Near to You
15
-
But it kills me that you won't see the clear blue sky we'd fit perfectly underneath.
Missing You - Letters & Lights
-
The ride to the airport was silent. I clutched my purse which I was carrying with me onto the plane tightly. I did not know what to say to Zayn, and clearly he was suffering from the same dilemma because he had barely said two words to me since he got his driver to pick me up from my residence almost over half an hour ago. I had told him it would be fine for me to just catch a cab, but he had insisted, and to be honest, I really wanted to see him.
It had been three days since our kiss, and our return to London from the quaint bungalow. Somehow I had expected everything to be different. All the running around and uncertainty that I had been feeling, I expected it all to just vanish. For that final night I had forgotten that I would be returning to a world where I kept a large secret from almost everyone I knew, a world where Zayn and I could not be seen together because it would only wreck his reputation, but it could potentially benefit mine.
All those complications were gone, but once we returned, the gloom we had escaped from seemed to settle over us instantly. I had dropped him off and returned to my dorm, not to hear from him until last night, when he asked me how I was planning to get to the airport. We had not spoken of anything that took place. It was almost as if I had dreamt everything that happened, as if it were all made up in my mind, and I was beginning to believe that maybe it was. Maybe he thought it was a mistake.
We pulled up in front of the terminal and I clambered out quickly, glad to get out of the stuffy, silent space. Now, instead of uncomfortable quietness there was the buzz of conversation and overhead zoom of jets coming and going. Now it felt as if the world were moving again, instead of trapped in that sufferable loop. Zayn lifted my sole bag out of the trunk and waved the man dressed in a simple black shirt and jeans away, indicating that he wanted some privacy. Maybe now he would tell me what was going on, what all this meant.
Had he told his management? Did he regret it? Questions raced through my mind so fast that I could barely think up of an answer for one. I bit my lip and stared down at my shoes. I didn't want to speak first in case I said something stupid.
"Are you excited?"
"What?" I said almost immediately after, surprised that he had broken the silence, before realizing what he said. "Oh, yeah, I guess. I mean, it'll be good to see my family and friends again."
"You'll have a lot of catching up to do."
"Yeah."
We lapsed into another silence and I almost let out a grunt of frustration. Things had been so easy between us before, and now some kiss had changed all of that? No matter how much I wanted this to change, our friendship, into something more, if it was making him uncomfortable I'd be glad to settle as just friends. Zayn was an amazing person, and I wasn't just going to let him go because he didn't think of me the way I thought of him.
"Listen, I just--"
"Two weeks is a long time."
"Not really," I replied. "It'll go by very quickly. There's Christmas as well, aren't you excited to go back home for that?"
"It'll be nice," he agreed. "I wish I could give you yor gift, though."
"You got me a gift?" Once more I was shocked. I had bought Zayn a cute keychain of a coffee cup, Frankie's idea. The boy was always losing his keys, or misplacing them. Maybe that way he'd identify them easier, and think of me when he saw it. I hadn't expected anything in return for the silly trinket.
"Of course I did." He shook his head, as if he couldn't believe I'd thought otherwise.
"You wouldn't have been able to give it to me anyway, if I'd stayed," I pointed out. "I would have been here and you would have been in Bradford."
"You could've..." He trailed off, and then changed his mind. "Yeah, you're right."
I studied him for a moment, wondering if he was about say what I thought he was, but I didn't believe it. He wouldn't have asked me to join him. Meeting someone's family was a big step, even with just friends. It would've been too early for a Christmas visit.
"I'd better go check in." I motioned toward the ladies standing in their uniforms behind counters through the glass and he nodded. Almost reluctantly he followed me inside as I spoke quickly with the only woman who wasn't busy, exchanging my passport and having it returned with my ticket. Zayn waited a few feet away, head bowed so he wouldn't be recognized. As much as I was amazed by the way he touched people, it would have ruined what little time I had left with him if he was torn away by his fans.
"Seat 24 F," I frowned jokingly as I came to stand by his side. "Guess I'll be waiting to get off the plane a while."
