Part Two: The Aftermath
Three months later...
I lift my head up from the toilet with my stomach still queasy from losing the breakfast I just ate a few minutes ago. "Razor are you okay?" I hear Haley ask through the door.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I yell back as I flush the toilet and get up from the bathroom floor that I seem to have become best friends with.
"Okay, well hurry up I have to finish getting ready for school and you're in the only bathroom." she says trying to sound caring but she really sounds irritated that I'm using her bathroom time in the morning.
"I have to brush my teeth hold on." I yell as I grab my toothbrush from the medicine cabinet squeezing the toothpaste on.
As I brush my teeth I realize I have been spending more time in the bathroom then I used to. Most of the times it is from not being able to hold my food in for very long like this morning. I don't know why when I never used to have this problem before until recently. It's been like this for several weeks but it's probably nothing though just a stomach bug or something. What do I know maybe I'm not eating healthy or it's from my dad's bad cooking? I do know it's not something to dwell on, since when is feeling nauseous something to worry about?
I finish brushing my teeth and open the door seeing an irritated Haley just as I suspected. "Took you long enough." she says rushing passed me.
"Sorry I didn't know I was on a timed schedule." I reply.
"No, but as much as you use the bathroom lately you should be." she says before looking into the mirror and disappearing into her own world like girls usually do when they do their hair and makeup. I don't understand how girls can spend so much time looking at themselves as they get ready. Actually I don't want to know why they do because it's not important. All I know is whoever I do end up with I really hope doesn't spend hours getting ready.
I walk into the living room grabbing my backpack on the couch and putting it on over my shoulders. "Dad I'm leaving for school is it okay if I go to Travis's after?" I shout for my dad to hear from the kitchen.
Instead of shouting back like he always does he actually takes the time to walk out to the living room. "What did you say I couldn't hear you?"
"I'm leaving and I wanted to know if I can go to Travis's after school, so can I?" I ask.
"I don't think you should go I thought you weren't feeling good. Maybe it's best if you stay home from school today." He says genuinely concerned like a parent should be.
"I'll be fine I don't even feel that sick anymore. You don't have to worry I won't kiss anyone and get them sick if that's what you're worried about." I say getting a kick from the expression on his face.
"What?" he asks in a somewhat high pitched tone
"I'm fine dad nothing's wrong with me. I'll see you at seven bye." I reply rushing out of the front door before he can answer. Sometimes my dad worries too much when he doesn't even have to. I think it has to do with him raising us by himself without our mom around. He took over her role too after she died and has been trying to do his best on his own but I know it's still hard.
She's been gone for two years now and I know I'm still not over it. It feels like yesterday she was still alive and we were a happy family. I'm not saying we aren't a happy family now but it just isn't the same without her. My mom made everything better and knew exactly what to do at any moment. My dad well he tries but he can never replace her which is probably why he doesn't date. Thinking about her brings back so many memories it pains me to remember. I try not to think about her but its hard not to. She was the one with all the answers and the person that taught me so much but she's not here anymore and isn't coming back.
I know for sure if she was alive right now I wouldn't have been able to leave to go to school. She would have forced me back into bed and took me to the doctors to find out what was wrong. I would have complained the whole way telling her she was overreacting for even taking me.
I really have to stop worrying because if I don't I'm probably going to convince myself I have some disease I don't. All that's wrong is me being sick unable to keep food in. Other than that I'm fine besides it isn't like no one else ever has this happen to them. I shouldn't worry about some stupid stomach bug when I should be worried over the biology test I have first period that I'm probably going to fail.
***
Lunch break...
The day has been dragging since school started. It always seems like Mondays do that which explains why I hate them so much. Maybe if school started on a Tuesday things would go by quicker and all the teachers wouldn't be in such a bad mood. How can they possibly think forcing us to take a test on a Monday will turn out good? Or that we can even focus on school work when we're still half asleep?
Simple Mondays should be a no school day or at least an easy day without tests since it's the day after the weekend when we actually have a day to rest and not worry about school. I don't know about other people but I'm not trying to do more work on the only two days I have away from school. I guess that's why my grades are average and not the best but it's not like I'm trying to impress anyone. At least half of the day is done and then I can go over to Travis's and hang out and not have to worry about anything. It's about time I do something other than worry.
I walk up the stairs to the cafeteria with the sun shining on my back. The cafeteria at our school is separate from the building our classes are from and it's small but most people sit outside anyway. I'm lucky enough to have a class in the building nearby otherwise I would be stuck in the line waiting forever. Just as I'm about to get to the door to the front of the line a bunch of people cut in before me and I'm left at the end. That figures I knew as soon as I thought I was lucky to be at the front that would happen. I guess it doesn't matter it's not like I'm in a hurry. I am hungry though since I skipped breakfast I just hope I can keep down my lunch today.
As the line starts to move slowly inside I glance to my left and see Lukas sitting at a table by himself. I haven't really talked to him much since the party I don't even know what to say to him. He used to be my best friend but now I don't even think we're friends. I know I screwed up and sounded harsher then I should of after he kissed me but I was shocked. What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to be happy and tell him I love him back?
