The first part of this book is coming to an end, and so much is about to help. Buckle up, peoples. It's about to get interesting.
Summary: the one with the revelation
EIGHTEEN
I woke up the next morning with my head leaning against Violet's chest. My arm was slung carelessly over her stomach, her hand pressed to my hip. I couldn't recall when we went from our opposite sides of the fort to cuddled up neatly into each other. I tried to peel myself off of her without waking her, but the moment I lifted my head up her eyes fluttered open. She gazed at me groggily and then suddenly her eyes flew open in a panic. Her body sat up sending me scrambling away from her. We both were sitting up staring at each other intently trying to process what just happened.
"Violet," I said gently. I opened my mouth to tell her it wasn't a big deal but she was speaking before I could.
"I-I gotta go," She rushed out. The panic in her eyes disappeared and in crept the apathy. She gave me one last look before she left. I wanted to chase after her, but I knew better. Luckily, the weather had eased up outside, the wind and rain had lessened. I wasn't happy that Violet left, but I was glad she wasn't going to be taken away by a flood of rain or struck down by lightning. But the Violet that fled was not the Violet of last night. No, last night she was raw and vulnerable, now the old Violet was back and I was left to guess what spooked her. I had a strong feeling it was our cozy position we woke up in, but, with Violet, it was impossible to really tell. There wasn't anything wrong with friends cuddling. I had done with with Carmilla and Aurora for years. What was the big deal? I thought.
With a heavy heart and a big sigh, I took down the fort we had made and put the pieces away where they belonged. Slowly, I went through the motions of feeding the dogs and making sure they were all set for the morning. The rain was slowly pitter-pattering against the roof, and a slight shine of the sun had broken through the clouds. While it may have been nicer outside, on the inside, my body was a more akin to the storm last night. A violent, tumultuous whirlwind of emotions churning deep within me. I tried to keep my breathing even as I continued to do work, but the images of Violet swarmed me, clouding my thoughts. I almost fed several dogs the wrong food and nearly stepped in a pile of dog crap before my relief came in.
The two older workers whose names I honestly didn't remember walked into the pods and smiled at me. The older man with dark hair spoke, "Briggs said you're good to go." I nodded and smiled gratefully before leaving. With each step I took my brain bombarded me with Violet.
Violet's fiery red hair in contrast to her creamy skin.
Violet smiling.
Violet's laugh that lights up her face.
Violet's hand in mine.
Violet's secretive smirk.
Violet hugging me.
Violet holding me while we slept.
Violet. Violet. Violet.
I stumbled out the front door, confusion written all over my face. The sky decided at that very moment to open up above me and pour. Rain came down faster, harder, and incredibly cold. But I didn't stop moving. My brain told me to walk, one foot in front of the other, each step getting faster, and faster, and faster, until I was running. I didn't care that I was getting soaked to the bone, or that I could get hurt, or that I looked like a lunatic running through the street. The only thing I cared about were the thoughts whipping through my head. With every step I took I tried to leave Violet behind like she had done to me so many times. But she kept coming back. She always came back. Her hand outstretched to me, or a shy smile, or an indifferent look. It didn't matter because she always came back.
But is that all I should care about? That she comes back after abandoning me again and again with more questions than answers? I asked myself as I ran. I felt like I should know who she was, and why she ran off all the time. But who was I to demand to know something. We all have our secrets and the things that are hard for us to talk about. I certainly hadn't told her everything about me. Just once, when things get hard, or confusing, I wanted her to stay. Maybe that was too much to ask of her.
My feet hit the pavement covered in puddles. The legs of my pants soaked much like the rest of my body. My brown hair was matted against my head in wet strings, but I didn't care. I wanted to put as much distance between me and Violet as I coul.
My stomach erupted into a fit of nerves at the thought of her. "What is wrong with me?" I said to myself, slowing my pace and dropping to my knees in the street. Every thought of Violet violated my mind and I couldn't bare it. I was so confused by her. We were friends, but then it seemed like we weren't. And the way I looked forward to seeing her, how I look for her everywhere I go. Being near her felt like a riptide. I was being pulled under her spell, captivated by her presence, in awe of her beauty.
