Chengdu wasn't a city I'd originally planned to visit, but a number of travelers I'd met along the way highly recommended it, and it was on the way back to Tianjin. So I went.
Chengdu is the capital of Sichuan Province, surrounded by mountains. Four major rivers intersect in Sichuan, as the word literally means: "four rivers", and Chengdu means: the capital of a city. Because of its physical location, the weather is always warm and humid and cloudy, the perfect breeding ground for beautiful girls, by Chinese standards. Everywhere you go, you'd see SiChuan girls in booty shorts showing off their slender legs wrapped in milky skin. If Chengdu had a word, it'd be SEX.
I got into Chengdu on a bus from JiuZhaiGou, (which by the way has the most incredible looking waters in the world - crystal clear waters in shades of half the rainbow), and arrived at the hotel in the afternoon, exhausted.
I took a nap, and woke up around 8 feeling hungry. I went out to old town Chengdu, and ordered some glass shao mai at a snack stand. And man, are they the best shao mai I've ever tasted. For those of you unfamiliar with Chinese cuisine, shao mai are steamed buns with pork filling inside. They look like flower buds in half-bloom. It's a very common dish in dim sum. But glass shao mai is a completely different species. The wonton wrap is white, almost translucent (hence the name – Glass), not the traditional yellow. It's DE-licious.
I tried a few other local specialties, spicy dragon wontons – basically wontons bathed in a combination of soy sauce, chili oil and sesame oil; zhong dumplings, deep fried oily tea, which is kind of like the Chinese version of poutine, minus the cheese. Not recommended.
It was 9, and the streets were beginning to look empty. The lady at the shao mai stand started talking to me, asking where I was from, shocked to hear that I was traveling alone, and not with my husband, or boyfriend, or friends, or family, or at the very least with a tour group. I always got that reaction from people. I suppose lone female backpackers are less common in China, where people still hold the notion that it's dangerous for a girl to travel alone and it must be a lonely journey. What people sometimes miss about traveling alone is that you don't bring your own bubble with you. You're completely immersed in the environment that is around you, which allows you to meet a lot more interesting people that you would not otherwise get to meet. Yes there will be some lonely moments, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to meet people, on trains, in hostels, at noodle stands, on stage, or just walking on the street. The world is friendly.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" She asked and was shocked again to find that at the jurassic age of 26, I was still single.
"You should start looking soon. My daughter is 28 and her baby is already 4. Do you watch that dating show on television? Fei Cheng Wu Rao? You should sign up. Even if none of the men on stage pick you, there are millions watching. They can write you letters. It'll probably lead you to many more men." And then she proceeded to tell me in great detail an episode of the show complete with vital statistics such as the men's age, profession, income level, dating background. "Very eligible bachelors," she concluded, giving me a stern look which meant to say, 'you should take this seriously.'
I nodded along. Amused by her concern. I didn't share that I was from Canada, and therefore couldn't go on the show. I didn't want to burst her bubble.
It's lovely to be away from home, and yet still feel enveloped by an invisible layer of care – care from strangers who have had nothing to do with you in the past, and probably will have nothing to do with you in the future, but would give you warmth even for the briefest moments of your encounter. Here a shao mai lady is giving me some very creative advice on how to end life in solitude. Although she seemed to have little faith in my ability to attract the "very eligible bachlors" who actually went on the show. I was probably too old.
While I was eating and chatting, I was seriously debating whether to contact Han. On the one hand, he was the only person I knew in Chengdu. On the other, based on my keen observations in Lijiang Old Town, he seemed to be a bit of a womanizer. Would I become "victim" to his trained pick-up tactics? And heaven forbid, fall in love with him?
It was a Saturday night. It certainly didn't look like I was going to meet anyone at this joint. Ushered by the twin devils of boredom and loneliness, I texted Han, letting him know I was in town. Period.
It had been a month since Lijiang, and we'd had minimal contact in the interim. Would he even respond?
I went back to eating my dessert - an egg soy pudding in a dark red sauce, and continued to chat with the shao mai lady while she knitted pants for her grandson.
'Ding...Ding' my cellphones announced excitedly the arrival of a text message. Much to my surprise, Han wrote back right away and warmly offered to show me around town.
That night, he took me to a trendy nightclub, got bottle service, introduced me to his friends, and somewhere along the way, picked up a bunch of pretty girls. Han is such a restless womanizer. I doubt if he could stay still for one whole evening without making an attempt to pick up a girl or two. It's so easy and natural for him. It's his number one hobby and addiction. For most people, self-actualization is achieved through doing good deeds for society. He achieves self-actualization through picking up women. It's where he derives meaning for his existence.
