*Note: the last part of Mina's POV
New year, there should be a new resolution. I woke up feeling lonely at January 1st. All my members were gone. I didn't know why but we got busy. I stayed at home as I still needed time to adjust since my left foot never touches the ground again from the past 3 months. But I can walk properly. I felt startled as Chaeng was entering my room. She was home. She asked me to ate with her. She was cooking New Year dishes. It was just the two of us, but she cooked for like 9 people. We ate graciously. She was there with me at New Year. She then suggested us to went out to Seokcheon Lake. It's been odd the last 2 years. We never relished snowfall on Christmas or New Year. Snows always came in early December and the end of January. The past 2 years was different. Chaeyoung then took me to Seokchon Lake. It was always pretty when the cherry-blossomed at Seokcheon, she bet that it also will pretty as well as the snowfall. It was the New year, she assured me that there will be no one there. I complied. Yes, she was right. All along Han River was all white. She drove carefully. It was all white. She must be so happy since Winter and snowfall are her favorite.
We sat by the Lake. We sat by the lake again since last Christmas. Christmas where I promised myself that I should get over her. I also promised myself that I will change this feeling at 2022, but the first thing that happened in this year was me strolled around with her in the beautiful winter. I know now why she really loves park. Just there, sitting towards the lake, gave you calm. She grabbed a coffee from a store nearby. She did remember what I really love. Caramel macchiato. We sipped our coffee. Hot coffee and winter. Perfect.
A perfect moment as well to told her my plan. Plan on leaving JYPE.
"Chaengie" I called her name, but my face was still facing the lake.
"Yes, Unnie" She turned her face to me.
"I am not going to renew my contract"
"Pardon?" She must be shocked at this.
"I am not going to renew my contract" I said again. I wasn't kidding. Somehow, I wanted her to pull me off. To said that she can't let me go. I wanted her to say that she couldn't leave without me. It was only my imagination.
"A theatre in Japan wants me to be their cast. JYPE seem to ignore my request to be a musical actress as they always stalling my chance. I am so fine with being understudy first, or even a dancer first, but JYPE wants me to always be the main star, while I want to learn first" I explained. She already knew about my dream to be a musical actress.
"How about your college?" This had to be the first response from her after I told her that I'll be leaving JYPE. Not only that, I'll leave Twice, I will leave you, Son Chaeyoung.
"I could transfer, or I could postpone my study, I will think about it"
"I will consult to JYPE first, then I will talk to Jihyo, please keep it to yourself first, and please don't tell Jeongyeonnie especially, okay Chaengie?" I added.
"Okay, Unnie. If it's for the best, I won't stop you from chasing the dreams"
She was letting me go, easily. I guess I was never ever in her heart, never. She was letting me go. She didn't even try to stop me. I was so sad. I still am. This was it. I should totally leave. Yes, I wanted to pursue my career. But she was the main reason that I reached to this decision. I can not see her again. It was too much. I can not see her without feeling love. I really wanted to avoid her since 2017, but I ended up and always ended up acting like this. I don't want this anymore. I need a way out.
I told Jihyo about my plan. She literally cried in front of me. Amongst us, Jihyo was the one who suffered the most. She had the longest period trainee. I know that she will keep us, forever even. She sacrificed too much, I never see Jihyo cried like she was that day. But she told me that she understands me, I made a perfect sense. Jihyo should know my decision. She's my friend, she deserved to know. Because she should be the one that delivers the news to the other members as well.
Not long after Jihyo knew about my decision. Chaeng asked me to meet her at the coffee shop near our apartment. My decision was unanimous. I should not be shaken.
We took a sip of our coffee in silence.
"Jihyo, already told you isn't she?" I started the conversation cause she seemed hesitated to initiate first.
"Hemm" she answered me with humming.
"And you're here to change my mind? Jihyo's order?" Yes, I was so cruel. I really to stopped any of this.
"You know that without you, Twice isn't twice right Unnie? We've been together for 7 years, through thick and thin. I still remember the first time you came here. As I saw you, I know that you will suit our team, you make it perfect. And we become the best team ever. We won so many awards together, Unnie. And I like our time. I just want you to think again about your decision, Unnie. Don't you like our team? Our time together is precious isn't it?"
Twice, our group, us, our members. She only thought about us as a whole. She never really thinks about me.
"With me having the thought of not renewing my contract is making me bad women, isn't it? Because all of you seems to want to stay together, while I want a way out" Jihyo told me that I couldn't tell others because Jihyo was scared about the major change.
"Unnie, trust me, whatever your decision is, we will support you. We started as kids who were trying to reach our dream together right? To debut, we totally get it if you want to pursue another dream. Women can have a bunch of dreams. But I am sure, we want you to stay too. We will become even greater this year"
We? How dare she even talked about this thing and included another 7 members. She didn't know that. Other members will hate me forever if I tell them. Supporting? Bullshit.
"Jihyo Unnie told me that she will take care you problems within our entertainment, she will beg the entertainment to let you do musical the way you want to do. You know her, she has this power"
"To be honest I never see Jihyo Unnie so worry in my life, she's kind of cool type, I never saw her helpless like that, she's so scared of losing you"
And then she was talking on Jihyo's behalf. What was with this kid?
"How about you then?" I should really know about her perspective as well, on me leaving the entertainment after almost 8 years.
"What about me?" She pretended to be stupid. YA SON CHAEYOUNG!
"Do you want me to stay?"
