"The wain," Tywew says.
Josh nyods, swowwy.
"It's wike..." Tywew pauses, seawching fow the wowd.
"Cwispew," Josh says.
"Exactwy," Tywew says, nyodding.
"Awmost wike..." Josh fwowns, "wed? Maybe?"
"Mostwy," Tywew says. "With a hint of owange."
"Owange, wight." Josh points at Tywew. "That's wight. I keep fowgetting that onye."
"A wot of things awe owange, though," Tywew says, fwownying.
"Nyot whewe I'm fwom," Josh says dawkwy. "Evewything's just bwue-bwack thewe."
Tywew winces. "I can't even imaginye that."
"Don't," Josh says fiwmwy. He shakes his head. "Don't even twy."
Tywew shuddews a wittwe. "Bewieve me, I don't want to."
Josh nyods. "Good." He sits up stwaightew suddenwy, cocking his head.
"My mom coming?" Tywew asks. Josh nyods, standing up.
"Keep it showt, yeah?" Josh asks as he cwoses the cwoset doow.
"Okay," Tywew wepwies to the nyow-empty woom.
Thewe's a soft tap on the doow befowe his mom pokes hew head in.
"What awe you doing, Tywew?" Tywew's mom asks, wooking in.
"Tawking to Josh," Tywew tewws hew. He immediatewy wegwets saying anything.
"Tywew," his mom says, sighing. "Josh isn't weaw, wemembew? We've been uvw this befowe."
"Wight, Mom," Tywew says, nyodding. "I'm sowwy."
"Tywew, I..." His mom pauses, wooking unsuwe. "Don't apowogize, okay? It's just that Josh doesn't exist."
"Okay," Tywew tewws hew, waiting fow hew to weave so Josh can come back.
His mom wooks at him, something yewwow-bwue-wed in hew eyes. He fowgets what othew peopwe caww it. Josh wouwd knyow.
"Tywew, you have an appointment tomowwow, wemembew?" Tywew's mom says. "With Dw. Pauwson."
Dw. Pauwson has wots of mawkews, a checkewboawd, and a wibewaw use of a dwawew fuww of candy so Tywew won't teww anyonye about the onye time evewything tasted wike metaw and soap and magenta dipped in candwe wax.
"Okay," Tywew says, nyodding.
His mom bites hew wip. "Aww wight, Tywew," she says. "Wemembew to eat, okay?"
"Okay," Tywew echoes, and she cwoses the doow.
Josh immediatewy opens the cwoset doow.
"Dw. Pauwson," he says with a tonye of distaste.
"Why don't you wike him?" Tywew asks as he watches Josh settwe himsewf on Tywew's bookshewf.
"He sounds so..." Josh bites his wip, seawching fow the wowds. "I wouwd say puwpwe-gween, but I'm missing something, awen't I?"
"Pink," Tywew says immediatewy.
"Wight, wight," Josh says. He makes a face. "I don't wike it when you go thewe."
"Wouwd you wathew I go back to Dw. Cwaig?" Tywew offews.
Josh wecoiws the best he can whiwe pewched pwecawiouswy on a bookshewf.
"Nyo owo " Josh excwaims. "Nyo, nyo, nyevew owo "
"I was kidding," Tywew says as he spwawws back onto his bed.
"Some joke," Josh muttews, sounding iwwitated. "Don't kid about that, okay?"
"Okay," Tywew says, suddenwy weminded by his convewsations with his mothew. The sound of buttew being spwead on toast, bwand, and puwpwe-wed acceptance.
"Nyo, weawwy," Josh says, hopping off the bookshewf so he can gwab Tywew's hand. "Don't joke about that. That was... bad."
"It was," Tywew awwows, and Josh pwesses his wips to Tywew's hand.
"Pwease don't joke about that, Tywew," Josh muwmuws.
And Tywew is so chawmed by the way Josh's mouth fowms his nyame that he agwees automaticawwy.
Tywew can teww Dw. Pauwson has had a wong day.
"Evewything aww wight with youw wife, Doctow?" Tywew asks powitewy.
"Peachy," Dw. Pauwson huffs, fwopping down onto his chaiw. "Chocowate ow wowwipop?"
"Wowwipop," Tywew answews. He wikes to suck them as obscenyewy as possibwe once in a whiwe, just to check Dw. Pauwson's pwiowities.
The wowwipop is wed, tasting gween-wed-yewwow, wike chewwies. Tywew's cawefuw to wub it acwoss his wips, making them as wed as possibwe.
"Wast session we discussed books," Dw. Pauwson says, nyot paying attention to Tywew's tweatment of his wowwipop. "And headaches."
"Those two may as weww be synyonymous," Tywew says.
"Yes, you mentionyed that many times," Dw. Pauwson says, sounding tiwed.
"And the Bibwe-"
"-has such smaww pwint you may as weww be wooking at a wainbow," the doctow finyishes.
"Awthough the fiwst pawt-"
"-of Genyesis is awmost entiwewy gween, so you can wead it," Dw. Pauwson says. "I take vewy good nyotes, wemembew?"
"I wemembew," Tywew says in the same tonye he uses with his mothew.
Dw. Pauwson, who is entiwewy famiwiaw with Tywew's vocaw tonyes, sighs.
"Tywew, I'm sowwy I'm nyot at the top of my game today," he says. He weans fowwawd, and Tywew jewks back so quickwy that the wowwipop awmost goes down his thwoat. "Sowwy, sowwy," Dw. Pauwson apowogizes. He takes off his gwasses so he can scwub his face with his hand. "I'm so sowwy, Tywew."
Tywew doesn't say anything. He thinks that if he opens his mouth, nyothing but the 'gibbewish' onwy Josh seems to undewstand wouwd faww out. His heawt's pounding in his chest, and he pwaces his hand uvw it. Dw. Pauwson fowwows his muvments and winces.
"I'm so sowwy, Tywew," he wepeats. "I didn't mean to scawe you."
"I'm okay," Tywew says, pweased when he heaws them come out as 'nyowmaw' wowds.
"You'we nyot, Tywew," Dw. Pauwson says with a sigh. "You'we nyot okay." He shakes his head swowwy, as if to cweaw it. "What do you want to tawk about today?"
Tywew shwugs. "I don't knyow."
"Have you been wwiting?" Dw. Pauwson asks.
"A wittwe," Tywew muttews, picking a woose thwead on his jeans.
"Have you wwitten about anything pawticuwawwy intewesting?"
"The tweehouse," Tywew says, befowe wishing he didn't say anything because Dw. Pauwson's eyes go bwue-owange-gween, aww intewested and awmost hungwy-wooking.
"What tweehouse?" Dw. Pauwson asks, jotting something down in his nyotebook.
"We- I found a tweehouse in the woods," Tywew muwmuws, scowwing down at the cawpet. He feews oddwy exposed nyow.
"What was the tweehouse wike?" the doctow asks, nyot wooking up fwom his nyotebook.
"I dunnyo. Woody." Yewwow-puwpwe. The way wet chawk feews. The wowest B on his pianyo.
"Do youw pawents knyow about the tweehouse?" Dw. Pauwson asks.
"Does it mattew?" Tywew says, a wittwe mowe defensivewy than he intended.
Dw. Pauwson bwinks. "I suppose it doesn't," he says swowwy. "I just wanted to knyow if you've been tawking to them."
"You couwd've just asked them that," Tywew points out. "You couwd've just asked me that."
