*Note: Mina's POV, still.
We grew apart after that night in Gangneung. I rarely saw her, I never asked for her as well, but our group chats told me anything. I did live my life, she did hers. We did our Twice's life as well. Though what fans saw were just an act, scripted, we did what our agency told us to do. Chaeng never showed off her relationship, she, of course, can't do that to her Unnies. But our members always teased her in our group chat. I can't just ignore that chat, everytime Jihyo or Jeongyeon teased her, it gave me scars. I missed her. I missed our deep conversation. I missed our times at the park nearby. I mised when we just strolled around somewhere, walked in the silent. I missed seeing her back as she walk towards me.
That was why I asked her to had a drink with me on my birthday. I invited only her, cause I wanted to talk to her. Talked about everything. She was my best listener. I waited for her from 7 pm. I arrived at senior Seoulong's bar. I waited till 8 pm, I then ordered a drink. Where was she? Ah shit, I didn't even tell her the time. Stupid. I dialed her number. But then, I ended it before even made missed call. I did that again and again. I kept order drinks. She didn't come yet. I guess she forgot about my birthday. She took a revenge then, I missed her birthday party last year. Yeah. Why did I even bother to talk to her then? She already got a boyfriend, why was I doing out there. Why was I throw myself into other problems then? Then I forgot the rest till I knew that I woke up like a crap. My head spun. Guess I took too many bottles. Shit.
I walked to the kitchen and found Chaeng there, I then took a sit there, continuously touched my head, cause it felt like exploding. Chaeng was startled to see me. She then served me the soup and a herbal drink, she did know about me hangover then? Did I make a scene yesterday? I thanked her, she sat in front of me.
"Unnie, I'm sorry that I came late yesterday" SHE CAME? WHEN? HOW CAN I NOT REMEMBER?
"You came?" I didn't remember at all.
"Yes"
"You were the one who picked me up home, then?" I solved the puzzle then.
"Yes" Oh my God, I invited to a drink and I was so drunk and this kid took me home. How stupid.
"Ah, my friends were there way too early. Guess I'm drunk and they already leave" I lied because I didn't want to look pathetic in front of her.
"Yes, maybe" She must found me alone then.
I kept touching my headache head.
"Was I said something weird, Chaengie. I don't remember at all about last night" Is she lying about this too? I asked. I was afraid if I did talk about "us" or even made a sudden confession to her. No, please say no.
"No, you passed out when I came" THANK GOD.
"I tend to forget about what happened when I'm drunk. If I say something hurtful, please know that I don't mean it, okay"
"Okay, you're not tho" Okay, I was passed out the moment she came. Thank God. But still, I was embarrassed in front of her, I can pull my self that night, I drank like crazy.
"Thanks for this" That was so pathetic. I promised myself not to texted her and asked her out of the blue again. I might say something I regret.
I found a way to cope with my stress lately. I went hiking and trekking. I found a group of people who really love to do this. I joined their group. We loved to gather in the early morning, we would hike and enjoy sunrise. I never knew that we could enjoy a view like this in Seoul. Since I was an amateur, they took me with a close distance first. I would enjoy walking 500m on the street, but to hike 500m was a tiring. It was a process then. This was where I could really concentrate. Then, be thankful towards the scenery that God gave. It was a beautiful moment.
On April, our group gathered around again to hike Achasan Mountain in Guri. After I done with my schedule, I slept in my friend house in order not to miss the hour. We started the hike at 4 am in the morning. Achasan was a beautiful place. I should really explore Gyeonggi-do someday. It was just an hour away from Seoul but they have so many hidden gems. Sure, it was tiring, but I was so excited to see the sunrise. Finally, we reached the peak. We sat there with my group, shared the coffee and shared the kimbap as well, we ate there, till one of them ordered us to had a look at the sun. It was magical. Being able to enjoy that moment was magical. I took a deep breath and prayed to God once again. My prayers to Him were always the same. It went like, "if she feels the same, then let me know. If she doesn't the keep away far from me". I can't get enough of this sunrise. Too bad that our group is all a workers. They should be worked after we were going down. We went downhill then. It was good until someone recognized my face. It was Son Chaeyoung. With Kim Samuel. I got to meet this couple here, really?
