The day had gone by pretty fast yesterday. Kane had helped me close the diner and he ended up staying until just passed midnight. I had been fast asleep, but woken up four times shaking and kicking. One nightmare was the first raping, one was of the days he beat me in and out of consciousness, one was rolling on to knives as he threw me on the table, and the last was the same as the other night; my mom dying as I was kidnapped.
"Happy New Years Eve!"
"What? It's New Years Eve?"
"Yeah, the diner closes from noon today until noon tomorrow. Kat was supposed to do something tomorrow but it got moved a day back so I decided you can have two days off!"
"Lily-"
"Don't argue Dani. Happy holidays!" And Lily walked back inside, off the balcony.
I was actually happy I had two days off because I wanted to spend more time with Kane. I know we spent every possible hour together but it just wasn't enough.
There was a knock at the door and Kat answered it before going downstairs, she had work to do with Roger before the diner opened.
I laid back down thinking it must not be Kane and jumped when hands covered my eyes, I relaxed, almost instantly, feeling Kane's presence.
"I can't see the sun rise."
"Well I'll tell you one thing: it's not as beautiful as what you see when you look in a mirror."
"Kane, the sunrise is the most beautiful sight, other than you, that I get to see. So if you're going to obstruct my view, it better be with your face."
He laughed but moved to sit cross legged in front of me, "Better?"
"Perfect."
He smiled, "Good morning."
"Good morning."
He just kept smiling, "What?" I asked.
"Today's a good day."
"Yes it is," but I still didn't see what was different about today.
"Today is my new favourite holiday."
"Why?" I was almost laughing. Seeing Kane sitting criss crossed in front of me smiling like its Christmas morning.
"Because, I have an excuse to stay all night! I don't have to leave you today."
"Oh! Today is a good day." Because it was New Years Eve he planned on staying all night, 'Today might be my favourite holiday too. Might be? It definitely is.'
"I'm glad you agree. Did you sleep good?"
"Sort of, I hate to ruin your morning."
His face fell and he looked so worried, "How bad was it Dani?"
"I woke up four times. Three of them were usual nightmares, but... like exaggerated truths. And the last one was the nightmare from the other night, I watched my mom die again as I was kidnapped."
"I'm so sorry Dani. What do you mean by exaggerated truths?"
"Well, one was about the scars on my back. It started with him throwing me all over the kitchen and I landed on knives on the kitchen table, but it was a combination of all the days that happened. I probably landed on knives like six times over the years, but only ever one at a time, but the dream was all of them, sometimes two at once. It all happened on separate days, but I was imagining it all at the same time. There were two others too. It was weird."
"So all of it happened. So its like your days are jumbling together?"
"Yeah, almost like I've grouped them in my head."
"That is weird. I agree. Have they ever done this before?"
"No. At first my nightmares were just groups of flashbacks and I'd wake up screaming. I had no idea what would hit me, I couldn't even make out some of it, usually just his face. Then I started getting them one nightmare at a time. Now they're all jumbled, but it's still clear."
"I wish I could stop them. Even talking about them you're terrified."
"How did you sleep last night?"
"Not very good actually. Not as bad as yours at all, but I had this weird nightmare. It was why I woke up this morning."
"Scared you? Kane, you're white as a ghost, what was it?"
"It was you drowning. Every time I tried to grab your arm, I would let it go because it was too slippery. You were falling further and further underwater every time I let you go. By the end you couldn't even make it back to the surface."
"Kane, I'm so sorry. This is my fault."
"What? No it's not."
"Yeah it is. Every night you have to leave, its the same thing. You let me go to sleep, and every night I wake up drowning in nightmares. I'm so sorry."
"Dani, this is not your fault. Listen to me," he lifted my chin, "None of this is your fault. Do you understand? Dani, nothing is your fault. My brain is just weird. It's probably because I over think things. You can't stop this because its not you. Don't ever think anything is your fault, okay? It was just a nightmare, it didn't mean anything. Do you believe me beautiful?"
"Yeah, it's just-"
"No buts Dani. None, absolutely none of this is your fault. I would have the nightmare every night, just to have you."
"I believe you."
"I just hope you know that slippery water would not stop me from letting you go, I would dive in and save you."
"I know you would, you're my hero."
"Come here," he pulled me onto his lap.
