At six I figured I hadn't had enough punishment for the day, so the bird and I got in the car and drove the mile to my family's house.
It stood next to Caleb's and Leif's, both places best described as "major fixer-upper opportunities". Considering we each had a handful of siblings and/or other kids around, the disrepair occurred at a rapid pace.
I could hear the baby crying when I got out of the car. My sister was out front, half-dressed, listening to music. At least she was smoking outside.
"He's teething," she said before I could even open my mouth. At twenty-two, she looked older than I did, but that was mostly due to being a single mom of three kids under six years old.
"Any frozen mini bagels left?" I picked up as much garbage off the porch as I could. "Can't you guys at least keep it clean out here, Haze?" I tried to voice it in a neutral tone but she was always defensive.
"Look, we do the best we can, okay? You know Dad's gone on a trip. And no, there aren't any mini bagels left because, uh, hello? We ate them."
Money for cigarettes, though.
She ground hers out and left the butt there along with a dozen others. I used the side of my shoe to sweep them into the can that sat on the step under them. "Leif told us about Caleb."
It was a peace offering of sorts.
"Yeah, he's pretty bad," I said as I opened the front door.
The baby's cries grew louder. He was sitting in his high chair in the kitchen in a diaper, though it wasn't that warm in the house. There was baby food smeared in his hair, all over his face, his arms, the chair, and the floor. He wailed and rubbed at his eyes, where it undoubtedly also was.
"Jesus, Hazel, c'mon," I said, exasperated. I lifted the poor thing out and brought him to the sink.
"Right, if he was your baby, he'd be all picture-perfect in Osh Kosh overalls," she said sarcastically, going to sit at the kitchen table where her coffee was. "Have his own TV show."
The sink rag smelled mildewy. I rinsed it out around the crusted dishes and ran the water until it was warm. I paid for a maid service but she was a pro at living like a slob. "Here, buddy, let's get you cleaned up," I told Hank, who was hiccuping now instead of sobbing. Definite improvement. I managed to get his face clean and got the bits of pureed carrot out of his eyes.
My hands were tied as far as my niece and nephews were concerned. My sister wouldn't give up custody, and I had no legal grounds to them because she knew how to toe the line between crappy parent and child-endangering parent.
A shriek made us all jump as two more kids ran into the kitchen, the oldest one chasing the littler one. "I'll kill you!" she shouted at him, waving a disturbingly realistic sword. "I told you not to touch that damn box!"
I reached out and snagged her before she could continue on the warpath. "Whoa, there, crazyface. Auntie's here, hi. Why are you killing your brother?"
Five years old going on thirteen, she was a spitfire and I adored her. I wasn't supposed to have favorite kids but I did. I loved all the other ones, a lot. But this one was my kid, even if she technically wasn't.
"I told him not to touch a box, and he did, and so he forfeits his life," she explained patiently, adjusting her warrior helmet. "I had to say damn because he made me really mad, and it's not healthy to hold in those feelings."
"Carry on then," I told her, letting go. "Don't hurt him really. The bird's here if you want to play with him instead of committing murder. Pretend you're a crow and you two can be a murder."
She turned and went out the front door instead to throw an old dog toy for Poe.
Jasper crept back into the kitchen and under the table. He didn't talk yet but he was smart, perhaps even more so than his sister. I was glad, because Hazel had smoked while pregnant with all three of them. Cigarettes and marijuana. "Hi, Jasper. No hug for Auntie?"
He waved but remained on the sticky floor next to his mother's dirty bare feet. He had an old pair of my dad's glasses that he always carried around, though they had no lenses.
"We need some money," Hazel said, unscrewing a jar of nail polish.
"I just gave you two hundred bucks like three days ago." I went into the living room, felt anger rising at the mess everywhere, and looked for diapers. "Where are the diapers?"
"That's the last one," she said flippantly. "I was thinking about toilet training him soon."
I looked at the six-month-old baby, who grinned gummily at me, drool running down one side of his chin. "Have you heard from Dad?"
She snorted, painting a nail. "Uh, yeah. He's on a big winning streak. Ha."
"Fuck," I said. I got my purse and took three twenties out. "Go get some diapers, and formula. The good kind, not the crap. Bread, turkey, cheese. Bananas. Peanut butter, Cheerios. I'll order some groceries tonight to be delivered tomorrow."
She rolled her eyes. "Why can't you go?"
Because they're not my kids, because I'm trying so hard not to slap you, just because. "Uh, because I was at the hospital all night with my pulverized fiance, who has been cheating on me the whole time he was gone, and I'm not in the fucking mood. Okay? Good enough?" I said it low enough so the older kids didn't hear as I put the naked baby in his playpen, fishing out a rotting bottle and an AAA battery first.
