Eruriren Weekend ~ Past
Levi had never found a reason to stay in the house, now more so than ever. It was just cold in there, anyway, he thought as he sat on the stairs- thawed with cruel ice. Inside was frozen, outside was frozen and the streets of Leningrad were bare. People were gone, dead or fighting. Starved to death or shot. A bullet only took one hit to kill, infections were spreading like wildfire and even a small cut could cause the severest of illnesses. That was if the cold didn't get to you first.
Hunger or cold battled for the deaths of millions, picking off each one by one yet so rapidly that it looked like they were dropping in unison. Dying so quickly you could mistake it for bombs if not for the distant crashes. The bombs were still far, obliterating the outskirts of the city.
But they were approaching. Quickly.
Levi was starving but he didn't want food. He didn't have the energy. His hunger-riddled brain was muddling needs with wants until the lethargy dragged him into the state of unconsciousness. Sleeping with his eyes open. Sleeping whilst walking. Sleeping when you couldn't bear the cold any longer. Dead when you couldn't bear the hunger any longer.
Levi shivered, his woollen coat doing little to protect him from the biting Leningrad winds. They were always like this in winter but with a warm home, the fire blazing, he had never found it much of a problem- that was until he caught a cold, at least. But, now, with his fingertips blue and his nose such a violent red you could mistake it for food. People thought anything was food now.
Animals were food.
Plants were food.
Pets were food.
Leather was food.
Clothes were food.
Everything. Was. Food.
The rest of the slum had scurried off to the defenses but Levi hadn't budged. If he was going to die, he was going to do it here, not on a lonely battlefield under a foreign sky. He had never left his home, never walking further than three streets down where the furthest shop, the grocers, was. The one that was now empty, out of stock and ransacked. The store owner had passed whilst still at the till, he had been giving any spares to his family- not enough for himself.
The slum was dead anyway, literally and metaphorically. The people were gone, the ones that stayed barely alive, maybe not even. His apartment block, which used to hold dozens of people, now contained just him. As did the next.
Families didn't live here.
Families were some of the only people who bothered to stay behind.
That and cowards. And Levi certainly didn't have family.
He had been searching for food, he remembered suddenly. His energy had been lost on him and he had sat down to rest. They all knew that a rest meant nothing of the sort. He saw the woman on the set of steps next to him, frozen over- her rotten corpse portraying the shards of ice like an art piece.
With food on his mind and nothing available, he set for wallowing in his hunger, feeling the tearing of his stomach as it searched for food that wasn't there. That wouldn't be there. Not for another couple days, anyway, when one of the supply trucks finally made it over the icy stretch of the river and rations were given out again.
Most people had saved their rations. Most people were living off what was few but there. Levi, he was living with nothing. Nothing at all. No bread stuffed in his pockets, no hidden honey jar for emergencies. Nothing. The grips of death clutched on him like a vice, the shadowy figure blocking his vision- black spots gradually filling his vision.
He was dying, he realised.
And, it didn't feel too bad.
Except, he was a coward and cowards don't die. Cowards live for fear of death. The brave ones accept it. Levi wasn't brave. Levi was afraid. He was a strong coward, a contradiction that made too much sense in a time of confusion.
Everything was contradictory now. A whole city was living off nothing, corpses walked and the fed still danced. The people were scared but they didn't give in. They lived. They lived with nothing to let them live.
He wants to pity himself for being stuck in this state of starvation but he can't, the only ones who have food are the rich and even then, they hardly have anything either. Some of them still don't have anything at all.
The clever ones are the ones living the best. The ones that know how to steal, how to con and how to persuade. They are the ones who live.
That was not Levi. That was not brash, crude Levi whose aim before this was to at least get a job, for his country. For Stalin. It still hadn't happened. He didn't fit in right. He didn't try hard enough. He fought for what he believed in.
At the moment, he couldn't think of anything that fits into that.
Levi doesn't know how he manages to stand after that, how he managed to blink the black from his eyes. He pries his hands away from the ice and into the whipping wind, not an improvement- at least the ice had numbed his frail fingers. He looked down at himself, concentrating on his legs. They were barely there anymore. He looked like a skeleton, a living skeleton. He looked ill. He wasn't self-conscious, though, he fits in perfectly alongside everyone else.
Stumbling on the ice, he gained his balanced and trudged along the abandoned streets. It was desolate, the wind his only accomplice as it whipped him from head to toe. It scratched at his dry skin like sandpaper and burned his eyes like fire. The wind was cruel, battling hunger in its want for death.
What draws Levi eye, though, is no longer his own living corpse but the flyer fluttering around, barely remaining pinned to the crooked-stone wall. On it, in huge letters, wrote 'JOIN THE ARMY' and underneath, in letters hardly legible to his weak eyes, it continued to explain why he, just he, was needed. This was for him, he thought, some self-obsessed part of his mind taking over. He was no longer in control of himself. His mind or body.
He leaned forward, squinting to read the print that would have been so clear only a year before. They told him of his fighting comrades, the wicked enemy, and the saviour that he would be if he were to enlist. He almost forgot of the death he had heard of. Forgot this was a lie.
