Nearly two weeks passed, and Jinyoung kept his word: Jisoo hadn't seen or heard from at all in the days that followed their confrontation.
His words rung in her ears all day and all night: maybe you should be alone.
Jisoo reached behind the computer monitor and shut it off with the push of a button. It was evening, and she was getting ready to head home. Tomorrow was to be the big day.
As she made her way to the elevator lobby, Jisoo thought of what Jinyoung said. She could remember everything about the confrontation, right down to the inflections in his voice as he delivered those heavy words, right down to the grave look on his face as he shook his head and walked away.
What Jinyoung mean was that, as much as Jisoo attributed her perpetual singleness to having ridiculously high standards and forever shopping around for the perfect man, deep deep down, maybe the real reason she was alone for so long was because it was better for her to be alone than to hurt people with her selfishness. That she was too selfish to have a relationship with anyone.
And what made it hurt even more was that Jisoo felt, deep down, that he was right. As usual.
But is it selfish to have a dream? Jisoo thought as she boarded her train and sat down for a long journey homeward. Is it selfish to pursue a dream as wholeheartedly as she pursued hers?
You're an idiot, said the voice in Jisoo's head. This is wrong and you know it. This is Song Mino all over again, and you're falling for it. Just tell someone. Tell Dara. Do something.
You can't, said another voice. It's too late anyway. Everything is going down tomorrow, and you're not invited to the meeting. It's all in Julie's hands now.
You can still stop it. Tell Dara. Tell someone. You'll be a fraud and you'll lose Jinyoung forever if you don't.
But if you do, you'll lose Embrace. You'll lose your dream. You can't turn Julie in without dragging yourself with her.
Jisoo was so lost in her troubled thoughts that she almost missed her stop. She jumped out onto the platform and accidentally bumped into a girl who shoved her away. She made her way through the station and back up to the street on shaky legs and started to walk in the direction of her apartment. She felt drained and tired, as she had ever since Julie Kiyoko had recruited her for her sick plan to get revenge on Dara.
The moral battle taking place in her heart was consuming her. She lost her appetite and was always too restless to sleep at night but then too tired to work in the morning. Her irritability had gotten her into more than one cat fight with two of her roommates, and she had headaches all the time. She didn't know if she wanted to just turn herself in a long with Julie or just wait until it was past tomorrow.
And she missed Jinyoung. There were several times in the two weeks that followed their confrontation that she wanted to call him or show up on his campus again and tell him that she was sorry. But she held herself back each time, telling herself that it was over. That she'd disappointed him for the last time. She remembered the cold disgust in his eyes when he told Nawon to go to hell. If she tried to apologize now, Jisoo knew what kind of reply she would get from him.
He'd never take her back now. Even if she did decide to call this whole plan off. It's all over.
Jisoo waved her card key in front of the sensor and let herself into her apartment. Jennie was sitting on their blue couch watching something on her laptop when she walked in. Her friend sat up and gave Jisoo a suspicious grin.
"So, there's a surprise for you in your room," Jennie said as Jisoo shut the door. Jisoo shrugged her bag off her shoulder and set it down by the shoe rack.
"A surprise?" she said.
"Mhmm," Jennie said, giggling. "I didn't know when you'd get back from work, so I told him he could just wait in your room."
Jisoo froze.
"Him?" she said, eyes wide. A boy? Jinyoung?
"Yupp," Jennie said. "He's been waiting a while, so you'd better go—,"
Jisoo didn't even wait for Jennie to finish before dashing down the hall toward her bedroom. Her heart started pounding as her legs brought her closer. She grabbed the door knob and burst into her bedroom to find a man sitting at her desk, dressed in worn out jeans and a khaki jacket, his balding head resting against her chair. Jisoo gasped.
"Appa," she whispered in surprise. A smile broke across her father's face as he rose to greet her with a hug. Jisoo threw herself into his embrace.
"Why'd you come up so early?" Jisoo said. She had taken her father out to a restaurant for dinner so they could talk. She thought of taking him someplace fancy to impress him with her new city lifestyle, but they ended up at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant without a name that served typical Korean street fare. It was small and humid and intimate. They sat on low stools with chipping paint, and Jisoo decided that she liked this option better. It felt more like a place she and her father might eat at if they were back in their hometown.
"There's still two weeks until graduation," she said, taking a napkin and laying it in her lap. Her father chose to tuck his into his collar.
"I thought I'd surprise you," he said, smiling with his slightly yellowed teeth. "Nothing much is happening back home, and I missed you."
Jisoo smiled. Although she didn't want to end up stuck at home her entire life, she did still miss her father. She missed his easy smile, his terrible jokes. She missed his awkward dancing and his trot music blasting in the living room on Sunday mornings. She missed his earthy smell and his gruff voice. He was familiar and comfortable, a soothing presence.
"Well, you know I do still have work," Jisoo said. "And I have to study for finals and then take exams. I won't have a ton of time to show you around."
There were quite a few sights that she wanted to show him. Her father wasn't in the city very often, mostly because he hated the city with a burning passion. In fact, she was surprised he showed up this early and opted to spend two extra weeks there. It couldn't have been cheap, either.
