*Note: It's Mina's POV again. Her POV will only focus on Chaeyoung only. Since this whole story actually is all about Chaeyoung. It's narrative as she thinks and reviewing their past together. I hope you could enjoy it! Thanks :)
She made me fluttered all over again she said that she loved me during our fan meeting. She said that seeing me hurt, also hurt her, as I tried so hard to get into first place in rhythm gymnastics. I wasn't sure towards my feeling but isn't she feeling the same as me? Or is it just an acting to made fans happy? I'm not sure either.
March 2017, we went to Japan for JYP Nation concert there. I felt thankful that my country that they accepted the way we did music. I really glad to be back home, my homeland. I got to spend some time off with my other JYP friends as well, especially Bam Bam. I like to show him Japan. I got really close to Bam bam since I felt like he's the one who understands me the most. A little fact too, that somehow I asked things about how Taurus act towards others, cause BamBam is also a Taurus just like Chaeyoungie.
Bam Bam invited me to his room, his Hyungs are gone out. I could use some comfort from him.
"BAM!"
"Mina, come on in!" Bam invited me in"It becomes harder seeing you nowadays"
"Hehehe I am sorry, you are also too busy"
"Do you want something to drink?"
"Nope thanks"
"You must be wanted to tell me lots of stories, you've been dying to see me since Christmas"
"You know me best, Bam"
"So, how's everyone? Is everything good?"
"Everyone's good, last year was good we did lot of things together"
"Why am I feeling that you're the only one who doesn't really happy about this kind of situation then?"
"I want to ask you something that bothers me, but promised me that you're gonna keep this to yourself, only to you. I hope that you could help me trying to solve this then?"
"What's the matter?"
"Is it............Is it........." I take a deep breath again and again before say anything to Bam.
"YA MINARI!"
"I don't even know where to begin, Bam" I take a deep breath again "Is it normal to fall in love with a girl?"
"Yeah, why?" He takes this lightly.
"You make it sound easy"
"When it comes to love you should make it easy"
"It's weird, I kept denying it, but it kept bothering me. I really want to you know, I don't want to feel this way. But every morning when I wake up, she popped up in my head all of sudden. I kept thinking about her over and over again. Every time I saw her, I get excited. I always want to spend my time with her, I want her to be beside me. Get clingy to me. I love the way she sees through my eyes. The way she looked at me, being attentive only to me. Texted me when I needed, sometimes talking gibberish, she's also the smartest person in the room"
"You sound very in love, Minari"
"Am I? But the truth is, I don't want this feeling to be true, Bam. I don't want to fall in love with this person, cause I know she doesn't feel the same. I know"
"Don't tell me it's one of your members?"
"You don't have to know who she is, what am I asking you is, Is it really normal to feel like this?"
"Why are you asking me the, ask your heart? You know me, I am not gonna give you the easy answer"
"Okay, Minari. For me, you can love men, you can love women, you can love both, that's okay for me, I won't judge your preferences, the most important thing is for me is to declare it, because when you hide it to yourself it will be so much harder, moreover after today. After you just admitted to me, it will become harder. How long you've been feeling this tho?" He added.
"I know, but I won't tell her. It's been 3 years. I am tired of chasing. I am tired of wanting."
"So, it is one of your members then. Oh, Minari, it must be hard for you, isn't it? How is she towards you then?"
"She's nice to me. Well, she's nice to everyone. But I know that she treated me differently. I always have this scenario in my mind where she also feels the same as mine. But I think she was too young to even understand love. I can't help but fall in love. Sometimes I pray to God to erase this feeling, Bam. It's hard seeing her without feeling love" I started to cry.
"It's up to you Mina whether you want to pursue this feeling or not. Just don't try too hard, okay? You will end up getting hurt"
"As I tell this story to you, actually I really want to deny this Bam. I want to erase this before it gets bigger"
"It's not gonna be easy, Mina. But I'll support whatever decision you're making"
I wipe my tears "Thanks, Bammie"
"You're welcome. If you have any difficulties, please just call me okay. Don't hold it to yourself"
"I know"
Somone then knocked Bam's room.
"It's Jimin and Jihyo, go wipe your tears" Bam asked me to do that.
That day I decided to stop loving her, craving her attention, seeing her. Because seeing her only get me to hurt. I stopped wanting her to text me, I even stopped myself to get close to her. But Bam was totally right when I declared that I love her to someone, it made me can't stop thinking about her. She was so beautiful when she cut her hair short, I can't even look at her without saying that 'she was so pretty' in my heart. I stopped wanting her to hug me and I stopped hug her too. I needed someone older to guide me, that's when I get closer to Nayeon and Jeongyeon Unnie.
The first crisis to our group came soon after that. A leaked photos of me and Bambam surfaced on the internet. Bam and I are really close we often taking pictures like that. At first, I was okay, since they know that we're just a friend. But, Bam, on the other hand, take this matter not lightly. He was suddenly running away from this matters. I knew that he was scared easily. But, he was running away doesn't solve any of our problems. Our fans were crazy about this news, they even tried to threaten me, to kill me. One person that stepped out and gave me comfort is only Chaeyoungie. She knew that I get stressed over this things, but then she accompanied me through the process. I really wanted to forget her, but seeing me by my side again, melted my heart. How can I erase my feeling towards her if she always stays beside me?