A month after my birthday, of course, it's her birthday, how can I forgot. They were here to celebrate her birthday. What a romantic guy, took his girlfriend to saw the sunrise at her birthday. Both of them then asked me insistently to join them in breakfast. And I complied. I knew hat I couldn't stand this but then I followed them. Samuel took us to a Yukgaejang place. Thank God it was Yukgaejang, my favorite Korean dish. Though I and Chaeng were in an awkward situation, Samuel kept the conversation alive. Thank God that this kid broke the silence around us. He was so polite towards me. He was a decent man, that was my impression on him. When Chaeng went to the bathroom, we had a little conversation.
"So, how long you've been dating then?" I asked him.
"137 days"
"Whoa, so spesific" I admired this guy, "Do you guys celebrate 100, 200 days then?"
"Nope, we are not" He laughed.
"Yeah, don't. Chaengie hates parties and celebrations" I told him as if I know her best.
"Do you love her, Sam, I really have to ask this. I didn't want Chaeng to end up with a bad guy"
"Noona, I can assure you that I won't be a bad guy for her. It wasn't easy for her to open her heart to me, I won't waste that. I know that you guys are worried about her, she's your precious maknae, isn't she?" She was more than that to me if you wanted to know.
"And also she's dating someone even younger than her. But, towards her, I could act like an Oppa. I won't hurt her, I promise you"
"Good. Cause I will tear your home apart if you happen to hurt her, Samuel"
He smiled at me. Did I scare him? But he was content. Somehow she made me sure that he would never hurt her. She's in good hands then.
Samuel then got picked by his manager. I would ride Chaeng's car then. Oh my God, did I have to? It would be awkward. Guri is so far from our dorm.
But it wasn't scary at all. We also had a decent conversation. We talked about Samuel, I tried to be chilled bout that. We also talked about her dream to be a producer. I just knew from her that she spent the most time in the office now meeting with JunK Oppa and YoungK Oppa to learned about music composing. Sometimes she even learned from the master, JYP himself. I also told her about my dream to be a musical actress. It was decent. It did feel like a friend again, though my heart still beating so fast around her.
As we arrived at our dorm, I remembered that I had a present for her. A delayed birthday present from last year. I should give this, I thought. I then, put the present in her bed when she was taking a bath. I hope she liked it.
The next interaction we got, It was Christmas eve in 2020, I was in Korea. My plan was to celebrate it alone. Since Tzuyu had a schedule, Sana spent it with her boyfriend, Momoring wanted to sleep all day. All the Korean members celebrated at home. I thought I would visit the church this day and enjoyed dinner by myself. Then, my phone rang. I recognized the caller, I picked up joyfully.
"Yes, Mam?"
"Minari, are you in Korea?"
"Yes, Mam. Why?"
"Oh please, don't celebrate Christmas alone, come here. Dad and Mom are waiting for you"
They were too nice. I really wanted to go their home but........
"But, Chaengie went alone this morning. It would not be good if I show up all of sudden"
"What are you talking about? You also my family. Come here, We are waiting, okay?"
"Okay, Mam"
I couldn't just reject her that easy. Every Christmas and Chuseok day she always sent me cards and also sent me winter clothes. She was too nice, her dad as well. They even called me, told me to not forget to eat, to sleep, to looked out for my health. When we did the concert, she wasn't only looking for Chaeng, but me as well. That was why I always took good care of them too. I often bought gifts and delivered it to them. For this Chuseok I even purchased a massage chair for them. They always took care of me as if I am their daughter. I was so thankful that they kept their words when they said they I could consider them as parents in Korea 4 years ago. Yes, I should visit them again that Christmas then, I should pay my respect to them.
