He kept on kissing me deeper and deeper until I had enough. I shoved him away from me then I kick his shin. He hops on one foot while holding his shin in pain and I look at him in disgust. A single tear of anger starts running down my face as I clenched my fists.
"How...How dare you!" I call out then he looks at me with widened eyes. "How dare you act like a friend towards me, all the way up until now! You continued to lure me in as a best friend and you took care of me like I was your sister, but NOOOO, all you wanted was for me to fall for you, just so you could take fucking advantage of me!" I yell then I grit my teeth at him as I scoff.
"Disgusting bastard..." I mutter then I stormed out of the room.
I crossed my arms as I walked throughout the halls to my dorm. I was holding back tears right now, but it was so difficult because I felt betrayed. I kept on biting my tongue and suffocating my breaths just to keep myself concealed.
Once I walked into my dorm, I saw that Han Sung was laying in his bed playing with his hair and all the others were dead asleep. He looks up and he sees me with my arms crossed then he sat up and pats the spot next to him.
I walk over to his bed then sat down next to him and he puts his hand over mine. I could care less at this point since what do I have to lose? I am not a virgin pretty much, my best friend stole my first kiss, my dignity is gone, what is there to fucking lose?!
"What happened...?" Han Sung asks me in his tired and groggy voice.
I look at him as tears broke from my eyes and his eyes widened. I began to sob as Han Sung wraps his arms around my torso and I bury my face into his chest. It made everything even more difficult around me since I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stand being near Ji Dwi anymore.
~~~~~~~~
"He what!?" Ah Ro asks me as I laid down on the bed in the nurse's room.
I look at her and nodded as I played with my hair. She only shook her head and clicked her tongue as I sat up with a pouting lip.
"That's what you get for being pretty!" Ah Ro blames and I glare at her. "Many guys already give you enough compliments and you screw around with them, so that explains everything!" Ah Ro adds and I scoff.
"I only screw around with the men that you owe debts to. No one else, not even close." I deny then I sigh. "But you're the one that got more of Eomma's beauty and I look more like Dad."
"That's because you wear men's clothing!" Ah Ro calls out then I scoff as I stood up.
"I suggest that you leave before I start to get pissed off." I suggest as I grit my teeth.
She looks at me in shock since I have never talked to her like that before. She then picks up the skirt of her dress and runs out of the office quickly. I keep my fists clenched as I heard the door open again and I sit down.
"You look angry." Ji Dwi comments and I look at him with hatred as he smirks. "What happened to you?" He asks me then I look down at the ground.
He then sits down next to me and puts his hand on my head and I smack his arm away. He looks at me with his pokerface as I shot daggers into his eyes. He knew I was angry and he wouldn't be able to fix it ever again.
I stand up and start walking away from him then he grabs my wrist tight to make me stop walking. I look down at him as he looks at me with his puppy dog eyes. I clench my fist even harder as he held onto me tighter.
"Why are you avoiding your best friend?" Ji Dwi asks me then he smirks. "The person who saved your life when you were twelve years old..." He adds then I grit my teeth, to the point that they could shatter.
"Why are you calling 'your best friend', when I don't consider you as one anymore?" I ask him and he looks at me in shock.
I yank my wrist out of his grasp then start walking away. I leave Ah Ro's office and start heading to class for the test today. I sat down in front of Han Sung and sit with my arms crossed then I felt something being pressed against my back.
"What the-" I start saying then I look back at Han Sung and he put pieces of paper against my back. "Are you going to cheat?!" I ask him quietly and he puts a finger over his mouth.
"Keep a secret..." He whispers and I roll my eyes.
We then began the test and I wrote three simple words. "왕은 존재하지 않는다" it means, "The King Does Not Exist". I then folded up my piece of paper and I finished my test. I then laid my head down on my desk and began to fall asleep.
"How dare you disrespect me like that, you filthy child!" Hyun-Je exclaims as he hits me once again and I fall to the ground.
I could hear Han Sung weeping as he tried to catch his breath. Dan Se held onto him in comfort to make sure he didn't watch me get abused. Hyun-Je had gotten angry at Han Sung because he wouldn't listen. I stood up to Hyun-Je and pushed Han Sung out of the way and disrespected Hyun-Je severely.
"J-Jae-Eun..." Han Sung mutters then Hyun-Je grabs my wrist and squeezes it as he held me in the air.
"Agree of the disgusting half-bone you are!" Hyun-Je commands and I swallowed my words. "Say that you don't deserve to live and you're a disgrace to your father's name!" Hyun-Je demands and I bit my lip.
"No!" I argue then he punches my stomach with his free hand.
I yelp in pain as everyone around us looked at both Hyun-Je and I in shock. I disrespected him again and I was really going to get it this time. He twirls me around and looks at me up and down then he smirks.
"Since you're so feisty and you're protective over my grandsons, do me a favor and come with me." Hyun-Je suggests and my eyes widened.
