Yes, the first thing that I do when I arrive is going to my office, I literally down on my knees seeking to apologize as I enter my managers' office.
"What are you doing Chaengie?" Manager Unnie asking me
All of them are so shock at my act.
"Seeking to apologize. I am sorry that I went AWOL for 5 days. I am so so sorry"
"Ya Chaengie, please stand up. Don't do that" Manager Oppa then help me to stand up.
"Jihyo already covered it up for you. We all know what you were doing tho" The managers are already know.
"So, do you bring a bad or good news?" Manager Unnie asks it.
"Neither. Give her some time off, Oppa, Unnie. She's been sick for almost 3 months, she must be missing home that bad. She will come at March whether to continue with us or not. Perhaps it be better that we come up with plan B when perhaps we face the major change" I really don't know what her decision could be, but it be so much better that we prepare.
"Yes, Chaengie's right, it's her rights, we should respect that"
I nod. The managers thank me for my service as if I am a soldier.
I should report my trip to Jihyo Unnie as well. I know that she's in the building giving some class for the new trainees. I look for her. There she is in a big classroom, teaching some stuff. It's almost 7 pm, the class should be dismissed in a while. I wave at her, she signaling me to wait for 5 minutes. I wait, the trainees come out from the classroom and all of them greet me. Can't help but feel old. I enter the classroom.
"Unnie!"
"Chaeyoungie! Have some rice with me, I am so hungry"
"Okay"
We then eat at the restaurant near our building.
"So? She can't be shaken right?"
"Unnie, actually, when I arrived there and searched for her. I also think about this and that. I really love our member as a person. Yes also as a Twice, but I really love our member individually. I try to put myself in her shoe as well. I decided not to dragged her here but to support whatever decision she make in the future. I believe Mina Unnie is a mature woman, I know that she will choose what's best for her. Yes, years we had the same dream, but perhaps each one of us also thinks about other things except this. And we should let them have it, right Unnie?"
"As expected, you could be more more more mature than me, Chaeyuongie. I also realized that days ago. That I should respect each other's dream as well. But I will never stop to begging JYPE to grant her request. So there will be no other cases like this in the future. This entertainment should support us in achieving our dreams. If you happened to have a problem, please talk to me, and we will find a way out together. Okay, Chaengie?"
"Okay Unnie"
"Thank you for your efforts, seeing her to Japan. Really thank you"
"I talked to the managers, I told them to make a plan b if we perhaps have a major change in the future"
"Yeah thanks for doing that"
We then eat together. We laughed together. I know that Jihyo Unnie cares about us more than anything. She is as expected our leader, who never leave us behind. Who always do things to the last and let us have first. I hope she won't be disappointed at her decision.
We both come home together. I am so tired having a long flight as well from Wakkanai. As we enter our dorm all of them are there. Jeongyeon Unnie is the one who preying me with lots of question, but then Jihyo Unnie order me to rest, Jihyo will be the one who explains to our member then. I enter my room and falling myself to the bed. Tzuyu then also enter my room.
"YA SON CHAEYOUNG, You better explain to me what happened"
I lazily come from the sleeping position to sitting position.
"Are you a person who can think?" Tzuyu say it again "If that's the case why did you even have a relationship with him? Is this a joke?" I down my face.
"I'm your best friend, right? Am I right? But you don't even tell me about this? I was so panic when Samuel told me that you can be reached until Jihyo Unnie told us."
"Jihyo Unnie wanted this to be kept secret from you guys" I say a word
"It's not about where you are, it's the fact that you were in Japan, went through all that shits again, are you pushing the reset button now?"
"To be honest I never push the forward button Tzuyu if you wanted to know. I wanted to, I really wanted to, but I was stuck. I can't move. I wasn't able to. I know that I am wrong, I do realize that. I should be beaten up, but not by you" I say it with a high voice. I am kind of mad, yes.
"Maybe you will understand this someday, Tzuyu-ya. You didn't want to do it, your mind and soul were telling you the same thing. You were against it, but then your body did the opposite. When I knew that I couldn't have a chance to see her again, I immediately bought a ticket. Next thing I knew, I was in Osaka. For the past 5 years, I ignored this feeling. I tried to forget it, I pretended that everything was fine and good. But then, I can't-do it anymore"
"What did you get then? Huh?"
"Answer. I got an answer. I will take all the punishment Tzuyu-ya. And yes, you are my best friend, I am your best friend, but sometimes I know that even my best friend can't stop what I was going to do. Cause I am too stubborn. I am sorry, and thanks"
By that statement, I went outside again to join their conversation regarding Mina Unnie's situation. Jihyo explains to them that we should do nothing but support her, she's on the lowest point of her life. The quarter mid-life crisis hit her hard. I also tell them not to worry as Mina Unnie will contact each one of us, but I beg them to give her some time. Time to think. That's just something she needs right now.
I then entered my bedroom again. I haven't charged my phone since this morning. So many messages come to me. Time to read all of this and have it reply. As soon as I turn my phone, a text from Mina Unnie come. Can't help it but smile.
"Are you home, already?"