I drove my car there. I intentionally came at afternoon around 5 pm, because I knew that Chaeng would come at night. I just wanted to meet her parents, I didn't want to interrupt their family dinner. But the traffic jam made me arrive at 7 pm. I knocked at her apartment, Mr. and Mrs. Son greeted me with hugged me. I also met Jeonghun, Chaeng's brother. Chaeng had not arrived yet. I delivered goods that I bought for them, and help Mrs. Son prepared dinner. She kept telling me to stay for dinner.
Chaeng was there, she made a big entrance. It's been a year as well for her since she was home. She seemed surprised to see me there. Of course, who didn't? But Chaeng also wanted me to stay whether she was sincere or not. I did apologize to her as I ruined her Christmas dinner. Chaeng really loves Christmas and spend it with her family I didn't want to be a burden. But she said that I also her family as well, that I should stay. I stayed for dinner then. As usual, we would be prayed at the dining table, then had a feast. Then Chaeng would be delivered the presents. That was where Chaeng noticed about massage chair in the living room, that was also when their parents explained how we always kept contact the past 4 years. She smiled at me. I hope she didn't think that I stole her parents or so.
The situation got no any better, her family knows about Samuel and her, they kept teased her in a dining room. I pretended that I teased her too, that's what family did, wasn't it? I had to be the big sister who also loves to tease her little sister. That way was easier. As the night went by, her parents were asleep. I thought I should take her for granted tonight. Samuel was in the U.S, I remembered that Chaeng once mentioned to me that she really wanted to spend Christmas eve at Myeongdong. I should grant her wish for today. I went to her room and brought her jacket.
"Let's go, Chaengie" I threw her jacket.
"Where, Unnie"
"Myeongdong, grab your gear, let's spend Eve there"
She then hopped up from the sofa and went to her room. No one could recognize us. It was eve. There will be a pack of people there. Chaeng and I put our masker on, a cap on head, and glasses. I was sure no one could recognized us. I drove her there. She couldn't stop staring at the window. It was rare for her to even see snowfall at Christmas time. She said to me that she never actually see the road anymore as she always fell asleep at the van. It was indeed beautiful, all white through Han river, snows still fell that time. She looked like a kid who I took for a ride. I kept smiling. We then parked our car and visited the famous street Myeongdong. It was so pretty on Christmas Eve with lamps, giant Christmas tree, the sound of a carol, it was beautiful surrounding. Didn't forget to take a street food there even we had to eat in the quiet hallway. She looked so happy. I was happy to see her happy. She did look like a kid. Yes, it's been almost 7 years since we always spent our Christmas quietly, we can't do what others do since we are now celebrities. We did the countdown to Christmas as well there. I felt like I wanted to kiss her, I really did. It was a perfect night. I should grab her in my hands, embraced her.
Around 1 pm, I took her to the Han river in Jamsil. We all celebrities knew that the quietest place along Han river was in Jamsil. I drove her again. I never thought that I could spend Christmas time at Han River when the snow fell upon us in this cold weather especially with her. We sat there, faced the river. I brought her beer. The best time to enjoyed beers.
I talked to her about how I really thankful for her parents. Also, said sorry to her that I was so impudent to sent them gifts. I meant it. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with my actions. But, she also felt thankful that I did that to my parents. At least someone cared about her because she was the ignorant type. She sometimes forgot to text her parents. She was so pleased to have me as a family. It was perfect, it was Christmas. I missed this, being with her alone. I missed her too bad until I didn't realize that I said it out loud.
"I miss you, Chaengie" That words came from my mouth.
A phone rang for her, she looked at the caller, I saw it too. Perfect, Samuel called her. I ordered her to take it. I walked away from her, I left her on the bench alone, gave her private time to call his boyfriend. As I walked, I cried. Hot tears came to my face, it dried quickly since the winter wind blew upon me. I went to my car. I cried there. I regretted my action. Why did I have to say it out loud? Yes, I missed her, yes. But she didn't have to know. I love her alone, this was pathetic. I could saw her from the car took the phone calls from Samuel. Why can't I have her too? Why.