He chewed on a plastic ring, watching us happily.
"None of that's my fault," she grumbled, but she got up. "Really? Cheating on you? That doesn't sound like Prince Caleb."
I paused to get out another twenty, and handed it to her just so she'd shut the fuck up and leave me alone. "Just go, okay? I need to go home soon. Get some new baby bottles. And no liquor."
She got her keys as Jasper came out from under the table to stand by her. "I'll be right back," she told him, patting his head. She pulled on a pair of jeans from the laundry chair and slipped her feet into her Dollar Tree pink flamingo flip flops. She went out the door, yelled something at Shiloh, and I heard the fan belt squeal as she left.
I made a bottle with the last of the formula and gave it to Hank, covering him with a mostly clean blanket until he had a diaper on and could be dressed.
"You hungry?" I asked Jasper back in the kitchen. He had just turned three and was as adorable as his siblings. My sister made cute kids.
He nodded and I opened the fridge. Nothing but browning lettuce and hard cheese that was unwrapped. I resisted the urge to hit the fridge, mostly because the kids were watching. "Did Mama have her friend here?"
He nodded again. Her latest boyfriend, freeloading as they all did. She would be pregnant again next.
I found some stale cheese crackers from the dollar store and put some on a paper plate for him. I waded through trash and toys to the old box TV and turned it on. Cable was something I paid for so the kids would at least have cartoons to watch. Mickey's voice filled the room and Jasper centered in on that. With a sigh, I got a garbage bag and gathered up the kids' clothing.
When I went out front to put it in my car, Shiloh sat on the porch steps, tossing Poe's tiny-tire-on-a-rope toy on the mostly-weeds lawn. He flapped a few feet off the ground and landed by it, took it in his beak, and returned to her, dropping it.
The door to Caleb's house opened and his twelve-year-old sister came out and over to us. She'd been crying. "Is Caleb going to be okay? No one will give me a real answer," she told me, hugging me tightly.
"What's wrong with Uncle Caleb?" Shiloh immediately wanted to know.
Gwen winced. "Sorry."
"He got in an accident," I told my niece. "And yes, he's going to be okay. He's hurt pretty badly, but they're fixing him up."
"I want to see him," she said immediately. "I have Yellow Kitty Band-Aids."
This kid. "You can't see him yet but you're not missing anything because he's sleeping all the time."
Gwen looked at me quizzically. "Is he really in a real coma?"
Poe picked up his toy and dropped it on Gwen's foot with a croak. She absentmindedly let go of me and picked it up to toss.
"He is right now," I admitted. My head had begun to throb. "He'll be okay, though." If I didn't kill him after he woke up. "You guys have enough food?"
She nodded and shrugged at the same time. "Hot dogs. Mac 'n cheese. Ramen."
"K. Try not to worry. I'll see him later. Leif's there with him."
She looked at me with eyes much too old. "Mom's been asleep all day." They were home-schooled, since it was easier that way all around. They missed too much school if they went, and this way they could do minimal work on their own and wait on their mother the rest of the time.
Plus no one was able to question the frequent bruises and busted eyebrows that went around like a virus in their household.
"Yeah, it's tough. She's upset from seeing him. He looks worse than he is, okay? He'll be okay. I promise." Hear that, universe? I promised the kid. Don't make me a liar.
She trusted me. "When can I see him?"
I thought of Caleb's broken body and inwardly winced. "We'll see, okay? I'll take you as soon as you can go. It won't be for a while, though."
She nodded and threw Poe's little tire.
Hazel returned and I sent Gwen home, going back in to make sure my sister had gotten what I told her. I put a diaper on the baby and then his jammies. "He needs to wear clothes, too, Haze. It's too cold for just a diaper." I tried to say it gently. "Or keep the heat up higher."
"He's fine," she said briefly. "He fusses if he's cold and I cover him up."
Considering he was crying when I'd arrived, that was a blatant lie, but there wasn't a lot I could do about it.
She opened the sliced turkey, taking a few pieces out and putting them in her mouth. "He's my third kid, Mary. How many kids do you have? None? That's right." She put some more on two plates and cut a banana in half, putting half on each plate. "So please shut up." She tore open the cheese and put two wrapped slices on each plate.
I gave up and took another garbage bag out, going around to pick up the majority of the paper plates and trash from the front room and kitchen.
Finally, I kissed the kids, who were now glued to the TV, and went back into the kitchen. "I'll probably be by tomorrow. Maybe Dad will win big this time." He was a long-distance truck driver, but always found a casino to lose the money at while he was gone.
She made a rude noise, lighting a cigarette as she came out onto the porch with me. "He won't come home with any of it if he does."
"That's for sure." I got in my car. "Night."
"See ya," she said.