I don't feel that way towards him and I'm not going to pretend I do or ever will. The thought of liking another guy has never crossed my mind. I'm a guy, I'm straight and I know for sure I'm not gay. I don't know what would give him the idea that I'm gay or even bicurious which I'm not. I never once did anything to make him think that I am. I know I should apologize for the way I acted that night and about ignoring him like the plague at school the first week after it happened but every time I wanted to tell him I was sorry I couldn't do it. I couldn't because I already know our friendship is irreparable and there is no point in trying to say sorry and fix it.
He won't even look at me or try to talk to me when we sit with our friends at lunch. If he does talk to me it's only because he has to and not because he wants to. I ruined a good friendship I had with him since we were kids the worst part about is we still have to see each other every day. We have two classes together and we have the same friends making it more awkward then it already is.
"Dude hurry up," I hear from behind me realizing I'm standing at the front of the line. I grab my school id out of my pants pocket and slide it before proceeding to get my lunch. As hungry as I was early I'm not as much anymore. I grab a slice of pizza and water only because I have to eat something today.
I walk out of the line towards the table ahead where Lukas is now sitting with Travis, June and Evan. I'm glad because I wasn't really looking forward to having to sit with Lukas by myself. As I approach the table Lukas looks up at me then back away. I can tell in the brief moment he looked at me he's still hurting from the reject. I take a seat across from Travis sitting next to June who doesn't look interested in what they are talking about.
"So did you hear?" she asks excited with anticipation to tell us whatever she knows.
"Hear what?" I ask before taking a bite into my pizza.
"Brittany Donavan is pregnant." she exclaims not caring who is listening.
"Are you serious? Does she know who the father is?" Evan replies more curious about this than I am.
"Who’s that?" I ask feeling stupid but how am I supposed to know everyone at our school it isn't like I know her.
"Brittany is the in the same grade as us. She's the ninth grade slut that sleeps with all the guys. Where have you? Haven't you seen her at Travis's parties?" she asks making me feel dumb for asking.
"Yeah I remember now but how do you know she's pregnant?" I ask her.
"Well what else would explain her frequent bathroom trips. She's always sick and having to ask to use the bathroom during class. Plus I heard she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I bet she doesn't even know who the father is." June says and I'm left thinking back to this morning.
The conversation they are having is drowned out by my thoughts. June said Brittany has to be pregnant because of how much she has been going to the bathroom lately and how she has been feeling sick. That sounds exactly how I have been the past month or two but that's impossible. I can't be pregnant I'm a guy and last time I checked I'm still a virgin. I don't know why that would even come to my mind when June said that. I have to be a crazy person to even think that as a possibility right? Guys can't get pregnant, they can't its not normal or even possible.
***
Flashback:
"Now I'm going to tell the both of you something and I want you to listen. I don't want either of you kissing anybody or being kissed is that understood?" our mom said sternly.
"But why mommy?" Haley asked as curious as I was.
"Darling it's important you do as mommy says because a kiss, a kiss can last forever. How do you think babies are created? You should only kiss someone if you really love them and that would only be once you are an adult not a child. I don't want either of you kissing before you are eighteen is that understood?" our mother said.
My jaw dropped open wide in shock from what she had just said. I became fascinated and frighten both at the same time. I told myself then and there I would never kiss anybody as long as I lived. I didn't want to disobey our mother and end up pregnant.
***
School ends and I'm left more confused than I was earlier today. Why do I have to constantly make myself more stressed and worried then I have to be? I have no reason to be worried. Yeah I've been feeling sick and it sounds similar to how Brittany feels but I can't possibly be pregnant. How can I be?
I have officially gone insane I think as I walk into the store. I told Travis I needed to stop at the store after school to pick up something important. At least he's in his car waiting and I don't have to worry about him asking why the hell I'm buying a pregnancy test. Don't ask me why I know it's dumb but for some reason this is the only way I can keep myself at ease as long as I reassure myself I'm not. Of course it is going to have to wait until I get home because there is no way I'm going to take the test at Travis's house when I'm there.
I walk nervously and embarrassed to the aisle where the pregnancy tests are sitting on the shelf. I hurry over making sure no one is around and grab the first test I see not paying attention to the brand labeled on the box. With no cameras in sight I shove it in my backpack and zip it shut before I walk away. Great now I'm turning into a thief all for this stupid pregnancy test. I start to walk to the store exit feeling my heart race as I see a cop walk into the store walking towards me.
Shit! Someone saw me and I'm going to get caught and all for stealing something not worth getting in trouble for. My dad is going to kill me for this and I'm going to be left known as Razor that kid in ninth grade that got caught stealing a pregnancy test. Great, this is just great.
Just when I think I'm going to have a panic attack with my heart racing so fast and get arrested he gives me a smile and continues walking past me. He isn't going to arrest me? I look back seeing him walking over to get a soda from the fridge and not once looking at me. All that freaking out and practically having a heart attack was for nothing? I hurry out of the store not wanting to chance it, knowing never in my life am I ever again stealing especially a stupid pregnancy test.