He didn't understand why the propaganda posters were still around. Everyone who wanted to go had gone. Or so Levi thought. 'Mikasa, why won't you just let me enlist! See this! They need me!' Levi wasn't the only self-obsessed person, it seemed. The boy, a combination of shaggy, brown hair and undefinable eyes, raved on to the girl who stared at him with a heavy gaze, one word exuding from her: no.
They both looked starved, faces like skulls and muscles reduced to bone. But, they looked far more alive than many. They were some of the well-off. He could see it, in both of them, they were clever ones.
He watched them, following the story in his mind. The boy was the basis of the operation, stealing and conning as if his life depended on it- in fact, it did- and then, the girl, she reigned him back before anything could go wrong. She was just as strong but far more subdued, she would do anything for him. That much, at least, was clear to Levi. This girl would put the boy above her, she would die for him.
She was dying for him, Levi realised. Where she keeled over, he stood straight. Where her eyes were dim, his shone. She was feeding him her own food. She had just enough to live, just enough to be able to protect him. But, the rest went to him. He used to fight it, Levi imagined, and then he had begun to give in.
All from a still image, Levi had gained so much information. His mind was so muddled that it was seeing the impossible. It was seeing a false reality. He didn't realise they were looking at him until he moved his eyes back down the where the poster now lying in his hands.
'You joining too?!' The boy shouted with far too much excitement. Levi resisted holding his hands over his ears to block out the noise, it hurt so much. His ears were fragile, only adjusted to the distant booms. Everything was distant now.
Why did this boy sound so jovial about something as grim as the army? Levi didn't question, though, as he shrugged. He wasn't ready to speak, not yet. He wasn't even sure if his lips could move. He hadn't moved them in days and the ice had probably frozen them together. There was no need to move them, he didn't eat, he didn't speak. He just survived. Not lived. Survived.
'Look, Mikasa! I'm not the only one! I need to go, I need to help them!' The boy argued to the girl whose name must have been Mikasa. The boy was delusional, it seemed. Even Levi realised that even if the poster was persuading him, he wasn't needed. He would become canon-fodder. Useful, he guessed. But not important. This kid's sense of self-righteousness was a little too much.
'I can go with you...' He trailed off awkwardly, the eyes of indefinable colour staring straight into his, dull upon bright, a contrast that fit together so perfectly.
'Levi.' The words were a mere whisper. His voice was so hoarse you could barely hear the croak but at least the kid was smart enough not to question it and continued on with his energy level raised to full.
He wondered how, with so little food, he was managing to exude so much energy.
'My name's Eren. You want to go, right? It wouldn't be as bad if someone else were to come. Mikasa can't enlist with me so...' Levi stared the kid down, head to toe. Eren, huh. Something about the determination set Levi on edge whilst also lulling him into a sense of security. He realised something he hadn't before, this kid was dangerous. No matter the innocence he portrayed himself with, something dark was lingering beneath. Something that was portrayed much clearer in his sister.
Something that he saw so much in himself.
They were more alike than he had first thought- and he had hardly even talked to the kid yet.
'If you want to, kid.' Levi shrugged, the small gesture sending ripples through his body as his taught muscles stretched awkwardly.
Levi didn't have a passion for going alone nor did he want this brat to tail him but the latter seemed favourable. Eren looked as if he might cry, no, scream if Levi were to deny him of this. This was his pass into the battle, away from his sister's side.
He was sick of surviving. His sister didn't care about that, about his quest for life. She just wanted them to survive. He couldn't care less. Such an awkward dynamic yet one that seemed to work so well for them. Even as they argued- Levi allowing himself a step back away from the action- they looked like they knew what the other would say and they had the exact words to counteract it. They were a team, even if they didn't want to be.
'Mikasa, I'm going and you can't stop me.' The words drew Levi's attention again from where he leant against the wall, resting his aching body. Eren was storming away from the girl, approaching Levi at a rapid pace, his eyebrows set in a harsh line, creasing his forehead- he looked far older than he did before.
Levi couldn't set an age. Young, clearly. But, nowadays, it was hard to tell. The young looked old and the old looked young, wrinkles stretched out by ghastly skin and young faces deformed by the curse of hunger. Eren could be a teenager or an adult.
Levi didn't want to look into it, though. If anything, he wanted to let the boy walk his path and leave him as soon as he could. It would be for the best. He didn't understand just what this boy's motivations were but whatever they were, they were stupid.
Something told Levi that this boy was hiding the truth. From his sister and from him. There was something that Eren would only let himself know. Something that in the mirror of starvation had distorted enough to look like hope. It wasn't. Something far more sinister lay beneath that twinkle in his eye. Something was...off.
Levi only found himself intrigued.
'Yes, I can, Eren! You are my brother and I will not let you run off for no reason!' Brother and sister. Levi stared at both of them, the differences in between them. Surely they weren't actually siblings, an odd pet name, he supposed. Whatever it was, the situation was only made more awkward by her outburst. She had lost already, they knew that, just like Leningrad had. It wouldn't stop either of them fighting, though. Not at all.
'I have a perfectly good reason, Mikasa! Now get off my back!' He shouted and the innocence was stripped from him. His youthful vigour became twisted darkness, the monster underneath was revealed.
