I wake up to the smell of fresh lilacs in my window sill and the soft waft of teacakes, the day has come where I am united in marriage but it doesn't feel that way. Aren't supposed to feel graceful and beautiful on their day? Like the entire world has presented them that very day just to appease you? I don't feel that way, I barely know the man who I am supposed to call my husband.
"Have you risen lady? We have large preparations this morning." A nurse of Ove's opens my doors and lets the premiere of the day in.
"So early?" I grumble sitting up in my bed.
"It's nearly noon!" She giggles at me.
"So late?" I balance myself to my feet and look out the window she opened, my eyes lids fold until they are used to the bright adjustments; all the chairs have been set at water front with the aisle finishing being constructed by three men.
"Astrid my dear!" My mother calls, I don't have a chance to look behind me. She pulls my arms back into a chair and twines my hair like she had practiced yesterday in this very room.
"Your flowers are picked and set perfectly in bloom, and the musicians are here, the Ottoman is also just arrived in a tight vest, perfect for this occasion-"
"Mother." I grip her arm so tight. "I'm not ready." my eyes shake vigorously.
"Neither was I child." She smiles at me. "When are you ever ready to marry someone you don't know?"
I'm surprised by this answer, since when did my mom even know the concept of marrying a man you din't know? That happened with her and father I'm sure, but she never made a remark upon it before. "How is that going to help me?"
"Because your whole life is going to throw you surprises." She sits me back down in the chair so she can finish tying my hair in tight knots letting the textured ends hang down my back.
"But you and father, you guys seemed so happy together." I pass her ties so she can hold my hair in place.
She breathes out a laugh through her nose. "I'm glad you think that, we hid a lot of our troubles from you and Saga."
My father died when I was younger, he worked far north collecting ice to sell at the market for the blue tag people. Now I sit her in the blue garments, I feel like a shame to my father.
"How am I supposed to stand there with Ove if I'm embarrassed to even sit in these clothes?"
"You smile, listen, and don't forget to do just that."
"But mother this is Ove! He has money and power! He will leave me in the dust the first chance he has!"
"Astrid!" My mother moves in front of me to hold my knees still, I never even knew they were drumming on the floor at the rate they were. "Remember, for every eye Ove has, you have two more." She smiles wider patting the side of my thigh. "Smile and listen."
I don't think she understands.
"Who do I listen to?" I shake my head.
"Ove of course, but once he's gone listen to yourself, you know best."
"No offense to you but father was orange tag, not blue. You had to work to stay alive mom, here I am stuck in dresses appealing my husband any way I can. Forget about my needs or anything else other than Ove, it will always be him first."
She shakes her head like she sees something I don't.
"You will understand soon, you will have more in a second than Ove will have in his lifetime." She looks into my eyes for a moment longer before raising to her feet.
"Where is your dress?" She changes the subject.
"Is it time?" I whine.
She nods. "It is... time."
*.*.*.*
I stand behind a closed door waiting for my time to come. I hear the chatter of the rich families who think it's funny to mock the orange tag people, I guess that's what they are doing. The longer I am here the more distant I feel from my new reality.
A horn sounds in the sky and the busty blue doors groan open to sunlight and crowds of cheering and clapping people, uselessly standing just to witness me walk to the end of the aisle lined with intense agitation of clapping hands. Ove stands at the end waiting for me. With these two things, I feel a lack of motivation to walk out, more like hide in the shadows and cry.
Behind me I feel cold hands graze my back, initially I think it's my mother but she would be in her seat with a washcloth to wipe her tears while everyone else had disposable tissues.
The frail blonde lady takes my hand and points to me nodding.
"I'm ready?" She faces her palm to me and nods deeply with her grey eyes staring at my hands and my eyes, guiding me out the door.
Once I reach the alter, we exchange a few words I don't put a lot of thought into and both raise swords touching them to each other, joining us together.
"Do you, Ove Lyreborg take Astrid Solem to be your wife, forever and always in sickness and health with our without Arcadia?"
Ove looks at me and smiles. Put on a show right? I think to myself.
"I do."
"And so you, Astrid Solem take Ove Lyreborg to be your husband in sickness and health with or without Arcadia?"
I feel reluctant to answer but it makes it's way out of my lips.
"I do." I squint around the front couple rows of faces I can recognize with distinguishable eyes and I see Saga wave and cheer me on with Arvid slung in his arm. Wait, Arvid went back for Saga in the market place? Wasn't she on the train with some orange tag gentleman?
"Then I pronounce you Ove Lyreborg and Astrid Lyreborg husband and wife."
Ove leans in to place his lips against mine, they are cold and abrupt. I embrace him because I know I am supposed to and distance myself from him once I have the chance.
My eyes scan the colossal of moving people for Saga but somehow it's difficult to find her when everyone wears white for my ceremony.
"Shall we move to the hall?"
"Yes please." I take off faster than Ove and stand at the open doors waiting for people to walk through quickly identifying that the faces are not Saga's or Arvid's.
