an: so i rewrote this and it's alllll different. you guys know me by now so you know updates are sporadic. however, I've had this sitting in my drive for a year and really wanted to put this out so read if you dare
//
She is eighteen, a freshman in college, when Lauren Jauregui first approaches her. She's kind of a big deal on campus, and Camila knows that.
The transition from high school to college isn't smooth for her and Camila hadn't anticipated it to be. She has always been the girl to keep a low profile, not one to draw attention to herself.
So it's understandable when she hesitates to respond to Lauren's request of dinner at some fancy restaurant near campus. She's never been on a date unless you count going to senior prom with one of her friends as one. But she doesn't really think that counts.
She ends up politely rejecting Lauren's proposal and Lauren asks her if it's because she's straight. Camila ponders the question for a moment, never considering that playing a part in her refusal. Although she's never been in a relationship, she has found herself being attracted to others, not really limiting herself to the male population.
So she tells Lauren that. Which she sort of thinks is a mistake because the girl takes that as a challenge. She goes out of her way to to walk her to one of her lecture halls even though it's completely in the opposite direction of her own class. It's sweet and Camila begins to become accustomed to Lauren's presence in her life.
The raven-haired girl doesn't ask Camila out again until one night when they run into each other on campus and Lauren decides to walk her back to her dorm at The Hill, UCLA's student housing.
"Which hall do you live in?" Camila questions because she realizes it has never come up. Her hands are in her pockets as she watches the campus' excitement deflate and students travel to their living quarters.
Lauren flashes her a knowing smile as she shrugs and says, "I don't live in a residence hall."
"So, where do you live? Off campus?"
Lauren bites her bottom lip, suppressing a smile as they arrive at the tall, high-rise building. Camila despises that she finds the expression so adorable on the girl and diverts her gaze to the doors of her dormitory.
Not a moment later and she feels soft fingers grasp her chin and force her to focus on Lauren's gorgeous emerald eyes.
"How about you let me take you out on that date and I'll consider letting you see where I live?" It's a force of habit for Lauren's mannerisms to be perceived as suggestive by Camila, so when she scoffs and begins walking away, Lauren knows that's the problem.
"Hey, wait." Lauren catches her wrist and hurries to make eye contact again. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Really, Lauren? Because I try to ignore the gossip traveling around campus but it's difficult when my name gets caught in it. I've heard plenty of rumors about me being your new fascination. I don't want that and I thought I made that clear."
Lauren scowls, irritation present in her expression. "It's unfair of you to judge my intentions based on stupid fucking gossip. I've been polite and respectful toward you, quietly pursuing you in a way I thought you'd appreciate."
Camila lowers her gaze as she processes Lauren's words. The girl is right and she feels the guilt seep in. It's her turn to grab the other girl's wrist as she attempts to walk away.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have judged you. I promise to keep my opinions of you restricted to our interactions. I really hope that date is still on the table."
//
It's weeks later when Lauren asks Camila to be her girlfriend. Things between them are smooth sailing, yet mild. Camila can't help but to think that's for her own sake. Lauren keeps her hands in respectful places when they're lying on the couch, making out, in Lauren's suite (she definitely didn't occupy a residence hall). And even then, it's ephemeral and before Camila knows it, Lauren's off of her and asking if she'd like to watch a movie.
It's the first of May, when Camila's considered the best girlfriend ever and attends Lauren's first PAC-12 game against the University of Southern California. She's given the exclusive title because college basketball is not always known for its ability to entertain. It's boring, and California is already so freaking hot yet there Camila is in her blue and yellow UCLA Bruins t-shirt and cap in the crowded Galen Center with Lauren's jersey number painted in blue on her cheek.
Camila wanders around the USC campus while she allows Lauren the chance to be congratulated for being named the game's MVP, along for an overall win for the Bruins.
The campus is beautiful and Camila falls in love with it just as she did when she traveled all the way across the country to visit the UCLA campus. It's her first choice for grad school when she graduates. Their athletic training program is extensive and one of the best in the country. How could she not fall in love with it?
"Hey, short stuff." A husky voice fills her ears as arms encircle her waist. She doesn't have to turn around to know who it is. "Thank you for coming today. I know these games aren't the most engaging but you're here to support me anyway and I love you for it."
It's said with such ease yet it warms Camila to her fingertips. It's the first time Lauren ever tells her she loves her, and it's not hard to come up with a response, because she feels the same.
"I am where I'm supposed to be." She turns around and places a chaste kiss on the unsuspecting mouth before her. "And I love you."
//
She's 20 when Lauren experiences her first serious injury. Camila has advised her numerously not to push herself too hard but the suggestion fell upon deaf ears. Lauren brushed it off, kissed her quickly and told her she'd be fine.
It isn't until she gets a call from Keana, one of Lauren's best friends, that she finds out that Lauren's injury is achilles tendonitis. As someone that is currently studying causations of sports injuries, Camila knows a little bit about what may have irritated the tendon in Lauren's calf muscle and can't help but to think I told you so. Though, she would never say it aloud.
She makes her way to the Hitch Suites and lets herself into Lauren's. She honestly doesn't think she'll get over just how beautiful UCLA's on-campus apartments are. She spends most of her time in Lauren's and contemplates moving into her own from time to time, but with the financial responsibilities she already has, she thinks the residence hall will suffice for now.
"Lo," she calls out but doesn't receive a response. She knows Lauren is beating herself up right now and isn't going to be in the best of moods.
She stops to remove her shoes and hears the low volume of the television in the living room, hinting at Lauren's presence. She quietly ambles toward the room and sees Lauren lying on the sofa, poker face apparent, while aimlessly flicking through the channels.
