A/n: hey guys 😊 here's the long awaited update. The rest of my chapters are done so expect steady updates from here on out each week. Kayy. Thanks ❤️
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I was nineteen. And a mom. I was... worried one could say. Shaken up by it. But then I held him in my arms.... I touched him, looked into his eyes. Spoke gently to him words of love and protection.
And just like that all my worries flew away.
My mother, who was dead, would've loved him. Jerias who was not awake, would've loved him more.
They don't tell you all the time... but there is a sort of treasure in love, there's a sort of hope. A sense of, everything being okay. Here I was, feeling as though having lost everything. Withered down to the ghost of me. Precious parts of my strength scattered around the house where I wandered and left them. Hope, a distant song from memories. Love, cascading down the walls of this home like tears. Sometimes I looked in the mirror... and I saw something that looked like nothing. This strange and frightening sort of emptiness.
But then... I held him and everything was okay. And it wasn't scary. It was peaceful. Usually love like this... it was scary. Right? Usually... but not with my baby. Not with him. It was okay.
I held him, and everything was okay... and I was brave.
I was in labor for about four hours.
And my baby was born January 4, 12: 02 am. He was a boy with eyes like the ocean, and a voice like an angels choir. And his cries could be heard from down the hall. His laughter felt throughout the soul. And when I held him for the first time I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop thinking...
"He looks just like Jerias doesn't he..." I muttered out to everyone. They'd gathered around me to seize the moment. They stared into the eyes of the small miracle wrapped in my arms.
And when he looked up at me... He smiled a little bit... curling his small hand around my one finger and I melted.
Then those blue eyes shut and I was left just holding him. I don't think David, my doctor, left either. He'd stayed for two weeks after the birth, he'd brought his Amaranthine and his ex wife over to visit. His daughter and her Amaranthine. Kyanna visited, Jaxx, other council members, even some students from the class I taught at school.
They'd all come to visit. And not once did I hear words of dismay. The small baby had captured the hearts of everyone who met him. I loved him far before he was born though... And I just knew he'd do it. This miracle, who had a smile that reminded those of Jerias's, but dimples I heard were from his mother. There's nothing but love emulating from him. And from me to him it was the same.
I barely slept at night for weeks. And I had him sleep with me in my room. Scared for him in this world too far away from me, so for weeks I didn't sleep. For weeks I sat there besides my baby. Humming to him, rocking him to sleep, holding him, just staring sometimes. And I forgot about everyone else. People... did that too sometimes though. Just came and stared as if he was the most mesmerizing thing in the world. But I suppose it was because he was.
Yet the thing was... despite that. There was something scary about this.
Still I had not yet let the baby see Jerias. I was going to though. I just wasn't ready. The choice I had made... it was scary. And it was finite.
The kind of choice that made my heart tremble and my hands shake.
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February 18
"Ohhh, he's growing so fast," Arie says sweetly as she takes the babyy from me and walks around the room rocking him gently in her arms.
"Nosferatus and there super genes."
"Super cells." Arie laughs
"Super everything."
"Makes me a little sad, I was hoping he wouldn't grow so fast."
"Oh but he's still kinda small. Especially for a nosferatu."
"Lucky he isn't craving blood but milk." Arie sighs before siting on the couch.
I scribble my last thoughts of the day in my journal. The one Jerias had gotten me, "David says he will soon though. Just not for now."
"Yeah I know," she whispers, "Think he'll need a lot?"
"Who knows. Doesn't matter to me. I'll love him anyways. I just hope he'll be a good person that's all." I lie down flat on the bed, "But maybe not you know..." David also said he didn't take a lot of blood from me while in my womb, and more of what I'd eaten, which contributed well to his habits."
I smile a little bit wondering if maybe he'll be more like me than he will Jerias. I certainly hope he'll smile more. Be more open so it won't feel like I'm digging 70 feet under just to find out one little bit of information. But then I also hope he'll be just as kind as him, as hopeful, and as brave. I hope the goodness in Jerias gets to live in him even if he dies.
"What were you writing?" Arie ask me.
I stare at the ceiling then, unsure of how to let her know what I'd decided. But I knew she was expecting it. Everyone was. For everyone had heard the news from Dr. Nevayo... the fatal truth.