"I have a better idea," I moved and turned so I was straddling him, "I like this better."
"You have no idea."
I rolled my eyes, "You're such a guy. Oh! What did your boss say yesterday?" I asked jokingly.
"He was pretty mad. He did not want to let you go. Then he said that I would have to practice in order to stay better than him. He also said bad aim just won't do."
"Oh really, so he said you should practice, he wasn't even that mad?"
"We're gentlemen, may the best man win. And I did."
I laughed, "Well you better practice, tonight's the New Year kiss, better have it perfected by then," I said in a serious-joking voice.
"If you insist, then I will practice all day."
"And Lily said I have tomorrow off, while I'm thinking about it."
"Even better."
We sat like that for a while until the sun rose higher, "Breakfast?"
"Sure. What would you like to eat?"
"What do you have?"
"You know I only look in the fridge when you're here right? I really have no idea."
"Then lets go see." He carried me to the kitchen and placed me on the counter by the fridge. He looked inside it for a while and took some stuff out.
"Do you make any breakfast food?"
"Do you count subs as breakfast?"
"You really never cooked?"
"Kane, I was fourteen, I didn't do a lot of stuff."
"I'm sorry Dani, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant with your parents or anything."
"No, my mom did all the cooking, unless you used the BBQ, then my dad did it. We were always playing and goofing around, we never sat still."
"Well, I'm going to cook with you like my mom did with me."
"I doubt I'll ever be as good as you."
"Are you doubting my teaching skills?"
"Not at all," I said full of sarcasm.
"Well, you can be my practice student so I can learn to teach to cook really well, so that I can teach our kids."
I stared at him in awe.
He looked nervous, "What?"
"I love that you talk about them as if its natural. 'Our kids', like there's no doubt that we'll have them. You talk about our house like that too."
"Well, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure we get there, even if we adopt in twenty years when and if you're ready to adopt. I can be very persuasive."
"Don't I know it."
"What do you mean?"
"Count the promises I've made to you, then you'll know what I mean."
He laughed softly, "Yeah, I like making you promise things, promises are forever, so every time you promise, I can add something else to our list that will last forever."
"You have a list?"
"No, you know. Here, cut these up."
He showed me how and what to do. There were about four apples, and I diced them into small pieces.
I gave him the full bowl when I finished.
"Can you sprinkle some of this over them and stir?"
"Sure," I smelled the bottle of spice, "Mmm, cinnamon."
"Do you like cinnamon?"
"My mother used to wear cinnamon perfume. My father used to say she was bittersweet, so he always bought her them."
"Your father sounds like a good man."
"He was, he adored my mother. Mom looked after us, and dad looked after her, that's just how it was. She used to catch him staring at her when he was supposed to be watching us, he loved her. I always wanted someone who loved me like dad loved mom."
"And?"
"And my wishes came true, I have you."
"You always will."
I finished stirring the apples and handed him the bowl, he poured his bowl full of batter over them and mixed it together as I sat on the counter.
He grabbed butter and greased the frying pan before cooking the pancakes.
"I haven't had pancakes in so many years."
"Then it's good we're having them. These are apple cinnamon, with a pinch of surprise."
"You seem to like surprises."
"I do, it keeps life interesting."
"That's true." 'I hope he likes his watch.'
"Not that I need them any more, you keep me on my toes."
"Really?"
"Yeah, every day was the same before you. You make me see things differently, and enjoy things I never used to take the time to enjoy. Like the sunrise."
"And tonight we can watch the sunset."
"We can," he said with a smile, "That we can do."
"When do you want to go skating? Do you have to work?"
"I do want to bring the table to the house, I'll probably keep it in the garage. And I wanted to close off the upstairs, I finished downstairs, but I'm ahead of schedule, so today I'm free."
"And tomorrow? I can hang around here."
"No, I'm not letting you go if I don't have to. Unless you're working, we can be together."
"Do you ever get sick of having me around?"
"Do you ever get sick of breathing?"
"Kane."
"Dani?"
"No, I don't get sick of breathing."
"And I don't get sick of you. I get sick of being without you, but never with you. Why? Do you get sick of me? I can leave, I didn't realize."
"No! No Kane, I never do, I just don't want to be a burden. You only worried about yourself, and your job before. Now you worry about all my problems, and what you can do."
