*Music suggestion: Back to December - Taylor Swift
I guess, the sun always brings us together.
We both freeze as we see each other. I have just wiped my tears a minute ago, but then tears fall down on my cheeks. Mina Unnie already cried as I can see from her eyes. She looking at me sobbingly. We're seeing each other's eyes while still crying. I then walk towards her, slowly. Mina Unnie doesn't move a bit. I now in front of her. Mina clenching her fist tight, she hit me with her fist. She hit me again, I don't even try to stop her. I deserve every hit. Until she stops, then I hug her. Hug her really tight. She resists at first, but then I force her to receive it. She just surrenders and I hugs her back as she cries loudly in my embrace. My tears also can't be stopped.
"I am sorry, Unnie" I say it in tears. Mina Unnie sobs really hard. I keep patting her back. Mina Unnie then stops her self, as she still sobs.
When I gave up and surrender my chance, there she is, standing in front of me. I didn't know what's gotten into me when I drove my car to the edge. I felt that I should really watch the sun setting down today, to close my so-called journey. And she's here. Out of any places in Wakkanai, she's here.
The sun is set. Soon a night comes. Mina Unnie releases herself from me. I take a deep breathe as I take her hands in my hands. I look at Mina Unnie's eyes.
"I can't afford on losing you. I love you, Unnie"
Mina Unnie then pushes her hands from me.
"You only said those words because you know that 's the only thing I want to hear right now. You don't mean that"
I laugh bitterly. I can't believe she said that after I chased her like crazy.
"Wha, what? I....I....I don't mean that?" I got a little mad cause it's not easy for me to say those words. She has no idea.
"Do you know what trouble that will cause me due to the fact that I am here now? Huh? The same trouble as yours" I should say it. She has to know, I left Korea while I still have a schedule for this past 3 days. JYPE would fire me.
"I took the fastest plane to Osaka when I knew that you were home. I am an idol but I slept at the Kansai Airport waited for the dawn, I visited your home, met your mom. Knowing that you weren't there I flew again to the first flight that I could catch to Sapporo, I took a train to Sapporo Station after. I rode another 6 hours train just to reached Wakkanai because there was no direct flight that day due to the storm. I am here! I knocked every hotel in Wakkanai, I visited all the tourist attractions here, I visited Cape Soya for the past 3 days cause my guts told me that you would be there. I drove like crazy hoping that I could see you, only you! I turned my life upside down, got into troubles just to be with you. How dare you said that I don't mean it when I say that I love you?" In her life, I never raise my tone when I speak, I always am the calm type. But not today.
"I love you so much it hurt, Mina Unnie. I am here because I don't know my life would be without you, I don't know my life would be when I couldn't see you first thing in the morning, and before I sleep, cause I have to see you every day. Even you always pulled a "push and pull" act towards me, that's okay for me as long as I could see you every day. Even I can't be your source of happiness, that is also okay as long as I could see you every day. I love you, and it's okay to love you that way. And it's hard loving you for the past 8 years, it's hard for me, Unnie. I always wanted to stop, I even try to open my heart again because I closed it just for you. I even have a boyfriend, but you can't get out of my mind. I can't look at you without feeling love" She needs to know everything.
There's no one there as the night come and greet. We are free to talk and shouts to each other since no one will never know as well what we've been talking about.
"So you want to play victim here, Chaengie? Do you have any idea to admit all my feeling to my self, that I am in love with you? I kept asking and asking God again, cause for me it's too irrational. I kept asking God to erase this feeling, to forget that I love you. Don't say that it is so hard for you to take it. Try to be me then. The person you love all this year all of sudden announced a relationship with a man. Do you have any idea how I wanted to not to give blessed when you asked me in Gangneung? Do you have any idea how it feels that our members always teased you in our group chat about you and Samuel? Don't say it that it is hard for you, cause it's even harder for me. I felt like a slut every day to wants you to be by my side when you already have a boyfriend. I felt evil everyday"
Mina say that while look at her eyes. She says it till she loses a breath.
"This past year I can't eat, I can't sleep, I drank in order to sleep cause you evaded my brain, I can't let you out of my mind," She say it again with tears.
"I love you so much Chaengie it hurt" She say it again with a soft voice now.
I take her body to me and hugs Mina Unnie tightly.
"Stop talking, why are we even arguing when we love each other then, huh?"
I caress her, I really love her.I take a look at her, I erase her tears with my thumb. She then takes my hand in her cheek. I come closer, real close. We are alone here. If there are people tho, I don't really care. I move my face to her, I tilt my head. It was a slow movement, I could hear that she calm and organize her breath, she closes her eyes, I close mine.
I kiss her. I don't care, I kiss her. I kiss her gently, I kiss her pain away. I kiss her because that's what I should be doing years ago, I kiss her slowly. She receives it, that's when I know that she also loves me. She opens her mouth bit by bit. She replying my kiss. I cup her face. I release my lips on her. My hearts beating so fast. Beating like crazy. I still close my eyes, our heads touch each other, I still embrace her in my arms. I need to remember this perfect moment in my mind. I can't forget about it. I open my eyes and look at her. She looks at me.