But I wasn't really ready yet so I tried to talk about something else, "I really don't know what to name him." I say with a light hearted voice.
"The baby? How about Michael?"
"That's too common," I sigh.
Arie laughs, "Of course you'd say no too that with some ridiculous excuse. Weren't you waiting until-" she stops suddenly and the silence that comes after is loud in the room. So she clears her throat and apologizes. But I'm already crying.
So I sit up and look at her.
"I'm sorry Ines-"
"No it's fine I..." shaking my head I smile but it's small and forced, "I was writing a letter," I tell her, "I was writing a letter to Jerias... and I was going to give it to him so he could keep it forever. So that- that when we b-bury him, he'll know how much he was loved. How long we waited and fought," I wipe messy and sudden tears from my face but more flows, "I was writing a letter from the notebook he gave m-me." I cup my face then breath heavily into a my hands, "As if a dead man can read a letter," the words were followed by a short hysterical laugh, then more tears, "I guess I just- wanted something to give him cause... cause it'd make it easier.... saying goodbye." I look to her as if to if she understood, if she'd agree with me and so her almond eyes are glassy as she nods. My voice is much lower, much softer and much calmer when I say, "It's to say goodbye... right?"
Crying some more I hear the word I say ring in my head, "It's time to say goodbye."
It's really time to say good bye and all I can keep selfishly wanting is, "I don't want to say goodbye Arie! He hasn't even seen his son. I-I don't want to say goodbye...!" She was close to me now. I didn't know but she'd put the baby back in the crib as she was now holding my shaking body.
"Shhh shhh..." I know she keeps holding me as if it'd make it stop. As if it'd make all of this stop, "Ines look at me."
"I don't want to say goodbye."
"Ines!"
"This is so h-hard! But David? He-He said Jerias is not going to wake up ever. That's his cells are dying and he's only getting worse. Can you imagine? He's probably hurting or something and all I can do is try to wait to see if he'll wake up. But he'll never wake up Arie. He's dying and its time to just let him- him die! And I can't do it... it's killing me! It's killing me! It killing me! It's so hard, this is so-"
"Ines," she pulls my face up so I'm looking at her. My face terribly wet, "Look at me, I understand, I understand." She softens her voice, "And I'm not going to tell you that it's okay. It's not. None of this is. But... you're going to take your baby to Jerias's room. You're going to sit down next to him with the baby in your arms. And you're going to let them meet... you're going to talk to them, stay with them for as long as you need to. You're going to let Jerias and the baby meet. Tell stories, tell them how much you love them both... take your time let it all out. And then, when your ready, you're going to say good bye to Jerias. The... The Beings will let him go. And he'll die. And we'll be with you the whole time, we'll stay with you. We'll all say good bye, you- you'll say good bye," tears are streaming down her face as she speaks now, "The Beings will let him go, and then that'll be it. And it's going to be hard Ines. So hard. But it's time. So when you find yourself ready? That's what we'll do." She stroke my shoulders whispering, "Okay? That's what we'll do. That's what you'll do. It's what we all have to do. And you won't be alone at all..."
My lips tremble and I squeeze my eyes shut, letting out a desperate, desperate sound. A sob that I let out from the soul of me, and I hold on tightly to Arie. Crying out into her shoulders. And I don't speak but I nod, telling her okay.
Okay...
I love him. I'll always love him.
But it's time to say goodbye.
So when I'm ready... the end will come. And I'll have to start a new without him.
My baby will never know his father... but I have to say goodbye.
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The news spread fast to the members of this home.
And when the decision traveled to the council they'd finally made an open announcement to the citizens of the city. Even nosferatus and Amaranthines who weren't in Romania but spread out across the world heard the news quickly. Their suspicions were confirmed. Yes, Jerias was alive. But no he wasn't going to stay alive. He was dying. And his funeral was to be held two day from today, February 23, his body will be rode down the central city's Main Street. All the way to the cemetery, family, close friends, and council members riding with him.
People- some people were okay with it. Despised him for what he'd done to the system that once was. But everyone else... everyone with love and kindness in their hearts, they mourned him. And I felt guilty.
Yet not alone.