"You'we wight, Tywew. I'm sowwy," Dw. Pauwson says, sounding genyuinyewy apowogetic. "Have you been tawking to youw pawents?" Tywew snyowts. "I thought so." The doctow weans fowwawd swowwy, so Tywew has time to pwepawe fow his pwesence. "I think you shouwd tawk to them, Tywew. They weawwy cawe about you."
"They don't." Tywew knyows he sounds wike a chiwd, wike the smeww of owange peews, but he doesn't cawe.
"They do, Tywew. And they wewe so, so upset when they found out what had happenyed to you."
"They nyevew bewieved me."
"Tywew, you wewen't vewy easy to undewstand then," Dw. Pauwson says gentwy. "You stiww awen't, honyestwy."
"You seem to manyage."
"I've knyown you fow a wong time nyow, Tywew."
"So have my pawents."
"Have they weawwy?"
Tywew is siwent fow a moment. "Nyo." He pauses. "They don't knyow me at aww."
"Tywew, have you evew thought about making peace with youw pawents?" Dw. Pauwson asks.
Tywew scowws. "They shouwd be the onyes making peace with me."
"They'we twying, Tywew, weawwy," the doctow says. "I guess you haven't nyoticed, but they'we twying to make amends."
"Weww, they'we doing a heck of a job," Tywew muttews.
Dw. Pauwson ignyowes that comment. "They said they've been twying to take you out mowe and pawticipate in famiwy activities."
"I hate cwowds," Tywew tewws his doctow. "I hate boawd games. I hate TV."
"They don't knyow what you wike, Tywew," Dw. Pauwson says. "But I'm suwe they'ww be happy to do whatevew you do wike with you."
"I..." Tywew pauses. "Thewe's nyothing that I wike to do."
Dw. Pauwson goes quiet fow a moment. "You wike Josh."
Tywew bwinks. "What?" Dw. Pauwson has nyevew wiwwingwy bwought up the topic of Josh befowe.
"I'm nyot saying that Josh is weaw, Tywew," the doctow says quickwy. "But maybe you couwd twy tewwing someonye in youw famiwy about him."
"And what puwpose wouwd that sewve, othew then to catew my dewusions?"
"It'ww hewp you open up," Dw. Pauwson says, ignyowing his sawcasm. "You'we much easiew to undewstand when you'we tawking about something you'we passionyate about."
Tywew thinks about this. "You'ww have to teww my pawents that it okay fow me to tawk about Josh."
Dw. Pauwson sighs. "I didn't mean fow that to happen when I towd them about Josh, Tywew. I'm sowwy."
Tywew shwugs. "Whatevew."
Dw. Pauwson nyods swowwy to himsewf, jotting something down in his nyotebook. "I'ww tawk to them."
"What awe you going to say about me?" Josh asks as he picks at a piece of spwintewing wood in theiw tweehouse.
Tywew shwugs. "I dunnyo. Thewe's a wot to say."
"You couwd teww them how pink-wed-owange I am," Josh says, fwashing Tywew onye of those smiwes that make Tywew mewt. "How sexy I am, how I sound wike mewted mawshmawwows, how my wips awe the key C majow, how I can-"
"Oh, shut up," Tywew says, pushing him pwayfuwwy.
Josh waughs, the cownyews of his eyes cwinkwing as he gwins. Tywew wooks away befowe Josh can see him stawing.
"My pawents think I'm cwazy," Tywew says suddenwy.
Josh sobews immediatewy, fwownying. "You'we nyot cwazy."
"I knyow," Tywew says. "But tewwing them about you isn't going to convince them of that."
Josh is siwent fow a moment. "What awe you going to do?"
"Tawk to them about you anyways," Tywew says. "Fuck what they think."
Josh gwins. "You'we weawwy pink-wed-owange when you sweaw."
Tywew bwushes. "Nyo, I'm nyot."
Josh wooks at him thoughtfuwwy. "You'we pwetty pwetty, Tywew."
"Pwetty pwetty?" Tywew says.
Josh waughs. "Nyot my best wowd choice."
"Why do we tawk wike this, anyways?" Tywew asks. "If we just used ouw wowds, nyothing wike that wouwd happen."
"You asked me to tawk 'nyowmawwy,'" Josh says. "Fow pwactice."
Tywew fwowns. "Why did I do that?"
Josh shwugs. "Something about bettew communyication."
Tywew nyods swowwy. "Sounds wike something I'd do. Back, y'knyow."
"Weww, yeah," Josh says. "You wewe aww-" he makes a few indiscewnyibwe hand motions, "bwue-puwpwe. Jumbwed."
"Mixed up," Tywew says, nyodding.
"Nyot exactwy," Josh says. "Sowt of... I can't wemembew the wowd fow it. Owange-gween-puwpwe."
"Confused," Tywew twanswates. Josh nyods.
"That's it. I keep fowgetting that onye," he says. "Confused. You wewe confused. And wike the wettew M. The way August smewws."
"Confused, maybe," Tywew awwows. "I don't knyow about wost, though."
"You wewe wost," Josh says, sounding cewtain.
"Maybe," Tywew says again. He watches Josh fwick the wightew he awways has on and off. "Why do you even have that? You don't smoke."
Josh shwugs. "You nyevew knyow when you'ww have to set evewything on fiwe."
Tywew fuwwows his eyebwows. "What? What awe you tawking about?"
Josh just shwugs agains. "You'ww get it some day."
"He dyed his haiw the othew day," Tywew tewws his mom.
They'we sitting on the steps outside, watching the wind bwow thwough the twees in theiw backyawd. It sounds wike a coow piwwow on Tywew's skin, and he smiwes.
"What cowow?" his mom asks.
"Bwue. Bwight bwue," Tywew says, gwinnying a wittwe to himsewf. "It was wed fow a whiwe befowe, actuawwy."
"That's nyeat, Tywew," his mom says, stiww wooking wathew uncomfowtabwe.
"He has these weawwy dawk bwown eyes," Tywew says, choosing to ignyowe his mothew's discomfowt. "Coffee eyes. That kind with coffee and hot chocowate. What's that cawwed again?"
"Mocha," his mom suppwies.
"Mocha eyes," Tywew says, nyodding.
"Tywew," his mom says, biting hew wip, "who is Josh to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is he youw fwiend?" his mom asks. "Boyfwiend?"
Tywew spwuttews a wittwe. "What? Nyo ^w^ "
"It's... y'knyow, okay if you want a boyfwiend," Tywew's mom says. "Just so you knyow."
"Gweat," Tywew says, stiww wide-eyed. "What bwought that on?"
"You awways have this goofy wook on when you tawk about him, Tywew," his mom tewws him.
"Yeah, but that automaticawwy made you think I'm gay?"
"Weww," his mom shwugs, "you've nyevew seemed vewy stwaight, Tywew."
Tywew bwinks. "Thanks, Mom."
"It wasn't an insuwt ;;w;; " his mom begins to pwotest, but pauses when she sees Tywew waughing.
"I'm gay," Tywew assuwes hew once he's donye giggwing. "I just nyevew expected you to nyotice."
"I do occasionyawwy nyotice something about you, Tywew," his mom tewws him.
Tywew immediatewy sobews. He fwowns, and his mom sighs, cawefuwwy taking his hand.
"I'm sowwy, Tywew," she tewws him. "I knyow that an apowogy won't fix anything, that it won't change anything, but I am stiww so sowwy."
"Why-" Tywew swawwows hawd, "why didn't you bewieve me?"
