Read the A/N in the end if you find the chapter a little complicated *sorry I tried to make it as simple as possible*
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Not a trace of emotion stilled on Arian's face.
All feelings disappeared within her, the cold numbness residing in her mind. She was wiped out of any feelings...but it seemed that this aching pain in her heart wouldn't disappear with them no matter how hard she tried, she still felt the piercing pain of losing her daughter.
It hurt because this what enjoys the shade of her blood, wasn't her Lily, it wasn't her daughter who she yearned for to finally hold her in her arms, it was something else. Something...sad...a shell of her daughter.
Seeing this girl's, hazel eyes and dark blonde hair made it painfully true, her daughtr was gone. It was worse than seeing her lifeless body, it was worse than seeing her blood splattered on the ground.
It was worse than this torture. Seeing Lily...was worse than living these 600 years mourning over her.
Arian's heavy lids parted, she could see again. She looked down at her still chained body, red, alls he could see was the colour red, it was a deep crimson colour. Lily promised to paint her mother in the beautiful colour red, and the little girl did a good job at keepping it. Just now Arian had the opportunity to see her daughter's painting, herself.
Lily wanted the end work of hers to be a surprise for Arian, so the little girl gladly made sure Arian couldn't peek.
Lily stabbed Arian's eyes out.
Her sweet daughter's words as she did it would have made Arian laugh if she felt anything but numbness.
"Lights out mommy, you will love this surprise" Lily had said.
The knives were gone, they were no longer rammed in her stomach nor thighs. The piercing silver around her neck was gone, she was only chained on the chair by her legs and arms. She beared the whole week without losing consciousness, when she finally did Lily was gone, her wounds were healed. Arian had to admit.
"Lily really does know how to make my little stay enjoyable" she muttered to herself, her voice so ice cold that it would have made anyone shiver under its tone.
The last...endless hours came rushing back to Arian's mind. She was left with Lily for what it seems like hours, but she knew better than to think that. It has been a week. A whole week with her little daughter. If she had heard about this months ago she would have sold her soul to even have an hour with her baby girl.
Arian understood one thing in this week, in these endless hours of bone crushing, heart shattering torture.
She wanted to save Lily.
She wanted to save her.
It's sad...almost a shame Arian thought.
Lily was happily asking Arian questions, humming melodies, and just talking like a 6 year old who wanted to know her mother, the sincerity and innocence in her every word made Arian almost believe it was her daughter if it wasn't for the fact Lily was doing all this while re-decorating her guts, gushing about the deep rich colour of her abdomen.
She wanted to save her, and that meant...to kill her.
There was no other way, Arian wants to give Lily what she never had....what she didn't deserve.
Salvation.
Death.
Freedom.
"Arian" a worried voice said.
Arian didn't look at her, her gaze was fixed at the seiling, it was impressive that Lily was able to even get blood on there.
"Look at me" the goddess asked now a little stronger, her pleading tone could have been a trap but...Arian doubted it.
"What do you want?" Arian's head slowly tilted at the now long haired woman, her face relaxed. She could feel the sticky blood on her skin. Arian guessed she has changed her appearance again, she did say she can change her physical form to anything in a blink of an eye.
"I am...sorry...I-I couldn't stop it...I-I.wasn't able to--" the goddess had a guily look on her fair face.
Arian just stared at her, she didn't feel hate towards this woman. She felt nothing but this familiar pain that she couldn't grasp. Something that has planted itself in her and no matter how hard Arian tries to rip it out.... she can't...like it was a part of her.
Arian took a deep breath, she was tired. Tired.
She wanted it to stop, she wanted this last feeling of pain to leave so she could wrap herself around this numbness.
This pain was the last thing that gave her the feeling to be alive, and she wanted it gone.
Leave.
So you figured out what I am?
You are pain.
No...and Yes. I am another word for it.
Anothor word?
"...the voice means memory" the Moon goddess wiped away her tears.
Arian's eyes widened slightly.
"Me-..memory?" Arian spoke slowly, her eyes wandering around the room nonchalantly.