We'd called doctor Davids one more time to let him know of our decision, but I had hoped he'd gotten different news. That's something changed and he was going to tell me if we waited a little bit more then Jerias would wake up.
But he only told us okay and accepted the invite to the funeral.
And when we hung up. I really knew then that was it.
Hence why now I have my baby in my arms and walking to Jerias's room. And I kept thinking to the moment in my life just like this.
"Cherish the precious moments dear. This... is one of those precious moments."
"Saying goodbye to you mom?"
"Yes," she smiles sweetly holding her hand out and I take it but her squeeze is faint just as her voice was. She was growing weak, drifting away like the leaves of fall in the shifting into winter, "Saying goodbye. Saying hello. Talking to me one more time."
"The last time."
"And that's a precious moment dear... you know why...?"
"Why?" I sniffed.
"Because... then you can take this moment. In your heart, forever. There's a collection in your heart dear. A collection of precious moments. And you take it with you wherever you go. Forever. Honey look at me..."
I had tried lifting my head but it was heavy. Like my heart was at the time. I remember when she died, I had pushed all my friends away. Slowly I stopped talking to each one and it was easy to do. I'd no longer lived close to them anymore, I no longer attended their school. And I let the loneliness consume me. I let the empty feeling be my comfort, I let hurt bleed throughout my body and my bones. And I forgot how to smile mostly.
I eventually I coped though. Eventually, the small talk became easy. Eventually, high school became easier. Eventually, people and the world became easier, breathing became easier.
But who I was before. It didn't return. It never came back to me. The precious moments of what I once was, wasn't there anymore.
I didn't think it ever would. I thought it was impossible at one point in my life. Before all of this. Before him, my baby. I believed that for a long long time...
And I wonder?
Did Jerias feel like this too before he met me?
"Honey..." my mom called because I still wouldn't look at her. I was too busy crying, mourning earlier than I should have. She wasn't gone yet and all she wanted was to talk to me, spend her last precious moment with me. And I couldn't stop crying.
I couldn't stop crying.
"Please Ines..."
"It hurts inside mom." I moaned looking at her with a depressed stricken face.
"I know baby. I know baby..." she stroked my arm, "but listen to me okay. Listen."
"I'm listening," I wiped my tears but more came and my lips trembled, "I'm listening."
"You take this moment. You take all these precious moments into your heart. And let them live. And so I will live forever."
"Forever mom?" I questioned hopelessly. I wondered how could she live forever if she was dying in front of me right then and there. How could forever happen when we didn't have forever. When forever wasn't real.
"Forever." She reached over to me and immediately I sat closer to her pulling my chair. And she touched my chest where my heart beat lying underneath the skins and bones of me, "In your heart Patience. You'll never be alone. Can you try and remember that for me? Can you believe that much? That you won't be alone."
Sniffing heavily I hiccuped and climbed into the hospital bed with her, "Okay mommy..." she hugged me and stroked my hair, "Okay."
And we talked that day endlessly. The hours until the end approached too quickly but we talked still. Sharing precious moments. Precious words. Precious promises that I'll never give up and find love and I'll make her proud.
And it was beautiful. Even when I said goodbye. Even when the precious moment passed.
I thought... maybe it's not over.
And it wasn't.
"Look!" I whisper excitedly to my baby who looks up at me with wide curious eyes, "It's dad." I point to Jerias sitting next down to him.
And then I take his small body. And let the baby rest besides Jerias, smiling as I notice how much they look alike and then I wondered if this was how Jerias looked when he was a baby.
"You would've loved him so much Jerias..." I huff out then and rub the baby's stomach, "He's so cute. But I'm a little scared he'll be too much like you, he barely cries. But he laughs a lot..." moving my fingers to tickle his stomach and he laughs then, "It's the sweetest thing."
"You cutie..." I whispered my eyes wet now, "It's so unfair that you guys won't meet. It would've been so good."
So so good.
To think... that everything was that close to being perfect. To being okay.
Humming softly I stroke the baby's cheek, wondering what I'll name him finally. But for now, I just continue to hum to him, because his smile has dropped and I wonder if perhaps the baby has felt my woes. Felt that the end of his father's life was coming to a near.