"Let me explain something to you."
"Okay..."
"I used to work 24/7, I would work at home, then go to work and work on the house. Whatever house I was building at the time, or flipping, I would be at constantly. Some nights I even slept there, so I could just keep working when I woke up.
"I never took time to enjoy the little things. I never cooked meals, just simple boring ones, never walked around town, or hung out with someone I cared about, except Dave. I would go for drinks about once a week with Dave, but I'd go home earlier than them because I had some part of the house to work on the next day. I worked every day. Once I was almost finished a house, I would get so carried away I wouldn't notice anything. I would already be looking for a new house to do before I was finished the last so I didn't get bored with nothing to do in between.
"I quit playing football when my Uncle died because I would show up alone and leave alone. I was alone. I would visit my sister for a couple days at a time, but I felt like I was intruding because she had a life and I'm not really in it. We still call, but more often now than before you."
He paused and picked my chin up so I would look at him.
"My life is two different parts. Before you, and after you. Trust me Dani, the part you're in is the shortest time, but it is the best time. I don't remember being happier, more loved and more excited to talk to someone before. You're my everything beautiful."
"Kane you mean so much to me. You literally mean the world, the moon and all of its stars. You truly are my drug, my addiction, my love, and my everything."
We hugged and let the butter sizzle.
"I love you Dani, I will never tire of you."
"I love you too Kane."
Kane had eaten five or six pancakes, I had eaten two, and I was full. They had been really delicious, with the apple and cinnamon.
"Kane those were probably the best pancakes I've ever had."
"Thanks. I'm going to have to make them more. I used to make all kinds for my sister, chocolate chip, blueberry, raspberry, cinnamon raisin, all different kinds."
"They all sound good."
"My sister thought so."
"You're sister was lucky to grow up with two chefs in the house."
"I guess so. How are your feet?"
"I kicked a lot last night. My one foot was really stiff this morning when I first got up, but I stretched it out and it's better."
"The other one?"
"Hurts."
"Your left?"
"Yeah, it still hurts, it seems to take a beating."
"Do you want a massage?"
"How can you think of massaging my foot after eating?"
"Well I was thinking of other things and they eventually led to it."
"I don't even want to know how you got there."
He laughed and carried me to the couch after we put our dishes in the sink.
He put me down on the far side of the couch and sat facing me, one foot in his lap, the other in his hands.
"Close your eyes Dani, just relax." His voice was deep and smooth.
"That's what this is about, the challenge from yesterday."
"Maybe."
"I knew it. I knew there was something else going on."
"I can stop if you want me to." He put my foot down.
"Tease."
He laughed and started rubbing my foot again.
"Does that hurt?"
"No."
"Does it feel good beautiful?"
"Yes Kane, it feels amazing," 'Stop moaning!' I told myself.
"I think your eyes are going to be dark."
"I don't."
"Open them, look at me Dani." The way he said my name wasn't fair, but I opened them anyways.
"Oh yeah, they are dark." His voice had dropped to a deep smooth tone.
"You should look in a mirror, Kane," he was still rubbing my foot and it came out almost as a whimper.
"It's not fair that you said my name Dani."
"But Kane, you said mine handsome."
"Now you're cheating."
"Whatever you say Kane."
His eyes visibly darkened three shades, and I have a feeling mine did too.
"Your eyes are growing darker beautiful."
"So are yours Kane. I'm glad you're not a masseuse."
"Does it feel bad? Does it hurt?"
"No, I just wouldn't want your hands on anybody else."
"Well, I know this wouldn't be my reaction to anybody else."
"Good to know."
"Does anything else hurt?"
"No, my hip and spine barely ever do. My wrist feels better and my hands are fine."
"Dani can I umm, can I look at the bruise on your spine again?"
"Yes Kane." I rolled over and felt him slowly lift up my shirt, with a small gasp, "What?"
"It's barely even there, it's just a bit red with a blue bruise."
"Yeah, it doesn't hurt."
"Would it be too far if I massaged your back?"
"Did you learn how to massage the whole body?"
"Yeah. I just didn't do all the writing classes. Can I massage your back?"
"I guess so."
"If you can't take it, just let me know."
"Okay."
"Promise?"
"Yes Kane, if it goes too far, or if I'm uncomfortable I promise I will say something."