Please say it, that you want me to stay. That you can't live without me
"Of course, as I said I like our team Unnie"
Please say that you need me, say that you don't want to lose me.
"Give me one good reason Chaengie, a good one that makes me want to stay and have this all over again with you guys"
Please say that you care for me, that you like me, you love me, you don't want me gone.
"We need you the most, Unnie. We will conquer the world. We will chase our dream together. Without you, it's not perfect anymore"
You, I need your honest reason, please beg me to stay
"No, I want you to give me a reason to stay, not us, not Twice. You, Chaengie"
Say that Chaengie, say that you need me, say that you don't want me gone, say that you love me, then I will never turn my back again.
I really wanted her to say those words. Really. She was just there stared to my eyes, she can't even speak.
"You don't have a single reason for me to stay, huh?"
"I want you to be happy Unnie, that's all" You wanted me to be happy?
"Then let me go. That will make me happy" I was half crying saying that. I left her there, I stormed off. I cried while walking. I cried hard.
I stopped talking to Jihyo and Chaeyoung since that day. JYPE will be issuing the contract renewal of in March. I will not sign with them, I am sure now. I needed to clear my mind again. There was no one in the dorm that time. I packed my bag, I turned off my phone. I needed to be home. I didn't care about this anymore. I needed time. Before I hit the airport I stopped at someone's home. I rang the bell. He opened the door. I rushed to enter his living room.
"Bam, I need to fly home"
"Why, why? Something's happen?"
"No. Bam, listen to me" I held his hands. "I am not going to renew my contract, I am sure now"
"Why, why all of sudden, Mina please explain"
"My contract will expire this year. I just can't, it was too stuffy, I have no room to breath" I said it while crying.
"No, no you cant do this. Even so, you can run away like this. Did she, whoever is she, did she make you like this? Mina, you can't give this up for love. YA MINARI NO!"
"I really wanted to do it since years ago. Really, I tried so so hard, Bam. It's been 5 years since I declared that I wanted to ignore all of this, but I can't. I keep falling into the same hole. It hurt me deeply, Bam. You got to understand" I cried saying things like this.
"Minari......... Just tell her, she could probably have the same feeling as yours, we never know"
"We also never know that she might think that I am a crazy woman, right? What if she' doesn't feel the same then? I'll regret it, Bam. Let's not create a scenario in our head now, Bam. This is my reality, this is me creating a way out"
"Minari........."
"Don't say a word to anyone, okay? You are the only one who knows. I beg you, please. I need some time, I need to clear out my mind" By then, I let go of his hands. He can't still believe what I just told him.
"Minari" He called before I closed the door, I turned to him "Take care. Please don't do anything stupid"
I nod and closed his door. I hopped a plane to Osaka.
It's time to stop hanging on to someone who has no intentions of staying, who has no interest in being in my life or even being there for me in the slightest way. So, I'm done. You win. I'm done telling myself you must care about me when you clearly don't. I'm no longer trying to convince myself that maybe there are sparks around us.
I went home for a day, then I told Mom and Dad that I would be traveled to Wakkanai. They are the only two who knows that I wanted to visit that city since I was a little, especially in February.
Here I am, at the northernmost point of Japan. Looking at the sea. The sea that has no limitation. Reminiscing my youth day, the day I spent my time loving her. Only her. I could really spell out since the day I met her until the last time I saw her. Those memories are still on my mind, keep playing inside my head. I can't get it outside my mind, no matter how hard I try. Even when I am now in Wakkanai, the coldest place in Japan, my heart seems to be a lot colder. I even dreamt about you again last night.
I don't know why am I here actually. I am a very well planned person. I will stay here for 5 days perhaps, I don't really know too. I don't even know where to go, where to stay. Wakkanai only has a few attractions. Cape Soya, the northernmost point where maybe I would spend most of my time just staring here and Noshappu. It's a very quiet city. I don't really care tho, I just need a place to stay away from what happened. I need to be here. I need to enjoy this since I really wanted to be here since I was little. It was beautiful here. All I could see is snow everywhere. It does snow a lot in Hokaiddo. Snow, she really loves snow. Her again. Ah, please not her again.
A part of myself resent her so much, how can a human being make me suffer like this. But, I'm not saying this is your fault, no. It's mine. It's all my fault for stupidly trying to create something out of nothing. I wanted it so bad I kept trying to create something out of nothing.
I spend most of my time here just drinking, sleeping, watching the sea, breathing the winter air, Cape Soya, eating, strolling around Soya Hills, Cape Soya again, drinking sleeping. That's my cycle here. As I said I don't even know why I am here. I needed to clear out my mind, but as I try harder, my mind always screams her name again and again. I don't even want to visit the city center. Too pack for me, too many people.
Until I wake up feeling enough. Enough with this shits. Enough with this feeling. I always wanted to visit Wakkanai but I am here wasting my life. I checked myself out this morning, I should live a little by visiting the city. To the places where I wanted to go, then I will go home. That's it.
I take my rental car, visiting Onuma, watching the bird immigrations. Then, I visit the Fukko Market, spend almost 15.000 yen just to eat seafood, I don't care, I should live like this. There are no other fresh crabs other than Wakkanai's crab. I should pay more for this. Then I go to the famous Wakkanai park, while I am at it, I also visit Hokumen Shrine, a historical place. I drive again till the end of the road to watch my favorite animal, penguins at Shiritsu Aquarium. Then I'll go home, I will start new, start fresh, adjusting my new life. A life without her. This is the way I cope to my realities.