I decided to stop this thing, my love for her, I should stop this after we went back from Switzerland. I was so Thankful that universe didn't allow us to be together all the time. We never got a chance to be together. Until that night, when I met her in the elevator. I should have known that she can't sleep to the new place. But seeing her wanted to go outside, my heart softens again, I wanted to be beside her that night, breathing in a fresh air, enjoyed the night scene in Bern. Yes, I betrayed myself again. We strolled around Bern, enjoyed the night lamps, took street foods together, held hands, I didn't want that moment to be over. I wanted to stop the time. I really love this girl, but we can't. The last day in Switzerland, we visited an old church in Lucerne. Only Chaeng and I were fond of a church. We sat there in silent just enjoyed when the choir sang a beautiful song. Then I asked her to pray in Virgin Mary statue with me, we lit the candle and started to pray.
"If only I could stop the time, I would make a pause to this moment forever, God. I really love this girl beside me. But I know I can't have her. I know that I can't be with her. Help me God, to erase this feeling, I can't look at her without feeling love, God. Amen"
As I opened my eyes, she was there looking at me. That eyes. Was she also saying my name in her prayer then? Days in Switzerland were over, but our memories are still on my mind up until now.
It was perhaps a sign from God. Chaeyoung wrote a song called Eyes Eyes Eyes with Jihyo. She clearly fell in love with someone else, otherwise, she can't write a lyric like that. I know Chaeng, she's so philosophical, she could turn a flower that she saw into beautiful poems and lyrics. She must felt something to someone, that way she could wrote lyrics like that. Okay, it was a sign. This girl is in love with another, I should just give up.I get closer with Jeongyeon Unnie and Nayeon Unnie, we all often played together. They could ease my feeling towards Chaeng. I am so glad that they were there for me, even they ever know about my feeling. They can't know.
It's Christmas again. I was so happy that for the first time in 3 years, I could celebrate it with my family. We will have a performance in Kobe on the Christmas day. It's my town, it meant that I could also spend time with my family. I am a selfish person, tho I could invite my friends to my home, I wanted to spend this alone with my family. It is my right. Beside, if I invited Chaeng, it could ruin my day. I wanted to be happy at Christmas. I wanted to spend it with my little family. Until Jeongyeon and Nayeon Unnie called me and said that wanted to visit my home. With them, I can't just say no. They then came to my house. I felt bad towards my other members. I felt bad, especially to Chaeng. Because last year, she invited me to her house. Even I kept contact with her parents after that time. But, instead, I didn't want her to be here. I am so selfish, I could treat her as a friend again.
When we back to the hotel, she seemed fine tho, she even greeted me and said Merry Christmas to me. She even enjoyed the night lamps with Tzuyu. Was she okay with that? If I were her, I would mad towards myself. She was so cruel. Was she passed these things easily? Was she hurt that I didn't invite her to my house? Clearly, she was fine, I was over thinking once again, she didn't feel the way I feel towards her, why bother mad over things like this then?
New year again. Our Chaengie turn 20 this year. She became an adult along with Tzuyu. She was more mature than ever tho. Around our comeback day, the managers said to me that I fainted all of sudden. The managers told me that she was the one that carried me and be worried about me. She even spent a night in the hospital. I didn't really remember about that day, I only remember that I woke up in that morning, yes still felt dizzy, but she was there holding my hands beside me, slept in a sitting position. I took a look at her, I really wanted to keep her. But I can't. No one never did something like that to me, stayed up all night, watched me closely and took care of me, aside from my family. Why she even did that? Around that time my manager also woke up from the sofa. I asked her to switch position with her. My manager said that Chaeng insisted to take the chair beside me. Why were you doing that, Chaengie? Was it normal for a friend doing something like that to other friends? If only I could ask you.
I decided to live my life a little. Nayeon Unnie was seeing someone that time. A lot of guys also asked me my numbers as well. I should live a little I thought. I should start a relationship with another, or otherwise, I would get stuck here and will never be able to pull myself out. Minjae Oppa was the one who catches my eyes. He's handsome, he's so nice, he's perfect. I decided to go out with him. Chaeng did seem fine about this.
We met at the restaurant in Gangnam, yes he rented the whole place. I went there to met him. He couldn't take his eyes off me.
"Minari!" He waved and pull a chair for me
"You are so beautiful, like always" He complimented me. Yes, I did feel fluttering.
"Thanks, Oppa"
Then we started talking about anything. We both completely opposite. He loves to go out, while I love to be home. He didn't play a game in his life, cause he thought it was stupid. Well, I am stupid then. He's nice, but we're just completely the opposite. I like the things that he hates. He likes the things that I hate. This man was too nice for me. In a time like that, I felt like a fool. I got lost in my own thoughts, I really missed talking with Chaengie, because I can talk about anything to her. Yes, Chaengie made me like this. A girl younger than me dared to make me feel like a crap every day. I can't explain in words. I shouldn't do this a rebound.
That year ended soon, I always told myself that I could use another new resolution involved forgetting about her. I made one again for the next year. I really hope that I could erase this feeling.