I got back on my feet and kept moving, stomping through the rain, until I came to a house near the center of town. I trotted up the front steps onto the porch and out of the rain. My finger pressed the doorbell and waited for the door to open. I shivered against the cold wind chilling me to the bone. The front door creaked open and Carmilla stared at me wide eyed.
"Emery? What are you doing here?" She asked, "Oh, my God, did you walk here? Get inside you look like a drowned rat." She ushered me inside and told me to stay put while she got me a towel to dry off.
"I-I didn't know where else to go," I said through chattering teeth. "I -- Violet -- We -- I think --" I couldn't breathe. All the weight of my thoughts crashed down on me and I fell into Carmilla's arms.
"Come on, babe, let's go upstairs and get you into something dry," Carmilla hugged me tight. "Then we'll talk, okay?" I nodded weakly and followed her cautiously up the stairs behind us.
**
An hour later, I was dressed in a pair of Carmilla's sweatpants and a hoodie to keep myself warm. We were sitting on her bed, a heavy blanket wrapped around us. I had just spilled my guts to Carmilla about everything from the moment I met Violet to this morning. All the thoughts, feelings, and complications that came with Violet, I had laid them on the line.
"Jeez," Carmilla said after I finished. "I thought something was going on, but...wow."
"Wow?" I looked at her, eyebrow raised.
"You guys seemed to be friendly, I just didn't expect it to be so intense," She explained. "It all seems so confusing."
"Imagine how I feel," I grumbled. "I can't figure it out, Carm. I want to be her friend, but I also..."
"Also what, Emmie?"
"I feel different around her. There's something about her that keeps drawing me in and making me want to tell her everything. It's not easy, she's so hard to crack open. But, last, night was amazing, Carm," I divulged to her. "It wasn't complicated, it was just fun, despite the weather. And I can't get it out of my head...I can't get her out of my head." Carmilla regarded me carefully, like I was a piece of fine china, before she spoke again.
"Emery, do you like Violet?" Carmilla pushed.
"Of course I do, we're friends," I said confused.
"More than friends?"
"What?" I shouted. "No, no, I couldn't, we're just friends! Sure, Violet's breathtaking and I can always be myself around her, but there's no way, is there?" I looked to Carmilla for an answer, she just shrugged. "I've only known her for a couple months, and I just broke up with Sawyer, isn't that fast?"
"We can't control how we feel," Carmilla said. "Everyone goes at their own pace, Emmie. What may be fast for me isn't necessarily what's too fast for you."
"I just know I like being around her, and I hate when she leaves me, Carm. Everytime she walks away from me with that emotionless face I feel like I can't breathe, and I want to fix it. I want to be there for her, like she's always been for me. Violet's complicated, and confusing, and so incredibly infuriating, but..." I trailed off. There was nothing more I could say, because I realized Carmilla may have been onto something. The feelings I had for Violet weren't simply platonic. I cared for her more than I had been willing to let on - to Carmilla, to Violet, to myself even. There was this electrifying and magnetic pull that I felt between us. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, no matter how far I ran, what I felt for Violet was going to stay, whether I wanted them to or not.
"But?" Carmilla asked with a smirk on her lips. She leaned forward, looking at me expectantly. I was scared to say it. The moment those words left my mouth was the moment it all became real. Thinking about my feelings for Violet was much more different than actually saying them outloud. It would change everything, not only how I thought, but also how I would act toward Violet. I didn't want to ruin what semblance of a friendship we already had. There was no way I could hold it in anymore, though. The thought of how I felt toward Violet bubbled up inside me wanting to spill out, wanting someone else to be clued in. So, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and took the plunge.
"I like Violet."
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Duh, Emery, we all knew that.
But the question now remains, how does Violet feel??
Update to come on Friday 10/20