"That's alright," he said as a wait brought them a pitcher of water and cups. "I'm not that interested in seeing it. Frankly, I don't know why you're so drawn to it."
Jisoo laughed gently. She remembered how he had stared at her blankly when she announced that she wanted to go to college in the city and fulfill her dream of being a cosmopolitan city girl. After years of being Kim Peachu, Jisoo wanted to be someone else.
"I like what I like, Appa," she said, taking a drink of water. "It's not so bad."
Ordinarily, she didn't like to bring the topic up. It was sensitive territory, and the last thing she wanted was for him to try and talk her into coming back home for good. God knew that she had enough on her mind without having to feel guilty about neglecting him, too. It wasn't as if she was going to abandon him completely, she thought. Lots of children move out of their childhood homes when the time comes to chase after their own prospects.
A waiter brought a pan full of noodles, soup, and vegetables and placed it on the electric stove-top between Jisoo and her father. They waited for the brew to come to a boil.
"I guess I'll have to get used to it," her father said, looking into the soup. "Since you'll be working here and all."
Jisoo looked up at him with a puzzled expression. She held her breath. Was he saying what she thought he was saying?
"Do you mean... you're okay with me staying here?" she said.
She watched as he gave her a slightly sad smile and poked at the noodles with his chopsticks.
"You're getting too old for me to tell you what to do, anyway," he said. "The tighter I try to hold on to you, the more you'll squirm to get free, too."
Jisoo felt a surge of gratitude overwhelm her. She smiled at him and let the warmth spread through her. She didn't realize just how badly she'd longed for him to say those words to her until now.
"You really don't know how much it means to me that you're okay with me staying here," she said. "I really thought I was going to have to fight to get you to approve or I'd have to disappoint you."
Apparently, she had been doing that a lot, lately.
"Disappointed?" her father said, leaning over the table and furrowing his brows at her. Jisoo looked up at her dad with a sad expression, but the look on his face was serious. He held her gaze for a long tie before saying, slowly:
"Jisoo, I am so proud of you."
Jisoo swallowed a lump in her throat.
"You shouldn't be," she whispered.
"Why?" her father challenged.
If she were to answer that question truthfully—
"Because..." Jisoo said, her voice stuttering as she tried to hold her emotions back. "I mean, four years of college and being out here and I really don't have anything to show for it. Nothing's really changed about me. I don't think I've gotten any wiser or braver or stronger or smarter. I don't feel like I deserve..."
Your pride. That was what she was about to say, but her voice suddenly cut out, and a long, heavy silence followed. Her father sighed.
"Jisoo," he said. "Do you know how your mother and I met?"
"You were schoolmates in high school," Jisoo said. She'd heard the story before. Her parents' romantic love story was part of the reason she believed she was categorically obsessed with anything romantic. "You guys started dating and then you got married and you had me. Then Mama got sick."
That was always the one snag in her parents' love story. It was cut short by her mother's sudden illness and passing.
"Did you know she had already beaten it before she had you?" her father said. Jisoo furrowed her brows at him. She had already beaten it?
"No, I didn't hear that part," Jisoo said. "What happened, then? She relapsed?"
Her father took a deep breath and prepared himself, as he always did when he was going to talk about his dear departed wife.
"The doctors warned us that if she got pregnant, it might cause some complications," he said. "She knew, we both did, that if we wanted children, we had to risk the possibility that she could get sick again."
He recalled his wife's face, summoned back to his mind from the depths of his memory the image of her in her wedding dress. It took at his strength not to burst into tears there in the middle of the restaurant.
"We talked about it for so long, weighing the pros and cons," he told his daughter. "But in the end, there was no decision to be made, because our minds had been made from the beginning. We wanted you. She wanted you. I wanted you."
Her throat tightened as she choked back a sob.
"It must have been hard for you to lose her," Jisoo whispered.
"It was," her father said. "But not as hard as it would have been if I didn't have you. It wasn't an easy choice to make, but having you with me made it easier."
He reached across the table and put a hand over hers. Jisoo looked up at her father, who was staring at her very intently.
"I love you, Jisoo," he said. "I have since before you were born. I couldn't have given your mother up for anyone or anything else if not for you. Every hope I had, every dream I dreamed, I'd give it all up to have you and to give you a chance at life."
Jisoo felt one stubborn tear roll down her face.
"The only thing you've ever had to do to deserve my pride was be true to yourself."
It was obvious now what she had to do. Mama and Appa didn't raise a liar.
Her knuckles were white as ghosts as they held onto the edge of the cart. It was loaded with food for the big meeting with Mr. Jeon on the fourth floor. She was standing outside the door, listening through the cracks to Julie Kiyoko explaining to her editor-in-chief exactly what they wanted to do with the redesign of the journal.
Jisoo's heart was racing, but her breathing was even. She had expected a sense of calm to wash over her the minute she made her decision. But on the inside, she was still a mess of conflicting emotions and reactions.
This is it, she thought as she pushed the door open. Goodbye, dream.
