"I think I might be pregnant," I tell him, biting my lower lip.
Peeta straightens up and stops swaying with me.
"What?" he asks, and I can sense a hint of nervousness in his voice.
"Please don't make me repeat it."
"I thought you said—"
"I know what I said, but I didn't really think about it until you put the idea in my head, " I say, panicking, and holding on to Willow tighter for comfort. Her little fist clutches the material of my shirt and I hear her begin to snore. "Peeta, I really think I could be pregnant and I'm completely freaking out."
"Wait, are you screwing with me or are you serious?"
"All the signs are there. I'm late, my emotions are a mess, I feel different, my boobs hurt more than normal, and my hunter's gut is telling me something isn't right."
"Then why did you snap when I asked about it?"
"Because I was upset to begin with. I think I got defensive because I didn't want to believe it. I'm scared Peeta," I confess to him. "We didn't plan this a-and, ugh why was I so reckless that night?"
"Hey, hey, hey," he says, grabbing the tops of my arms near my shoulders and kissing my forehead. He starts rubbing my arms to calm me down. "How about you lay Willow down and we go talk this out, ok?"
"Okay," I say, and step over to Willow's crib. I stare down at the empty place next to her favorite stuffed elephant where she rests, but I can't bring myself to let go of her. I turn around and look at Peeta glumly, "I can't lay her down."
"Honey, you need to."
"Can't she sleep with us tonight?"
"No, she'll get used to it and expect to sleep in our bed every night. It will take us forever to break that habit."
"I just wanna snuggle her all night," I frown with a pouty lip, genuinely sad.
"I'll cuddle you," Peeta says with a hopeful looking, sympathetic pout.
"I need you to come physically remove her from my arms and put her in her bed. I can't do it."
Peeta walks over and delicately takes Willow away from me. Her little hand still has a grip on my shirt which pulls the fabric away from my skin. He slides his finger into her palm causing her to let go of the material. He kisses her temple once she's laying in his arms and then holds her out for me to kiss her goodnight, too. He leans over the railing of her crib and gets her tucked in under her thin summer blanket before standing up straight again. His eyes linger on Willow's sleeping form for a few seconds and when he turns around the look on his face reflects my posture: I'm hunched over with my arms crossed in front of me as if I was giving myself a hug, sniffling as I hold back tears.
Peeta steps in front of me, unravels my arms, and takes one of my hands in his and intertwines our fingers. He wraps an arm around my waist and guides me out of Willow's nursery, takes me back downstairs, and commands me to sit and finish eating my dinner.
"What are we gonna do?" I ask after a several minutes of complete silence as poke at my food.
"You really think you could be pregnant?"
I nod.
"Are you angry?" I ask, the pressure behind making a reappearance.
"Of course not," he says, sympathetically, reaching out to take my hand. "Katniss, I don't want you to think that I did this on purpose—"
"This isn't your fault," I interrupt him. "It's mine. I made you keep going. I should've let you stop, and we shouldn't have done it a second time unprotected. We took a risk, a-and... I don't know. I just feel really guilty. I feel like my body has betrayed me even though it did exactly what it's supposed to."
"First of all," Peeta says, getting out of his chair and coming over to crouch down in front of me. "You're not even one-hundred percent certain that you're pregnant. Secondly, there's no fault when it comes to creating life," he puts a hand on my lower abdomen. "Any child of ours you should bear is a gift. It's part of you and part of me... it took two of us to create our baby sleeping upstairs, it took two of us to make this one that may or may not be lying in your belly."
"I'm not ready for another baby."
"That's alright."
"I really need to take a test. I need to know. Tonight."
"Do you have any left?"
"I don't know," I look down at my lap. Peeta's hand hasn't left my stomach. "Peeta, I don't know what I'll do if it comes back positive."
"I hope that you'll be excited because I will be over the moon, and if you aren't I'll bring down my enthusiasm some and help you see the good that can come from having a second child."
"Willow won't even be two by the time the baby comes," I cry. "She's about to start walking... It's gonna be so hard to chase after her with a huge belly."
"I'll be here to help you."
I shake my head, "You have the bakery, I couldn't pull you away from that."
"You are getting yourself all worked up over nothing," Peeta says.
"It isn't nothing... I can feel the change occurring in my body."
"If you are pregnant, you'd have about six more months before you'd really start getting big and worn out. In your last two months I could spend a few days a week at home and take Wills with me to the bakery on the others."
"She'd just distract you."
"She's my daughter, of course she's going to distract me. You distract me," Peeta chuckles. "She'll be fine, you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because of a very secret project I haven't told you about. I was saving it for her birthday, but now is a perfect time to tell you," he says. "I'm having a special room built for Willow to play in when she does come spend the day at the bakery."