"You might think...this voice in your head is the Bookman in you which keeps your memory seperated from your work. Luke didn't lie to you, every Bookman has this voice which helps carry the massive load of information over the years, but you Arian...you don't have it because you didn't need it, you weren't even supposed to have any voice in your head but you still have one..." the Moon goddess spoke softly afraid to cause Arian's shattered soul more damage.
"Stop. Just tell me the truth...I want to hear the unfiltered truth" Arian said.
The moon goddess bit her lip afraid of the answer,"You actually...don't care...you gave up"
Arian smiled. Oh, how the moon goddess wished she didn't.
A smile craved of ice so cold it could freeze your heart. And it froze her with the sadness within it.
"You didn't need a Bookman voice in you, your mind was far stronger than any Bookman before you" she mumbled.
"Arian...why do you think you were so...normal when you left the Redmoon pack? Why do you think you had such a clear mind over the situation? Why weren't you suffering mental consequences of this year of torture? How were you behaving so normal even though you just escaped hell? You have these premonitions, like the the feeling you felt when you got here, or the time you stopped the rogues Liam sent to you and fell off the cliff. Haven't you ever thought of that?" The voice of the goddess was weak, she was dragging the words off her tongue.
"Because I have a f*cked up mind." Arian offered.
She had no idea how much she was right in a way. Her mind was dragged to hell and back, her soul the bag dragged behind it.
"You will hear this voice warn you, even though itself knows that you won't hear it out.
You, Arianrhod Blackburn....this isn't the first time you've lived this. This isn't the first time you have lived this life" the goddess should already have been used to her cold stare but it still hurt.
Arian just stared nonchalantly at the goddess no reaction dawning on her frozen features.
"Long before your time, you must know I was a werewolf, I was an oracle that had great powers and was going to become the next Moon goddess. Like anyone I had...a mate...he was kind, sweet, he was my other half and I loved him more than my life. My powers were beginning to grow, I was able to do things..that should be impossible. But my mate still stuck by my side even if I thought of myself as a monster.
Then the point came where I just lost...all my powers, everything...I was overjoyed....till I found out that becoming the Moon goddess had a high price. And that price was cleansing. Cleansing my soul....it sounds harmless but what it meant was...that my soul will be clensed from every emotion. How do you feel Arian? Numb? Empty?....my soul, no, I was put through every humanly possible pain to clense my soul from any human emotions to make the perfect puppet.
My seemingly perfect life fell apart before I got the chance to hold it together. I was suddenly betrayed from my own family, I was raped by people of my pack who thought getting the oracle pregnant would give them brag right. I was abandoned by my sister, my parents threw me out, I was kidnapped and tortured. Slowly my feelings faded, the pain slowly poisoned me untill it only left a shell of my old self...but one person stayed by my side, my mate he didn't know half the stuff that happened to me..yet he stayed. But even him I had to leave when the day came...." she sighed.
"it wasn't the best day because he found me in bed after some pack members again had their way with me and I told him to never show his face to me again...that I hated him and he didn't mean anything to me, I didn't tell him about all the other times they used me, it didn't matter, I didn't feel anything, even when I said it to him, I didn't feel any remorse....I left him when he vowed under tears to kill me...his love for me destroyed him" the goddess eyes hardened, it wasn't the first time she has told her story. This whole situation was just a deja vu to her.
"I died and became the Moon goddess...I looked down at him, he was still my mate and I cared for him somewhere in my expired soul. So I gave him half of my powers...I thought it would keep him save....his name is Francis....he--is the one who...manipulated your memory." The goddess couldn't meet Arian's eyes, she knew that that her gaze will be filled with nothing. She didn't care anymore.
"So why did he help Liam with his plan of revenge?" Arian asked.
"Because he noticed me when I made you a Bookman. He has half of my power, which made him able to control life energy and stretch the life spam of Liam and Lily. He was able to manipulate the minds of those pack members making them think they work for another pack to spy on the nightfall pack, it is one of the abilities I transferd to him--"
"Just get to the point, what is this voice in my head? And what did you say about 'this isn't the first time you've lived this' ?" Arian asked impatiently, hearing the sad life story of the goddess didn't interest her in the slightest. She just wanted to get rid of this pain.