A monster just like Levi but...
Had hunger made Levi this delusional? Had hunger really made Levi believe all this? He had known this boy, seen this boy, for no more than minutes. He hadn't had human interaction in days and here he was, a philosopher. What had happened to him?
What had he become in the face of the mirror?
'Please don't go, Eren.' A plea, barely standing as she tipped herself forward and held out a hand for him to take. A failed bargain. He only took a step away, towards Levi. Levi wanted to take a step back himself; he didn't want to be wrapped up in this.
This was not his family. He didn't have a family. His days of fighting were over. Except the fight to live. Because, no matter what happened, his cowardice stuck by him- through thick and thin.
Mikasa fled quickly, tucking her hand around the inside of her scarf, red and thick. Levi wished for something like that. He was surprised something like that hadn't been stolen already. Or even eaten, surely wool had some nutritional value. Maybe. No one knew anymore, they just chewed and hoped they weren't spending more calories on chewing than they were gaining.
Levi didn't let himself try, though. Chewing on old bits of cloth would only contract you a disease, something no one had enough food to live through. Illness was now death. No one survived.
Winter was ruthless, hunger was merciless and death was welcoming. Its arms were held wide, inviting each and every Leningrader into his arms.
'I'm not leaving to enlist now if you think that. You're going to have to talk to her.' It was an effort to speak and Levi's clumsily thick accent wasn't helping. He was told he grumbled, his words indecipherable- especially when he was tired. Nowadays, he was always tired.
'I know.' Eren mumbled, feeling chastised by this odd stranger- the man with his hair so dark it could be a shadow and eyes so bleak that Eren felt motivated to fix. Two strangers with the perfect attraction, not too much, not too little. A hidden glance and a faint smile, all masked by the shadow of death hanging over them.
'Now go. I'll be here tomorrow.' Eren nodded, his hair bouncing up and down before he jogged off to go find the girl. Levi wished he had enough energy to jog. Levi wished he had enough energy to do anything.
He looked off into the distance where Eren had run to before focusing back on the direction of his flat. It felt so far away now, miles, when it was only a few streets down. He needed something to keep him going, even if only for the minute it should have taken him to get there.
But, that was impossible.
He made it in twenty.
Levi smiled suddenly, Eren had run off back to the larger section of town. A communist country, his arse. He could imagine Eren's house, large and welcoming, perfectly presented, almost untouched by the war. And then his apartment, shabby, run-down and crumbling- it would have been better off bombed. But it was his home, it always had been, from birth to adulthood. From then to now.
He didn't have the heart to move and in times like these, he didn't have the opportunity to do so. He didn't have time to even be thinking about it but he needed something to take his mind off the tears in his gut.
Levi barely made it back the next day. He had nothing to fuel a fire, nothing to put on a fire and barely a rag to cover him. He was inches from death, running and running until the hunger banned his legs from moving any further. He was like the rest of the city, on the verge of falling, falling into the arms of their curse.
He stood in the place he had yesterday, trying to catch his breath and chew his cheek as if it was a substitute for the food he was missing. He heard the wailing of children and the hushed pleas of their mothers in the calm of the city. With the city almost uninhabited now, an unsettling sense of calm had reached the streets. Families and bombs were the only things left to fill the silence. Neither of which Levi liked much.
Levi had brought a bag with him, enough to get by. He wasn't expecting he could keep it for long and hadn't put anything of much use but the last of his clothes- ones that still kept him somewhat warm- lay at the bottom. He had locked his door, keeping the ghosts from coming in and hoped that he wouldn't be looted.
He almost laughed at anyone who tried to find anything of use in his home.
Eren arrived minutes after Levi, his eyes wide and bright and a bounce in his step. Clearly, someone had eaten this morning.
'Levi!' Eren shouted out, waving a hand frantically as if he believed Levi hadn't seen him already.
'Hello, Eren.' He tried to remain as formal as possible. If he was going to do this, Levi would have to remain unattached. Everyone had heard the rumours: one gun between six men and people dying in the hundreds. If Levi wanted to do this, and survive this, he was going to become strong and in that, he had to remain impassive to those around him. He would do Eren a favour and help him get in but he would aid him no further.
'You ready to go?' Bouncing on the balls of his feet, Eren leant forward and inspected Levi. He was oddly thorough, Levi realised, but he didn't pay any attention to it, the kid could do what he wanted.
'Yes, let's go.' The words sounded odd on his tongue, too formal, too clean. Nothing he had ever been before. The words were wrong when spoken in his accent, one that indicated he was clearly not from the wealthier part of the city.
He was born and raised in the slums and he wasn't able to hide it, from the scar above his collarbone to the lilt in his voice.
Finding the sign-up point would not be hard. It was located, as far as Levi knew, in the old town hall that had been used before the new, far more extravagant, one had been built a few years back.
The winter beat them thoroughly but Eren proved useful in the end. 'Bread?' Levi's eyes whipped to his left, staring down at the small piece of bread, about a 100g ration, laying in offering in Eren's palm. Levi snatched it before Eren could bring it back and threw it into his mouth greedily, making sure to suck and not chew, it would last longer. It would become sweeter, less stale.