"Good."
He told me how to lay and I followed his orders. I ended up with my hands under my forehead, facing away from him, with my legs completely laid out and beside each other.
"Relax, this won't feel good if you're not relaxed."
He did some things and I melted into his hands, "That's better," he said and continued.
"Does this hurt your spine?"
"No, it actually feels much better."
"We were taught how to get rid of knots, the pain from bruises, and the pain from sprains and small fractures."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Is that why you asked to see it?"
"Yes. It can't be fresh, or black, but other than that we can relax the muscles, decreasing the pain."
"I didn't know a massage could do that."
"You would be surprised what a massage can do," the way he said it implied a whole lot more.
I rolled my eyes, "Kane."
"Dani. Close your eyes, relax."
"How can you tell my eyes are open? I'm not even facing you."
"I just can. Close your eyes and relax," I closed them. "Better?"
"Yes."
"Told you so."
I mentally rolled my eyes.
He had massaged my back and feet for a combined forty minutes.
"Thank you Kane, it feels a lot better."
"Your back or feet?"
"Both."
"Good to know I can help."
"Kane you help in a lot of ways."
"That's what you say, I just wish I could do more."
"You do more than anyone."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course, you don't have to ask Kane."
"It's kind of personal."
"You're scaring me."
"It's nothing bad, Don't worry. I just- I was thinking- Maybe-"
"Kane, just ask."
"Do you think you'll visit your family again?"
I looked down. I've thought about it a lot but hadn't come up with a definite answer.
"To be honest, I don't know. I really would love to see them again, but they've moved on by now. They've had seven years to get over it, get over me. I'm not saying they've forgotten me, but they aren't who they were five years ago, and I'm not the same either. I know I'm way different than I was. Way different. I don't want to trouble them with my problems. And that's four more people that would think of me as broken and fragile, and pity me."
"They wouldn't pity you Dani. I think they would want to know that you're alive."
"I thought about that too. They probably think I'm dead, and I hate to make my parents sad, but I couldn't take it for them not to like me, this me. I'm not the little girl that was kidnapped."
"What were you like at fourteen?"
"I was small. I was small, but outgoing. I loved adventure and wanted to travel the world, still do. I never wanted to give up volleyball, got pretty good marks in school, but I put volleyball first before anything. I liked being alone too. I always wanted more space, especially after spending all day at school. I talked to few people at school because my sisters were all the friends I needed. Everyone thought I was quiet but I wasn't at home. I was talkative, open and always happy. Mom used to say I had a permanently contagious smile on my face. When my youngest sister was small I would do the stupidest things when she was upset because I hated seeing her sad or mad. But that's not me any more."
"Dani?" he lifted my chin and looked me in the eye, "You're not that much different. People still think you're quiet because you keep to yourself. You find everything you need with your closest friends, Kat, Lily and I. You are quiet in public, but not shy, and at home you always smile. It's still a contagious smile, and it's always on your face. You're outgoing and you try everything. You used to put yourself completely into everything, at least you did with school and volleyball. And now, you do the same thing with work."
"I didn't think about it that way."
"You're still you Dani, you just matured seven years. You still have the same personality, and they'll love you. They'd love you even if you weren't. But you are. You still have all the memories and childhood as them, yours was just cut short."
"Thanks Kane."
"What else is stopping you?"
"What?"
"You don't sound convinced you should go."
"I know I should, you made that clear. I just, I don't want to go alone. I'm strong and happy around you, but if I went alone, I would be small and weak again. I don't want them to see that side of me."
"Dani, you don't have to go alone. I would come with you."
"You can't not work that long."
"After I close the house there is nothing I can do until we put the porch on. In fact, I was on the phone with my sister last night and she asked if I would go out and visit her for a couple days. I usually go around Christmas but she was away on work. I told her I would, but only if I could clear up a couple things first and bring someone. She said there was always room for more, and that she's away this week, but home all of next week. I figured we could go together, so you could meet my family, and I could go meet yours. But now I'm thinking I should take more than a week off and we can both go to both."
"You want me to meet your sister? And you would actually go with me to meet my family again, for the first time in five and a half years."
"You would have to meet my sister eventually, you'll be her sister-in-law one day. And I definitely want to meet your parents, because I want to thank them for having you. Without you I'd be nothing."