"I wanted to help you Arian because I understood the pain you felt, you aren't the next moon goddess or anything for that matter. You are just a soul that fate decided to torture and I couldn't sit there and watch. So I helped you by making you a bookman...you lived 600 years, met Jake, got rejected, then stayed and changed his mind, Liam got you and brought you here, in this room...I can't tell you what happened after...not Because I don't want to, I simply can't, but I can tell you that you died....your life ended"
"that happened once in the past.....I couldn't let your life end like that so I brought you back in time to the day your brother left, where your pain started...you didn't remember anything and lived your life again, I thought maybe if I brought you back in time you can change something because I can't. But everything happened again, Lily died, you became a Bookman, got rejected by Jake, he accepted you, Liam got you, you getting tortured...and what happened after that till you died. Everything happened again," the Goddess spoke slowly making sure Arian understood what she was saying.
She was aware that this story was...more than crazy. It was ridiculous for the goddess to help a mere werewolf just because they felt sympathy. Even made them a Bookman when they weren't supposed to be. And sent them back in time for them to have a second chance...or multiple chances.
It was a laughable story in the eyes of Arian, a smile plantedon her cold features. She really would laugh, maybe even shed a tear from laughing too hard.
She didn't care.
She didn't care what happened to her, she just wanted to 'save' Lily and stop Liam. Nothing mattere,d her numb self whispered but the smile of Jake flickered in her mind making her icy smile falter.
Nothing matters...yet he does.
He still does.
I am such a selfish piece of sh*t, a worthless b*tch. What do I think I will be able to go back to him? What can I give him?
Love?...sex? A mate?
He is better off without anything I could give him, Zaire was right.
I leave destruction wherever I go.
And now he is involved in this.
Stop.
Stop this pain.
You should have told him you loved him, now...you will not like what will happen.
But does it matter?
Didn't you say 'nothing matters'
Remember my words, saying these three words will burn your heart to ash. It will leave your soul in pieces.
And you will say them.
You will.
"I brought you back in time again, you re-lived your life till the day you died, I couldn't let you die like that. I wasn't able to leave you...so Everytime the day came when you died I brought you back in time....you have lived this life...now for the 56 time" the Moon goddess' lips pressed into a thin line.
"To the voice...bringing you back in time for so many times...I didn't think it through, I was so fustrated because you would always take the same path over and over again that lead to your death...I didn't think that this would demage your soul and mind since you don't have any memory on your past life..or lifes---
your memory of your past lifes started to pile in the back of your mind, they aren't in reach for you but they still exist in the back of your mind...that memory took form..and now is the voice in the back of your mind....it is a tortured...agony filled piece of your soul that remembers all these thousand years you lived the same life over and over again, the pain, the torture...but the voice can't tell you...nor can I...fate doesn't allow it,
I tried to warn you in one of your past lives...but my voice didn't reach your ears, no matter how much I screamed. The voice started to act like your Bookman voice.... sometimes it would speak up and let out a report like message, like the time you found your mate" the Moon goddess said.
"It said 'Arianrhod Blackburn found her mate' and signed in the end with the same name, but you weren't able to hear the name because of your manipulated memory. This voice in you... is you. It is a you that has suffered years of neverending torture--"
Arian interrupted the goddess, her icy tone even making the moon goddess flinch.
"So I will die maybe today or the tomorrow...and you will again bring me back in time in the hope I will make even one different choice. You can't tell me what will happen because fate doesn't allow you, neither can the voice tell me what will happen. Did we have this conversation before too?" The goddess nodded.
It made sense how she had this fear of coming here, it was because she knew that Lily was here somewhere in the back of her mind.
"Then stop it" Arian said. "Stop trying to save me"
The goddess stumbled back, her eyes wide and alarmed "wha-" her voice was cut off.
She opened her mouth opened but not a word left her.
Arian watched the goddess' panic and...hopeful eyes meet her hard ones. The goddess shook a little with the effort as she tried to get a single word out.
The Moon goddess was overjoyed and shocked.
This never happened, the goddess had this conversation with Arian 56 this one included, and never had she answerd with this.
She should have said, or begged her to save her...but Arian asked the opposite. She wanted her to stop. To stop trying.
