a habit for me to watch your face before sleeping. What exactly was I doing? Why was I doing it? I just knew your name. That's it. You could've been a criminal, terrorist or a con artist.
Why not a humble, calm and respected man as I have assumed? My subconscious always shut me up by saying this. My soul, my heart; they had refused to hear me. My mind who used to be the master of my emotions was losing day by day. I knew I was wrong, I knew what I was doing would bring ultimate pain but I could do nothing. The moment I saw your pic, I used to forget everything. Nothing mattered for me. Nothing at all.
Six months of my agony passed and I made peace with the fact that you're just my crush, alike the thousands I had. But I knew it was not true. I was over everything at a point of time but you were as fresh as a morning breeze for me even after six month, which was the longest duration of any crush I had upon. Because you were not a CRUSH.
I started siding myself from everyone and started spending my time alone with your thoughts, I made and erased thousands of assumptions every day about you. How you would be? How would be your voice? Someone in mind keep reminding me that maybe you love someone else, maybe you're a bad boy, maybe I am delusional. But I had answer for everything. I was verbatim, practically.
So what if he is in love with anyone, I don't love him. So what I don't see him,I don't plan to see him Anyways. So what if he is not aware of me, I don't plan to get acquaint with him. So what if he is not aware of my crush, I will be over him in anytime soon.
But it was untrue. A plain white lie. I knew I will never be over you. I knew it was not mere crush. I knew I longed to meet you. I knew I wanted to know you. I wanted you to be aware that I love you. I love you more than anyone I loved.
I was, once, called bold girl of college as I never feared anything but I was the weakest one when it came to you. I could've simply messaged you and end up my misery but I chose against it because I was afraid. I was afraid how my this one step would draw me before you. If I said I love you, you would feel disgusted of me like I used to feel when anyone spammed me. If I said I have crush on you, you might say 'thank you' but would feel how idiotic it is to have a real life crush because I used to do it. I never believed anyone who said he/she has a crush on me because I was familiar with the idea of having reel life crush only, real life crush choked me.
I had felt diva gated how to behave with the person who just has told me about his liking. I was practically thinking how would you react and putting you in my shoes. Hence, I made up my mind to be a Silent lover and stick the end of an endless rope. I was an itinerant on the journey of infinite because if you were my destination, I knew that I would never get you. For the first time, romantic novel made me feel happy because every plot, every protagonist and every successful love story made me envision US. At least in my world, you and I are US. I was how I was for the outer world, I still don't accept proposals and I still don't flirt but I was weak inside, I was longing for you.
Being born in an Indian family can be this painful, I ought to think because frankly, i couldn't share what I feel about you with my parents. They would get me married to a stranger next hour in fear of having a stigma done by me in their prestige or they would never understand my feelings saying I am delusional. I couldn't do but bottle my emotions up. I was not in situation to marry anyone else when I was certain that I love you. Everything told me I love you. Yes, I wanted our togetherness but I was contented if you're happy. Even your prospective relationship with any girl didn't bother me because I don't hold you culprit. Why won't you love anyone else when you don't know me? You had a fair reason to love, to have relationship, to marry.
But deep down I wanted you to wait. Wait until I finally get you. Until fate plans to meet us. Until I do some efforts to get to you.
Finally, I told my friends about you. They stalked you and called me mad for loving a person to this extent without knowing him. This time ironically I said something they never expected to heard from me.
Love can't be reasonable, it is inevitable and it happens without knocking on the door.
Yes, that is true. Because if it had knocked, I would've never opened the door. I would've never allowed this piffle to happen. I would've never allowed myself to love you that I think I can't love anyone anymore. My friends compelled me to message you and get a rebuff or a rejection which would work as a closure. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to hear a 'No' from your side. I know I can never be in your life but I can't assimilate the fact that you don't want me. At least I would never want you to rub it on my face.
Still, steeling myself, I dropped a 'Hi' to you. You, on the other hand, seemed too busy to answer because I checked the simple two syllable H-I if it was seen or not. Three months passed and your reply never came. It was weird but I was thankful that you didn't reply to any random person just because they've dropped you a hi. Instead of getting closure, I was falling deep for you. In the pink weather of March, 2016, one night in a hangout with my best friend, i was busy having Noodles when my cellphone popped up with a notification, I swerved it because I didn't know it was from you and when the popped in feature of messenger made me aware of your DP, I sputtered the coke in shock and leaped for my cellphone.