Eren didn't take any offense and smiled as Levi let his taste buds finally have a taste of sugar. The steel-grey eyes widened and a small smile came to his lips, a desperate smile. One that could only be caused by being sent to the lowest point and being brought back up again.
It was soon done, though, and the smile had slipped off his face. 'Thank you.' Levi whispered, the words barely distinguishable above the roar of the wind that chafed their skin off their faces- leaving them soft, vulnerable to the rest of the elements.
'You looked hungry.' Eren looked down to his hands suddenly as if guilty of something, peering at Levi out of the corner of his eyes, the hint of yellow in his eyes almost glowing past the mix of blue and green- the colour of the sea, the sea that Levi had only seen in pictures. 'When was the last time you ate?'
There was no point in the hiding the truth. Levi spoke abruptly and relentlessly like it didn't matter that he was dying. He was dying just like the rest of the city. What was so special about him? What let him survive?
'Three days.' Levi peered down at the bones protruding out of his arms. Yes, definitely three days.
Eren, looking slightly disturbed, began to rummage through his bag, reaching towards the bottom where a small, paper-wrapped package lay. 'My sister, she's gone to help dig the defenses. Mikasa, she...she gave me this for when food got scarce. Have it.' Just like he gave the bread, Eren held his hands out in offering.
'I can't. That's your food.' Levi took a step back, his eyes widening.
'I don't need it. Look at me, I've had it far better than you. You deserve this. If we're going to fight, you're going to need some fat on those bones anyway.' Eren tried to lighten the mood but it sat too heavily upon them.
Levi testing the paper to check that what he was seeing was real, let it fall into his hands. He didn't open it, simply staring at it. He was going to survive. He would survive- for Eren. For his generosity.
Levi felt the urge to wrap Eren in a hug but denied himself the pleasure of that warmth and only thanked him, tears brimming his eyes. But, Levi didn't cry. He held strong. He was a man, men didn't cry. Not in Russia, at least. Levi had heard plenty of the weaker men of other nations, he almost pitied them.
They didn't walk in silence. Eren soon was chattering away excitedly about the prospects of what he could do fighting. Levi soon found out that Eren had never shot a gun before nor had he used any sort of artillery and all of the things he had heard were based on rumours of propaganda. Levi pitied the kid but made a statement in not showing it on his face. Eren was messing with his brain enough as it was, he didn't need to pity him on top of that.
He had far too many feelings for him already. Pity, respect...that fluttery feeling in his stomach. Upon seeing his downcast face, though, Eren did not hold back in turning all his attention to Levi.
'Are you not excited?' Such innocence, such purity. Something Levi could no longer dream of possessing. It was too far out of his grasp. How did Eren manage this? How did he fit into these two different personas so well? His words sounded like that of a child's but his actions could be as thought through as a psychopath's. There was a hidden ruthlessness in him, one that was masked with an innocence that wasn't fake either.
It was as if he had tricked himself into believing he was two different people. Denial. That was denial.
'Excited?' Levi scoffed, not elaborating anymore.
'You're not?' Eren sounded no less than confused, only sending Levi's mind further down the spiral it was falling down. He had blamed it on hunger, one that had been at least partially satiated but what could he blame it on now, then? Curiosity? Existentialism? A crush? Surely he couldn't be crushing on someone so much younger than him, so much less experienced. This kid was barely a man.
'About dying? No.' That shut Eren up, at least, leaving time for Levi to make sense of his thoughts. Something was wrong with him, something was making his heart pound.
He wouldn't realise until later that what drew him in was something inside of Eren, something that wasn't inside him. That was what would draw him to both of them. Even if it wasn't allowed. Even if he could be killed for it. A man in love with a man. A man in love with two men. Levi was breaking all the rules, all the regulations, all the prejudice.
He would see the bravery. He would see what so little possessed in times of crisis. He would see what all the starving didn't have. He saw two people willing to die, two people who weren't so cowardly that they ran from death. They allowed it in and savoured what life they had left.
They were brave. So magnificently, mind-bogglingly brave.
Levi fell in love with that.
Levi didn't know why he hadn't figured it out sooner, what those fluttery things in his stomach were. What it was that distracted him from the agony of hunger. Something that drew his skin to someone else's, even through the terse silence that hung loud in the desolate city. It was like they were the only ones left...and Levi didn't mind at all.
The silence didn't end, even as the walked into the sign-up hall and put down their names, another name on a long list of people- people that were probably dead already. The enemy forces were gaining strength and the Germans were bombing so frequently that it felt like the city was only days from obliteration.
They were sent to a truck after hours of waiting, sitting next to each other and Levi resisted the disgusting temptation to grab Eren's hand and Eren tried desperately not to fall into realism as he realised what he had signed up to. Levi's words rang loudly. Levi wasn't excited and he made it so clear that Eren shouldn't be either. They were running into death's arms, it was death's decision now whether it would free them from life or not, whether it would let go or consume them. They weren't in control anymore.
No one in this city was. Whether it was being left out to be shot or starving to death or even dying of a cold, they were all dying. The rich, the poor and the in between. Everyone was dying and everyone was fending for themselves.