For now, I hum softly until the Beings come and my baby is asleep and put to rest in his crib... I let him because I don't know what to say, and I don't want to really have to say anything, afraid if I do I'll just cry again... and so the time comes quickly where my baby is asleep.
"He sleeps so quickly," I whisper to no one. To Jerias, "Like you... a little bit."
I move my hand away from the baby and face forward, my hands folded. Breathing heavily I stare at the door, the little dresser beside the bed, the mirror at the ceiling and opposite wall and I pull my feet from touching the grey carpeted floor to under my legs as I fold them.
And I begin to wonder what I'll do to this room after. Do I keep his stuff? Sell it? They took most of my moms stuff... All I ever had from her was the notebook. Maybe I should just keep everything thing the way it is? Just lock the room away forever. Maybe then I can come back here sometimes and feel like nothing's changed. But maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it'll hurt too much to come here and remember everything. But how could I just gather everything and put it away? I want to save it. I want to save him.
"Remember when I said I was going to tell you I love you every five seconds?" I mumble out quietly, "Part of me, kind of wishes that I did that so much earlier. Told you that I love you."
I lean back a little shrugging my shoulders, "But I had to wait. I had to wait for you to be ready. I was so scared and I don't want to just, you know, fall and not know if I was going to find you there with me. And you're a circus ride Jerias... But it was interesting. And I think that just why I loved you so much. I see... saw myself in you. And I felt such comfort."
Sighing I run my hand over my face and find that my eyes have become wet, "When I tell you... I love you. Now. In this moment. It will be the last time Jerias... and when I had to tell my mom I loved her for the last time too, she told me that I had to cherish the precious moments..." finally I look over at him but my vision blurs with colors and familiar faces and my mind mingles with colorful memories, distant dreams of what was supposed to be, then the horrid mess of what was and so I touch his face, "And this is one of those precious moments," I try to whisper to him but my voice is so broken, "This is supposed to be one of those precious moments. So I love you. And I'll always love you. Even after this is over and I say goodbye. I love you. And I want to thank you, for being there with me. And I'm so so happy we met."
Lying over, I rest my head on his stomach and I reach over to touch my- our baby. And I pretend that Jerias is awake for a moment, just lying there and as a family we were okay. And I try not to cry anymore. Because he wasn't dead yet, so it's too early to start mourning and so I had to cherish this precious moment.
And so I did.
And it wasn't over, it was never over.
It never will be. Even when I say those final words. I let the precious moment live forever in my heart.
"Goodbye Jerias..." my voice was hushed but the words were so loud in my ears. They rung, in my heart, in my mind, and it never stopped. It became finite. I finally said goodbye.
Arie came into the room and without saying much, took the baby, and brought him to his room where he could sleep and we could get the Beings to the Jerias. Everyone else waited in their spare rooms until the Beings actually came. They were late. But I was thankful for it, the longer they took the more time I had.
"He's sleeping soundly in his room. Where's everyone else?" Arie comes back into the room.
"I don't know," I bring my arms around my body hugging myself. It was cold, and I wondered if it was just the temperature or the icy feeling rushing through my blood and bones, "Waiting for the Beings I guess," I turn to Arie away from Jerias and look at her, "Thank you, by the way."
"It's no problem," she pats my shoulder and makes a face I recognize all to well.
The kind I despised, and I wondered why people did that. Sorrow was everywhere. It didn't stop. Not for anyone, and I hold no special account with it. I look back at her then and I just as quickly remember that this was hers too. Maybe it's just cause people don't know what else to do. The look of pity, of sadness, and attempt. How does a person react "normally"?
You don't maybe.
You just do it. Get it over with. Suck it up.
Right? It's supposed to be that easy right? "How are you doing Arie?" I ask her.
Her faces kind of drops and she looks surprised at me, "Wha..." and then there they were. The brokenness of the souls seeping through the exterior.
I wonder if anyone else ever noticed... the way tears form then fall, like small water falls. It was beautifully honest. Painful. But honest and beautiful.
"You guys were really good friends after all," I whisper in an understanding way. I didn't want anyone to hold back today. Today was the day. Today was it. So let it be.
"They're about a minute away," Ronan pops his head into the room.
Both of us turn to look at him at the same time, "Okay." I nod with a small smile.