As she approaches, Lauren opens her mouth to speak. "It's an overuse injury. I was running longer distances too frequently, changing my routine too quickly, not stretching properly, et cetera. Everything you said not to do."
"I know, superstar." Camila sympathizes and immediately springs into action. She motions for Lauren to rearrange her position so that she is lying the length of the sofa. She gently places a pillow underneath the injured leg so that it's elevated and causing Lauren the least amount of pain.
"But it's okay because we're going to get you back on track."
"Camila, Coach benched me for two fucking weeks. Playing athletic trainer with me isn't going to change that," Lauren growls and tosses the remote control onto the floor. "I just can't fucking believe this."
"Hey, look at me." When the girl doesn't comply, Camila grabs her chin and looks straight into that emerald gaze. "When you asked me to be your girlfriend, you asked me to be there for you, to support you, to love you, everything that goes unsaid in a relationship but is mutually understood. I intend to do just that, whether you like my techniques or not."
Lauren lowers her gaze.
"I'm not 'playing athletic trainer' with you and it's quite offensive that you might think that I take you for some type of guinea pig. I love you and I'm still going to love you even when you're being an ass because I've come to accept that that's a part of you that you sometimes can't control. So the guilt you're feeling now? I don't want an apology for it because I know your anger has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the fact that you're upset with yourself. Everything's going to be okay, alright?"
Lauren nods slowly and parts her lips to say, "Alright."
//
And everything is alright until Lauren does get out of the funk the injury forced her in and begins to play better than the west coast has seen in awhile, feeling herself a lot more with all the eyes on her. She's a gamemaker, a crowd favorite, and the name Lauren Jauregui gets spread around so quickly that she gets noticed beyond campus lines. A little too much for Camila's liking.
"Camz, are you going to come to the party with me tonight?" Lauren steps into her bedroom, towel wrapped around her body, letting the mist from her long, hot shower dissipate into the room.
"So I can watch various people come onto you while I stand right there? I'll pass." Camila rolls her eyes and watches as Lauren sheds her towel away, making it difficult for Camila to focus on what she's supposed to be doing. "Besides, I have a paper on cardiovascular and renal physiology that's not going to write itself..."
Camila's words wander off as she watches Lauren slip into a black, lace undergarment set. Things between them are still pretty tame and have always been. There are times when Camila wants to question why that is, considering before she and Lauren got together, Lauren was a little on the wild side, but she never knows how to approach the conversation. However, she doesn't think it's healthy for them to just abandon furthering their intimate relationship when it's all Camila wants to do.
Most of the time she chalks it up to it being her fault. Lauren isn't the only one that can initiate a passionate encounter between them but she's never had to do that before and if Lauren's the more experienced between the two, why isn't she taking the reins?
"Why the fuck are you so boring?" Lauren mutters, vexation clear in her tone.
Camila loses her train of thought as her eyebrows arch at Lauren's passive aggressive words. "Excuse me?"
Lauren hastily begins going through her closet, searching for something to wear as she releases her poorly-restrained frustration. "I mean, you get so upset when people flirt with me but is it really their fault? It's not like they ever see me with you enough to know that you're more than just my best friend, or something. The only time we're ever together is when we're at my place watching some stupid movie or one of my games."
"Some stupid movie? Lauren we've been doing movie nights for three years now, three years of us being together, and now they're stupid to you? Now I'm boring?" Camila's expression is incredulous. She and Lauren never have had an argument such as this. As she stated before, everything is always tame.
Lauren chuckles, a nervous lump forming in her throat because this is not how she pictured this conservation going. She turns slowly so that they're facing and says, "Three years too long, I guess."
And that's the icing on the cake for Camila. That one simple sentence obliterates the very little confidence she has ever had in their relationship.
"Lauren..."
"Look, I've tried to hold on for so long. I've tried to force myself to feel things... I just don't feel for you. And I didn't mean for it to come out like this, so abruptly. I blame myself for that. It's just I don't see us together for much longer, Camila." Lauren breathes through her nose as she sees the inevitable tears well up in the sad brown eyes across the room.
Yet, she continues.
"Like I'm standing right here, like this, and it does absolutely nothing for you, to you. That fact has always made me question whether or not I jumped the gun and pursued you before I actually knew what it was I felt for you."
"And what was that, Lauren?" Camila jumps up, hand shaking as she kneads them together, in hopes of calming down the chaotic emotions raging through her veins. "What exactly do you feel for me? Because from this perspective it sounds like you've been forcing yourself to be with someone you never really wanted."
"I did want you. I just, I don't even know, Camila. I guess I formed my own version of you when we first met and—"
"I didn't fulfill your expectations? I'm nothing like the girls you're used to?" Camila's chest heaves erratically as she tries her very best to get herself under control. "Yeah, I know, Lauren. That's nothing new to me. It's a good portion of the reason I was hesitant in even giving you the time of day."
She continues, "And I guess I should've stuck with my first mind because I guess I was just your new fascination. Everything between us was pretty much a mistake to you, like an error on a sheet of paper, something you think you can just erase."
"Camz—" Lauren steps forward but is stopped by Camila's hand and a soft don't that leaves the younger girl's mouth.
The brunette hurries to wipe her fallen tears before she gathers her belongings and places them in her bag. She takes a long look around the room and remembers that some of her clothes are in Lauren's closet, her shampoo in Lauren's shower, her heart clenched roughly in Lauren's hands. And none of it she wants to take back because they're tainted with what is now going to be a bad memory, a harsh impression left on her mind.
So, she leaves it.
She leaves it all.