So what difference did running into the battlefield make?
Levi's stomach growled loudly as they were herded to the truck, sat alongside two other soldiers, all of which look far more dejected than both Levi and Eren and it made for a lot of curiosity as to why they were on the truck in the first place. Levi was almost ready to open that food package and take another bite, for desperation's sake, but he willed himself away and allowed his stomach to sing its song, just like the rest of the truck. It was a sound they had all learnt to block out by now: the growls of their stomachs as the reached for food that would never come.
The truck growled to life as soon as Eren and Levi sat down, being the last ones to get on the truck. Midday was approaching but the ice had not become reluctant. It remained on the streets like a child to its mother, causing the wheels of their truck to slip and slide as they rolled along. The terse silence hung between them, willing them all to speak yet keeping them quiet.
They were nervous, nervous of what was to come and what they had left behind. No one was safe anymore, no one survived the anxiety that ripped them apart. In their homes, they were unsafe. On the battlefield, they were unsafe. With their family, they were unsafe.
'Are you guys all heading to the front lines?' Eren spoke up, his voice quiet and shy, something Levi hadn't heard before. The boy had exuded confidence when in Levi's presence, even without his sister around but now he looked as if he really could be Levi's son as he brought himself a little too close to Levi's side and watched the others with an odd mix of awe and fear.
'Yeah, where else?' The man opposite scoffed, his two-toned hair having gone unbrushed for days, probably because of the hair it would bring out. Starvation and hair-loss walked hand in hand. Other than that, the brat presented himself well- even if the devilish smirk on his face made Levi wanted to punch his smug face.
'I don't know...medical, I guess.' Eren recoiled, falling into Levi further and despite how much Levi wanted to push him off, he found himself accepting the comfort- for himself and not Eren. He needed it. Desperately.
The all needed some comfort.
'Nah, dude. Jean and I here are both off to fight. I'm Reiner.' He held out his hand to shake and Eren took it gladly, happy to see some sort of courtesy in spite of the dangerous situation. 'And you, creepy guy?' Three faces all turned to Levi, who had been enjoyed laying back and listening to the quiet conversation, something to fill his mind with that wouldn't spiral him into atheistic existentialism- a dark path.
The truck rolled to a stop and Levi sighed out, relieved he wouldn't have to talk when Reiner peered out of the window located behind Levi. 'Good old Leningrad, getting us all stuck in a snowstorm.' Levi quickly spun around and looked out of the flimsy plastic that formed a window in the truck from where the glass had been replaced when it had smashed, most likely from a bombing raid. He was right, this was not their destination. The blizzard outside was harsh and unrelenting, coming as quick as lightning and leaving as slow as stone.
They had picked the perfect day to travel.
'So, we're here for the long run then...you gonna introduce yourself before you murder us?' The guy, Reiner, joked upon turning his attention back to Levi. Levi, trying to hide his gaunt face behind his undercut, was happy to see Eren perk forward, about to defend his 'friend' but there was no need. Levi must have been older than most of the people in this truck, he didn't need a twenty-year-old to stand up for him.
'Levi.' The two almost reeled back as Levi put on his most sinister smile, barely even a smile at all. Something from a horror. His accent had become so thick that it seemed the smaller boy, Jean, hadn't even picked it up but the hulk of muscle was sat close enough to pick out the words.
'Wow, maybe you really are a murderer.' Even if the two-toned jerk was joking, he sure looked scared. Even the wall of muscle looked slightly intimidated. And, most of all, both looked very shocked to see Eren sniggering in the corner, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.
'Levi! Stop intimidating them! You do not speak like that.' Eren sent a playful whack to Levi's arm, leaving a stinging sensation on his weak flesh- yet Levi found himself not minding at all.
'Oh but I do.' He kept the act up, lowering his voice to a pitch he thought he could never reach and letting his words run into each other so they were barely decipherable. Eren only laughed louder. It was beautiful. Levi hadn't heard someone laugh in...forever. Even before the war, laughter had been something that he had only seen from afar, in the mouths of children and lovers.
Lovers.
'Levi! Stop it!' Eren giggled, sending him a broad smile, showing off the teeth that hadn't yet begun to rot. He really was doing well.
'You two close, huh?' Reiner asked, leaning back with a small smile of his own. A laugh was enough to lift anyone's spirits. It was a snippet of their old life, one Eren hadn't yet lost. One that Eren knew he faked but kept going for the rest of them. An act but a beautiful one nonetheless. None of them needed to know what he really felt.
Levi grunted nonchalantly but Eren was happy to tell his own story. 'Oh, no. I met Levi yesterday. He helped me enlist. My sister didn't want me coming but I managed to persuade her. I want to help.' There was so much more he wanted to do than help.
Revenge flickered in his heart.
'Wow, I thought you had known each other for much longer. You definitely didn't go to school together or anything?' Reiner kept his tone light but there was clearly some curiosity there.
'How old do you think I am?' Levi scoffed, finally letting down the act and speaking as he normally would- even then, his speech was a little awkward. He had been taught the slang of Leningrad, not high Russian.
'I don't know, about twenty?' Levi gaped at the guy, drawing the attention of the other two.
