Sometimes I find myself encountered by my old self. Somewhere between cold nights, when the daily routine struggles are caught up with me, when I'm too exhausted. This is where she targets me. She talks to me, investigates me.
"How on earth did you end up in prison, because of a woman?" She asks.
In order to answer that, I look down at the beauty sleeping next to me.
"She's the reason."
My old self laughs at me. "Are you serious? You risked your future for living with a troubled woman?"
"Yes." I reply.
There is no other way. I realize then and there that I could do anything for her, I still would. Getting in trouble, getting in prison, being her sex cow. I don't care. She's my life.
And soon my wife. From the very first moment I saw her I knew this woman would be the death of me. I couldn't care less. It was never about being gay. I just love her for who she is. This is what I always answer my old self. Funny how it all caught me by suprise. As we were both getting caught. Gee, even when I hated her the most I loved being around her. And now we're both out, one year later.
Living happily ever after?
Well, not that close but also not so far away. Just trying to get on our feet again, with meanwhile simple jobs like waitress or hostess, sleeping under the roof of an okay 2 rooms apartment in New-York. I shouldn't complain though, compared to other ex-cons fellons we did get along pretty well. It is just a matter of time until we would find better jobs or options to ourselfes. I shouldn't complain at all, as long as I'm with her, I've got it all. I did ask her to marry me back in prison, but as you can tell things got in the way. We got into a little argument over it yesterday. I am so upset and exhausted with our new life routine, it's like: Waking up in the morning, running off to work, worrying about paying the bills just in time, talking to our family (at least my family and what was left from Alex's), hearing them obnoxiously telling us what we're doing wrong ect ect ect...
I think that having a stable job and good enough apartment one year after you had to build you life from the total beginning is doing just right. Nobody understands how difficult it is for us. We are so busy during the day, that we're just crashing to bed at nights with barely even talking to each other.
I'm suck tired of it.
And yesterday I made sure Alex knew it.
"What do you want Piper, I'm doing the best I fucking can!" She spat angrily.
"Do you remember we are about to get married? You said yes.." I said with a hurt soft tone.
"Don't do that."
"Do you not want to marry me anymore?"
"I said. Dont. Do. That."
"Do what?! I miss you Alex!I fucking miss you!"
I then fell on the bed, slowly breaking into tears. I covered myself with blanket and hid from her.
"Gee. Piper."
"What? Don't do that?" I scrcataclly stated and continued sobbing quitely. For a whole 5 minutes I wasn't sure what she was doing, she was silent, but I didn't care also. I was too focused on my pain.
Suddenly, I felt her get into the bed, she hugged me from behind and that's when I noticed she wasn't wearing any clothes. She then started to undress me which I allowed.
We weren't going to have sex, it's just our way to get through things, cuddle naked in our bed and talk. I turned to her and burried my face in her chest.
"We live in this crazy shit routine, wake up, work, go to sleep, night shifts, sleep again, work, wake up, and then I have to listen to my mom mumbeling how proud she is of me but then talks to my brother behind my back saying how stupid I am and how I can't even get my shit together..." I was talking so fast with my voice shaking with tears, I don't know if Alex understood anything. However, she did nothing but listening closely, while taking my nude body to her, hugging it softly.
"And you don't see me. Actually, we don't see each other anymore. And I'm scared, I'm scared we would lose ourselfes. I mean, when was the last time we had a full time conversation, let alone had sex? God damn Alex I miss you inside of me..shit. That's nasty.. I mean.." After all these years together and I'm still shy with the dirty talking. I would expect Alex to give me the playful smirk of hers like she uses to, well, used to, I haven't seen it lately. But no, she just kept listening.
"And I'm starting to think, what about our wedding? Like, I asked you that a year ago! I know it was in the middle of a prison riot but fuck me. I fucking love you. You are the woman of my life all I wanna do is call you my wife and maybe have some kids...no...I don't know if kids is what I want because then we would have to calculate everytime we wanna fuck.." Now I see that smirk of hers showing.
"And...and..and just fuck me!" I yelped in frustration. Mixed with sexual fristration, too. Alex rubbed my bare back as I sniffed beneath her.
"Pipes...damn." Was all she managed to say after a few quiet minutes. It wasn't embarrassing at all though, no matter what, I am always so comfortable with her.
"I'm sorry." She snapped.
I chuckled at that, and thought to comment sarcastically of how she had so much time to think of something smart to say but couldn't come up with it, I eventually let it go.
"I really am. Look at me." I did as she said.
"I feel just the same. Come here." I snuggled closer to her and she kissed my lips tenderly.
"You're right. Your mom is annoying." She said quickly. We both laughed at that.
"Don't talk about my mom like that you asshole.." I joked clinging onto her. I then felt her right hand leaving my back, sliding down, and two fingers entering my sensitive zone. As good as it felt, I couldn't do that right now.
"No. No Alex." I said pulling her hand out of me.
"What?" She tried to put it back inside.
"This doesn't fix anything." I pulled them out again. She gave up, now letting go of me, and laying on her back, looking at the celling. I did the same.
She signed. "I'm doing the best I fucking can..." I realized it was the same sentence she said awahile ago, when our fight got intense, now it sounded different, I found love in her tone, not anger.
"We both are."
"Okay listen to me now." She swiftly turned to look at me, new shade of hope in her eyes. It scares me sometimes how fastly her mood swings.
"We are getting married. And one day we may...have kids..." I found it cute so I laughed a little.
She continued. "We are living this insane lifestyle but isn't it our thing? Living the moment? I know it's not like traveling the world and we don't have such a great time trying to survive after prison but it is something. We knew it was never going to be easy Pipes, you could have just gotton back to Larry if you wanted your life settled again.."
"I would never." I marked.
"That's right. I know you wouldn't. Because you love me. We are going through a lot but when you get down to the very basic this is what we have. Love. So we can do anything baby." She paused a little. "Though right now I can sense some hate for you because you made me sound so fucking corny."
"Just embrace that romantic side I bring out you Al."
"Shut up." She pulled me into her, then layed ontop of me.
"Do you love me?" I asked innocently.
"I do, and you fucking know it. Damn narcissist." I grinned widely, that side of me is dominate, I try to maintain it though, for her, I know how much she doesn't like it.
She leaned in and kissed me softly, I broke into tears durin the kiss, but Alex knows me, how emotional I can get, so she let it go. She plant little wet kisses on my chest and shoulders making me moan a little, I've craved her touch so much durin that hell of a time, I don't understand why we stayed away from each other just in this crazy tiring time when we both need each other. Guess we were too tired to even make out.
"Hold me." I whispered and she immediately obeyed, tighting her grip on me and kissing my neck with more passion now.
It was just us now, the two of us, kissing, loving, setting free, letting all of our troubles disappear, locked in our peacful heaven.
"I love you." She snapped.
This is all I needed to hear in this very specific moment.
She was all I needed in the past few months.
She is me. I am her.
So how on earth did end in up in prison because of a woman?
This is the reason.
She is the reason.
Do you get it now,
Old self?