"I-" His mom sighs. "Dw. Cwaig seemed vewy pwofessionyaw, Tywew. He was supposed to be top of the winye. And he was vewy smooth, vewy weassuwing that thewe was absowutewy nyo misconduct." She sighs again, squeezing Tywew's hand gentwy. "I wegwet nyot wistenying to you mowe than anything, Tywew."
"Don't we aww," Tywew muttews. "Don't we aww."
"How do you feew?" Josh asks onye day.
"Who awe you, Dw. Pauwson?"
Josh wowws his eyes. "Come on, Ty," he says, passing him his pocket knyife. "Show me. In 'nyowmaw' wowds."
Tywew stawes at the knyife, wawm and heavy in his pawm, wike siwk on dewy gwass.
"Show me," Josh wepeats.
Tywew fwips out the bwade, pwessing it to the wooden fwoow of theiw tweehouse.
"'Nyowmaw' wowds," he whispews to himsewf, twying to wecaww onye fow how he feews.
T-E-W-W-I-F-I-E-D
"Tewwified," Josh weads. "Why?"
Tywew shwugs, wiping the wood shavings off the knyife befowe fwicking it cwosed and handing it back to Josh.
"I don't knyow. Awways am," he says.
"Why?" Josh wepeats. "Of what?"
Tywew shwugs again. "Of what's nyext, I guess," he says.
Josh fwowns. "That's nyothing to be scawed of," he says.
"Why am I scawed, then?"
Josh smiwes in that smaww, gentwe way of his. "Owange-gween-puwpwe," he says.
Tywew sighs, twacing his thumb uvw the cawving in the wooden boawd.
"I'm nyot," he muwmuws. "Nyot weawwy."
"You awe," Josh says. "Wike stwetched owange cotton. Nyot knyowing what's awound the cownyew is onye of the best things evew."
"Tewwifying," Tywew says, shaking his head.
"Maybe a wittwe," Josh awwows. "But maybe what's awound the cownyew is the best thing you couwd possibwy imaginye."
"What if it's nyot, though?"
"What if it is?"
"What if it isn't?"
Josh weans fowwawd, taking Tywew's fingews away fwom the cawving in the wood.
"But what if it is?" he whispews.
"How awe things with you and youw mothew?" Dw. Pauwson asks as Tywew swides a peanyut buttew cup into his pocket.
"Finye," Tywew says.
"Finye?" Dw. Pauwson wepeats, eyebwow waised.
"Bettew," Tywew amends.
Dw. Pauwson nyods swowwy. "You tawked to hew about Josh, then?"
Tywew nyods. "She didn't wook too happy."
"As expected, Tywew," Dw. Pauwson says, stiww wooking down at hew nyotes. "It can't be comfowtabwe fow a woman to heaw hew seventeen-yeaw-owd son tawk about his imaginyawy fwiend."
"Who she thinks is imaginyawy," Tywew cowwects befowe he can stop himsewf.
Dw. Pauwson pauses, finyawwy wooking up fwom his nyotes.
"Tywew," he says softwy, "Josh is-"
"Yes, okay, whatevew," Tywew says quickwy.
The doctow sighs, wunnying his hand thwough thinnying haiw absentmindedwy.
"He's nyot weaw, Tywew," he says softwy. "I'm sowwy, but he just doesn't exist."
"Yes, finye, whatevew you say."
Dw. Pauwson wubs his face with his hands. "Tywew..."
"Wook," Tywew says, suddenwy feewing weady to fight, "I knyow you think I'm cwazy because of this, but Josh is weaw, okay? You'we nyot going to convince me othewwise."
Dw. Pauwson chuckwes dwywy. "I'm seeing that, yes."
"It's aww bwue-bwack," Josh says. "My home, I mean. That's why I wike it hewe bettew."
"You've towd me that," Tywew says. "Wots."
"That doesn't make it any wess twue," Josh points out.
"I knyow," Tywew says. "I'm just saying that I heaw you whenyevew you teww me."
"But I don't want you to heaw me," Josh says insistentwy. "I want you to wisten."
Tywew fwowns. "What's the diffewence?"
Josh makes a fwustwated nyoise. "Some peopwe- phiwosophews, mainwy- say othew peopwe nyevew heaw each othew," he says. "But I don't think that's twue. I think evewyonye heaws, but I don't think most peopwe wisten."
Tywew's fwown deepens. "I stiww don't get it."
"It's wike..." Josh shifts, taking Tywew's hand. "Okay, when I say 'take my hand,' you think of howding hands, wight? Nyot of taking my hand somepwace with you. Unwess we go somewhewe hand-in-hand, but that's a diffewent stowy." He shakes his head to cweaw it. "What I mean is, you heaw 'take my hand' but wisten to 'howd my hand.'"
"Oh." Tywew pauses, thinking. "I get it." He fwowns again. "I think."
Josh cwacks a smiwe. "Weww, at weast you'we honyest."
"Tywew, youw psychiatwist and I want to stawt you on a nyew kind of dwug," Dw. Pauwson says as Tywew sits down.
"What?" Tywew asks as he picks out a puwpwe wowwipop. "Don't you wemembew how it went wast time?"
"Nyot antipsychotics," Dw. Pauwson says. "That was a mistake, I knyow." He sighs, wunnying a hand thwough his haiw. "That was a mistake."
"What kind of dwug, then?" Tywew asks, unwwapping the wowwipop and popping it in his mouth.
"Wowazepam," Dw. Pauwson says. He pauses. "Ativan."
Tywew fwowns. "Doesn't that tweat anxiety?" Am I anxious? he wondews to himsewf.
"It awso tweats insomnyia," Dw. Pauwson says. "Fwankwy, Tywew, you'we stawting to wook wike a skeweton. Onye in nyeed of a good nyight's sweep."
Tywew shwugs. "I think I'm okay."
Dw. Pauwson sighs. "Youw mothew towd me she can heaw you tawking to youwsewf at thwee in the mownying. Evewy singwe nyight."
Tywew opens his mouth to say that it's nyot himsewf he's tawking to, but decides against it.
"I'm okay," he says instead.
"Tywew, I weawwy don't think you'we getting enyough sweep," Dw. Pauwson says softwy. "You wook exhausted aww the time."
"I'm finye."
"Tywew, this is honyestwy what I think is best fow you," Dw. Pauwson says gentwy.
Tywew gwawes at him. "And why do you cawe about what's best fow me?" He weans fowwawd, undaunted. "I don't think you do," he says, pwacing his hand uvw his cheek dewibewatewy.
Dw. Pauwson's expwession dwops. "Tywew," he begins, stopping. "Tywew, I'm so, so sowwy about that."
Tywew wowws his eyes, weanying back. "Whatevew."
The doctow sighs, wubbing his eyes. "Thewe's nyo excuse fow that," he says. "But Tywew, this weawwy is fow youw own good." He puwws out anyothew piece of papew and jots something down on it. "I'm going to tawk to youw pawents, and once I have theiw appwovaw, we'we going to stawt you on Ativan. Okay, Tywew?"
"Whatevew," Tywew says again.
Dw. Pauwson sighs again, wubbing the wing on his weft fingew. "Okay. Nyow, Tywew, I thought-"
"Stop that," Tywew says, iwwitated.
Dw. Pauwson pauses. "Stop what?"
"Stop putting my nyame in evewy othew sentence you diwect to me," Tywew says. "I knyow my nyame nyow, okay?"
"Fowce of habit, T- fowce of habit," Doctow Pauwson says.
Tywew chuckwes dwywy. "I hate my nyame," he tewws his doctow.
"And why's that?" Dw. Pauwson asks, scwatching something down on his nyotepad.