Jisoo walked through the door and pushed the cart inside. She wasn't assigned to catering. Normally, this was the job of a secretary or a receptionist, but Jisoo wanted an excuse to be in the room so she volunteered for the job. Julie Kiyoko paused mid sentence and stared as Jisoo wheeled the catering cart into the room. Jisoo set it against the wall and started to straighten things out.
She didn't miss Julie's suspicious pause. No doubt the managing editor was wondering what she was dong there. Jisoo tried not to make it obvious that she was looking at the people in the room. Every seat at the conference table was filled by a man or a woman in a crisp business suit, all eyes on her nefarious managing editor.
And there, in the chair right behind her, was Mr. Jeon of Jeon & Sky Publishing himself. Editor-in-chief of every publication housed in this building. And Jisoo needed to speak to him before he finalized the redesign. Before Julie could put her plan into motion.
"Mr. Jeon?"
Julie paused, and everyone in the room turned to look at Jisoo. She cupped a hand over her mouth. She didn't realize she had said that out loud.
"Jisoo. We're in the middle of a very important meeting," said Julie, smiling. "Go back to your work station."
Jisoo was about to turn tail and do as she was told, but something snapped in her. She was going to let this psychopath tell her what to do anymore. Through the cracks, she felt her old fighting spirit coming back to her.
"I need to speak with Mr. Jeon," Jisoo said, more forcefully this time.
"My secretary is right outside," said Mr. Jeon, the silver-haired man in the sleek gray suit. "She'll take care of you. We're in a meeting right now."
Jisoo clenched her fists.
"I really need to talk to you."
"Jisoo, get out of here!" snapped Dara, who had her arms crossed in the seat between Mr. Jeon and another woman. "Do you not see us in an important meeting right now?"
"Dara, I need to talk to you, too."
"Jisoo," Julie said, taking a step forward and casting a frantic look at the editorial assistant. "We are in the middle of a meeting. Get out."
"Get out of here, new girl!"
Jisoo clenched her eyes shut and let the truth spill out of her.
"Dara, Julie's conspiring against you," she said through grit teeth. "She hates that you disagreed with her over the redesign and the new angle for the feature, she's trying to get you fired—
"Get out of this room this instant!" Julie snapped, crossing the conference room toward her.
"She made me copy down your draft because she wants to use it to frame you for plagiarism," Jisoo rambled on. Every eye in the room was on her now, including Mr. Jeon's. "I have the notebook here, and she's been making me invent evidence that you stole it from me—"
"Shut up!" said Kiyoko.
"She's trying to frame you for plagiarism and have you fired because you were blocking her ideas for the redesign and she's afraid you'll get her job—"
Jisoo was stopped when Julie Kiyoko, Embrace managing editor, struck her across the face with the back of her hand.
The entire room was stunned into quiet. Jisoo cupped her offended cheek with her palm and turned away, in case Julie came for her again. Then, Mr. Jeon stood from his chair.
"What the hell is going on here?" he said, raising his voice. When Jisoo looked over, even Dara looked scared. Mr. Jeon was red in the face, and Julie had a scowl so poisonous she could kill with one look. But it was nothing compared to the anger on the editor-in-chief's face.
"This meeting is over," he bellowed, then he pointed a finger at Julie Kiyoko, Sandara Park, and Kim Jisoo. "I want the three of you in my office. Now."
The three women each met with Mr. Jeon separately and then together. He heard their stories. Jisoo confessed everything. With every word out of her mouth, Jisoo felt a little bit of the darkness leaving her. In the end, she expected to feel relieved, light, better.
But when she exited Mr. Jeon's office, no longer employed by Embrace, Jisoo felt... practically nothing at all. Just numbness.
When Julie left Mr. Jeon's office, she was railing against anyone and everyone in sight, but when she saw Jisoo sitting in the lobby, a security guard needed to hold her back.
"You're a goddamned fucking idiot," she said to Jisoo while a security officer led her to the elevator. "You're fired, too, you know that? Yours and mine, our careers are done. Finished! You'll never work in editorial ever again!"
Jisoo felt nothing when Julie said those things to her. She already knew all that, anyway.
It wasn't until Jisoo was back at her work station collecting her things that she finally felt a stab of emotion. And that was until Jisoo happened to look over at Dara's office. Through the window, she could see her former direct supervisor crouched over her computer, typing something out on her keyboard.
Jisoo felt her throat tighten again. She adjusted the strap of her purse on her shoulder as she walked toward the open door of Dara's office.
"Dara?" Jisoo whispered, knocking lightly against the doorframe. Dara didn't look up from her work. Her expression remained the same scowl that she always wore. Jisoo swallowed.
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice shaking.
"I know that probably doesn't mean anything to you," Jisoo said. "What I did, or almost did was unforgivable. Even though we were never close or anything, I never wanted to hurt you."
Jisoo felt disgusted by how similar her apology sounded to Nawon's. It matched hers almost word-for-word. Still, she hoped her sincerity reached Dara. She really was sorry.
"In any case, I'm still sorry," Jisoo said, her voice breaking. "If there's ever anything I can do to make it up to you, please tell me."
Dara didn't say anything for a long time. But after a beat of silence, she whispered without looking up:
"Get out."