'How old are you Levi?' Eren pushed, his eyes a little wide in shock.
'Thirty-two.' Dead silence. And, just as his conversation started, it ended with the truck's rumbling engine as they went on their way again.
Eren gaped at him, not daring to speak a word. The others, despite the evident surprise, didn't try to continue the conversation- opting to watch their hands tremble under the gentle light hanging above them.
Starvation made them ageless. And for Levi, whose age it was hard to guess before, it had only made him more ethereal. So dark and damaged that it was angelic. A fallen angel in a fallen city. They all were, he would like to believe. He would like to believe there was a god at all. He had long since decided that he wouldn't care for anything as straight-forward as religion and his faith in God was minimal but in times like these, it was hard not to wish for heaven. To wish for something after their worthless lives, after dying pointless deaths in a pointless war.
When the truck rolled to a halt again, they were at their destination: an isolated field set up with artillery and scattered guns for whoever could pick it up first from the decaying corpses. No one alive was out, it had long since gone dark and they were all asleep, huddled in bunches- barely decipherable from the corpses alongside them. It was a sea of dead and even those whose chest's rose were dead, dead in a far different way to that which sent you away from life.
They were herded off the truck like sheep, told to line up in a simple formation, Eren and Levi (the shorter of the four) at the front with Reiner and Jean behind them. They stood as tall as soldiers could when having gone unfed for days. Their movements were spurred on by adrenaline and fear alone and they knew as soon as the sun rose, they would feel the aches again, the hunger that came in waves, giving them false release to something they couldn't escape. Not in Leningrad.
They hadn't been told about the rest of the situation in Russia. Levi had thought it better not to ask. Yet, they still knew they had been obliterated whilst the rest of Russia, no matter the state of it, was still on its last legs.
They waited in the blistering cold for minutes before anything occurred. They distracted themselves with the loud snores of the men and the quiet cries of the boys barely above teenage-hood. The man that met them was impressive. Levi, upon having to crane his neck to just see the man, almost reeled back at the site. How someone looked so put together in this situation, he was sure. Sure, the dark circles were prominent and the wrinkles were etching themselves into his flesh but the man before them was, dare he say, beautiful.
He had never thought of sexuality, he had been too afraid too. The last few days, it was becoming clearer and clearer yet no matter what, he didn't want to think about it.
Now was not a time for discrimination, this was war.
'My name is Erwin Smith, head of the defense force. You start tomorrow, find a gun if you can and put yourselves up against the barricades.' The man had already fled before Levi could speak up.
Levi valued knowledge and from a man who clearly had much, he wasn't letting many others had it. Resisting the urge to run after him and interrogate Erwin on the situation, Levi turned to Eren and raised an eyebrow. Eren, for his charm, didn't seem to mind the unwelcoming welcome and was still pushing a smile onto his face as he watched the mud-ridden soldiers slip in and out of sleep as they heard the booming voice of their commander.
Erwin Smith, Levi replayed the name in his mind, a beautiful name too. 'Eren, what's your last name?' A sudden curiosity.
'Jaeger, didn't I tell you before?' Levi shrugged, he had no idea. His memory hadn't served him well as of late.
Eren Jaeger, another name in his list of beautiful names. Levi was torn between morality and lust. What he was feeling, that wasn't normal, was it? Loving a man, that wasn't normal, was it? Loving someone ten years younger and the other probably ten years older. Feeling something for more than one person.
Levi's mental struggle was beginning to represent the toll of his body. He couldn't think straight anymore. But if anything came of his cowardliness, it was his ability to think straight for the sake of surviving.
'Let's find somewhere to sleep.' Levi led the group, Eren next to him and Reiner and Jean following silent, over to an empty patch against a large pileup of sandbags. 'Here should do.' Levi didn't care if they didn't like it or not so, sitting by the heap, he shut his eyes and ignored the quiet chatter around him. He wasn't sure whose it was anymore.
He was just so tired.
'Levi, you still there?' A voice, young but tired. Eren's.
'Yeah, barely.' Levi mumbled, his eyes fluttering open to reveal a word of blur.
'Look at this.' Eren whispered. Levi turned, noticing the other two had gone elsewhere and looked at what was in Eren's hands. A rifle.
'Where did you find that?' Levi whispered, running a solitary finger down the fragile wood- splinters protruding from where another man's grip had held so strong that it had fractured.
'It was lying over there. Probably from...' Eren didn't have to say anything as his eyes moved to the small heap where three soldiers had fallen, each body falling upon the next.
'Yeah, probably.' Silence fell again. Levi looked around, seeing the dead and the lifeless side by side. And then them, just them. Him and Eren, Eren and him. Alone. Alive. It felt like they were the last ones, the strongest.
Levi wished that were the truth: humanities strongest and humanities hope, he could even imagine the name in the twisted fantasy he allowed himself to think was truth. 'Don't you find it a little odd how little information they gave us when we arrived?'
'Huh?' Eren turned, prying his eyes from the gun if only for a second.
'We came here and they told us little to nothing about the situation. Do we not need to know anything?' Levi's hands were trembling but his composure remained firm, his lips in a stern downwards direction. He wouldn't lose control.
Not again.
Not after that.
