Summary: The one with the visit
TWELVE
With every passing day, my heart ached less. Sawyer had disappeared from my life and I had never felt so weightless. All those days and nights spent agonizing over what happened seemed silly now when the answer was so simple. I hadn't been much time since we had officially broken up, but we had ended long before that. Before she had even gone to Europe. There were days that I missed her like crazy and then there were days where she didn't cross my mind at all. I was trying my hardest to let her go and be happy, but sometimes it was difficult. I would still find things of hers scattered around my room: a notebook, a t-shirt, an old ratty headband. Whenever I found her things, a dull ache would spread through my chest at the thought of what we used to be. Some days I couldn't stand to be in my room by myself with all the memories of Sawyer haunting my mind. Today was one of those days.
I was curled up on the couch in the living room the TV playing mindlessly in front of me. The breeze blew through the open windows moving the stale warm air in the house. Usually by this time of year the heat from the summer was dissipating leaving a cool temperature in its wake, but it was slightly alarming how warm it was outside considering it was mid-september. Even being dressed in shorts and a tank top was too much. My parents didn't really let us use the air conditioner this late in the year, I was left to suffer through this odd heat.
I was deeply relaxed into the the couch when I heard the stairs squeak behind me as someone descended. I turned to look, peeling my eyes away from whatever TV show was playing. Charlie smiled sleepily, before shuffling into the kitchen. Peering at the clock, I realized that was past noon, and it wasn't like Charlie to have been sleeping this late. I shrugged, thinking nothing much of it.
Eventually, the smell of coffee wafted through the house and Charlie came over to the couch with the mug of the dark liquid in her hand. I watched her carefully sit on the couch next to me and sip her drink. She uncomfortably tugged at her long sleeve shirt, tucking herself in the corner. It was interesting to see her so fully dressed when the temperature was rather warm. I wanted to comment on it, but she spoke up first, directing my thoughts in another direction.
"I didn't have the chance to ask you, but what was Sawyer doing here the other day?" Charlie said lifting the coffee up to her lips again.
"Oh, um," I stuttered over my words, "I was being an idiot and thought it was a good idea."
"I'm assuming it went badly?" She prodded.
"Yeah, we got into a huge fight, and turns out she cheated on me twice, actually." I shook my head in disgust and shame. "I honestly don't know why it took me so long to break up with her."
"You loved her, it's understandable. I'm not happy with what she did to you though," Charlie grumbled. "She deserves a swift kick in the butt for the pain she caused you."
"That's definitely the nice way of putting it, Charlie," I chuckled. We sat in silence for a moment listening to the infomercial that played through the speakers of the TV. The narrator went on about the various side effects of a drug. My eyes drifted to Charlie, who was tucked so tightly into herself I thought she might just disappear. The voice on the TV kept listing more side effects:
"Kidney failure, heart problems, suicidal thoughts," The voice droned on. Charlie casted her eyes downward. "If any of these symptoms appear contact your doctor immediately."
Charlie had been increasingly distant lately. She wouldn't talk much in the mornings, not even when our mom was berating us about being better and working harder. Normally, she would pipe up and talk about what her current amazing news was. But she spoke less and less. She no longer was trying to win mom over. I didn't think much of it, I figured she got tired of sucking up like I did. Maybe there was something more behind it. I wanted to ask desperately.
"Are you going to tell mom and dad?" Charlie asked, once again turning things back toward me.
"I should, but I don't have the guts to yet. They think so highly of her and it makes them so proud of me in turn, I don't know if I can handle the crushing looks of disappointment I'll get." Charlie nodded in understanding.
"They may not take it well, you're right," Charlie said. "But you should tell them soon, before they find out. Mom has a knack for finding things out."
"Yeah, mom really does," I agreed.
"Mom does what?" Charlie and I whipped our heads toward the front door where our mother stood. She closed the door behind her and stepped into the living room. Her brown hair was knotted up into a bun on the top of her head, dark bags sat under her dull green eyes that were looking at Charlie and I with such scrutiny I had almost run to hide. "What are you two doing? It's a Sunday afternoon and you're lazing around the house?"
"We were just relaxing, mom," I said biting the anger back.
"You should be doing your homework." She set her work bag on the floor and then put her hands on her hips. "You girls are never going to get anywhere with this horrible work ethic you have."
"I finished my homework for tomorrow," Charlie spoke up softly. Her hands trembled slightly making the contents of the coffee mug splash onto her sleeves.
"Oh? Well then you should be working on your homework for the rest of the week," Our mother said shaking her head disapprovingly. "I expect better from you, Charlotte. And you, Emery, stop rubbing off on your sister. Your lazy work habits are going to slow her down." With that, our mother left the living room in a huff.
"Don't take it to heart, Charlie. She must've had a bad shift," I tried to reassure her with a hand on her knee. She pushed me away and got up quickly disappearing upstairs without another word. Sighing, I sunk further into the couch. It was naive of me to think I could have a nice day without any drama. I needed to get out of this house and away from my family.