She came to my car, we were ready to go home. I could act that I never said those words. It was okay. It was always okay. We took a quiet drive. It was still beautiful. She also forgot perhaps, that I ever said those words. I dropped her off at her parking lot. She unbuckled her seatbelt. She looked at me, she said thanks that I fulfill her dreams to spend time in Myeongdong and Han river. Then she said it.
"I miss you too, Mina Unnie" She took off after said those words.
That words really hurt me somehow. As she got up, I saw her until she took the elevator. I got numb, starred at the blank space.
When I said "I miss you," you didn't need to answer, "I miss you too" because it wasn't a question that you needed to answer. It was a declaration of my fragile heart that I miss you so badly right now. I needed to swallow my whole damn pride just to reach out to you. And I'm not asking for that same response in return.
When I said "I miss you," don't say that you miss me too. I only feel offended by that. Because what I need you to tell me is what makes you miss me too. I think by knowing that, it'll lessen the pain; it'll lessen the casualties you've left in my heart. And although we can never go back the way we were before, at least I know that you kind of miss me too. It aches to be the one who has loved the most, but ends up empty and alone. when I said "I miss you," please don't say "I miss you too," because it will only hurt me.
Because you don't miss me the way I miss you.
After that I encountered with her, I thought that was it. That was so it. Soon, there will be a new year ahead of me, I should forget her, I should stay away from, tho I said those words again and again as the time went by. I should really do that. I should forget about her. That was my cue. I would never have a place in her heart. I needed a perfect distraction. I drank and drank. I really wanted to have a good sleep. I should be drunk in order to sleep. When I was sober I could only think of her. I created so much distance to her. I think of her as my enemy. I knew this was so childish, this was so immature. I didn't want her to comfort me. I wanted her gone. I can't accept her affection, her care. I just can't.
Another moment where I thought that it was enough for me was in October 2021. When I fell from the stage, I should be hospitalized. I should be cast for 3 months even. At the perfect same time, Samuel also got hurt in an accident. She chose to take care of him. I never saw her again in the hospital since the day I fell. I also should sit home cause I can go anywhere I wanted. She never home, she never checked my condition. I knew that she was so busy, with her schedules and with Twice as well, but she never even asked me how was I doing. She did tho, once. When we were just alone. One time.
That time when I was always home, I thought about my future more and more. I wanted to be a musical actress. I wanted to learn it from the bottom. I always told JYPE about my dreams. They promised me to find me a suitable act. It was a year ago. Even I got into K-Arts, they never found a suitable act for me. That was it. JYPE seemed didn't care about me at all too. They wanted to get a big role, that was why I took them so much time, while I wanted to learn from the bottom. I am fine if I should start it as a backup dancer first. But, JYPE always wanted me to be the main star. They can't do that in the musical world.
I really love my members, I do. Without them I am nothing. I also feel thankful for JYPE, they shaped me the way I am now. But, when 3 theatres in Tokyo called me to have me auditioned for some role, I thought that wasn't it better if I do theatres in Japan. They even wanted me to be in their cast. I could have a career there. But it means that I should leave JYPE too. 2022 is where we renew our contract. Should I not do that? Should I give up Korea already, should I leave my members? I thought about it more and more.
On December, Jihyo gathered us up for the first time after 2018. It's been 3 years that we never had a proper time in our dorm, just us. Jihyo said we should celebrate our new dorm, I can't properly walk too that time. I felt joy again that time. All of us were there. Just like the old time. We ordered foods, we ate, we laughed. I did feel content around all of them, I love them. Particularly I love that person. Seeing her again with us, laughed, teased her, bullied her. I forgot how much I hated her, how much I resented her because I love her. Jihyo then reminded us about contract renewal next year. That time, I didn't want to leave them, I love them as a whole. We promised back then, then we could also be like senior Girl's Generation. We could last forever. But I also had a dream to be followed.
Confused. I only 24 years old. No, I already 24. I should make a decision.