I then began to scream on the top of my lungs and struggle. He threw me over his shoulder and began to carry me back to his home. I was hitting his back and kicking his chest as he smacked my behind, hard, to make me shut up.
"Jae Eun!" Han Sung yells as him and Dan Se ran after me.
I held my hands out to them and they each grabbed one of my hands. They began to pull me and I pulled myself towards them and fell into Han Sung's arms. I was sobbing my heart out then I felt a hard smack on my back. I gripped onto Han Sung's clothes tight as he held onto me tighter.
"Ahn Jae Eun." Hyun-Je says then I look up at him and he had his arms crossed.
I then let go of Han Sung as I stood back up, but he held onto my hands. I look down at Han Sung and he was begging me with his eyes to not go with his grandfather. I held onto Han Sung's tightly, assuring him I would be okay and he began to cry even more.
"Please..." Han Sung begs then I yank my hand out of his grasp.
"I'll...be okay." I assure Han Sung.
I then turn my back to him as I walk behind his grandfather to his home. Han Sung was screaming for my name and I clenched my fists tightly. We entered his home then he led me to his bedroom. He then sat down on his bed and gestured me to lay down on it. That was the day I lost my innocence, not my virginity, at twelve years old.
I sat up in alarm with sweat pouring down my face. I look up at Wi Hwa and he shows us three sheets of paper. Mine, a blank sheet of paper, and Dog-Bird's.
"Who are the owners of these sheets of paper?" Wi Hwa asks then Dog-Bird, Ji Dwi, and I all stand up.
I had my arms crossed behind my back and a serious look on my face and I could feel all eyes on me. I look back at some of the people and they turn away from me then Wi Hwa shows me my paper.
"Why did you write this?" He asks me then I sigh.
"'wang-eun jonjaehaji anhneunda', 'The Kind Does Not Exist'. There is no such thing as a 'perfect' king. Neither the last king was never perfect nor will this one be. It's like water, there is no such thing as 'perfect' water. There's stagnant water, mountain water, river water, and many more. They all serve one purpose, and that's to quench our thirst. Like a king also, they serve one purpose, and that's to quench our ignorance of being a community." I explain then I sat down and cross my legs.
~~~~~~~~
I had passed the assignment with ease and I was sitting against the wall of the area. I was playing my hair and humming a song my mother used to hum when I was too small to remember her, but even though she was a mute, I now understand the words she would hum. I can't remember what she looked like, but I remember her voice when I needed it in the worst times.
"Maybe far away
Or maybe real near by
I'll always call you home
When you need it most
I'll comb your hair
I'll kiss you goodnight
I'll love you until the very end
Even when I'm not near you, you'll remember my voice" I sang then a small tear ran down my cheek.
I sniffled as I wiped it away then I stood up. I began to walk to my dorms then Ji Dwi steps in front of me with his arms crossed. I refused to look up at him so I attempted to walk around him, but he steps in front of me. I tried again, and he won again. Then it got to the point where I gave him a small smile, since I always pulled this on him.
"There's that well-known smile of 'bimil yeoja'. Haven't seen it for so long that I thought it had disappeared." Ji Dwi says then my smile went away as I look up at him. "Why have you been avoiding me?" He asks me then I scoff.
"I haven't been avoiding you." I deny as I try walking past him again, but he grabs my arm.
"Yes, you have. You only said very few words to me this morning and don't even look at me." He answers then I rip my arm out of his grasp.
"I don't have to talk to you every single second of every single day." I remind him and his expression didn't change. "I have other friends, you know, dumbass." I add as I cross my arms.
"Oh, I know that, since I've been lonely for so many years and after I met you, I no longer felt alone anymore." He mentions and I scoff.
"You have no clue what he feels like to be alone." I tell him.
"Why did you say that on your test?" He asks me and I raise an eyebrow at him. "'There is no such thing as a perfect king', elaborate for me." Ji Dwi requests and I sigh.
"There will never be such thing as a perfect king. Your father wasn't a perfect king, his father wasn't a perfect king, nor will you be. All kings have flaws, especially you, you may be the new king and the best one there ever was, but your flaw is that you're very secretive and you can be extremely rude." I explain and he grits his teeth at me.
"Why are you doing this?" He asks me and I shrug my shoulders.
"Since you're the man that has been fake to me all these years, you completely deserve this." I answer then he moves in front of me when I try to walk past him.
"Who are you to make me feel this way?" He asks me as he grabs my arms and I kept my gaze at him. "I've never wanted anything so badly in my life, I don't even know why I want you so much." He adds and I kept my expression.
"What are you doing to me to make me feel like this?!" He asks me then I push him off of me.
"I'm not doing anything to you." I respond then I began to walk past him. "It's just karma and you realizing that you lost your chance with the perfect person." I add then I walk to the eating area.
I receive my food for dinner and saw Han Sung sitting with Ji Dwi's roommates and I sigh. I sat down next to Han Sung and kept my head down. He nudges me and I look up at him and his childish eyes met mine.