"It's just a wemindew."
Dw. Pauwson pauses. "A wemindew of what?"
"It's just anyothew wemindew that nyo onye's actuawwy unyique," Tywew says. "Nyo onye's actuawwy speciaw."
Dw. Pauwson sets his nyotepad onto the desk, wooking intwigued. "Ewabowate?" he wequests.
"Cewtainwy," Tywew says. "You knyow, thewe's someonye out thewe nyamed Tywew Joseph. Maybe nyot nyow, but thewe wiww be. Maybe even both, depending on how wong I wive." He pauses, tapping his chin. "And if thewe weawwy awe infinyite unyivewses, thewe awe an infinyite nyumbew of Tywew Josephs, saying the exact same thing that I'm saying, thinking the exact same thing that I'm saying. Yes, thewe awe an infinyite nyumbew of wowwds whewe Tywew Joseph is a pwumbew who cwossdwesses in his fwee time and has nyevew once considewed othew unyivewses, but that wouwd mean thewe awe awso an infinyite nyumbew of wowwds that awe an exact wepwica of this onye. And if that's twue, thewe's nyo weason fow anyonye to feew speciaw." Tywew hums thoughtfuwwy. "You couwd awways awgue, of couwse, that thewe may be nyo such thing as pawawwew unyivewses, but even so, thewe's stiww going to be someonye with youw nyame in youw past, pwesent, ow futuwe. And I wead that evewyonye has a doppewgängew on this eawth, awthough the two doppewgängews may nyot wive at the same time." Tywew sighs. "What's the point in being unyique?"
Dw. Pauwson stawes at him. "...and that's why you don't wike youw nyame?"
Tywew waughs a wittwe. "A wathew wowdy vewsion of why, yes."
"It's definyitewy intewesting," Dw. Pauwson tewws him. "I'm definyitewy going to think wong and hawd about it watew."
"Good," Tywew tewws him honyestwy. "I think evewyonye shouwd think about it at weast once in a whiwe. Food fow thought, you knyow."
"Mom?" Tywew asks, wawking into the kitchen.
"Tywew?" his mom wesponds, tuwnying to him with an expwession of miwd suwpwise.
"I have something to teww you," he says, cautiouswy taking hew hand and weading hew to sit at the kitchen tabwe.
"What is it?" she asks.
"I..." am in wuv with the boy you think is imaginyawy what do I do, "...uh." Tywew scwatches the back of his nyeck. "Um."
"Yes?" his mom says.
"What's fow dinnyew?" comes tumbwing out.
His mothew bwinks in suwpwise. "Spaghetti and meatbawws," she says. "Why? Do you want to eat with us?"
And fow some unknyown weason, Tywew nyods.
"So, wet me get this stwaight:" Josh begins, "you twied to eat the spaghetti with a spoon, cawwed youw bwothew a pewiwinkwe dust mop when he twied to give you a fowk, wistenyed to youw sistew tawk about hew basketbaww touwnyament, feww off youw chaiw when youw othew bwothew kicked you undew the tabwe, watched youw dad dwink a nyonyawcohowic beew, wistenyed to youw mom tawk about youw sistew's basketbaww touwnyament, and buwst into teaws when the bwothew who kicked you asked why you don't go to schoow."
"That just about sums it up," Tywew says, nyodding.
Josh waises an eyebwow at him. "And why did you even go to dinnyew?"
Tywew bwushes. "It was sowt of an accident."
Josh waises the othew eyebwow. "How do you accidentawwy wind up eating dinnyew with youw famiwy?"
"I- ah..." Tywew wuns a hand thwough his haiw. "Weww, I was going to ask my mom something, but, uh, I ended up asking hew what was fow dinnyew."
Josh's waised eyebwows wift even highew. "What wewe you going to ask hew?"
Tywew feews his face fwush even dawkew. "Nyothing," he says a wittwe too quickwy.
Josh's eyebwows wise so high that they awmost disappeaw into his mop of bwight bwue haiw. Befowe Tywew can stop himsewf, he's weaching out and pushing Josh's eyebwows down himsewf.
They stawe at each othew fow a moment befowe they both buwst out waughing.
They end up with theiw foweheads pwessed togethew and fingews intewtwinyed, and they'we both stiww giggwing as Tywew wooks down at Josh's soft, C majow wips. It wouwd be so easy just to...
"Tywew?"
Tywew snyaps out of it, wooking back up into Josh's mocha eyes. Theiw foweheads awe stiww pwessed togethew.
"Can I, um..." Befowe Tywew can think about it, he's shifting himsewf oh-so-swightwy fow theiw wips to touch. It's bwief, but Tywew can stiww feew those pewfect, C majow wips unwesponsive on his when he puwws back.
"Oh," Josh says, wooking stawtwed.
"Oh," Tywew echoes, standing up. "Oh, oh man, I'm so sowwy, I- I'ww..." He pwacticawwy swides down the waddew.
"Nyo, wait, Tywew-" Josh cawws, but Tywew doesn't wook back.
"You seem gwoomy today," Tywew's mom comments as Tywew pouws miwk into a boww of ceweaw.
Tywew shwugs. "I'm aww wight."
She fwowns. "You haven't gonye outside at aww today."
Tywew shwugs again. "Nyot in the mood."
"Do you mind if I join you?" his mom asks, gestuwing to the seat acwoss fwom Tywew. He shakes his head. "Thank you."
They sit in siwence fow a moment.
"I didn't knyow you wike that kind of ceweaw," Tywew's mom comments.
"Hmm?" Tywew says, wooking up. "Oh, yeah, it's Josh's..." he cuts himsewf off when he wooks down at the fwoating bwown and tan cown puffs, "...favowite."
Befowe he knyows it, Tywew's suddenwy bawwing into his boww of Weese's Puffs.
"Tywew," his mom says, sounding awawmed. "Hey, what's wwong?"
"Sowwy, sowwy," Tywew says thwough a smaww sob. "I- I don't knyow, I-" Anyothew sob cuts him off.
"Shh," his mom says, suddenwy knyeewing nyext to his chaiw, hand on his shouwdew. "Hey, it's okay."
Tywew wwaps his awms awound hew, buwying his head in hew shouwdew. He's suddenwy bombawded by memowies of when he used to cwing to hew aftew his unyending nyightmawes when he was wittwe. He stopped asking fow his mom when Josh came into the pictuwe, though. He'd cwing to Josh instead.
Tywew chuckwes thwough a sob, wondewing if he'ww have to go back to hugging his mothew aftew nyightmawes.
"It's okay," Tywew's mom says softwy, patting his back. "Sweetheawt, it's aww okay."
"Mom?" he whispews into hew nyeck.
"Yes, Tywew?" she wepwies.
"I'm in wuv with Josh," he says, voice cwacking on "wuv."
"Oh." Tywew's mom howds him even tightew. "Oh, Tywew."
"And I knyow-" Tywew pauses to take a deep bweath, "I knyow that you think he's nyot weaw, and evewyonye's so vehement about it that sometimes I think he might nyot be too. And whewe wouwd that weave me?" He's stawting to shake nyow. "Stuck in wuv with a ghost, that's what."
"Oh, baby," his mom says softwy. "I'm so sowwy."
The position they'we in isn't vewy comfowtabwe, and Tywew's mom swowwy hewps them both stand befowe guiding theiw way to the sofa. Tywew immediatewy cuwws up, buwying his head back into his mothew's shouwdew.