"Yes, just arrived. Jihyo Unnie just delivered the news to our members. I bet, Jeongyeon Unnie will text you in a minute"
"She already did it" She then sent me a screen shot of Jeongyeon Unnie's text.
"She's so scary tho"
"I know right?" She says it. "Have some sleep, Chaengie. You must be tired"
"Yeah, you too Unnie. Goodnight~~"
"Goodnight~~~"
As soon as I back to the chat timeline, above Mina Unnie's chat, there are a 67 unread messages from Samuel. Oh, my God. I need to deal with him as soon as possible. I call his name in our chat. He immediately read it and call me.
"Chaengie! Are you alright?" Samuel asks with a calm tone. I miss him too actually.
"Yes, Sammy, I am okay"
"Oh, Thank God"
"Sammy, can we meet? If you're not busy"
"Yes we should, how about the day after tomorrow? I am free"
"Yes, me too"
"I will come and pick you up then"
"Okay"
I hang up. I take a deep breath, I should really tell him about her. I can't be like this. He deserves more than me. He's a nice man.
Tzuyu then also entered the room. She stands up in front of me.
"Chaengie, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you"
"I know. When you were mad to me, It means that you still care. I am fine"
"I haven't' been able to hear your stories lately, but then I judge you that way. I am so sorry"
"Do you want to hear it then?"
"Yes. Tell me" Tzuyu then sit on my bed. We tell each other stories up until Dahyun Unnie come to the room and sleep.
It's the day where I will meet Samuel. He wanted to take me to Anyang and Oido in Gyeonggi. It was a quiet place where we could enjoy sea and seafood. We strolled around Anyang first. We go to Anyang Art Park. Speaking of Art, I haven't been able to draw things lately. I should do that again. It was a very quiet park. Anyang is famous for its calmness. We enjoy the art around this park. Samuel is really known his way to avoid the crowd. We strolled around Anyang city as well. It's been a long time that I could enjoy strolling a city like this. I am so happy just strolling around city, streets, and spend time in a park, stream or river. Those little things make me happy. We even visit a market, a really pack market to have lunch there. We don't have to be careful since there are no youngsters there. All of them are elders. Then he takes me to an arcade game. There's a street who fill with lots of PC Bang and Arcade game place. We played there, took a sticker pictures there. We did what other couple did when they date each other. We hold hands as we strolled around this street once again.
Then Samuel says that it's time to go to Oido. We arrive at Oido at 4 pm. Samuel park his car by the sea. It's magic hour time. We stroll again by the sea, walking towards the lighthouse holding hands. I sometimes link my arms to his, we walk towards the dock, watching the seagull flying and watching the sunrise. He then opens his masker for a while, I open mine, it's our signal when we want to kiss each other. He gives me a peck kiss. This man is so lovely. And I am about to hurt his feeling.
We then stopped at one small restaurant to eat fresh seafood. I don't let him drink since he will drive us back. We ear cheesy clams and scallops. The best clams I've ever taste, because it's so fresh. We eat like crazy, it's the best time to enjoy seafood. We talk and laugh over everything. He is such a good companion, such a very good boyfriend. I do love him. Then we decide to walk again since we're too full. We walk to Oido Red lighthouse. I peel upstairs, there's no one. I bet the scenery would be lovely since it's a night. We climb the lighthouse. I think It's time to talk with him. I pay the guard so that no one could interrupt us. I arrive at the top.
WOW, the scenery can't lie. It's beautiful. I can see the lamps from the street below. I could also see a sea from this level, a city lamps in front of this island too. It was beautiful. Samuel never fails to bring me joy and happiness. He stares to see for so long.
"Do you see?" He then asks me.
"What?"
"The edge of that see, do you see?"
"No"
"It's just like my feeling towards you, Chaengie. Endless" I smile at him.
I ever used that term also, but for another person. I am so cruel now.
I cleared my throat and call my name.
"Samuel"
He takes a big gulp and silent for a bit. "I know what you want to say to me, Chaengie"
He cut me off. I am shocked at his stement. "Can I say it first?" He added
I take a big gulp and nod to him.
"This past 2 years, was the happiest to me Chaengie. Really. You know that I've ever mentioned that the happiest moment with you is when you said yes. When you out of the blue showed up at the first snow, kissed me. It was when I felt happiest. And you've been a perfect girlfriend. I thought I could please you or something since it was really hard to open your heart to me. But you made this easy, cause you also give your heart in our relationship. You hate texting, but that's the only way we could communicate, you always replied my text in a second. You hate lovey-dovey, you always told me that, but as I think about it you are the most lovely girl in my life. You cooked for me, you wake me up, you said a goodbye kiss, you hate aegyo but you did it anyway. I really love you"
He says it while his face facing the sea.
"You never forget about everything that happened in my life like my birthday. You and I celebrated our awards together. We spent time at Christmas as well, your birthday, our anniversary, and our million of encounter that maybe only happened in each other car since we avoid the crowd of course. I really love that you respected your parents and your family and you always reminded me of my parents. That I should call them, text them, asking how they are. You made a lot of efforts towards our relationship, Chaengie. Somehow I felt so thankful about that"
I copy his style, facing the sea together.