Hello, sorry didn't download messenger. Hence,I wasn't aware that you were messaging me.
It was what you had written. Oh,by this time I had sent you a whole package of 'Hi'. When I read this,I was flustered. It sounded like you've confessed that you love me because I was blushing and it was not a rocket science for my best Friend to guess who it could be.
That's alright. I typed back,eagerly waiting for your next question. For the first Time, I hoped men to be a little opportunistic because if it was a common trait, you'd have started looped talking with me which you didn't and a smiley emoji curbed our conversation. My fingers were itching to type something but I couldn't, I Just had escaped from a huge mortification.
But. It did disaster only. I started loving you more. If I was initially stalking you thrice a day, your profile I meant, I doubled the speed. I also started stalking the other people who had you tagged in meme or something as a insight of your life,so that I could at least get your pictures or something or at least know about you.
It sounds creepy. Damn creepy!
But it was my love. My pure, innocent love. My unconditional love. My unrequited love.
A pure romance that has polluted my life. More like a dark night full of pain and hurt, but I embrace the sparse stars and they put me in ease in that moonlit romantic eerie where I sit silently and think about you. Alternatively, after three months I made my mind to grip upon my emotions. Hell,I couldn't even so much as try to fall in love with anyone because it felt like cheating upon you. It felt like I was dishonest and infidel in this one sided relationship which was only mine. Mine to treasure. Mine to remember. And I couldn't let it happen. This fictional love will ruin my real life because at the end of the day, you are not mine and I know it.
I deleted your photographs and the collages i had made by merging our pics (yes, I have been that desperate) and curbed every morning detailed thinking about you. I decided to stop thinking about anything which is related to you. Even the name. To get Rid of this feeling, I desperately searched for a boyfriend as a way to swerve my emotions but looked like earth suddenly went short of good species of men and I was too obstinate to compromise with my morals just for a distraction.
Then one day, my dad made a plan to have a surprise visit in one of her distant sister who was constantly pestering him to drop by and that's how my family ended up in Lucknow. My lips didn't stop widening, my eyes twinkled with anticipation. Every hair of my body was vibrating with excitement.
Because it is your city.
I'd never been in Lucknow before, my life had been pretty good in Bhopal itself but since the time I came to know you, i wanted to visit your city. For me, Lucknow was a souvenir of yours. Lucknow was a remainder of kushal. Lucknow was the world's best place for me because you live there. It is very silly but I guess that is what love does to you and I was bitten by the worst love bug possible because in those twelve days trip, I was silently praying to meet you.
It was ridiculous. I accept. How can you expect a person to crash into you in a city of two point eight six one million people. But I expected. Badly. Desperately. Blindly.
Eleventh day passed but I didn't get to see you yet my hope was intact. Every place I visited, be it shopping malls, theatre, parks or the historical places, my eyes desperately searched for you. That was idiotic; too damn idiotic. Even my mind was telling me that I was hoping for impossible but this heart wasn't ready to believe.
And it happened. I saw you in the zoo in the last day of my stay in your city. You were busy admiring the monkeys (I still find that weird but I was glad that you were engrossed in them because I got the chance to drink in your appearance). You hadn't noticed me, I was not sure if it is really you if your friends or I don't know who she was, called your name and confirmed that you're there in flesh.
If I was crazy in love before, I went fanatic afterwards. My love for you changed by all means coz it increased ten folds. From that day to now, I love you. Like I have never loved anyone.
You must be wondering why I am telling you this now? Right?
I am telling you this now because I have had enough. I realise that I can't go on like this. I am not some lovestruck fool who is going to live in daydreams. This is a real life and this is not a fiction where i can write my fate however I want and if I want to be happy, I need to move over you. Again, not everyone's first love is successful. Same with mine.
This would be just a piece of paper for you but for me, it is the sum of my love, my life. I plan to not love you, Mr. Raichand and I hope you stay bless and happy in whatever world you are coz for me that would be worth penning it down.
Yours' not meant to be,
Naira