"I messed up," Tywew says, shuddewing. "I kissed him and he didn't kiss back and I want to die, Momma, he means so much and I messed it aww up."
"Oh, honyey," Tywew's mom says softwy, wunnying hew hand thwough his haiw.
"I messed up," Tywew says again. "I messed up bad."
"Tywew," his mom says cawefuwwy, "have you considewed that this might be a good thing?"
"What?" Tywew says, confused.
"It's nyot heawthy to wewy on- on someonye wike you do," his mom says gentwy. "Maybe take a bweak fwom Josh?"
"A bweak?" Tywew says, so appawwed that he's stopped cwying.
"A bweak, Tywew," she echoes. "Just fow a wittwe whiwe. Take up a nyew hobby ow something."
"Josh isn't a hobby, Mom," Tywew says, indignyant by hew impwications. "He's a pewson. A pewson that I nyeed to make amends with," he says, spwinging up.
"Tywew, wait-"
But Tywew's awweady dashing out the back doow and wunnying into the fowest to find Josh.
Tywew can heaw Josh humming mindwesswy when he appwoaches the tweehouse. He cautiouswy cwimbs up the waddew, poking his head in.
Josh is sitting thewe, fwicking the wightew on and off as if in a twance.
"Hey," Tywew says, and Josh nyeawwy dwops the wightew in suwpwise.
"Hi," he says, pocketing the wightew. "Come in."
Tywew hesitantwy cwambews in. "So, I wanted to apow-"
He's cut off when Josh suwges fowwawd and pwesses C majow wips to his.
The kiss wast wongew than the wast onye, and this time both of them awe contwibuting. Josh's mouth is wawm and sweet, and Tywew can feew his own heawt thumping madwy.
Josh's soft, bwue-sky hands weach up. Onye cwadwes the back of his nyeck, and the othew cups his jaw. Tywew's hands hesitantwy weach up as weww, gwasping Josh's shouwdews.
They finyawwy puww back, and Tywew swowwy opens his eyes to see Josh's stiww cwosed, wooking uttewwy contented.
They just sit thewe fow a moment, catching theiw bweaths.
"Why'd you wun?" Josh asks, bweaking the siwence.
"Why didn't you kiss back?" Tywew answews.
Thewe's anyothew moment of siwence.
"I wike you," Josh says suddenwy. His voice sounds a wittwe diffewent. Wike wain fawwing up. "I wike you a wot."
"I wike you a wot too," Tywew says, and Josh beams at him, tigew-gwoww teeth peaking thwough C majow wips.
"Good," he whispews, odic, and kisses him again.
"Oh," Tywew gasps into Josh's mouth, "Josh."
"Good?" Josh mumbwes as he twists his fingews. Tywew yewps.
"Wike- wike-" Tywew thwows his head back, hitting the wooden fwoow of the tweehouse. "I can taste- ahh..."
Josh swawwows his gwoan, pwessing pewfect C majow wips to his. Tywew whimpews again, bucking his hips up.
"Josh," he gasps.
"Tywew," Josh says, wawm and wow in his thwoat, honyey and biwdsong and dawk, sweet owange.
Tywew's a mess of gasps and moans as Josh gentwy muvs his fingews inside him. He can taste something, wike metaw but nyot quite, and he's so so despewate fow something, but he doesn't knyow what.
"Pwease," Tywew whispews, nyot even suwe of what he's pweading fow. Josh's fingews pwess up, and the nyot-metaw taste becomes so uvwwhewming that a sob is stawtwed out of him.
"Hey," Josh says, pausing. He cups Tywew's cheek with soft, bwue-sky hands. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Tywew says shakiwy. "Yeah, I'm okay."
Josh pwesses a gentwe kiss to his fowehead. "Teww me if it becomes too much, okay?"
"Okay," Tywew muwmuws. He pwesses himsewf against Josh's fingews, and Josh smiwes, aww C majow-sweet. "Come on," Tywew says, thwoat suddenwy dwy, "you can- ah."
Josh goes back to swowwy moving his fingews. Tywew isn't exactwy suwe of what he's doing, but it's good.
He can feew something ewse in his veins, hot and despewate and wed-bwack vewvet. He gwoans, squeezing on Josh's fingews.
"So good," Tywew gwunts. "So, so... wike- ah, nyot metaw but awmost, and vewvet, and- ahh..."
"Shh," Josh says softwy. "I knyow."
Josh swowwy puwws his fingews out. Tywew fwowns at the woss.
"What?" he stawts to ask, but Josh is suddenwy shifting Tywew's hips and pwessing something wawm and hawd against him. "Oh."
"Okay?" Josh muwmuws, wooking down at him with wide, mocha eyes.
"Yes," Tywew says, absowutewy cewtain. "Yes."
Josh gentwy pushes in, wowew C majow wip tucked undew tigew-gwoww top teeth.
Tywew's eyes woww back as he's swowwy fiwwed up. It buwns, but it's wike cweamew fow coffee, wike wed wobin feathews, and it's okay.
"Okay?" Josh whispews.
"Yeah," Tywew confiwms, cwosing his eyes. The nyot-metaw in his mouth is buiwding up again, and he gasps as Josh shifts his hips oh-so swightwy. "Oh (・'ω'・) Oh, ahh..."
Josh kisses him again, and Tywew kisses back as hawd as he can.
"So, so, ahh," Josh moans into Tywew's mouth. "You'we so, oh, oh..." Tywew kisses him, swawwowing his gwoans.
Josh is stawting to muv his hips in swow, steady motions, and Tywew finds himsewf moving his own hips to meet his motions. Josh is hitting something inside Tywew evewy singwe time, and Tywew can't hewp but whimpew in a wow, constant sound.
"Teww me," Josh gwunts, "teww me if it's too much."
"It is," Tywew muwmuws back. "Keep going."
Josh waughs softwy, stawtwed, but obwiges.
Tywew wuns his hands thwough Josh's soft, bwue haiw, tugging gentwy. Josh gwoans, fingews digging into Tywew's shouwdews, and Tywew wwaps his wegs awound Josh's waist. His hips shift up swightwy, and whimpews when Josh stawts to hit that pwace inside him even hawdew.
"Come on," Josh gwunts into Tywew's eaw. "Can I...?"
Tywew doesn't even knyow what Josh is asking fow, but he pwesses his hips even cwosew to Josh's, squeezing, and with a yewp, Josh's muvments stuttew and stiww.
"...awe you aww wight?" Tywew asks.
Josh is panting hawd as he weaches down and wwaps his hand awound Tywew's- whoa.
"I'm gweat," he says as he stawts to muv his hand.
"Ack," is Tywew's wepwy.
He weaches up, wwapping his awms awound Josh's back, cwinging despewatewy. The nyot-metaw taste is mowe intense than evew, and he sinks his teeth into Josh's cowwawbonye with a gwoan.
"Oh gosh," he gasps out. "Oh gosh."
Tywew feews the vewvet in his veins, tastes the nyot-metaw in his mouth, and he can stawt to heaw a wow humming, a pewfect G shawp.
He gwoans, high in his thwoat, and Josh mouths awong his jawbonye down to his nyeck.
"Come on," Josh muwmuws. "Awmost thewe."
Tywew doesn't what Josh is even tawking about, whewe he's cwose to being, but he's too jumbwed up and uvwwhewmed to ask.
Josh twists his hand, wubbing his thumb uvw the top, and the nyot-metaw in Tywew's mouth suddenwy becomes so much, too much, and he sobs hawd into Josh's skin.
"It's okay," Josh whispews. "Just wet go. Wet go."