I bolted up to my room and threw on clothes. There had been so much drama going on in my life that I hadn't stop to apologize to the one person who I had wronged. I had been carrying guilt for what I did, and I needed her to know.
***
"I was surprised to get your call, Emery," Eliza said leading me through the weaving halls of her dormitory. I was on the Ardsford University campus, hopefully far away from anywhere my father might be. Granted, he probably wouldn't be in a dorm, but I was paranoid that he would find me and wonder what I was doing here. It wasn't logical, I just didn't like my parents all in my business, and they aren't very proud of my work at Barks N' Recreation's, so I doubt they would want to meet my coworker.
"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you," I said. Eliza opened the door to her room and ushered me in. It was cozy one person room, the walls were covered in pictures and a handful of little posters of bands and scenery. Her bed was low to the floor with red bedding and fluffy pillows that looked inviting. I wanted to sink into the bed so badly and curl up. But I stayed rooted in the middle of the room.
"You can make yourself comfortable, Emery, I don't bite," Eliza said with a smirk, "Much." Heat rose to my face at the memory of the bites she laid on my body. She laid down on her bed casually looking at me with a twinkle in her eye.
"I, uh..." I stuttered. "I'm not here for that, Eliza." Sitting down at Eliza's desk, I dropped my head into my hand with a heavy sigh. I hadn't anticipated the difficulty of this conversation. It wasn't so much that I had to apologize, that part would be easy. I wasn't ready for how challenging it would be not to succumb to my primal desires. It felt great to be with Eliza in a sexual way, she was kind and attentive, but also knew what she wanted. But I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her as a friend. I shouldn't have overstepped that boundary because there may be no going back.
"What's going through your mind, Emery?" Eliza sat up, the playful expression wiped clean from her face. Another hefty sigh slipped from between my lips.
"So much," I muttered. "I wanna apologize, I should never have used you for sex to make myself feel better. It was a lame attempt at getting back at my ex-girlfriend." My shoulders tensed waiting for Eliza's response.
"Oh, don't worry about it. I gave you that offer knowing full well what I was getting myself into," Eliza smiled at me reassuringly. "I mean, you're beautiful, Emery. I would be a fool not to think that, but I knew that having sex with you wasn't going to lead to anything. I didn't mind, but I certainly enjoyed it."
"Really?" I looked up at her hopefully.
"Really." The weight of the guilt lifted off my shoulders, loosening its grip around my stomach, its claws retracting from my lungs; everything felt easier.
"I'm glad," I said.
"Is there anything else you came here for?" Eliza inquired.
"Oh, yeah, um, I just needed someone to talk to. About everything." She raised her eyebrow in question. "Don't get me wrong, my friends are great, but sometimes I need an outside perspective. I--I mean, that is if you want to listen." I gazed intently at my hands in my lap as they fiddled with each other nervously. Eliza appeared in front me on her knees trying to get into my line of sight.
"I'm all ears, but," She said gently, "come get on the bed with me, there's nothing comforting about being alone." I nodded slowly before climbing up onto her bed and Eliza followed suit. I started far away from her, but as we talked more, I moved closer finding solace in the calming sensation she emitted. There was nothing romantic or sexual about the situation. But it was nice knowing that she was there and willing to listen. Carmilla and Aurora can only do so much, there comes a point when even they get tired of listening to the same things over again. I couldn't bare to constantly weigh them down with my own issues everyday.
Eliza, she was different. She had a whole new view of everything: Sawyer, the fights with my mom, my lack of a concrete plan for my future, and the ever confusing puzzle that was Violet. Throughout the entire time I talked, she listened quietly. When I finished she looked at me thoughtfully, not like I was going to break or that I was a fool, but like I was normal. And seeing that made me feel better.
"You know, even if I was upset about being used for sex, I would have changed my mind after that story," Eliza said. "You've been through a lot, Emery. Honestly? I'm surprised at how well you're doing all things considered. You're stronger than you think, I hope you know that."
"Thank you," I murmured.
"You did the right thing with Sawyer, that closure was necessary. Stand by your decision because only you know what you need. Others might try to push you in the direction that believe to be best for you, but it's your life, Emery. Remember that," She said looking me in the eye.
"I'll try," I answered. The next words she spoke stayed with me on my drive home and long after. They made me feel human, like nothing I had told her was all that bad. I felt content in my decisions, especially the one that led me to Eliza today.
She looked at me with such intensity before I left and said, "You don't have to have it all figure it out. People make mistakes. You're going to stumble, fall, and lose your way, Emery. But you're going to find yourself in all those wrong turns and tumbles." Her words stuck with me on my drive home, filling the space in my mind that was full of doubt and guilt for everything I had done. I had started the summer feeling lost, confused, and mostly alone. But somewhere along this odd journey, that I knew wasn't nearly over, I had begun to pick up small pieces of myself. It was one step closer to being okay, and that had to count for something.