"Why don't you upgrade it?" he asked.
"To what? First class?" I snorted, glad he seemed to be a little more open to conversation now. "Poor university student here, remember?"
"I could get it for you," he offered. "A Christmas gift."
"But you've already gotten me one."
"Who says you're only allowed to get one gift?" Zayn replied. "Is that a rule now?"
"No." I sighed. "It's alright, really. The airport will be pretty empty because we get in late, and it's never that long of a wait anyway."
He dropped the topic, thankfully, and suggested that we go to one of the tiny shops in the area to get something in my stomach before I'd be force to eat the airplane food. He bought my food, although I protested as always, claiming it was the 'least he could do' after I declined his offer to upgrade my ticket.
"I'm not excited for the flying part," I admitted once we were sitting at a tiny table, knees knocking against each other every time we moved. "It's such a long flight I always get so bored of my books that I have nothing to do but stare out the window."
"Bored of books?" He pretended to be appalled. "Is that even possible for you?"
"Oh, ha ha." I rolled my eyes. "I don't spend all my time in books. They can be tedious sometimes."
"Tedious?" he teased. "Did you swallow a dictionary on the way over when I wasn't looking or something?"
I laughed, comepletely at ease now. Whatever funk we had been in before had vanished, and everything was almost as it had been beore, except for the nagging questions which remained at the back of my mind.
There was a ding and an announcement was made that my flight would soon be boarding. I had to go. My stomach dropped. I was nowhere near ready yet. I glanced Zayn's way apprehensively.
"I'd better check for my passport." I pulled my purse toward me.
"Why?" he asked, getting up as I did. Although I was standing I did not dare to look at him, instead focusing on my search. I couldn't say goodbye to him. I couldn't look at him. I felt as if I were about to cry. It was ridiculous.
"I'm always so scared I'll lose it." I laughed. "I know it's stupid, I mean I put it in there, of course it's going to be there, but still--"
"I'm going to miss you."
I stopped searching for my passport and turned to look at Zayn. He sounded extremely upset, and now that I looked at him I could see that he was running his hand across the back of his neck in a manner which let me know he was feeling uncomfortable about the confession. My heart swelled in my chest at the sincerity and I knew my cheeks must have been blooming a ruddy colour from the embarrassment.
"I'm going to miss you too." I said it softly but I knew he had heard me when his worried frown turned into a crooked grin. He pulled me closer and wrapped his hands around my waist. I rested my head on his shoulder, barely able to reach it because of the difference in our height I had never really had the chance to notice before.
"Another hug?" I teased and I could feel his chest move as he chuckled. I tightened my grasp around his neck.
"I have to take them where I can get them," he replied. "Not going to be seeing you for a while, after all."
I untangled myself as the first announcement went for my flight. I would still have to go through security and rush to my gate. I had to leave now if I was planning to make it home. My chest constricted. A few months ago I would have been estatic to leave, but now I couldn't bear the thought of it.
"Zayn, are we...?"
The question had been burning in my mind since we had returned from the cottage. Neither of us were brave enough, but now I needed to know. I was tired of waiting for him to make the first move and I didn't want to go back to Toronto, not knowing whether I had something to look forward to when I came back.
"We can't do this now." He shook his head, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "There are people around, we need to talk about this properly, not in a rush when you're about to leave."
We've had days to talk about this, I wanted to say. I didn't, though. I just nodded, biting my lip and turning toward the hallway where the signs were pointing for me to go.
"Michelle--wait."
Hope flooded my system but I was slightly disappointed as he pulled me into another hug.
"Please don't be upset with me, or worried."
"I'm not." I sighed, hugging him tightly one more time. I waved over my shoulder as I approached the man dressed in uniform. He smiled cheekily down at me.
"Your boyfriend?" He asked as I placed my bag in the plastic bin along with my jacket and keys.
"It's complicated."
I glanced over my shoulder to catch a final glimpse. No one could possibly understand just how complicated it really was.