"You are?"
"Yeah, I want you guys to be able to get out of the house more and there really isn't a space for her there yet. You use my office most of the time, she needs to have her own spot as well."
"That's perfect, Peeta."
"We've got the room built, and there's plenty of space that I can add a crib for this new baby... if there is one that is."
"We could make this work?"
"We could make it work," Peeta assures me.
"I think I'm ready to take that test now," I tell him, shakily.
"I'll clean up down here if you want to go search for any that we might have left."
"You'll come up when I take the test?"
"If you want me there, I'll be there."
He stands, allowing me to do the same. He gives me a kiss for confidence, and I head up the stairs and into our bathroom. I crotch down and dig through the cabinets underneath the sink. My eyes are desperately searching for the pink and white box containing the pregnancy tests I remember Dr. Roman giving me. When I come up empty handed, I remember that I had ran out of them and had been using the faulty ones from the hob. I close the cabinets angrily because I know this means I have to go see Dr. Roman about this and I know I'm going to get a lecture about not giving my body the eighteen months it needs to fully recover from a pregnancy before conceiving again.
I sit on the bathroom floor, leaning against the cabinet doors. I pull my knees to my chest and I let out every sob I've been holding back. I don't know why I'm so upset about this— why I'm so against having another baby. Peeta will be without a doubt elated to have another daughter or a son. Willow would have a friend to play with, which is something I wish so much for her to have, but I just don't want another baby and I can't explain why.
When I hear Peeta's footsteps in the hallway outside our room, I quickly pull myself together. I wipe the tears off my cheeks with the sleeves of my shirt and clear my throat. I stand up and walk out to meet him in our bedroom.
"So?" he asks.
"I'm gonna need to go see Dr. Roman," I tell him.
"It's postiive?"
"No, I don't have any left."
He frowns.
"It's alright," I tell him, almost trying to convince myself. "It'll give me at least the night, if not a couple of days, to fully prepare myself for the results."
"I'm sorry," Peeta says, still frowning, and pulls me into a hug. "I'm at a loss for words. Usually I have something to say. I wanna tell you to stay positive, but I know that won't work."
"It's ok," I say, squeezing him tight before pulling away from him. "I'm gonna try and catch Dr. Roman's office before they close for the night."
I give Peeta a gentle, everyday kiss— the ones you share out of routine— and head downstairs to use the phone in the study.
"Hey," Peeta calls out, stopping me before I get too far away. "I love you."
I smile, happily, "I love you, too."
"Everything is going to be just fine."
I simply nod and take the rest of my journey down the steps.
When I get inside the study, I quietly close the door behind me. I take a seat behind the desk, take the phone off the hook, and dial Dr. Roman's office. Oddly enough, I still have the phone number memorized. I hold the phone up to my ear and listen to it ring until someone picks up on the other end.
"Hello, Dr. Roman's Obstetrics Office. How may I help you?"
"Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Roman's and I was wondering if she had any available appointments?"
"Name?"
"Katniss Everdeen," I say.
"Katniss?" the voice says. "It's Dr. Roman."
"Oh, hi," I say, unenthusiastically.
"What do you need to come in for? My last appointment canceled and I was calling tomorrow's patients to see if they wanted to come in now instead."
I go to tell her that I think I'm pregnant but all that manages to escape my mouth is the sound that comes with really intense cries.
"Is everything okay?"
After a minute or two of just my crying, I sniffle, "Yeah, can I just come in and we can talk? I can be there in 15 minutes."
"Of course. But, it would be helpful if I knew what you would wanting to be seen for."
"I don't want a lecture over the phone," I say.
"I promise not to say anything until you come in."
"I think I'm pregnant," I admit. "But I don't have any of those fucking pregnant tests, and don't you dare say congratulations."
"I'll have a box of pregnancy tests waiting for you," Dr. Roman says. "I'll see you in 15 minutes."
"Thank you," I say, sadly. "I'll hurry."
"No rush. I'll be at the office late anyway trying to catch up on charts."
"Okay."
"Take a deep breath. I'm sure everything is just peachy."
We exchange goodbyes and hang up. I deep a breath and exhale it audibly. I roll back my shoulders a couple times and try to loosen up my body, hoping it will remove some of the negativity from my soul before I go up to tell Peeta I'm leaving for an appointment.
"Shit," I curse under my breath.
Peeta.
I didn't even realize that if I went right now he wouldn't be able to come with me. Willow is sleeping and because someone needs to stay with her, and I need to go, he'd have to be the one to stay. I can't go without him, though. I need him. And if I am pregnant, I don't him to miss this.
