Mum and I finished dinner and after helping her clear up, I went back to my room. Out of habit I checked my phone, and found that I had a text from Dad:
Hi Ellie. Haven't spoken in a while. Maybe we can catch up soon. Hope you and your mum are well. Dad x
I groaned in annoyance. How dare he ask if he can see me? As if I would want to spend time with him after what he did to us. The way he put 'your mum', implying he has no connection whatsoever with her angered me so much. And as if he really cares about whether me and mum are well. We are, no thanks to you.
I exhaled to try and calm myself town, flung myself down on my bed, and closed my eyes.
Tap!
I opened my eyes; I must have fallen asleep. I glanced at my digital clock; it read 9.26.
Tap! Tap!
What the hell was that? It sounded like it was coming from the window. I made my way over and opened it up fully. And sure enough, standing on the grass below my window and a pile of stones in his hand, stood Joel.
"What the hell are you doing?" I hissed.
"I needed to see you," he whispered back, looking up at me. In the moonlight, the whites of his teeth were so visible; they almost glinted. I swivelled my head around to see if Mum had heard and come upstairs to see what was going on. She wasn't there; phew. She would freak if she knew.
I looked back down at Joel, who was still standing patiently. He was wearing the same shirt as earlier, but this time converses instead of boots, and a jean jacket. It really suited him, I think because it brought out the blue in his eyes.
"Come up then," I said, trying to sound suductive and wrapping my hair round my finger.
"Can't you let me through the front door?" Joel asked, bemused by my actions. I let my hand drop, and felt my cheeks burn.
"We can't let my Mum find out," I said.
"But how...?"
"Claim up a drainpipe or something," I said, "like they do in movies." He hesitated. "Go on, you're a boy."
My reference to his 'masculinity' clearly changed his mind, and he walked over to the base of the drainpipe and put his foot on the corner. Using his hands, he hoisted himself up so that his legs wrapped round the pipe. I giggled.
"What?" He asked, his face straining with the effort.
"You look like a monkey."
"I'd like to see you try," he responded, and continued to climb. I suddenly thought to tidy my room before he came in, and turned back to survey what needed to be done.
I picked clothes and books up from the floor, and smoothed my duvet. I debated whether to hide Mr Bear who usually sat proudly on top of my pillow. I didn't know whether boys were bothered about that sort of thing. Eventually I decided to stuff him in my sock drawer; at least he would be comfortable.
I walked back over to my window, and saw that Joel was almost at the top. Now was the tricky bit to try and get him into by bedroom. I concluded that it would have to be face-first.
"Um, if I just-" I tried to grab under his arms, but my hand slipped so it was directly under his armpit.
"Oh, sorry," I said. I pulled one arm, and he used the other to pull up from the window ledge.
"Yeah, keep pulling," Joel said, gritting his teeth.
Finally his head was through the window, so he could use his hands more easily to pull himself up. Not realising he didn't need my help anymore, I continued to pull him through. The combined effort resulted in Joel shooting through the window, and pulling me with him. I landed with my back on the floor, and Joel on top of me.
"Ow," I said, because I didn't know what else to say.
"Ow," he agreed, looking down at me. His eyes seemed bluer than ever.
"Um, sorry, should I-" I motioned to try and get out from under him. Being that close to Joel made me dizzy.
"Yeah, sure, sorry-" We disentangled ourselves so that we were sitting on the floor facing each other. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them, suddenly very shy.
"Sorry to interrupt your evening," Joel started. I shrugged, to indicate that it was no big deal. He looked around him.
"I like your room," he said. I smiled.
"That's the exact thing I said when I first saw your room," I said.
"Yeah," Joel said, and looked away. I knew we were both thinking about the exact same thing.
"Look, I'm sorry again about what happened, I-"
"It's okay, really. I don't want to talk about that." He nodded.
"So what do you want to talk about?" He asked.
"You tell me. You came here." He scratched the back of his neck, thinking. His face was twisted into a frown, and at that moment I so insanely wanted to kiss him that it was all I could do to stay where I was.
"I dunno. I guess I didn't come here to talk." He said, making eye contact with me. I shivered.
"Then what did you come here to do?" I whispered. I suddenly felt like the whole world was listening.
He smiled.
"This," he said.
All of a sudden his mouth was on mine, his fingers in my hair and twisting behind my head. My hands were looped around his neck and I scooted forward slightly to be nearer to him. The kiss deepened, and became more passionate. The pressure of his mouth against mine increased, and he began to slip his fingers down the neck of my top, tickling my skin. He moved his leg to get more comfortable, and in the process knocked my bedside table, causing my phone to fall onto the floor. I froze, and Joel's mouth slipped from mine.