"Come inside Ronan you don't have to wait in our room." Arie says softly making her way to him.
She touches his faces and he looks at her with his sunken eyes, it was red where it supposed be white and one can tell immediately that he's been crying. My heart skips a painful beat and I blink rapidly looking away from the two of them. I remind myself repeatedly that this was a decision we'd all made together. That I'm not just giving up, we have to do this. And it feels like I have to do this for so long. My eyes squeezed shut as I sit down, trying to keep from crying again.
"Ines?"
I can't do this now...
"Ms. Archer?" Its one of the Beings.
"Being." I stand quickly walking behind her, "H-Hi." I hadn't realized she'd come, along with all the others, "Hello to everyone... Sorry I didn't even know-"
"It's fine," she smiles softly after pulling her hoodie down revealing her beautiful white face.
I look around the room after smiling back and I try not to show the discomfort on my face but I know I was failing at doing so as I meet the gaze of everyone.
Arie, Ronan, Markys, Jasper. The closest people to him. And then, there was me.
"Is everyone ready?" Markys asks in the silence of the room.
Someone answers yes for everyone else but I don't know who. I just follow them as they gather around his bed. The Beings stand at the foot of Jerias's bed while the rest of stand close to the side of the bed.
"Does... anyone want to say anything?" Being questions.
Nobody answers and the Beings take it as a no. But it's okay because this wasn't the funeral yet. And we probably didn't want to start mourning earlier than we should. It would make things harder, and it would be rude. There's more to this than just death and mourning. There was respect. Respect and precious moments. And held whispered I love yous, closely in one fragile bruised heart, filling it up to its content and more, and respecting, cherishing a precious moments.
So even when the Beings start chanting quietly, even when they're done and I hear them say something about how his heart will stop soon after a few minutes- maybe more because he'll stop breathing. And most of his organs will stop functioning since they were dead or mostly dead. And after his heart stops beating, they'll be nothing anyone else can do.
Even while we wait for it to happen, and I feel Arie's hand slip into mine. I see it all as precious moments.
And I take the moment to not ask God why he has done this to me... to him, Jerias.
But to thank him for allowing us to meet...
And then we all silently wait.
It was meant to be peaceful though, and yet all I heard were sounds, rushing screams sounds, rage, and battles.
"Arie!" Ronan tries to push both me and her out of the way but his body was thrown back fiercely against the wall. And I see him flying through the air with my eyes wide open almost in amazement. Then Arie runs after him screaming bloody Mary. There are tears in her wild eyes and her arms are flailing around as she runs to him across the room. And I can't stop watching.
What are the odds this would happen? We were just trying to do this one thing right. And yet even this small moment couldn't really work.
So what were the odds? How much crueler can the world be? Can life be?
Much crueler. So much crueler.
Crueler than the laughter that cackled loudly and wildly, mostly angrily in the room. And I wondered if it was louder for me than to anyone else because he was so close to my body. I could feel his sickly bloody hand around my neck, the other at my chin.
"Stupid silly girl."
I watch everyone look up at me. Horror screeching in their eyes, and I have to remind myself that I wasn't the monster. Someone else was, but then I also scream. To remind myself that I should be scared cause it seemed... I was just about to die. Expect, I feel so numb, and I wonder if after all, I was the monster.
"You human thing! I came at the perfect time haven't I. You've no idea how long I waited for this. I've got rid of Jerias love. I'll do the same with you and that sinful creation you call your baby... It's an abomination that thing.
"N-Nikolai..." Ronan tries to stand but he screams out in pain, there's a lot of blood seeping out of his stomach and so when he tries to stand he only falls back to the ground and Arie tries to whisper something to him but I can't hear it.
"Nikolai..." I almost laugh but instead speak lowly, "Weren't you arrested?"
"Those men work for me, you vile creature. Yet dare you to think you can have me put away so easily do you?" Again he laughs and I feel his finger stroke my neck before he lowers his head close to the easily breakable skin of mine.
"Ah ah ah..." he steps back and pulls my body with him. And I realize it's to retreat from the Beings who may have attempted something. But still it's all a blur and I think I'm crying. I kept thinking of my son. My son. My son. What about my son? Who will help him? Who will raise him? How will he live without both his parents?