'I don't know. Is it necessary for us to know the situation? Won't it only make us more...terrified?' Eren looked down to his own hands, not much better than Levi's. They were both terrified. Trembling hands and frozen, numb faces made them the perfect soldiers- the perfect amount of adrenaline pumping through their veins. Just as it was planned.
'Aren't we already?' It would be the closest confession Levi would ever give to his feelings. The admittance of being terrified of death, of wanting to live, of being a coward. Eren didn't have an answer to that, pulling himself back to the gun, running nimble fingers across the trigger without pulling it.
Both of them wondered, when the time came, if either of them would have the courage to pull that trigger. It was surprising what survival instinct could do but...would it be enough? Levi didn't dwell on the times he had brought down a knife to someone's flesh or the times he had stolen to suit his own needs and, in turn, taking away other's. He tried to ignore that this wasn't new to him. War wasn't new to him. Just now, it was coming in a very different form.
And this time, he hadn't got the people he cared about by his side.
At least, not the people he cared about yet.
Eren fell asleep at some point, his eyes shutting and small, haggard breaths falling from his mouth. The cold created clouds of steam from his mouth- a war machine, pumping out the unnecessary leftovers.
Levi wasn't anywhere near sleep. It was well past midnight but his eyes were wide-awake, watching over the others like a hawk, hovering over Eren for a little too long each time. He was both clever and stupid for doing so. In the morning, he could die for his stupidity but to sleep now was to let his guard down, to let someone hurt him now.
He was never safe.
None of them were.
He stood up before he had even noticed. The fear pumped into him like oil into a machine, forcing his legs to move. Forcing him to leave Eren. Only for now, he told himself, he would be back for the kid. He didn't deserve to be alone. None of these people did.
He didn't know he was going, he couldn't see where he was going. The sky was a painting of black, the grey clouds peeking in at the edges. Stars were no longer abundant, abandoning the abandoned city like there was no one left to watch them.
Reaching the cabin was by no means an accident nor was it for any purpose. He didn't even know if that was where the man would be. It was most likely. He had fled back in this direction earlier and Levi could only assume he didn't sleep on the floor with the rest of them. No, this man was above them.
He didn't understand why.
Maybe some communist ideas did appeal to him.
The cabin itself was hardly a cabin, more of a pile of wood stacked up until they joined and created a makeshift roof. It had been hit by a bomb, or something of the sort, Levi noticed upon looking at the other half of the building where the wood was barely holding itself up, the building looking more collapsed than ever.
A light was on inside and Levi didn't have the politeness to knock, storming in uninvited. He was correct. Commander Smith sat at the desk, head heavy in his head as he read over the papers in front of them- no doubt telling him about the radically bad numbers. Death tolls, enemy count, food supplies.
A gun was on him as soon as he entered the door, an old looking pistol but undoubtedly cocked. For what purposes it served- seeing as no enemy would make it here without killing all in its path already- Levi didn't want to know.
Raising his hands in surrender, Levi took a confident step forward. 'What are you doing here, soldier?' The man, Erwin, muttered, lowering his gun slowly and cautiously until it hit the desk with a thud.
'I want a report on the situation.' Levi didn't bother to ask. He didn't care that he was ordering his superior. What would he do? Kill him? He couldn't, they needed more men. More men to put in front of the gunfire until they found an actual solution.
'May I ask why you want to know? You arrived here little over three hours ago, what gives you the authority?' Erwin raised an eyebrow, wrinkling the skin on his forehead- aging him years above what he should have been.
'Because I will not fight until I know what I am fighting for, Commander,' at least he had some courtesy to call the man by his title, 'I will not get shot for a pointless battle.' He was proud of his point, there was no argument to be put down. Erwin could order him as much as he liked but it wouldn't budge Levi's will. He had to know, for his own curiosity. He didn't care how much worse it made this all. He wanted to know.
'The numbers aren't inspiring.' Their eyes met, blue on grey- something so different yet so similar to Eren's. Something just as beautiful. Levi felt that tear in his mind again. His mind was splitting in ten directions and he was stuck, stuck in the middle as he watched himself take too many wrong paths. Too many conflicting decisions.
'I don't care, Erwin.' Title dropped, the man didn't even notice. Their eyes didn't budge. Erwin motioned to one of the stool and Levi dragged it over, perching on it lightly- annoyed by its height- and leaning down to see the papers on his desk. Erwin and he were mere inches apart now. A deadly attraction neither had the time to read into.
Erwin, brushing file after file away, pushed a single piece of paper in front of Levi and finally, the connection broke. Levi's eyes danced over the numbers that Erwin had jotted down. Millions of people, food supplies not catering for even thousands. Thousands of soldiers, soon to be dwindled down to hundreds. And thousands of Germans just outside the border- many having already infiltrated.
Erwin had underlined a single figure, written under the title 'Estimated Citizen Count in 6 Months'. Levi didn't say it aloud, he refused to even say it in his head, turning the paper around as he could.
Citizen count. That wasn't even everybody. There were so many more. So many more people to die. Levi was going to die.
'How many of this legion is expected to come out alive?' Levi didn't know why he asked, he already regretted it.