Poe appeared from the tree above and took up his position riding shotgun. I drove us home, where I took every picture containing Caleb and put them in a drawer in the spare room.
I called my best girl friend, Paramjeet, as soon as I was in my pajamas. I'd texted her about the accident during the night. "Are you sitting down?"
Her voice was cautious. "I am now . . ."
"That motherfucker was cheating on me on his little expedition." I waited for the righteous indignation and was not disappointed.
"What! Are you fucking kidding me right now, Mary! Are you sure?" She'd lived in India until she was eight and her accent thickened when she was angry.
"Uh, she showed up weeping over his deathbed, so yeah, pretty sure." I lit a cigarette and went to sit outside so I didn't smoke the bird out. He came too, although it was dark now and most birds would be asleep. They broke the mold when they made Poe.
"I'll kill him," she said darkly, and I could just see the scowl on her face. "I'll come there and kill him so no one will even have to fret about him waking up. How dare he!"
The crow rooted around for something in the dirt before giving up and coming to sit next to me, muttering under his breath. He was sort of like a dog. A flying dog who could kind of talk.
"I know, right?" Even in the midst of it all, I felt happy over her expected reaction. Even if my fiance--excuse me, former fiance--was a dick, at least I had some good friends. "And get this, you're going to be even madder," I went on. "He didn't even tell her about me until the night before he came home."
I could hear her gasp of rage. "That son of a bitch! What in the world was he playing at? Did they give him drugs on this expedition? Were they down in the mines with poisonous gas? This does not sound like Caleb at all."
"Yeah," I said, the humor leaving the situation. "It's pretty sucky, really. They're in love or whatever, I guess." I smoked and Poe rubbed his beak against my knee a few times to clean it and soothe me at the same time. He squawked at me quietly.
"Jesus, I'm sorry, Mary. Leif must be pissed." I could hear her lighter.
That was the truth. "He's not happy. He just found out the same night the girl did."
"What's she like?"
I sighed. "She's gorgeous, and guilty, and has all ten fingers." I felt my heart bottom out. "She was crying and all sorry and everything. Hard to even hate her." This annoyed me a lot.
"But you do," she said.
"But I do," I agreed, which at the moment was more or less true. The bird suddenly flew off the porch and into a bush five feet away, emerging with a mouse in his beak, which he then threw a foot away and went to play with. "You're disgusting, and mean," I told him amiably.
She laughed a little. "Me or your bird?"
"The damn bird. He's playing with a mouse."
"Survival of the fittest," she said, and I could almost see her shrugging. "What's on head radio?"
I tuned in. "This old Pearl Jam song called Jeremy."
"I haven't heard that one," she mused.
"It's about a bullied kid's suicide," I enlightened her. "Really pretty though."
"My dear Mary, I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I have to get up in four hours, so I should sleep. But I'll be there soon to kill him." She wouldn't; she was in New York and stuck there if she wanted to keep her internship at a major newspaper.
"Good, I'll put you on the visitors' list. Everything good there?" I ground out the rest of the cigarette and went in, leaving the door open so he could follow when he was done.
She yawned loudly. "I'm half awake most of the time, but I have yet to screw up majorly. There's just so much to learn. And do." Another yawn.
"Go to sleep. I love you."
"Love you, too. Hang in there. He'll be okay." I could almost see her sympathetic expression. "You'll be okay, too."
"I always am," I agreed. Whether I liked it or not.
I ordered pizza and bread sticks and when it all came I stuffed my face. Pizza gave me life. The bird ate his fair share.
Leif texted me at ten. She went to a hotel. You coming back at some point or what's the deal.
I truly just couldn't deal with any more, and if that made me the worst person ever, well oh well. Idk if i can. Probably not. Your parents bailing totally?
As usual. I guess I'll go home now. I mean he's fine alone, not like he needs company, right? They have a lot of nurses checking and shit.
He wanted reassurance, so I gave it to him. Right. I'm gonna sleep for now. What'd you find out? I took a bite of cold pizza although I was already full.
Some stuff. Nothing important. Her name's Halley.
Halley. It sounded innocent enough. Fantastic.
He texted again. What's playing on head radio?
I tuned in. I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. I've become so tired, so much more aware.
Numb, I told him.
Ah, our beloved Chester Bennington, may he rest in peace.
The death of Linkin Park's singer had been hard on us, as it had to his many fans.
So, are you? he continued.
I had to follow the conversation back. Numb? No I answered. Sounds good though. Wish I was.
Go to sleep dude.
It sounded amazing. Yeah, night.
Night, he answered.
I plugged in my charger and went to sleep, the bird on his perch.
songs in this chapter:
Jeremy (Pearl Jam)
Numb (Linkin Park)