You could call the goddess crazy but this was the first change in the thousand of years she let Arian re-live her life. The first change....even if she gave up, for the moon goddess it might be a sign for a miracle. Maybe Arian will get what she can't have, she wanted death, now she will live.
A naive theory but it was the first step in so many years.
"Are now finished my goddess?" Arian had a mocking aspect to her words.
The Moon goddess stared at the red painted woman in front of her, struggling against the silver ropes around her lags and arms, this was also new. In all the other times Arian stayed still in her seat till Liam graced her with his disgusting presence.
Grunts and frustrated breathes left Arian as she struggled to get out of this chair, now that she was healed she might be able to break free.
And then kill Lily and Liam.
"What do you plan to do?" The moon goddess asked eager to know what this new life line has to give Arian. If this will be the final 56 try where Arian doesnt die and might even be happy, the moon goddess would finally be at peace.
"I will kill Lily and Liam" she said coldly while trying to loosen her arm from the silver.
"If you really want that..."
"You must know they are just like you, vessels pumped with life energy. They are seemingly immortal. There are 2 ways for you to kill a Bookman or any being who was inserted other than his own life energy. The first one is to hurt or kill them till their regernation drains the life energy in them...which means kill them as many times till they can't regenerate...that might take days to bring them to that point...how many Liam killed. Also do you remember the time where you tried to find a way to end your life? If you had stayed on that path long enough...maybe months...you would have been successful in killing yourself."
"The second way is...blood. For beings like you, Luke, Arlen Liam, Lily and other vessels with life energy, blood is poison. But not any blood, it must be the blood of someone who is also a vessel pumped with life energy. If you can get your blood in the blood stream of any Bookman or Liam and Lily...they will die, because your blood has a poisoning effect on any other being that is like you, seemingly immortal. I don't know if Liam knows this or even any Bookmen for that fact" she finished, her eyes eyed the silver ropes on Arian, she would help her but her form isn't organic, she can't touch anything.
Arian stopped moving, a sinnister smile gracing her lips. Her eyes still their dull silver shade hooded with bloodlust. She was able to loosen the silver around her arms and legs, if she continued she would be free, but she didn't. She let the silver be wrapped around her limbs.
Arian leaned back in her seat her eyes glued on the door waiting for Liam or Lily.
The little plan she had brewed in her mind made the smile on her lips widen.
She will kill her daughter today.
And she never thought she will be this happy to do it.
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First that was long don't complain...please *pout*, second...
Let me wrap the thing with Arian up for those who couldn't understand it.
The Moon goddess noticed Arian, she watched her live her life until Lily died and then the Moon goddess interfered and made Arian a Bookman. Arian continued living, the Moon goddess made Arian save Jake for them to meet, and for her to save him (duh)
then she got taken by the redmoon pack when Liam let his friend (who is also the mate of the moon goddess) manipulate Arian's memory. Arian got tortured then escaped, found Jake, got rejected, got accepted. Had fun till Liam came again, kidnapped Arian and tortured her while using Lily for it. After that...somethings happened that caused Arian to die (things the Moon goddess isn't allowed to say). So Arian died, the moon goddess couldn't let her die like this so she brough her back in time.
She did all this 55 times, Arian would go through her whole life till her tragic death then the goddess would bring her back in time in the hope Arian would choose a different route. This time (the current) is the 56 time for Arian to re-live her life.
So this is the reason why Arian had such a muted reaction to some things...and such a strong ones to others.
She has already lived her life 55 times, this one the 56.
I hope that was simpler than the one in the chapter...if you still didn't get it...I don't know man. I also warned you all that it will get complicated.
I hope that is complicated enough.
Tell me does it click? Why Arian wasn't so affected by the torture. Why the people around her felt more familiar than anything.
I hope that was a good plot twist.
I still have one last thing I have still to reveal.
And I practically rubbed the hints in your faces but no one seemed to guess it. It is funny to read your commemts which....*zips mouth shut* *humms and walks away*
When I finish the book there will be a Q&A about still open things that I didn't clarify or just questions to me.
Till next update.
[Edit: the idiot that I am, I forhot to mention it. THIS BOOK HIT 2M READS! at this point I wishedI would have made a bet with my sister on this...dang it. THANK YOU SO MUCH IMMA CRY K bye]
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