"What's wrong?" He asks me and I shrug.
"Nothing." I answer then once Ji Dwi sits down, I stand up.
I leave my tray on the table and walk out of the eating area and walk to my dorms. I undress myself out of my Hwarang clothes and quickly unwrap the bandages around my torso. I then dress myself in my assassin clothes and put a mask over my face.
I walk out of my dorm and see Han Sung standing there with curiosity on his face. I remove the mask over my face then he tilts his head to the side.
"Where are you going?" He asks me.
"It's my mother's memorial today. I'm going back home to celebrate it." I answer then he frowns as he grabs my shoulders and shakes me.
"Noooo~, you can't leave~. Our roommates don't like me and they hurt me when you're not around." Han Sung whines and I sigh.
"Tell them that, 'if you guys hurt me, I will get bimil yeoja or Se Jun immediately.'" I instruct and Han Sung smiles again with that goofy look of his.
"Thank you~!" He thanks then he kisses my cheek. "I'll be waiting~!" He exclaims as he skips away and I run out.
I begin running home and I see Father and Ah Ro burn the letter that's used every year. I stood at the entrance and they look at me in fear, thinking I was an assassin. I take off my mask and they look at me with relief.
"Did I miss it?" I ask them and they both shake their heads.
"No, you'll say what you want after Ah Ro." Father answers then I stand in between Ah Ro and Father.
I hold hands with both of them and Ah Ro began to talk to Mother. She was saying how she found our brother, how he's protecting her, how Father no longer needs to, how I've been treating her, and how I've been becoming more reckless. A single tear rolls down her face and I wiped it away with my thumb.
I see Dog-Bird run in and he stood next to Ah Ro and held her hand. I then glare up at him and he hesitantly lets go of her hand and I look back down at the fire. I then take a deep breath as I readied myself.
"Eomeoni, I'm so sorry that we haven't talked a lot, there's just so much that's been going on. I'm still as hard-headed as usual, I've been protecting Ah Ro like you've been asking me to. A lot has happened since the last time we've talked. I'm now a warrior that learns to become smarter and even stronger than I've ever been before, I'm learning with other boys and only our orabeoni, Han Sung, and Ji Dwi know who I actually am. I saved a child's life the other day from being beaten to death, I still got strange stares from others. I'm still disobeying the queen and paying for it, desperately." I say then tears threatened to leave my eyes.
"Jae Eun..." Father says as he strokes my hair and I took another deep breath.
"The nightmares are coming back again, it's been difficult to sleep at night because of them. I'm lucky I'm roommates with Han Sung, so I could feel his warm touch when I wake up in the middle of the night, almost screaming. He is what makes me keep on fighting. I still sing your song when I need it most, because that's almost all of what I remember of you." I explain even more then tears began to fall down my cheeks.
"I've been confessed to and I got angry, I'm still not sure if I regret it or not. It was from someone I know and I got angry at him and I'm starting to avoid him. I yell at him or hit him every time he comes near me." I tell her and more and more tears spill down my cheeks. "I've said so many hurtful things to him that I can't even count just because of it! Please, Eomeoni, I need your guidance for you to tell me what to do..." I beg then I clear my throat.
"Maybe far away
Or maybe real near by
I'll always call you home
When you need it most
I'll comb your hair
I'll kiss you goodnight
I'll love you until the very end
Even when I'm not near you, you'll remember my voice" I sang as the ashes flew into the sky.
Dog-Bird and I then began to leave home then he pulls me aside. I look at him strangely as I pull my arm out of his grasp and he puts his hands at his sides.
"Who confessed to you?" He asks me then I scoff as I cross my arms.
"You know, you're only supposed to act like an older brother to Ah Ro and not me, right?" I ask him and he opens his mouth like he was about to say something, then I turn my back to him. "You'll never be my older brother." I remind him as I walk away.
As I walked farther and farther, I became sadder and sadder. I couldn't control my emotions at this point, I was going to lose it all. I was going to lose my control over myself. I was huffing and puffing so badly that I was grabbing my hair and was going to rip it out of my head.
It got so bad to the point where I yelled in anger as I rip my bandana off of my head, my mask, and my hair band. I was so angry that I wanted to punch someone. I fell to my knees and sobbed my heart out, to the point where I couldn't breathe.
I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I buried my face into his chest because I recognized the feeling of his touch. I grab onto his shirt tightly and continued to sob my eyes out. I wasn't mad at him anymore, sort of, I just needed to remember his soft touch.
The way he strokes my cheek makes me smile, the way he punches my shoulder makes me laugh, the way he hugs me makes me melt into his arms. I regret everything I've said to him, but I still couldn't let go of what he did to me.
"I'm here for you, don't worry." He assures me as he strokes my hair and my grip lightened up on his shirt. "I'm still the best friend that you've trusted for ten years."