"You're in trouble, Chaengie"
"I know"
I close my eyes as I hug her again. I hold her hands.
We really need to get things out of our chest. And it's cold here, really cold, no wonder there are no people here. I take her to a cafe nearby. I don't want to lose her. She says nothing. She just follow my leade. We sit there, here at the cafe in Wakkanai, sitting by the window, snow still falling. I finally found her. I start the talking. I always silence, but not this time. I chased her even to this place. She has to know what I really felt towards me.
"I sometimes always think about my day to day life, Unnie. At how many years I could keep feeling like this. I wanted to erase it so bad since to me it was also odd, it was also irrational, it was...... I don't know I was never sure. I wasn't so sure when and why but I just wanted to be with you all the time since you came. I wanted to protect you, to be there when you needed me. To be the shoulder you cried on. I always wanted to see you. The first time I cried over this feeling is where you invited Nayeon Unnie and Jeongyeon Unnie to your house at Christmas eve. Yes, I didn't have the rights to be mad. But I cried alone, secretly at the park that night. I didn't know why but I couldn't just let it go. That's when I know that I love you. But it's one-sided. I couldn't live with it. You, on the other hand, keep pulling me and then pushing me. It made me so confused. Then there was Minjae Oppa in the picture, I really hate that time" I say to her while looking and staring at the window.
"Then there's also Samuel, the one that could help me ease my pain away at first. But during that with him, you keep appearing in my mind, in my dream. I can't ignore it no matter how much I try. But I should give and give another try to be with him. I could live in pretend. I am a great pretender. I always think of how many years I could live like this, being with someone but my heart isn't with this person. I can do this. All I could do is trying harder, but then I ask myself again. is it going to be really okay?" I take a deep breathe as I sip my coffee. This is the first coffee I could enjoy since weeks ago.
"When you wanted me to give you one reason to stay. I could say that I love you, immediately. But, saying that words could lead to two things. You dissed me, or you stayed. The thoughts of you dissing me always in my mind, so I better just shut. But when Jihyo Unnie said that you took clothes in your closet, my mind became disarray. I don't want to lose you, not like this. People said that you don't know what you have until you miss it. I am a fool, Unnie. I am so stupid. I don't want to be like that. Jihyo Unnie just said that your luggage was missing but my mind already told me that I'm going to lose you and I don't want to lose you, Unnie" I say it, gulping, I look into her eyes.
"I think about all the thing that I could think. I had the longest train ride ever in my life. I think a lot of things there. If I happen to meet you, I should do the right thing. Yes, I should say what I just said to you, that I love you. But you gotta know that my purpose here isn't for dragging you to Korea, back to us. I love you Unnie, and I want you to do whatever you love. If being with us is stuffy then please terminate the contract, you can't suffer more. Yes, I hate not seeing you every day, but seeing you hurt, it cuts me deeply too. I can't see you getting hurt because of your dreams. So, do whatever you want. I can't speak as Twice's behalf but I will do support you in any decision you make"
I look into her eyes, I could feel that my eyes are teary. I think about this since I arrived in Wakkanai. It would be selfish to drag her out, using that I love her as a weapon. I should respect her dreams too. If I really love her, then I should let her leave to chase that.
"I really love you, Chaengie. I do" Mian Unnie then cry in front of me and hold my hand on the table. "Thank you for saying those words"
I just can't stop looking at her. That night we fail to go home as well. There will be a flight to Osaka tomorrow morning at 12 pm. We would take that flight, then I will head back to Seoul. I will drop off her to Osaka first, so she won't run away again. I would make sure that. We both drive to my hotel since Mina Unni already checked her out. We felt awkward at first since we both just declared our love for each other just a while ago, then we have to share a bed. But I guess we are both too tired to even having the awkwardness between us. I wash first. It'been a long long day. I couldn't stop smiling as I showering. Earlier today, I was devastated, but now we both are under the same roof.
I come from the bathroom and found her already fall asleep in the bed. She really looked tired. I pull the blanket for her. I then dry my hair without the hair dryer, I don't want to wake her up. I then follow her to bed, I feel so sleepy. We got to catch a flight at 10 tomorrow. It's still 9 pm, it's rare that I could sleep at this hour. I set off my alarm. I turn off the lamp and jump to the bed, facing the wall, while she's facing the balcony. At least she's here. I can watch her sleep again. I yawn and put my self to the bed.
All of sudden she hug me from the back. I feel stiff at first but then I smile as I held her hands who circling in my waist.
"You haven't sleep?" I ask
"Hemm" She just gives me answer with humming. I turn my body to her and decide to keep her in my embrace. She then adjusts her head in my chest. We sleep like this. Holding each other in each other arms. I can never forget this moment.
I sleep like a baby. That was probably the best sleep ever the past 7 years. I could feel that my body loose a bit. I don't want to wake up yet. I want this to be last forever. I touch the space beside me. She should be here as well. What I just had yesterday wasn't a dream right? It's real for sure. The space beside me is empty, I open my eyes and get startled. No, she isn't there. I open my eyes. I see her sit on the sofa across the bed. She looks at me while sipping her tea.