"Any of you try anything and I promise you she's dead..." he sighs lowly into my neck, "I just want a bit of blood from the thing. Surely you can't deprive me of my most dire needs, can you?"
I hear someone yell before I realize what will happen, "You can join your lover in the afterlife," he whispers.
Am I going to really die...? No.
No. No. No!
"No!" I start thrashing out of his hold. I kick, scream and punch into the air. I do everything to try and get away from him, "Noo! No!"
But it hurts so badly. The pain of his fangs in my neck. They hurt terribly bad, it burns and feels as though knives have cut the skin at my neck. Even the sound of him drinking hurts. And I want to keep fighting. But the pain weakens me. The pain weakens me.
So I hold out my hand... towards Jerias's bed and wonder if he's already stopped breathing.
Someone's rushing towards me. Trying to save me perhaps.
But... all I can think about is whether or not Jerias will really be there waiting for me when I die.
All I can do is pray my son will be loved and happy no matter what happens.
All I can do is ask God for this one last thing, to let me live. To at least just let me live...
But life was funny. Life was unfair. And so sorrow was everywhere, and I held no special account with it.
Not even with precious moments.
* POV Switch *
There was knock at the door and the doctor didn't even look up. He was beginning to worry. A month has gone by since the baby's birth at the Ermanno household, and he wasn't trying anything. Nothing that could save the man that saved him. That saved his daughter and relationship. He'd divorced his wife, which took time as it seems many people were divorcing at this time. But not many have married yet, and he was to attend the wedding his ex-wife would be having with her Amaranthine. Rumor was she'd be the first to marry with an Amaranthine. But rumor also was that Kyanna, ex-wife of council member Jaxx, was to marry to Sebastian, her Amaranthine.
At the end of it though, for David, it only seemed fair that Jerias married his Amaranthine first if she was willing of course. But at this rate, one could tell he would not be waking up and he can remember even now the way Ms. Archer's voice wavered when she spoke to him.
The way she breathed heavily when he told her she had to let him go, he had dreaded the idea of having to break the news to his family. To everyone else who looked up to him, who followed his word. And yet he did it still. Because it was his job. Because she deserved to know.
Just like his father before him, Jerias was a great leader. And a brave man.
Sighing heavily he removes his glasses throwing the paper he'd received earlier two weeks ago from the higher level nosferatus from before. They'd Quested his blood and found nothing in there that could help. It made him furious, how could they quest someone's blood and find nothing!?
Useless! That's what they were.
And yet he had found nothing in Jerias's blood either, though. All he'd found was quickly dying blood cells.
And it killed him that it was time to say goodbye to such a good man. His kind has not many of them just as his kind had not been fully trusting of him either.
And now he was going to die an unfair death.
The door knocks again suddenly and he pinches the bridge of his nose leaning back in his chair, "Come in!" He called but in his voice, you can hear how terribly tired he was. Stress weighed down on him heavily, and only just now did he began to truly mourn.
"Lala," he smiles at the woman who enters. Her long dark hair pulled into a ponytail. Her brown eyes soft and tired, creamy brown skin warm in the low dim light of his office, "How are you darling?" He lifts his head higher to look at her as she walks around the desk to him.
"How am I?" She says questionably with a smile, her Arab roots seeping into the accent of her words, "Look at you? You look so stressed."
He huffs out then looks at the folder in her hands, "What's this?" He ignores her question.
"I sent your assistant home." She smiles sweetly and hands him the folder, "She was rather happy. You shouldn't keep her here so late. She's a family you know?"
"Much like I do." David pulls the papers out the folder a bit distracted. It was from the higher Level nosferatus, "Where'd you find this Lala? Did she give it too?"
"Yes. Why what is it? Something important?" She reaches over the back of his chair leaning over his shoulder peaking at the paper. "Yes," the man starts saying happily as he reads, but then he stops abruptly.
They were releasing Jerias's support right now he realized. "It's too late," he whispered even as he read the good news on the paper from the Quest Labs. Even as he tried calling someone from the home, he knew it was too late. No one answered.
His Amaranthine kept questioning him on what was wrong and he only kept answering with a devastated look, "It's too late. It's too damn late!"
Little did he know how to little to late it really was.