"How'd it go? Did you get in?" Peeta asks when I walk in to our bedroom. He's sitting in bed, shirtless and under the covers, sketching in his art pad. He's already gotten ready for bed.
"Uh, yeah," I say. "Um... her last appointment of the day canceled so she can get me in right now."
"Oh," he says, setting his sketch book in his lap.
"I can reschedule if you want to come with me."
"No, it's alright. Your mind won't be settled until you have the answers you need."
"Maybe we can ask Raven to come over?"
"She's got the stomach flu."
"Dean and his wife?"
"Willow doesn't know them that well."
"She'll be asleep," I remind him.
"But what if she wakes up yelling for you again?"
"I—"
"Katniss, it's fine. Just go without me."
"I'm really sorry," I apologize. "I wasn't thinking."
"You don't have to apologize."
"What about Haymitch?" I offer.
"You feel comfortable with that?"
I shrug my shoulders, "He did a great job when he watched her the last time."
"It's fine with me if you're sure you're alright with it."
"Yeah."
"Okay, then," Peeta says, putting his sketch book on his nightstand, "I'll put clothes back on," he laughs, nervously.
"Wait... what are we gonna tell Haymitch?"
"Just tell him you're sick and I need to take you to the doctor."
"You think he'll believe it?"
"It's Haymitch," Peeta says.
"True," I say. "I'll go get him and be right back."
"Okay, I'll check on Wills and meet you outside?"
"Sure."
I go back downstairs and put my shoes on. I unlock the deadbolt, open up the front door, and walk across the lawn to Haymitch's house. I knock on his door a few times before stepping back to wait for him to come to the door. Soon, a lot faster than I was expecting, he opens the door.
"Jeez, sweetheart," he says. "You look like shit."
"Thanks," I bite.
"What's up?"
"I'm not feeling well so Peeta is gonna take me to the doctor, can you watch Willow for us?"
"Yeah, I can do that," he says. "You know, I'll watch that little rugrat for you anytime. She's such a monkey! I love when she—"
"That's great, Haymitch," I interrupt him. "We're kinda on a time crunch here, so could you grab what you need and come over?"
"Yeah, let me just grab my keys to lock up."
"Thank you."
He disappears for a minute, leaving his door wide open, but returns shortly with his keys in his hand.
"She's asleep, so it should be pretty easy. Um," I say, racking my brain to figure out what I need to tell him. "She ate about thirty minutes ago so she should be fine until the morning, and we shouldn't be gone for more than an hour. You're welcome to anything in the house. There's plenty of leftovers from dinner in the fridge if you get hungry. If for some reason she wakes up crying and screaming for Peeta or I, give her about fifteen minutes to fall back asleep on her own before you go investigate. If she's still crying after those fifteen minutes, you can bring her downstairs to play for a bit to calm her down, but no more than half an hour, then take her upstairs and rock her back to sleep."
"Ok," he says, nodding.
We walk up the steps to the front porch of Peeta and I's house.
"If she doesn't go down easily, feel free to grab a bottle from the fridge but make sure you warm it up before you give it to her. You remember how to do that, right?"
"Yeah."
"Good," I say, and that's when Peeta comes outside. "Do you have any questions?"
"Nope."
"Thank you, Haymitch," Peeta says. "We appreciate it."
"Anytime."
"Here's the baby monitor," Peeta says, handing him the hand held machine. "You shouldn't have any problems, she's out cold."
"She's a good little girl," Haymitch smiles.
"We'll be back in about an hour," I say.
"Take your time," he says, and goes inside.
"Ready?" Peeta asks me.
"As I'll ever be."
"It's gonna be ok," he says, taking my hand.
I intertwine our fingers, "I know."
Along our journey, Peeta and I talk about our days since we didn't really get the chance to do that after he got home. Peeta tells me about the cakes he's decorating at the bakery and catches me up on the lives of the staff, and I tell him about the things Willow and I did today. I tell him about how Willow stood up without the support of any furniture or anything, preparing to take her first steps. And then the conversation dulls until the Dr. Roman's office is in sight.
"Peeta, if i'm not pregnant you're not touching me for a really long time," I speak up. "And I really mean it this time."
"I can't even do this to you," he leans in and whispers something really dirty in my ear, making me blush.
"I guess, that's fine," I giggle before getting serious again. "But nothing that could result in me getting pregnant. No sex," I scold him, pointing my finger at him. "For at least a year."
"But what about our anniversary?"
"No sex," I emphasize.
"Not even if I wrap it up and pull out?"