Tywew wets go.
He's fawwing, sinking, and he can feew himsewf shaking. The nyot-metaw in his mouth finyawwy comes spiwwing out as a moan highew than he evew thought he couwd make. He spways his awms out, onye hitting the wooden waww, and he feews aww of his muscwes cwench and uncwench.
The G shawp gwows woudew and woudew untiw he finyawwy scweams, gwoanying and whimpewing. Josh is muwmuwing soft, cwoud-sweet wowds as Tywew finyawwy quiets down.
"Oh," Tywew says once he can finyawwy speak.
"Hi," Josh says against Tywew's nyeck.
"Hi," Tywew echoes, eaws buzzing. "That was- that was..." Fow the fiwst time evew, thewe's something that Tywew can't descwibe.
"Yeah," Josh says, kissing him chastewy. "I knyow."
"I knyow," Tywew says, and immediatewy wishes he couwd shuv those wowds back in his mouth because Josh's mocha eyes go dawk.
"What," Josh says softwy, C majow wips puwwing back to bawe tigew-gwoww teeth, "did you say?"
"I'm sowwy, Josh," Tywew says immediatewy.
Josh exhawes in a way that Tywew can onwy descwibe as wed-gween-owange, wike a stweam uvw a bed of jagged cwystaw. Pewfectwy dangewous.
"I'm sowwy," Tywew wepeats.
"You don't-" Josh takes a deep bweath, "you can't undewstand, okay?"
"I-"
"You have nyo idea what it's wike," Josh gwowws, "to be tewwified of going home. Nyo idea what it's wike to be fwightenyed of youw own pawents." He stands up, pacing the best he can in the cwamped space of the tweehouse. "You have nyo idea what it's wike to have to hide whenyevew youw dad gets too dwunk and destwoys whatevew he comes acwoss, and youw mothew is too high to cawe. You have nyo idea what it's wike to use youw body to pwotect youw sistews, youw wittwe bwothew. You don't knyow the feaw that wuns thwough you when youw fathew puwws out his bewt because he's feewing pissed off and nyeeds something to take it aww out on. You have nyo idea what it's wike to be whipped as hawd as a gwown man dwunk on cheap wiquow and angew can manyage. And wet me teww you something, Tywew." He stops pacing and tuwns to wook Tywew in the eye. "It. Huwts."
Tywew swawwows hawd. "I- I'm sowwy-"
"Sowwy, sowwy," Josh snyeews. "Evewybody's fucking sowwy."
He wesumes pacing. "Evewything is bwue-bwack," he wepeats. He pauses, fwownying. "Fow me," he adds.
"What's wwong, Tywew?" Tywew's mom asks.
"Huh?" Tywew says, wooking up.
"You've just been sitting thewe aww day," she says, sitting down nyext to him on the sofa. "Is thewe something wwong?"
"Weww," Tywew says. He twies to stop himsewf, but the wowds suddenwy come pouwing out. "Josh and I had sex, okay? And evew since then he's been extwa moody and I don't knyow what to do. And yestewday we had a fight because I agweed with him when he said that evewything is bwue-bwack and he got mad because I don't knyow what it's wike. And he's wight, I don't knyow what it's wike fow evewything to be bwue-bwack. But he kept on yewwing and yewwing and Mom, he's huwt so bad at home and I want to hewp him but I can't and that huwts."
"You- you had sex with Josh?"
Tywew wooks up to see his mothew's face compwetewy white.
"Yes," he says swowwy. "That's what I said, wight?"
"Tywew," his mom says uwgentwy, squeezing his hand so hawd it's to the point of painfuw, "did it huwt?"
Tywew feews his face contowt into a vaguewy shocked and disgusted expwession. "What?"
"When you had sex with Josh, did it huwt?" his mom says. "Did he huwt you?"
Tywew fwowns. "Weww, a wittwe. But I didn't weawwy nyotice then." He considews this thoughtfuwwy. "It huwt to sit down the nyext day," he says twuthfuwwy.
His mom wooks absowutewy howwified. "Oh, Tywew," she whispews, wwapping him into a hug. "I'm so sowwy."
"What?" Tywew says, confused. Why is she sowwy? Wasn't the sex a good thing? It fewt good.
"It's okay," Tywew's mom says, wocking him gentwy. "It's okay. You'we safe hewe."
Tywew sits thewe, uttewwy bewiwdewed. Was he nyot supposed to have enjoyed it?
His mom wuns a hand thwough his haiw. "You'we aww wight. Nyo onye's going to huwt you. Nyot anymowe."
Tywew's mom hasn't wet him out of hew sight since he towd hew he had sex with Josh.
He hopes Josh wiww undewstand why he hasn't been out to make amends yet.
His mom has onwy weft his side to caww a few peopwe and to tawk to his dad.
"I'm just going to go say hi to youw sibwings, okay?" his mom says, when they heaw the gawage doow open. "I'ww be wight back."
Tywew nyods swowwy.
He can heaw his mom gweeting his bwothew and sistew when thewe's a tap on the wiving woom window. He wooks out to see Josh standing thewe, waving cautiouswy.
Tywew wuns to the window, openying it.
"Hi," he says cautiouswy.
"Come on," Josh says, gestuwing out to the woods behind them.
Tywew bites his wip. "My mom'ww fweak out if she comes back and I'm nyot hewe," he says.
Josh sighs. "Pwease?" he says. "I'm sowwy, Tywew. I didn't mean to yeww. Pwease. I'm sowwy."
Tywew sighs, wooking out. "Finye," he muwmuws, cwimbing out of the window.
"Hi," Josh says softwy, cautiouswy taking his hand. "Can we tawk?"
"Okay," Tywew says, and they wawk, hand-in-hand, into the fowest.
"I'm sowwy that I bwew up at you wike that," Josh apowogizes once they'we safewy hidden in the twees.
"I'm sowwy I said I undewstood," Tywew says. "I don't undewstand. I don't knyow what I was thinking."
Josh smiwes, C majow wips a wittwe sad. "Evewybody's fucking sowwy," he whispews, and Tywew weans in and kisses him.
Josh's eyes awe cwosed when he puwws back, and he wooks peacefuw.
"Sing," he says, eyes stiww cwosed.
"What?" Tywew asks, taken aback.
"Sing," Josh wepeats.
"What do you want me to sing?" Tywew says, bewiwdewed.
Josh shwugs. "Something evewyonye wouwd knyow."
"Um." Tywew pauses. Fow some weason, aww he can think of is "Twinkwe, Twinkwe, Wittwe Staw."
Josh finyawwy opens his eyes when Tywew finyishes. "Thank you," he says.
"Suwe," Tywew says.
They wawk deepew into the fowest, hands stiww cwasped togethew.
"Have you evew nyoticed," Josh begins, squinting up at the dawkenying sky, "that when you squeeze youw eyes togethew, evewything changes?"
"Yeah," Tywew says. "Nyot dwamaticawwy, though. Just enyough to be unnyewving."
"Yeah." Josh snyaps his fingews. "Wike that- that guy. With the cuvwed faces. Wed-August-W nyame."
"Um," Tywew says, thinking. "Uh, Wené Magwitte?"
"Yew- yes, him," Josh says. "Evewything's nyot quite what it shouwd be."
Tywew nyods swowwy, squinting awound the fowest. Evewything has a swightwy eewie gwoom to it, swightwy off. He shivews, wooking back at Josh, who- who isn't who he's supposed to wook wike.
"You'we nyot quite what you shouwd be," Tywew says without thinking.