He opened his mount I speak, but I stopped him.
"Sh, sh," I said, straining my ears to listen out for any movement downstairs. I could hear nothing. I looked back to Joel, biting my lip and trying not to laugh. He smirked at me, then all of a sudden stood up, pulling me with him. He both sat on the bed, facing each other. I crossed my legs.
We just stared at each other, silent. I noticed everything about him: the soft curve of his upturned lips, the defined line of his jaw, the ruffled texture of his chocolate brown hair. Finally he spoke:
"You are perfect Ellie." I shook my head, still not used to hearing such complimentary words spoken to me, especially from someone like Joel.
"No, you are," Joel insisted, "and I need you to know that so you understand I would never do anything to hurt you, and you are so special to me. You are nothing like any of the girls I've spent time with, you're so different. You're perfect to me." He said simply.
I exhaled slowly, taking in all that he said.
"That means... So much to me," I said, pausing, "You need to know how perfect you are to me, too. Everything about you is just..."
"Beautiful?" He suggested, grinning widely.
"Hey," I said poking him in the stomach. Wow, he is toned, I thought.
"Sorry," he said.
"But really," I said, "you mean as much to me as I think I mean to you."
"That's a lot, then," Joel said, his face serious.
"Yes," I whispered.
And even then, although I knew, it was too much to say those three big words. And Joel seemed to sense that too.
"C'mere," Joel said, opening up his arms. I slid across the bed towards him, and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me to him. I leant my head on his chest, feeling the rise and fall as he breathed. He bowed his head and kissed the top of my head, lingering. He laid down on my covers, and with my head still on his chest, I laid down next to him.
I was in the midst of sleep when I heard him say, "I love you, Ellie." But I was too far gone.
In my head, I said, I love you too.
*****
"NO!" I scream, tearing at the walls. They are closing in on me, threatening to suffocate me. In the distance I see Joel's face, mocking me. I hear him laugh, but it is not his kind, warming laugh. Instead it is cold and cruel.
The speed of walls gets quicker, and I give up, sinking to the floor. They inch closer, and Joel's laugh fades.
"Please, no," I say, "Joel. Joel. Help me, please." He opens his mouth to speak.
"I never loved you, Ellie." I shake my head.
"No. NO." He nods, and his mocking smirk appears again. "NO!" I sob, covering my face with my hands.
I awoke with a gasp, and sat bolt upright. My face was wet with tears, and I could still feel the fear inside of me from the dream. I couldn't help it; I began to sob.
"Ellie?" came a muffled voice from my left. Joel. He was still here.
"I-," I tried to speak, but by tears overwhelmed me.
"Hey, sh, it's okay," he soothed, "I'm here, it's okay. I'm here." He sat up, stroking my arm and slowing me to cry into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I said, "it's just, I had this nightmare." He nodded sympathetically.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked sincerely. I took a deep breath.
"There were walls crushing me. I'm claustrophobic, so it was awful." I hesitated, unsure of whether to tell him about the other part; the part with him.
"You can tell me," he told me, as if he knew.
"Um, you were there," I said slowly.
"And?" He encouraged.
"You just watched me get crushed. And you said-," I paused. "You said that you never loved me. So you wouldn't help me." I finished and looked at Joel to see his reaction.
"Oh my God, that sounds horrible," he said, looking away, "but you know that's not true though, right?" He levelled his gaze on me.
"I... Think so," I said tentatively, "just as I was going to sleep, I heard you..." I trailed off.
"Oh," he said, his face sheepish.
"You look so adorable like that," I said without thinking. I felt my cheeks redden, and I covered my face in embarrassment.
"Ellie, look at me." He said. I took my hands away from my face. He took my hands and held them to his chest. His eyes raked my body, and I felt so exposed.
"You heard me say I love you?" He asked quietly. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
"And I meant every word."
I didn't know what to say.
"I totally understand if you don't, you know, feel that you can say it back, I know it's early-"
"Yeah," I answered, "Joel, I really really like you, but we only met two days ago."
"Yeah," he said, biting his lip, "okay."
"And it's not that I don't think I ever will, but I barely know you."
"But don't you feel like we've known each other our whole lives?" He looked at me shyly.
"Of course. But I think we should take things slowly."
"Okay," he said.
"Okay," I whispered.
"Now go back to sleep," Joel said, lying down, "and I'll fight off any bad dreams that you have."
"Thanks," I replied with a smile on my face, "Night, Joel."
"Night, Ellie."