I shake my head. "I'm not taking any chances."
Peeta groans and I shoot him a glare.
"I guess it's fair. I mean, you didn't rule out everything sexual all together."
"Exactly."
"Is it bad that more of me wishes you were pregnant just so I can fuck you? That's all I wanna do right now. I wanna be inside you."
"That's exactly how we got into this situation in the first place!"
"You were the one who instigated things from what I remember."
"You initiated our first round," I defend myself.
"No, I didn't," he playfully protests.
"Did too! You were feeding me chocolate covered strawberries and staring at my lips and then you kissed me... quite passionately, and the next thing I knew I was on my back with my legs up in the air."
"I was just going to play around, but you took off your bra," he says.
"You were the one who tried that new position. I swear, that's the move that did it," I laugh.
"Maybe we're both to blame for our first round, but you for sure started our second round."
"See, the fact that we're fighting about who's fault our having sex was shows that we have a problem. We need to slow down. We need to enjoy Willow's childhood while it's still there, and while she's still innocent. She'll be sixteen in the blink of an eye."
"I will contain myself, but you have to do the same."
"Whatever," I roll my eyes.
"I mean it," he stops in his tracks. "I honestly can say that there's been more than one time where I've said we should stop and you've encouraged me to keep going."
"Are you trying to blame me for this?"
"Of course not! I'm just saying that you have to stick to our deal as well. If you say no sex for a year that mean no sex for a year. You can't change your mind one night."
"I won't."
"That's all I'm asking because if you give me permission to go further I don't think I'll be able to stop myself... have you seen how hot my wife is?"
We continue walking the last few yards to the doctor's office in silence. Dr. Roman is sitting at the front desk waiting for us when we arrive.
"Hey, guys," she greets cheerfully. "Didn't expect to see you guys here again so soon."
I roll my eyes, knowing that was a dig at how we haven't exactly waited the 'proper' amount of time between pregnancies.
"We didn't expect it either," Peeta says.
"You ready to see if we've got another one cooking?"
"Please," I say, sounding like more of a plead than anything else.
She comes out from behind the desk and wraps and arm around my shoulders.
"Let's get you to a room then," she say, rubbing my shoulder. "You coming with us, Mr. Mellark?"
"Yeah, and please... call me Peeta."
"Right," she nods. "So, how's my miracle baby? Cutest baby I've delivered to date."
"She's beautiful. Looks just like her mama," Peeta says.
I shake my head, "She actually looks just like her father, she just has my hair and nose."
"She's not a year old yet, is she?"
"Two weeks from today," I answer.
"Goodness. I'm going to have to sneak into her one year check up aren't' I?"
"That would be nice," I say, perking up the tiniest bit.
Dr. Roman smiles and motions is into an empty exam room.
"Peeta, go ahead and take a seat in one of those chairs. Katniss, up on the exam table. Who am I kidding, you guys know the drill," she laughs. "So, tell me your symptoms... what makes you think you're pregnant?"
"I'm late, mainly. I feel different, my body is telling me something is changing but I can't put my finger on it. My boobs hurt more than usual. I've this cramp that I can't shake. I'm kinda nauseous, but it isn't anything terrible— just annoying. I've visited the bathroom quite a lot recently, too. Most of the time I don't go, but I always feel like I have to."
"You didn't tell me all that," Peeta says.
"They didn't become obvious until I started thinking about it," I say.
"When was your last menstrual cycle?" Dr. Roman asks, taking some notes.
"Two months ago," I shrug my shoulders.
"And when was the last time you had sexual intercourse?"
"A month and a half ago."
"Did you use protection?"
"No," I say,looking down at my lap ashamed.
"Have you been having regular unprotected sex?"
"No," I say, defensively.
"Sorry," Dr. Roman apologizes. "These questions can get pretty personal, you know that."
"I know," I adjust the way I'm sitting, starting to feel a little awkward.
"Let's get you to take a pregnancy test before I do a blood drawl. Go ahead and hop off the table, take this test into the bathroom there and come on out once you're finished," Dr. Roman says, handing me one of the tests and pointing a partially opened door connected to the exam room.
I take the test from her and go into the bathroom to do my business. It takes a minute for me to actually pee because I know both Dr. Roman and Peeta are sitting right outside the door waiting for me to do this. No pressure, right? Once I've urinated enough to get accurate results, I set the test on the counter and wash my hands. I pick up the piece of plastic that's about to determine my future as a mother before going back out to the room. I hand the pregnancy test over to Dr. Roman and the three of us make small talk while we wait for the medical device to determine if I'm pregnant or not.
