24 // Dani
Sluggish, I leave class feeling worse than when I walked in. I am realizing how behind I am in all my classes. I'm greeted by the stares and passive aggressive comments of my professors who have noticed my absence in the fifteen student classrooms, along with the glares of past group project members that I bailed on. They are all justified to be upset and that makes me feel guiltier than I already do. I get anxious enough in supposedly safe public spaces, but this tension makes me want to shrivel up into a ball.
I use my break between classes to get off campus because I need to breathe without feeling judged. I'm disappointed in myself. I struggled to earn this academic scholarship that keeps me in schools and it looks like I'm wasting it all away for "some mental health issues" as the dean of students put it. I had to meet with up before my first class because of my many unjustified absences and my plummeting GPA. He's not that understanding to begin with, but I didn't realize how ableist and classist he was on top of that.
I walk into the The Green Life, the coffee shop where I met Pris and gave her my number. After not going for a month, even though I was a regular customer, I expected some things to have changed. Maybe different faces sitting at the various tables or new teas for the season or a new hip poster on the wall. But everything stayed the same.
Well, maybe not everything. In the distance, I can see Cindy sitting in the back, reading a book. She's not the type to enjoy an indie coffee shop off to the side of campus while turning the pages of an American classic. I approach her.
"Never thought I'd see you here," I tell her.
She looks up at me, "Sorry I intruded on your territory."
"My territory implies that I come here." I take a seat in front of her.
She puts the book on the table and sips the tea, "You've been here?"
I shake my head.
"If I didn't know something was wrong before, I'd know now. You don't exist without coffee. How are you doing? How you been feeling?"
"I'm, you know, trying. Hanging in there."
"Nothing is more relatable right now, I swear," she replies. "I need this week to end, but it's only Monday. Shit is depressing."
I nod. She checks her phone and starts typing. I check mine too quickly. No text. At least no one wants anything from me. That's good, I guess.
"How are you doing?" I ask her.
She takes a minute to respond, "Tired and out of weed. So a little cranky that I have to study for finals not feeling good."
I nod again. There is a pause. I watch a lock of dark hair fall over Cindy's face as she's still texting whoever, probably some boy. The way she purses her lips, with her red lipstick, is probably how she gets everybody hooked. Everyone has a little crush on Cindy.
"How are things with Pristina?" she asks, eyes still on the phone.
"Good."
She puts her phone down and glares at me. "Really? You're gonna hit me with just 'good'? You've been trying to break up with her for a while."
"What do you mean?"
She starts to mimic me, "I don't know if I should put Pris through this, I feel so guilty, I should just leave."
I scratch the back of my head, "Look, she still means a lot to me, you know, and I enjoy spending time with her."
"Please Dani. You enjoy hearing her call out your name while you're eating her out. You need to leave this little girl alone. She can't handle you or what you're going through."
"Little girl? Pris is mature and has helped through this period in my life."
"Oh really? Is that why you cried on my floor all those nights? Because she was mature and worth confiding in? You're wasting your time."
"I..."
She cuts me off, "If you care about this girl even a little bit. You will break up with her. Stop leading her on. You're not doing well and she needs to focus on her future right now, not on saving you. It was fun while it lasted, a cute love story or whatever, but you need to let this fantasy go. She does not know how to help you and you are dragging her in your misery."
Cindy grabs the book back and starts highlighting some passages. I sit in front of her in awe. Up until now, she'd never been this upfront about my decisions. She usually gives her advice and supports any direction I choose to follow. But, it feels like a wake up call. Maybe I am dragging Pris down in my mess. Just because I am struggling with my life doesn't mean I should be her burden. In the nights that I've spent with Cindy, I've expressed needing to be on my own, needing to find myself again, needing to look for help on my own to, as cheesy as it sounds, reclaim a part of myself. Instead, Pris is asking to do a lot of the work for me. She wants to find a counselor for me. She wants to nurse me back into society basically and I think that is the last thing I need.