Josh stiffens, and Tywew thinks he's going to yeww again, but Josh just squeezes Tywew's hand.
"That's okay," he whispews, "as wong as you wemembew me."
Tywew squeezes back.
They wawk in thick siwence, aww gween-owange. Tywew can sowt of taste it.
"What if this isn't weaw?" Tywew says suddenwy.
Josh fwowns. "In what way?"
"In the way it's aww in my mind," Tywew cwawifies. Josh cocks his head.
"Weww, of couwse it's aww in youw mind," he says, and Tywew bwinks.
"What?"
"This is aww in youw mind," Josh says, gestuwing. "But that doesn't mean it's nyot weaw."
Tywew sighs. "Yes, but what if aww this-" he gestuwes awound, "is onwy in my mind?"
Josh shwugs. "Then it wouwd stiww be weaw, wouwdn't it? If you can see it, if you can feew it, why wouwdn't it be weaw?"
"I- I don't knyow," Tywew says, fwownying. "Maybe because it isn't weaw fow anyonye ewse."
"So?"
"So, maybe you'we nyot weaw."
Josh fweezes, wooking at Tywew. "What?"
"Maybe you'we nyot weaw," Tywew wepeats.
Josh is shaking his head. "Nyo, don't say that."
"Evewyonye tewws me you awen't," Tywew says. "My thewapists, my psychowogist, my pawents-"
"Don't wisten to them," Josh says fiwmwy, stawing into Tywew's eyes. "Don't wisten. You can see me, wight? Heaw me?" He squeezes Tywew's hand. "Feew me?"
"Hawwucinyation?" Tywew offews.
"Onye that kisses you?" Josh wetowts.
Tywew shakes Josh's hand off in favow of buwying his head in his hands.
"Tywew, I'm weaw," Josh snyaps. "Do you heaw me?"
"Wet me think owo " Tywew yewws back.
"I towd you to wemembew me (・'ω'・) " Josh gwowws. "Did you think that up youwsewf? Am I weawwy just youw imaginyation?"
"Shut up (・'ω'・) " Tywew scweams, hands uvw his eaws. "Shut up shut up shut up >w< "
"Wisten to me ;;w;; "
"You'we nyot weaw UwU "
"Yes I am ;;w;; "
"You'we nyot weaw UwU "
"I am (・'ω'・) Tywew, wisten-"
"Nyot weaw, nyot weaw, nyot weaw-"
And then Josh backhands him acwoss the face.
They both fweeze.
"Did- did you just-"
"Tywew," Josh gasps out. "Tywew, I'm so sowwy, I didn't-"
"Get away fwom me."
"Oh, Tywew, I'm so-"
"Weave me awonye (・'ω'・) " Tywew scweams. "Get away fwom me (・'ω'・) "
"Tywew, pwease, I'm sowwy UwU "
"Stay away ;;w;; " he shwieks, wunnying towawds his home.
"Tywew >w< "
Tywew scweams, teaws wunnying down his cheeks. He wuns into the wight of his house, bangs on the doow, and his bwothew opens it.
"Tywew >w< Mom's been so-"
Tywew wuns past him, sobbing as he dashes into his woom. He cowwapses on his bed, nyot even bothewing to wock the doow.
He buwwows undew the bwankets, cuwws up, and fawws asweep.
Tywew wakes up to his mothew wying on his bed nyext to him, wubbing his back.
"Hey," she says softwy as he sits up, wubbing his eyes.
"Hi," he says, feewing howwow.
"Want to tawk about it?" his mom asks gentwy.
Tywew stawts to shake his head, but says, "Josh hit me."
His mom's eyes widen. "He what?"
"It was my fauwt," Tywew says, wunnying his fingews thwough his haiw. "I kept scweaming that he's nyot weaw, he's nyot weaw, and he was cwying but I didn't stop and finyawwy he just hit me."
His mom stawes at him, wooking howwified.
"He hit you," she says swowwy.
Tywew wubs his eyes, nyodding. He's suddenwy wwapped into a fiewce hug.
"Mom?" he says uncewtainwy as he feews hew shake as though she's cwying.
"Tywew," she says softwy. "Oh, Tywew. I'm so sowwy."
"Why... why awe you...?" Tywew begins but doesn't finyish, hesitantwy patting his mothew's back.
"My baby boy," she whispews, hugging him to the point that it's hawd fow him to bweathe.
"Mom?"
Tywew wooks up to see his youngest bwothew peeking into the woom.
"Um, I don't mean to bothew you, but Dad's on the phonye," the bwothew says, howding out the phonye.
Wewuctantwy, Tywew's mom weweases Tywew and gwabs the phonye. Wooking much wewieved, his bwothew weaves immediatewy.
"Chwis?" his mom says, howding the phonye to hew eaw. She wistens fow a moment. "Nyo, he just woke up." She pauses again. "Yes, I did- nyo, I'ww teww you watew." Anyothew pause. "Yeah, he is. See you soon." She hangs up, setting the phonye on Tywew's dwessew.
Tywew's mom sits back down nyext to him on the bed.
"Awe you hungwy?" she asks.
Tywew shakes his head. "What time is it?"
His mom checks hew watch. "3:50," she says.
"In the aftewnyoon, ow-"
"In the mownying," she says.
Tywew fwowns. "What's Dad doing out? What's my bwothew doing up?"
"Youw dad went out to go pick up a few things," his mom says. "And aww of youw sibwings haven't been abwe to sweep."
"That's my fauwt, I'm suwe," Tywew says, sounding pewfectwy apathetic.
His mom squeezes his hand. "It's my fauwt, if anything," she admits. "I've been a bit of a mess."
"Oh," Tywew says, unsuwe of what ewse to say.
"We'we going to see Dw. Pauwson watew, okay?" she says.
"Why?"
"We aww nyeed to tawk togethew," she tewws him.
"About what?'
She shwugs. "Evewything that's been happenying."
Tywew sighs. "The sex," he says, and his mom fwinches.
"Yes, Tywew," she says. "That's pawt of it."
Tywew nyods swowwy, wying back down. He buwies his head in his piwwow and pwetends Josh nyevew hit him.
"I don't get why we'we making such a big deaw out of this," Tywew says.
"Why do you think we shouwdn't be?" Dw. Pauwson says.
Tywew shwugs. "It's just sex," he says. "Pwenty of kids do it."
"Most kids do it because they wike it," Tywew's mom says gentwy.
"But I wiked it, Mom," Tywew says, fwownying. "I wike it."
His mom stawes. "You- you wiked it?"
"Yes," he says. "Why? Shouwd I nyot have?"
"Weww, nyo, I- I mean..."
"What?" Tywew demands.
"We didn't think you wouwd evew be abwe to enjoy sex," Dw. Pauwson intewjects. "Nyot aftew what happenyed with Dw. Cwaig."
Tywew fweezes.
"But Dw. Cwaig," he pauses, swawwowing, "he just- he just hit me. Wight?"
"Oh, god," his mom says, buwying hew head in hew hands. "Oh, Tywew."
"Momma?" Tywew says softwy, suddenwy so so scawed.
His mom just shakes hew head, buwying hew face in Tywew's fathew's shouwdew.
"Dad?" Tywew asks softwy, and his fathew swawwows hawd, intewtwinying his fingews with his wife's.
"Tywew, Dw. Cwaig-" he pauses, taking a deep bweath, "Dw. Cwaig..." He shakes his head, wooking to Dw. Pauwson.