'Less than a tenth.' He was practically already dead. His death had been sealed. He was going to die here, brutally and mercilessly in a war he had no interest for.
What had been the point in coming?
'I'm not making this out alive, am I?' Erwin didn't answer and silence hung heavily, the anxiety tangible.
'Are we really going to die?' A boy, standing in the doorway, the familiar brown mop of hair on his head and the sparkling green eyes- or blue...or was it yellow?
'I cannot guarantee anything.'
Eren watched Erwin with those beautiful eyes of his, tears reaching the edges but never spilling. Eren wouldn't cry, he was stronger than that. No matter how young he was, he was stronger than Levi by thousands. Maybe not physically but there was only so much strength someone could have with their body.
Maybe it was all just Levi's self-doubt as he watched the two people match gazes. A beautiful tension crackling between them. 'I'm trying to help as much as I can,' Erwin spoke up, his eyes moving back to the piles of pages. 'But, the situation...this isn't something we can just fight. We haven't lost, not yet,' Erwin sounded so sure of that, 'but we don't have much left; we almost don't have anything left.' Erwin slumped, resting his head in his hand again, just as he had when Levi had first entered. It was his way of showing vulnerability. Being commander may have put him higher than us, may have given him more food but it was to make up for the flesh-eating guilt that was pushed upon him- the burden as heavy as mountains on his shoulders.
Levi kept his face blank as he watched the both of them: Eren as he walked over to the desk and sat himself against one of the legs and Erwin as he began to scribble a few more sums under his current sheet.
What was left to calculate, Levi wondered.
Something drew them together that night. No one left, even when the sun began to rise. No one would wake for another few hours, they were assured. Not until the bombs started dropping. Starvation kept them under the pretense of death for as long as possible until they were forced to face the fact that they were alive and miserable.
Another stab the gut.
They knew it was wrong, they knew they should have left. They knew they shouldn't have sat down next to each other, their legs brushing every time they moved. It was wrong, so wrong. Against society, against what they told themselves as soldiers, against their own morals.
None of them moved.
When Eren began to tremble, two sets of arms were wrapped around him. 'I miss her.' His mum, he explained and Mikasa, the girl Levi had seen in the street. No one had the guts to reassure him, no one knew what was happening. Not even Erwin. Erwin only had false knowledge, bad statistics and crippling guilt.
'Do you two not miss anyone?' Eren asked, his guilty smile falling as he rested his head on Erwin's shoulder and grasped for Levi's hand. No one brought it up. No one dared. They accepted that for tonight, this was acceptable. Just tonight- until the bombs dropped.
'Already dead.' Levi mumbled flippantly, he had long since learnt to not care. He did care. He long since learnt not to look like he cared.
'My mother is back in the city. She is most likely dead by now. She's strong but when I left, back when this all started, our home was already bare of food and heat.' Erwin admitted, letting himself free. He wasn't their higher up for now. He was their friend...more than their friend.
They didn't speak again until they felt the first light peek through a gap in the walls, illuminating their joint hands. The glittering sun was the first they had seen in a while, peeking out between the dense cloud cover of the Russian winter. It was hope.
Hope for survival.
'I wish we met under different circumstances.' Levi wasn't sure if he agreed with Eren's sentiment. This wouldn't be happening if they weren't scared. It would have been far too wrong. They would have run. But, he understood it.
He understood it all.
'Me too, kid.'
'Me too.' Erwin echoed Levi, looking over to his raven-haired 'friend' and smiling as much as he could muster. 'Am I the only one who's starving?' He suddenly added, covering up the cries of his own stomach.
'Here I was thinking you got fed.' Levi remarked- a question hidden under his false nonchalance.
'The food supply has been cut off for days. None of the soldiers have eaten in days.' Levi looked over, shocked. He had expected something better, better than his situation.
'Wait here.' Levi left no room for argument as he stood and rushed out of the cabin, leaving Eren and Erwin alone, huddled into each other for warmth.
'What do you think he's doing?' Erwin asked, his lips centimetres from Eren's ear.
'I think I might know and if I'm right, just wait until he gets back.' Eren smiled, a truer smile than he had smiled in days. Warmth, that's what they felt when they were together, what allowed them to ignore the hunger for even seconds as they let the other's warmth rekindle their own.
When Levi came back, it was with his and Eren's equipment. He dropped it dramatically, struggling for breath, muttering a quiet 'shit, that was heavy' before sitting back in his old place, rummaging through his bag. The other two watched in fascination as Levi busied himself despite having no sleep or food for days.
Levi was a force of nature, they agreed. Even if Levi didn't believe it.
Out of the bag, he finally found it. That perfectly wrapped parcel that Eren had given him just the day before. He unwrapped it without a care to reveal over a week's worth of rations, saved over months. Levi looked to Eren who simply shrugged. He knew nothing more than the other two.
'I think we might just live with this.' Levi let himself smile. He never smiled but this was enough. Them, this, everything was enough. He let himself feel content, blocked out the dark thoughts. Everything was looking up.
Because monsters were the ones that survived.
And they had all already accepted it: they were the monsters.
The monsters that didn't leave each other's sides even after the bombs dropped.
word count: 9045
published: 13.10.17