(Inhale.)
Tears begin to flood my face like a cup left
Under a
Running faucet well after the water has
Reached the rim,
My heart leaping to my throat,
Getting caught,
Squeezing,
Twisting,
Tearing.
My throat contracting around the emotions
That threaten
To leap up and out of my lips,
My stomach
Rumbling,
Wrestling,
Knotting.
My hands quiver as I reach up to blot
The tiny teardrops,
Leaving footprints down my cheeks.
The path that awaits me
Suddenly seems like a pilgrimage,
One foot,
Next foot,
Step,
Step,
I see you.
(I see her.)
You smile.
I smile.
(She leaves.)
You ask how I am.
(I lie.)
I reply that I'm fine
(Even though my heart has just crept
Up into my mouth and is jumping up and down
On my tongue like an Olympic diver
Waiting to hit the water.)
I want to say that I miss you,
Let you know that every moment I'm awake
I think of you.
I want you to know that I miss your arms,
Your smile,
Your lips.
I want you to know that
(I'm incomplete)
My body hurts,
My soul bleeds.
I ask how you are
(Hoping against all hope that you'll tell me
What I want to hear).
You reply,
(Your answer not including that you miss me,
That you miss my arms, my lips, my touch).
My eyes attempt to strip you down to your
Soul
(Searching for what I once knew so well).
They get lost,
(But find their way back to reality when they
Graze over the [ever-fading] hickey, just
Above the collar of the shirt she bought
You).
My heart leaps off the end of my
Tongue,
Wanting you to see the way you've hurt me
Wanting you to hurt the same way.
It falls to the ground.
(She calls you).
You hastily say goodbye,
(As you trot over to her)
Stomping,
Squishing,
Mutilating
My vulnerable, fallen heart.
(Not even pausing long enough to scrape it off
The bottom of your shoe, like a discarded
Piece of gum.)
She wraps her arms around your neck,
Beings her lips to yours...
(Your ears still turn red.)
People pass, as if I don't even exist.
(I want to cry, scream, shout.)
I want someone to find my heart,
Being it back,
Piece it together.
I turn away,
Hoping that one day it won't hurt
(As much)
And hoping that I will again be able to
Call you and have you come over to me,
Be able to buy you shirts that match
Your eyes,
(And leave the telltale hickey just above
The collar)
And will still be able to make your ears
Turn red from the
Friction of our lips.
I walk away,
Knowing my heart will not follow.
(Exhale.)
-Michelle Siil