"What are we Cindy?" I ask her.
"What do you mean?"
"You and me, what are we exactly?"
"Friends."
"Do you smoke out your friends every other night for free and listen to their problems?"
"Fine. Good friends. I'd say we're good friends."
"This Pris thing isn't because you like me?"
She glares at me again, "Sit your ego down, Dani. I don't want you."
"Fine."
"If I wanted you like that, I would have made you left Pris three weeks ago. So as I said, get over yourself."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"You're only upsetting me now because you think you upset me before. I'm fine, you're just stuck in your own world lately."
I stay silent for a bit. "Yeah you're right."
"You need to text that girl and let her go." She leans forward. "How's your crew doing? I haven't seen Alex in forever."
"They're good, just stressed about exams. Why ask about Alex?"
She smirks, "She wanted to fuck me so bad."
"Who doesn't?" I reply.
She throws me a flirty smile and looks down, "I was never into Alex though. Like whatsoever. She kinda irritates me."
"Is it the cocky part?"
"Please. I fuck cocky people all the time. She's just... she's kinda the worst," she chuckles. "Alex is someone that I would turn down and she would tell anyone that she fucked me real good anyway. I own up to anybody I've messed around with because I'm not ashamed. So, when I say that I have not been with someone, I expect everyone to be like 'wow that other bitch lied then' because they know that I'm so honest."
"I understand that. Alex can be insensitive like that."
"Not insensitive, she's self-centered, egotistical and immature."
Damn. I knew people had disliked Alex as one of my friends but, I never realized to what extent. My exes before Pris stayed silent on the subject of Alex and only one of the girls I was hooking up with had an actual argument with her. I guess I see a different side of her because she has put all that masculinity aside to be a good friend on several occasions. But, looking back, I can see how she is a bit scummy.
As I'm thinking, Cindy has returned to her book. I pull out my phone and swipe to my chat with Pris. I know she's in class right now.
"Hey, I need to talk to you. Meet you later?" I text her.
To my surprise, she answers instantly, "I'll swing by the apartment later."
"We need to break up," I breathe out.
"What? I didn't hear you," Pris tells me.
We're sitting face to face on the couch in the living room. The dog is looking at us, while lying on the floor, eyes worried. My flat mates are at the library studying.
"I said, I think we need to break up," I breathe out again.
"We need to break up?" she repeats.
"Yeah," my voice grows more confident. "I think we should go our own ways. I need to do a lot of work on myself and I really think I'm dragging you down with me. That's unfair. You are worried about important aspects in your life, like college, and you need to be solely focusing on that."
"So you just want to give up?" her voice tinted with rage. Her face is flushed in red.
"It's not giving up. But this isn't healthy. Why were you on your phone when I sent you that text?"
"I always have my phone out."
"No, you didn't used to do that. You used to text me at lunch because you were on break."
She pauses. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"That's what I mean," I say. "I can't let that continue."
Tears start streaming down her face. I want to touch her and tell her that everything will be okay but I know that she won't believe me. I want to comfort her but I know that she's growing angry towards me and there's nothing I can do to soothe that. I feel like this is the right thing to do but it is also tearing me apart. I don't want to watch her leave.
"So this is actually the end," Pris whispers.
"I guess so," I say, keeping myself from crying.
"You are my first real love Dani. I love you with all of my heart. I want to give my all to you if it means that you will be better. You mean the absolute world to me."
"So do you. But I love you enough to know that this is not a healthy situation to keep you in."
Pris wipes her tears quickly and storms out the apartment, slamming the door. It's actually over.
--
Hey everyone. This last segment of It's A Gay Thing will be part 25. I needed to end this book so I can finally feel comfortable moving on from this project. It's been a fun one to write, lots of ups and downs, and I was able to address some topics of interest like homophobia, transphobia, queerness, mental health, love and friendship.
Remember to please vote on the chapters that you enjoyed the most and feel free to comment any thoughts or reactions on the story. I'd love to hear from all of you.