I take a deep breath.
"Why?" She ask.
"I thought, I thought you're gone" I say it with a very relieve feeling. She smile and laugh a bit. She comes close to me.
"I am here" She looks into my eyes.
"Yes" I hold her hand. "What time is it?"
"8 am"
"Oh shit!"
"I turn off your alarm, you sleep like a baby. Go, take a shower. I already pack your things and have the hotel deliver your breakfast"
I smile to her, "You're the best"
I then jump to take my shower. I sleep for almost 10 hours then. What a good sleep. I never sleep like that. I always wake when my alarm went on. I sleep better with her then. I finish my shower. I see her with her tea at the balcony, it was cold she even wears her padding jacket just to be on the balcony.
I also go outside, I never got a chance to even go outside. I never open that windows even. I was too busy looking for her. I copy her style. Lean on the rail. It's a sea view. If only I knew it from the beginning.
"Seaview? I just knew"
"You never open this window the past 3 days?"
I shook my head, "I was busy doing other things"
She smiles at me, "Stupid"
I then use my hand to support my neck, I look at her while leaning on the balcony rail.
"How long you're going to stare at me like that?" She says while avoiding my eyes.
"As long as I could" I know that she's timid when I do that, she prevents her shyness by siping her tea over and over again.
She put the teacup at the small table beside her and she comes close to me, too close and take my lips. I am so shocked as I step back a bit but she pulls me. She guides me to stand properly as she still kisses me. I smile and open my mouth a bit. We kissed each other, she stroked my hair, cup my face, takes me for granted, tilting her head to left and right. I gulp to many times, my heart beating like crazy. She releases me and hen kiss me again, kisses me again as if she would do that forever. She cups my face as our foreheads touch each other.
"I always wanna do that" She says.
We both still close our eyes. Our breathing is disorganized.
She opens my eyes and looking into my eyes. She tidies up my hair back to its place. Touching every piece of my face.
"I love you, Son Chaeyoung" That's where my whole world seems to stop. Feels like struck by a lightning. That words.
It's my turn. I kiss her. I kiss her hungrily. I place both my hand support her back so she could go anywhere. I kiss her deeply. I like this second time better. Better than kissing her in tears and in pain yesterday. I really love this girl. I can't let this girl go again.
"I love you, Minari" Because I love her not as a Unnie. But as Myoui Mina. As I say that she shed a single tear. I erase it with my thumb. Then we hug each other.
We both then return our rental car back to the place, then take a taxi together to the airport. It's going to be 4 hours long on the plane. We still have time to talk then. We board to Osaka at 10 pm. I can't stop holding her hands, I don't want to let go of this hands.
"What will you do after arriving in Seoul?" She asks me while leaning on my shoulder and playing with my hands.
"Down on my knees to show how sorry I am to the entertainment. I bailed on 3 different schedules and went AWOL"
"I am sorry"
"It was worth of my time Unnie. I don't mind getting scold" I say it while holding her hands.
"YA! Don't do that. You said yourself that you are going to stay in this business for a long time" She hit me in the arm.
"Okay, okay"
"I need to explain everything to our member as well, Unnie" I add.
"Let me. Don't suffer your self. As for that matter, let me handle it, okay? Don't worry"
"Okay then"
"I owe him an explanation too" I shouldn't have said that, but I am saying it out loud. Hearing that statement she wanted to let my hands at the moment but I take it back.
"Yeah about that......Do you have the confidence that we will be happy until the end, Chaengie?" She hesitates, she's scared I know. She asks me with the unsure and sad tone. I am just silent while still rubbing her hand.
"If you don't have the slightest confidence, we can't hurt people then" She added again.
"There's nothing certain in this world, Unnie"
"He's a nice man, Chaengie" I know that Unnie, I know.
"I'll apologize to him. Even If I have to lose this life, I would apologize to him. Now that I understand how I feel, it would be also incorrect to make him stay"
I am sure about my feeling. I can't live without her, she can't live without me. I should go find my happiness then, I should follow it. She then hugs me and places her head on my chest. Yeah, I need to take care a lot of things when I am back.
I arrived in Osaka. I will continue through connecting flight to Seoul we will split up here. She takes me to the boarding gate then.
"Please don't turn off your phone. You can shut everybody out but me, please. I would fly here if I don't hear any news from you, I swear" I need to threaten her, cause I will do that if she can't be reached.
"Okay, okay" She laughs and smile.
"Call me when you're ready to go to Seoul. Jihyo Unnie and I will take care of things within the entertainment. And Unnie....." I take her hands.
"Whatever your decision is, I'll support you no matter what. I really want you to walk in a flowery path" I smile at her "I love you, really I love you"
I hug her. I hug her tight, I am afraid that I couldn't see her again.
"Tell Jihyo that she doesn't have to worry. I love you too, Chaengie"
We then exchange a gaze. I walk backward while still look at her. Wave her goodbye. I hope this isn't the last goodbye. I do promise that I will support her no matter what. Even when she choose Japan. Even when I couldn't see her again in the future. I really love her, I want something best for her.
Now, welcome back. Seoul.