As we talk Dr. Roman periodically checks her watch, probably to keep track of time. I turn to look at Peeta who flashes me a reassuring smile before standing up to come over and hold my hand. I give him a kiss once he gets close enough and when we pull away I see Dr. Roman pick up the test and look at the results.
She nods and looks back down at her notes, and I immediately know that means I'm pregnant. I face Peeta and rest my forehead against his chest wanting to cry. He takes the hand that isn't gripped onto mine and rubs my back.
"It's negative," Dr. Roman says.
"What?" I ask, taken aback.
"Now, if I remember correctly, last time you were pregnant you had a negative result but you were using a faulty test."
"Yeah," I confrom.
"You think she might actually be pregnant this time, too?" Peeta asks.
"No, well, maybe," Dr. Roman says. "We never did a urination test here. She had her blood drawn to confirm her last pregnancy so this test could be accurate."
"Test my blood then," I say, holding out my arm, ready to go. "I need to know for sure. I need you to be certain when you tell me I am pregnant or not."
"I don't think that's necessary," Dr. Roman says. "Katniss, the tests I have are so far advanced they're almost 100 percent always right. The only time they've been wrong is when a mom comes to me and isn't even five weeks pregnant yet. It's too soon for the test to pick it up. You'd be about eight weeks, this test would pick it up."
"So, then I'm not pregnant."
"You're not pregnant," she says and I feel relieved, but I see Peeta's posture sink a bit and his whole demeanor changes. "Now, if you want to I can do a blood test and call you with the results just so you have that extra confirmation?"
"Please."
"Ok, I'll do that, but first I want to get to the reason why you're experiencing these symptoms," Dr. Roman says.
"What do you mean?"
"I think you might have a UTI, but that wouldn't cause a delayed period, so I think that you might've actually had a UTI but didn't catch it and it's developed into a kidney infection."
"Is that serious?" Peeta asks.
"Not necessarily, it depends on the case. Katniss' doesn't seem to be too bad so we can prescribe her an antibiotic to clear it up and everything should heal up nicely. Do you still have to pee by chance, Katniss?"
"Yeah, kinda."
"I just need enough to be able to run a culture."
She gives me a small plastic looking cup with a lid, and gives me instructions on how to pee in the cup before sending me back into the bathroom. I come back out once I'm finished and she sends my urine sample off for testing. While we wait for the results she wants to ask me some more personal questions that can help her diagnose the infection.
"Some of these are gonna be really personal, but I need you to be honest with me."
I nod.
"Do you remember to urinate after sex?" she asks.
"Yeah," I say. "It's not always right away. I've forgot a time or two and fell asleep before I could."
"You need to try and remember to do it all the time. It doesn't have to be right after you finish but don't wait for more than two or three hours. Where do you usually have sex? The bed? Floor? Couch? Shower, or bathtub?"
"The bed," I say, awkwardly. "Sometimes the couch or the shower, but we don't have sex all the time. We haven't had sex since the last time a month and a half ago, and the time before that was over eight months prior to that."
"If we had sex outside," Peeta starts, my eyes grow wide and I feel my face turn red, "could that have led to this?"
"Certainly. There's all kinds of bacteria that could have been picked up during the act that could have led to her infection."
"Oh my," I mumble and I feel myself sink down in my spot on the exam table.
"Why do you ask?" Dr. Roman asks.
"Katniss and I had a picnic—"
"Peeta!" I stop him. "Please."
Just then there's a knock at the door, it's a nurse with my results.
"Yep, just as I thought," Dr. Roman says, looking over them. "You have an infection. I'm going to grab you some antibiotics and I'll be right back."
Peeta and I don't say anything, we just watch Dr. Roman leave the room.
I turn to face him and I see a hint of disappointment on his face.
"I'm sorry, Peeta. I know how much you wanted this," I frown.
"Don't be," he say, tucking some hair behind my ear.
He smiles and kisses my forehead.
"Don't think I'm upset with you," he adds. "I'm sorry, you have this infection."
"It's ok. I didn't even notice it," I say. "Like I said, I had no idea about any of these symptoms until you prompted me to think about being pregnant."
"I can't believe you were feeling all that and didn't tell me any of it."
"I've been so exhausted taking care of Willow that I don't remember what I do and don't say anymore," I lightly laugh. "You know, as much as I didn't want to be, I still feel a little disappointed I'm not pregnant."
"We'll have another child when the time is right. When we're both ready," he assures me, pulling me into his arms.
It's here that I feel completely and totally safe and content.
Peeta kisses the top of my head.
"I love you," I tell him.
"I love you, too," Peeta replies, looking right into my eyes. "So much."