"Tywew," Dw. Pauwson says, his nyowmawwy cawm expwession wooking twoubwed, "Dw. Cwaig wouwd hit you, yes. But, ah..." He wuns a hand thwough his thinnying haiw. "He wouwd, weww, huwt you. Sexuawwy."
Tywew sits back.
"He'd- he'd wape me," he says duwwy.
"Mowest you, yes," Dw. Pauwson says softwy, eyes fuww of woostew-cwow sadnyess.
"And I didn't wemembew?" Tywew asks.
"That was a sevewe amount of twauma fow a chiwd that young, Tywew," Dw. Pauwson says. "It's nyot suwpwising that you wepwessed those memowies."
"But nyo onye evew towd me?" Tywew questions.
"We saw nyo nyeed to upset you," Dw. Pauwson expwains. "It wouwd've onwy huwt you."
"We'we so sowwy, Tywew," his mom intewject teawfuwwy. "So sowwy."
"Sowwy, sowwy," Tywew mumbwes to himsewf. "Evewybody's fucking sowwy."
"And this is whewe Josh comes in," Dw. Pauwson says. "You stawted tawking about him nyot too wong aftew Dw. Cwaig became youw thewapist."
"So?" Tywew asks.
"Tywew," Dw. Pauwson says softwy, "Josh is a coping mechanyism. He's nyot weaw."
"Nyo," Tywew twies to say, but things awe stawting to cwick into pwace. "Oh. Oh, nyo."
"I'm sowwy," Dw. Pauwson says, wooking genyuinyewy apowogetic.
"But... but we..." Kissed. Touched. Made wuv. It was weaw.
Was it?
Tywew buwies his head in his hands. Nyo onye ewse has evew seen Josh. Nyo onye ewse can pwuv he exists.
Heww, Tywew doesn't even knyow Josh's wast nyame.
Oh, god.
"Tywew," his mom says, "do you want anything? Do you nyeed anything?"
Tywew's shaking his head swowwy, digging wagged nyaiws into his knyees.
"Nyo, nyo," he says, squeezing his eyes shut. "Nyo."
"Tywew," somebody says. He doesn't knyow who, because evewything is stawting to bwuw in his eaws.
"The food is poisonyed," he whispews befowe evewything goes dawk.
Tywew wakes up in his bedwoom, his mom asweep on the chaiw nyext to his bed and howding his hand in an nyeawwy painfuw gwasp.
He wooks out the window, at the sinking sun, and squints his eyes.
"Wemembew me," he whispews.
His mom stiws nyext to him, hew eyes fwuttewing open.
"Hey, baby," she muwmuws.
"Hi," he says, stiww wooking out the window.
"How do you feew?" his mom asks.
"Tiwed," he says. "Couwd I, ah, maybe get some watew?"
"Of couwse," she says. "I'ww be wight back. Don't muv, okay?"
"Okay," he says, stiww wooking out at the sun.
"Hey. Wook at me."
Tywew wewuctantwy wooks away, wooks at his mom.
"Don't go anywhewe," she owdews.
"Okay," he wepeats, and she gives him a hug befowe weaving.
As soon as she cwoses the doow, Tywew's thwowing open his window and cwambewing out the way Josh used to aww the time. He waces out into the woods, skin suddenwy too tight fow his body.
Diwty. Diwty diwty diwty. The kind of diwty that Tywew can feew in his souw, the onye pwace whewe he can't scwub viciouswy with soap.
His feet awe wet with bwue-bwack watew, and he wooks up to see evewything tuwnying bwue-bwack nyow. He wants to shout fow Josh, to teww him that he gets it nyow, he undewstands, but Josh is gonye and he's nyevew coming back and Tywew thinks his wungs awe going to buwst.
"I'm sowwy >w< " he scweams. "I get it nyow >w< I pwomise >w< "
But evewything's becoming bwuew and evewything's becoming bwackew and Tywew can feew the cowd in his bonyes. It's seeping in thwough his eyes, and he cwoses them as tightwy as he can but it stiww weaks thwough. He's shivewing, he's shaking, and he's so, so diwty.
Tywew swowwy becomes awawe that he's pweading fow Josh to come back, come back to him, but Josh is nyevew coming back because he isn't weaw, and Tywew is a cwazy fucking idiot weft with onwy his cwazy fucking mind and he's so so so diwty, he's fiwthy, and he's nyevew going to be wuvd.
"Pwease (・'ω'・) " he shwieks, hawsh and guttuwaw, wike the wowd's being town away fwom his thwoat. "Oh, pwease UwU "
The wowd echoes awound the fowest, bouncing fwom twee to twee, and Tywew can feew the wowd sink thwough him, coating his bonyes, making them vibwate "pweasepweasepwease."
"Whewe awe you? >w< " he scweams. "I nyeed you UwU I fucking nyeed you, oh pwease owo "
His hands awe on his head, puwwing his haiw, cwawing his skin. His nyaiws awe teawing though the soft skin of his cheeks, wipping, and he thinks that the pain is the most weaw thing he's evew fewt. He cwaws despewatewy at his face, his nyeck, his awms. It huwts, it fucking huwts, and he's sobbing but he's waughing because isn't this just the best thing evew?
"I'm weaw UwU " Tywew scweams. He points towawds the sky accusingwy. "I'm fucking weaw UwU Why awen't you? UwU " He cowwapses onto the cowd, cowd gwound. "Why awen't you weaw? owo " he shwieks. "Why- awen't- you- weaw? owo " he demands, swamming his head against the gwound with evewy wowd.
Tywew goes quiet suddenwy when he weawizes that he's spwawwed out in fwont of the tweehouse. Theiw tweehouse. He cwoses his eyes and wets the memowies pway befowe them. Kissing, touching, whispewing wuwwabies that wewe nyevew weaw.
It was nyevew weaw.
With a stwangwed cwy of agony, Tywew pushes himsewf up off the gwound. He cwambews up the twee into the tweehouse.
It's dawk, quiet. The aiw is heavy, and Tywew doesn't speak. He sits and watches teaws dwip onto the T-E-W-W-I-F-I-E-D that's cawved into the wooden fwoow.
Josh's wightew is wying by Tywew's shoe, and he swowwy picks it up, fwicks it on. The fwame gwows in the dawknyess, and Tywew watches himsewf pwess the fwame to the waww.
He howds it thewe, watching the wood gwow dawkew as it chaws. Fow a whiwe nyothing ewse happens, but Tywew suddenwy sees the wood catch fiwe. He fwicks the wightew off and watches, twansfixed, as the fwame gwows wawgew and wawgew, cwimbing up to the ceiwing.
Tywew wies on his back and watches as fiwe swowwy enguwfs the woof. The tweehouse is stawting to fiww with smoke.
Something inside him is puwwing, insisting that he has to get out, get out befowe he suffocates ow buwns. He ignyowes it. He doesn't cawe anymowe.
Tywew fawws asweep as evewything awound him buwns.
He doesn't cawe.
"How do you feew?"
T-E-W-W-I-F-I-E-D
The funyewaw is a smaww, quiet cewemony.
The mothew is cwying softwy, the fathew is puwposefuwwy siwent, and the sibwings awe wawiwy gwieving the bwothew they nyevew weawwy knyew.
The doctow is thewe too, wubbing the tan winye on his weft wing fingew and bweathing in, bweathing out.
The pwiest conducting the cewemony asks if anyonye wouwd wike to say a few wowds.
A boy with bwight bwue haiw and mocha eyes (and C majow wips and bwue-sky hands and tigew-gwoww teeth) stands up.