"Astrid!" Ove calls me to the middle of the room for our first dance.
His hands are smooth, he pulls my waist in close to his and begins spinning me around while in the distance a harp and violin player sound some graceful tunes to dance with.
People all around distract me until they quiet themselves enough to watch us dance.
Surprisingly Ove knows how to dance, I never thought him as the type which takes a moment for me to get used to by my feet seem to follow him fine.
We bow signing the end of the song and other couples begin to join.
Food sits on tables along the side of the room and I catch Arvid standing and collecting two drinks for himself and Saga.
"Arvid!" I shake his shoulder.
"Ove! Hello my man!" I look behind me and see him standing tall behind me.
They begin small chatter of marriage duties but I don't have time to listen.
"Arvid where is Saga?" I rudely interrupt their speech, I shame myself as I do it.
"She's watching the children in the corner over there." Arvid points, I see him quickly spike his glass with alcohol and I grab Saga's glass before he spikes hers as well.
"Arvid! This is my wedding!" I snap and turn my head making my way to Saga.
"May I have the blue one please?" a young man asks, his blue tie bugs his neck I can see from the red marks from scratching and his constant pulling of his clothes.
"Saga how can you leave this poor boy in such pain." I say jokingly. I pull his arms towards me and loosen the tie so he can at least breathe.
"Hey! How are you doing?" she smiles wide, I miss her so much, I forgot how beautiful Saga is. I see she bought henna from the market place and dyed her hair a bright red and curled it atop her head just for this occasion.
"I am well, I have to speak with you though." I hand her the drink in my hand and give her a look she knows we have to speak immediately. "how are you with Arvid?"
"Well, I told Kåre I couldn't stay with him, he was already in love with another woman and I wouldn't be able to see you anymore so we went back to the market place and made arrangements." She said nervous.
"How?" I take her arms desperately.
"I spoke to the lady at the doorway with the green glasses? She rearranged it so I could get picked again."
"And Arvid chose you... Saga you have to help me I can't stay with Ove."
She grimaces at my attempts. "Astrid she was able to change my marriage before I was married, I'm sorry to say but you are already married.
It's done, my life us already chosen with Ove, I can't change that even if I wanted to. Saga senses my nerves and hands me back the drink. I wish I would have let Arvid spike it with alcohol.
"No matter what I am here for you, okay?" Her eyes stare me down but I avoid her gaze. "You are better than Ove will ever be." She assures me by placing her hand on my shoulder.
"Yea, my mother told me the same thing." I giggle at the irony.
"Well, Astrid." Saga looks almost in pain as she admits this to me. "She's right."
*.*.*.*
After greeting nearly every guest filling Oves house my cheeks hurt from smiling, even the fake grimaces hurt. I need some time to myself where I am not crowded by at least twenty people.
I lead with my shoulder through the crowds of sweaty arms until the hall opens to a winding staircase.
Once I reach the top safely without any wandering eyes catching me disappear, I am able to release.
Wind pushes my hair behind my shoulders as I lookout over the horizon. White bundles of agitated water collects and dive for the shore just soon to be dragged out and pulled back into the ocean. The trees grow wildly and sway in what looks like in tune with the waves.
I am married.
"Astrid." I hear Ove begin behind me, it doesn't surprise me at all that he is there because I can hear his footsteps plant on the ground, I think I just try to convince myself he's not there. "Everyone has left now, the ceremony is over."
He stands beside me and tries to take my hand to test the waters, but I crumple my fingers into a small ball refusing.
"Astrid we have to try and make this work."
I close my eyes and block out the sounds around me, I know what he means exactly, the marriage is never official until I truly meet him, in bed tonight.
"This will be my first time." I say.
"I'm not surprised."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I sneer.
"Nothing!" he shakes his hands getting defensive. "I just, wouldn't have expected you.. to do that kind of thing." He answers me sincerely.
"Not because I couldn't!" I shove my index finger in his face, near threatening death if he didn't watch his mouth.
"Okay not because you couldn't!" His hands raise higher.
I turn around to the ocean so I don't have to look at him, but I sense he isn't finished yet. He calculates my body posture waiting a moment until my hands loose their whiteness and their strangling grip on the railing he begins again with his hands on my shoulders.
"Don't bother-"
"Shhhh.." I know behind me his brows crease from annoyance. Sequentially, his fingers move deep into to shape of my collarbone and back out around my shoulders into the blades of my back.
In the corner of my eye I see a mush of white, I move my gaze to join it and I see the frail lady from earlier grasping at the silk curtains which line the window.
My mind shuffles through some ideas. Leave? Run? Punch him out?....Stay? Once she is happy with my decision to stay her palm raises again with red ribbon tied long around her wrists, probably the ends would touch the floor is she let her arms rest to the ground, she nods deeply.
"Okay." I mumble to Ove just loud enough so he can hear. He takes my fingers loosely expecting me to follow and this time I don't refuse. We turn away from the ocean view towards his room where I will sleep for the first time.