"But sometimes I feel that you tried so hard, Chaengie"
She looks at me, I look at him. His face turns to sad mode now.
"Every time we see each other you always asked me 'Are you happy, Sam' and of course my answer would be yes. Cause I am. You always asked me that question. You overcome things that you hate just for me. You hate celebrations, but then you made my day became so important. All of them. You always tried to give me the best presents. Always. Which I am so thankful because I could never have a girlfriend who could be this thoughtful as you are. But Chaengie, I know that you tried so so hard, it's just painful to see you like that"
"I think deep down inside, you still can't forget about her too"
I shed tears now. How can a human be this perfect as he is now? How can he always understand my condition, even my worst condition?
"I just realized it lately. That you had to see her every day, and you spent most of the time with her, you lived with her. how could you face that face everyday huh? Must be hard for you right, Chaengie?"
Did he know? He knew who she is?
"You know?" I ask.
He nod. "I've been guessing this past year, but now I know who she is. There was a moment where I am not sure, but I am so sure now that it's her"
"Remember when my bone fractured because of the car accident? You took a good care of me. Took care of me in the morning, then after your schedule. You were a good caretaker. I needed to do a therapy mostly in the noon, and mostly at my home, but that day I went to the hospital because my therapist wanted to meet me there. That was where I saw you in your stage costume, in front of her room. Just stood up there, saw her from the window, in tears. You wanted to go in, but then you backed off, you tried to knock again, but you can't. You've been back and forth like that 7 times, I counted. You just sat outside, crying. I saw you twice, on Monday and Thursday, doing the exact same thing. You failed to knock. I am the sure that time. It's her, the one you couldn't forget about"
I can't deny his words. My tears are falling hard.
"Seeing you hurt like that, also hurt me, Chaeyoungie. I felt helpless, I wanted to help you, to erased that pain, but no matter how I tried to ease the pain. I just give you, even more, pain, am I?"
"No you're not, you are not at all" I answer him while sobbing.
"In my desperate moment, I asked Tzuyu yesterday where you were. As soon I heard Japan, and you won't pick up my phone. I already knew" He also shed a tear. He immediately wipes his.
He takes a deep breath. I also take a deep breath, I want to stop this tears.
"I am so sorry Samuel, that I've tried so hard for us. I really do want to change myself. But I ended up taking the same route all over again. I do mean it when I say I love you, Sam. I really do. This heart is still beating for you. Really. I just don't know why the other feeling get even bigger"
"I know, Noona, I know"
"I am a bad woman, Sammy. I tried so hard, I made a new resolution every year to be a good girlfriend for you because I really like being with you. You showed me many things, you are the only person who could be my boyfriend, my oppa and also my dongsaeng at the same time. You may be younger than me, but I really adore your brain. Because you handled things maturely. YOu hold my hands, you never leave me behind, you lead the way. You know what, you are my ideal type. I do love you, Sammy. Without you, I could never know that such love exists. Without you, I would never know how is it like to be loved"
I hold his hands, he couldn't hold his tears too.
"We should this Noona. I don't want to hurt you more deeply than this" I should be the one who says this tho.
"You shouldn't be with a damaged girl like me, Sammy. You deserve so much better than this"
"Don't say that. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Chaengie. The best thing. I could never forget about you"
I snot my nose too many times now.
"You too, you are the best thing that happened in my desperate life Sammy, you are my oasis, my water in the big dessert, I will never forget your kindness, your loveliness until I die. Never"
He then kisses me. It's long and deep. It's our goodbye kiss. She then cups my face and hugs me tight. I feel that I don't want to release him, but I have to.
"I'll wait for you in the car, take your time" He then go downstairs, I know that he will cry alone in his car. I know him too well.
Me as well, I can't stand anymore, my body feels weak as I fall to the ground. I cried. I take a deep breathe and cry. He is indeed, the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I go downstairs, I go to his car. I can see from the front that he still put his head to his steer. I knock his car. He startled. His eyes are so puffy. He then wears his seat belt. I stop him. I wipe his tears. I need to cup his face for the last time too. He surrenders and leans his face to my hand. I shed tears again. I kiss him. I kiss him goodbye.
It was the quietest ride ever. An hour drive from Seoul. He focuses on the road while I am still crying and looking to the side window. I snot my nose too many times.
We then arrive at our dorm building. He holds my hand before I get off.
"Let me hold this for a while, Noona"
I let him then.
"Do we have to cut our contact off just like any other couple"
"Ya! Did we always do what other couple do?"
"Never"
"Then don't, please don't. I can't stand being an evil person. You can keep calling me Chaengie even. I don't care" I take a deep breath, him also.
"Let's keep contact then, tell me if you need anything, tell me if there's a good news from her as well"
"I will"
He then kisses my hand.
"Go, go, or I can't let you go" I look at him again and stroke his cheek.
"Goodbye, Sammy"
"Goodbye, Noona. I love you"
"Me too"
I get out from his car. Wave him goodbye. I take a deep breath again.