I thought about what he said, "Sister-in-law? You want to meet my parents so you can thank them?"
"Yes sister-in-law because, if you are ever ready for it, I'm going to marry you. And yes, I want to thank them. They obviously raised you really well, and I would love to meet your sisters."
I was still in shock from the whole 'marriage' thing. I never really thought about it.
"Dani?"
"Huh?" I looked up. I was still shocked.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Marriage."
"Are you against it? I always thought things should be traditional. Marriage, house, kids. I'm sorry, I shouldn't just assume."
"No, I'm not against it."
"You're really pale. What did I say? We don't have to get married, ever, if you don't want to. None of this will ever happen if you don't want it. I won't push you."
"I know you wouldn't." I could feel the colour slowly come back to my face, "You want me to be your wife?"
"Yes. One day I do, when you're ready."
"Oh. I never really thought about it. I would have a sister-in-law. And a father-in-law."
"Yeah, if he even comes to the wedding."
"You're doing it again."
"What?"
"You're talking about all of this like its going to happen. You put so much faith in me that I will be able to do it all one day."
"I put all my faith in you."
"You want me to be your wife?"
"Yes Dani, one day I want you to walk down the aisle with a beautiful white dress as you take my breath away, and then give it back to me when we kiss. Then I'll carry you over the threshold into the house we built, and we will continue our life as husband and wife."
"You think about this a lot."
"I think about you a lot."
"I can tell."
"So?" He sounded expectant.
'Is he asking me to marry him?!?!?'
"So what?" I held my breath.
"Do you want to go to Alberta and meet my sister, and see your family?" I breathed out a sigh of relief.
"Yes, I want to."
"But will you?"
"Yes, but only if you come."
"I'll be right beside you the whole time."
"Promise?"
"Yes beautiful, I'll be beside you the whole time, through everything."
"Does your sister want to meet me?"
"She's been asking since I first told her about you."
"How much does she know about me?"
"Not much, just your name and that we spend a lot of time together, and that I love you."
"Really?"
"Yes. She was actually the one who told me I had to tell you. She said that if I liked you this much that I had to do everything in my power to keep you because you must be 'seriously special to even catch my eye'."
"Is that what she said?"
"Word for word. She knows I didn't really look at girls before."
"Did she think you were gay too?"
"No, she wouldn't have let me, thank God."
I laughed and he looked like he had a question, "What's the question this time?"
"You sighed earlier in relief, why?"
"Honestly? I thought you were asking me to marry you. We were talking about it and then you said, 'So?' and I guess I got spooked. It was just too quick."
"Trust me, you'll know when I'm asking you to marry me. That's not something small, it will be obvious and you'll be blown away. I just hope you say yes first."
"What? You're worried."
"If I had asked you then, would you have said no?"
"No I- I just- It was too quick. I guess it's a good thing you brought up marriage, because if you do ask it would be embarrassing for me to collapse or something in shock."
"When."
"What?"
"You said 'if' I ask, but it's more accurate to say 'when' I ask."
"You really want to marry me? You want to come home every night to me and our kids in our house? You want to make, share and have memories with me forever? Just me?"
"Yes, I want all of that. I want all of that with you. Not just you, there is no 'just' about you. But yes, I want all of that with you. I have never thought about it before, but now, I can't imagine not having it with you."
"Really?"
"Dani? Do you want any of that with me? Do you want me to come home every night to you? Do you want me to raise kids with you and live with you? Do you want the rest of your life to have me in it?"
"Yes, of course! Yes Kane, nobody else but you. I want to share it all with you."
"Then why is it hard for you to imagine that I want it with you?"
"Because you could have anybody. You're perfect. You could have any girl you wanted, they would probably line up just to spend a day with you, I know I would. But yet you'd settle for me."
"Dani, I'm not settling for you, and I'm not choosing you. By luck, you're having me. I don't deserve even an hour with you, but I will work my whole life to keep you, now that I've got you."
"Kane, you have that backwards."
"No beautiful. And now that we got that out of the way, do you believe that I really want you forever?"
"Yes Kane."
"Good, I was afraid I would have to show you somehow, and I'm not that creative."
"You already have. You say it in everything you do."
"Well it's worth it if you believe me."
"I do."