I couldn't tell if the girls worked at the club, or if they were actual patrons. He then bought every girl a teddy bear, and me, a bouquet of roses.
Sometimes I really don't understand him. Was this his pick-up tactic at work again? Showing me how popular he is with the ladies, demonstrating his generosity, and making me feel special by giving me a teddy bear and a bouquet of roses?
Was this supposed to make me want to have sex with him?
At the end of the night, we went out to eat, and while we were waiting for food, Han did an appalling thing. He asked for another girl's number, in front of me. I felt my face grow hot with embarrassment. I tried my best to conceal my feelings, and was straining my face to keep it expressionless that it felt like stiff rubber. I wasn't sure if he was getting her number for himself or for his good friend who had been hitting on her all night long. Regardless of the reason, I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible without making a scene. So immediately after we'd finished eating, I told him I was going back to the hotel. He insisted that I stay. I insisted that I leave. Seeing that I was so persistent on leaving, he did something very strange.
He started listing all my flaws, "I notice you never raise your glass to drink with people. And you're kind of pretty, but not as pretty as some of my other girlfriends. Why is your skin so rough?"
I couldn't hold back my anger any longer, "Why do you have to put me down like this? If there are so many things you don't like about me, why do you want me to stay? Why am I even here in the first place? Why don't you go hang out with your pretty girlfriends? You know what, go hang out with them now!"
I turned around to leave. Han grabbed my wrist and said, "Do you really want to know why?"
I nodded, glaring at him in anger and curiosity..
"I will tell you if you promise to stay," he negotiated.
"I would only stay if you promise to sleep on the couch." I demanded
.
"Ok fine. I'll sleep on the couch," he promises.
"Ok, so what is it?" I ask.
Han paused, cast his eyes down for a moment, then lifted his head to look at me, "It's because you're too good."
And for the rest of the night, he kept his promise.
---------------------------------------------
The next day, Han took me to a SiChuan Spicy Hot Pot restaurant. It is a must-try for tourists. Basically it's a pot of boiling chicken broth and chili oil, and you can put thin slices of pork, beef, lamb, fish, vegetables, tofu, in it and eat it with a dipping sauce. The main ingredient for the dipping sauce is a cup of sesame oil sprinkled with diced garlic so when you dip your spicy food in it, it's coated with oil, and goes down smoothly without burning your mouth; in the cup of sesame oil, Han added for me some oyster sauce, soy sauce, ground chili powder, cumin flakes, Sichuan pepper, and a touch of cilantro.
And for drinks? Peanut milk.
In the afternoon, Han took me to experience afternoon tea in Chengdu. The people of Chengdu are a very relaxed bunch. Similar to the Italians they really know how to enjoy life. On Sunday afternoons, people like to go to teahouses, chat over sunflower seeds, and gamble a bit with card games. The teahouse we went to had an expansive outdoor patio so large that it is in itself a little park, with ponds of gold fish and summer pavilions.
While Han and his friends played cards, I took myself on a walk along the river to Lan Kwai Fang – Chengdu's newest clubbing and afternoon tea district, an imitation of Hong Kong's Lan Kwai Fang, and came across the cutest cake store. It's a fairyland of cakes each telling a different story. There were cakes made into Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Beauty and the Beast, SpongeBob SquarePants, castles and cottages, princesses and elves, and even a vegetable stall with mushrooms, onions, cucumbers, and bacon hanging from a string, all edible from top to bottom. I bought a whole box of their afternoon tea assortment platter, and took it back to eat with Han and friends. They looked so pretty and delicate, I didn't want to eat them for fear I'd disturb them from their beauty sleep. When I'd finished with admiring the loveliness of the cakes, I finally took a small bite. It's not overly sweet, light and airy and fluffy, like little puffs of cloud.
For dinner, we went to another hot pot joint on a university campus, and met some more of Han's friends. Interestingly, and much to my delight, one of them happened to be in the Special Forces of the Chinese military. He could shoot a gun, Sanda (or free fighting, which is a type of martial arts derived from traditional Kung Fu and modern combat fighting techniques developed by the Chinese military), jump out of a helicopter and land in one piece, and do all those cool and crazy things you see in action/adventure movies. After I'd calmed myself down from being so up close and personal with someone so...Double O Seven, we got into this interesting discussion about marriage.
There's a well-known phrase in China called, "the red flag flies at home, while colorful flags flutter outside." The red flag is referring to the wife, and colorful flags are referring to the mistresses. That's the motto Han and his friends live by.
Han firmly believes that the "red flag colorful flag" philosophy is the way to longevity in a marriage. "If we fight or get bored of each other, I go out and meet a few pretty girls. A couple of days later, I come home and I'm all happy, and I'll want be nice and make it up to my wife."
Everyone at the table nodded in agreement, all men except me.
"If you want to play around for life, then why get married?" I asked, completely confused by their logic.
His Special Forces friend said, "What's the most attractive trait in a man?"
"Confidence?" I replied, (or man in a uniform?) not sure where he was going with this.
"It's responsibility. Family is responsibility. Men provide for their families, take good care of the wife and kids. It's the most important quality in a man."
("They use the wife to get more girls," my friend David later analyzed.)
"How are you being responsible to your wife if you're fooling around with ten other women?"
They didn't respond, looking at me as if to say, "you really don't get it do you?"
I guess to them, loyalty isn't part of the responsibility of a husband.
"If you want loyalty in a man, you'll have a hard time finding a husband," concluded the Special Forces guy at last. With the rest of the table nodding in agreement again, hammering in the last nail on the coffin. So am I supposed to put up with this? Is this how Chinese men are???
After dinner, Han's girlfriend called him asking when he was coming home. There was desperation in her voice. He made some comforting noises and said he was out having dinner with friends.
Later we went to the airport to pick up one of Han's friends. In the car Han explained to me, "We're not bad people. In fact, we're a group of very motivated young men who are passionate about life. We are very serious and dependable when it comes to business. If any of my friends need a few hundred thousand in loan, I can get it sorted out for them like that," he snapped his fingers, "Easy. We enjoy the company of women, all men do. We're just really honest about it. Of course, if we end up having sex in the end, it'd be cherry on top, but if that doesn't happen, it's ok too."
I looked at him in silence. Not sure how to process the radical new concept he just presented to me.
"Too bad you're from so far away," Han continued, "Let me know when you get married. I'll send a friend to your wedding."
"Why?" I asked.
"He'll bring you gifts. And see if the man you're marrying deserves you," Han said.
"Why don't you just marry her yourself?" Another friend in the car chimed in.
"Can't. I'm taken already." Han concluded.
After meeting the guy we picked up at the airport – Xie Ge, I began to see the kind of man Han wanted to become. Xie Ge is a man in his forties, with a plump belly, and a driver who drives him around in a black Mercedes-Benz. Married, successful, keeps a few girlfriends on the side.
Han's relationship with Xie Ge is similar to that of a pimp and sugar-daddy one. I witnessed this with Han and a girl at dinner. Han transfers women he picks up to his friends like merchandise. He would flirt with her all night, so that Xie Ge could splurge 2000 RMB on dinner, followed by bottle service, hold her hand at the end of the evening, and then get a room at a five star hotel. Oftentimes the girl would not come back to the hotel with them, and the cycle continues with the next lady in question. Han's gift is in providing an endless supply of ladies, kind of like a pimp, except these ladies are not whores. They are mostly young girls still going to university.
Women to them are a status symbol, a collection of brand name shirts. A successful man not only provides for his family, wife and kids, but also supports a number of mistresses outside. Marriage is part of the image. There's nothing enviable about a man in his 40'ies, unmarried, dates one girl after another, no matter how wealthy he is. That's not the definition of true success. That's just sad.
I've never met Han's girlfriend, or seen her picture. Some say she looks like "Gong Li", a famous Chinese actress. One time, when there was no one around, I asked Han, "Why does she want to marry you, knowing your sexual escapades with other women?" I got a response that sounded very close to the truth, "Because I take care of her. She doesn't come from a rich family."
Han carries a skewed, or rather morbid, view of the role men play in women's lives. He seems to think, as long as I have money, I can provide for the woman, or women, they'll always be around. And that he can do whatever he wants, while the woman he's with must stay loyal to him and only him. It amazes me that there are women who'll tolerate this in this day and age. Forever dominant and in control, perhaps this is the Chinese macho-man mentality. I once asked him, "What if one day, your girlfriend can't take it anymore and dumps you?" He put the salt and pepper shakers in a line and said to me, "Do you see this lineup of people? As soon as she leaves, someone next in line will take her place."