I walk over to Travis's car with my heart race finally normal. "I thought you had to get something?" he asks as I take a seat in the passenger seat shutting the car door.
"Oh they didn't have it." I say feeling stupid for not at least buying one thing when I told him I had to come to buy something.
"Do you want to go somewhere else?" he asks.
"No, it's fine I'll just get it later." I lie trying more than ever to act normal.
"Okay, so what did you need to get anyway?" he asks as he pulls out and starts to drive to his house.
"Paper," Paper? What's wrong with me I could of said anything but paper really?
"What kind of paper?" he asks seeing through my lie.
"For a poster for a class project I have." I answer giving a better answer then last time. Hopefully he believes it or I'm going to look like an idiot even though I'm pretty sure I already do.
"Oh," is all he says looking at the road. "So not to change the subject but are you ever going to tell me what's going on between you and Lukas?" he asks taking me by surprise.
"What do you mean? Nothing is going on everything is how it has always been." I reply.
"Do you really think I'm going to believe that? We've been friends since sixth grade and Lukas been your best friend since forever. It has always been you and Lukas but not lately that's why I'm asking. Did something happen at my party?" he asks looking at me for a brief moment then back at the road.
I go back and forth in my head wondering if I should tell him what happened that night and finally decide not to. I don't need to go around telling everyone what happened especially since I hurt Lukas and I'm not proud of that. "You know how Lukas is sometimes he gets mad over little things. I just upset him and he still hasn't gotten over it. Trust me our friendship is fine it's not like he hates me." I say knowing the last part isn't true. Lukas does hate me and probably will for the rest of his life. I just wish he wouldn't because honestly he was my best friend that got me through my depression when my mom died. Without him by my side things are different and it scares me. Maybe I kind of did like him because of that quality he had to always bring me up when I was down but not more than a friend. I wish I would have told him that instead of treating him bad that night.
***
Five hours later...
I get home an hour later then I told my dad I would be home hoping he isn't mad from me leaving this morning. As I walk inside to my surprise he isn't in the living room waiting to tell me off for not coming home right afterschool but instead going to Travis's. "Where's dad?" I ask Haley who is sitting on the couch with the remote in her hand.
She turns and looks at me and answers, "I don't know he said he had to go somewhere and would be back soon. You know he's mad at you right Razor?"
"How mad is he?" I ask.
"A lot, he said he didn't even agree to letting you go to Travis's but you went anyway. Why do you love getting him mad when he is only trying to look out for you?" she asks clearly taking dad's side.
"He doesn't have to look out for me all the time I'm fifteen Haley."
"I know so am I but I don't do stuff without getting permission and upset dad." she says.
"Oh right and dad gave you permission to have sex with your boyfriend?" I reply hitting a nerve.
"I don't know why I even bother. I can't believe I'm even related to you sometimes." she says getting up from the couch and walking to her room.
"I don't either." I say as she shuts her bedroom door and I'm left standing in living room. It didn't use to always be like this, when we were younger we got along fine. We were like best friends until mom died and then everything changed. We hardly talk now at school or even at home. I know a lot of siblings are like this but there are times I wish it could be like when we were little. Like today I wish I could go and tell her that I dumb I feel for thinking I'm pregnant from a kiss. She would probably laugh with me but I can't do that. I already know from the loud music coming from her room she doesn't want to talk to me.
I walk ahead to the bathroom feeling dumber with every step I take. I wonder what my mom would say if she was alive right now and knew what I was about to do? Would she think I'm crazy and so naive to still believe what she told us? Probably and I wouldn't blame her I already thought I was crazy when I first questioned myself thinking I could be. Anyway what's the worst that can happen it's just going to come back negative it can't be positive that would be impossible shut the door behind me and locking it. I grab the box out of my backpack and tear it open taking the stick out. I read the directions quickly ready to get this over with. I wonder if I'm the only guy in the world that has ever done this before. I rip it out of the packaging and do as the directions say.
I place the cap back on it and lay it on the sink counter before I flush the toilet and wash my hands waiting for the three minutes to pass by. "This is so dumb I'm not pregnant." I say to myself looking in the mirror. I think back to a memory I have when my mom was still alive.
***
Flashback:
"Razor, you can tell mommy anything. What are you scared about?" my mom asks as she sat on a chair in the kitchen holding my arms in her hands.
"It's dumb you'll make fun of me." I whine.
"I would never make fun of you. Please tell me darling." she says making me give in.
"I'm scared that I'm pregnant." I say fast and quick.
"Oh and why would you think that?" she asks in her concerned voice.
"Because you kissed me goodnight and you said if anyone kisses me I would get pregnant." I say repeating what she told me last night.
"Oh baby it doesn't work that way you have nothing to be scared of I already told you that last night didn't I?" she replies.
"I know but how do you know?" I ask nervously.
"I know darling because my mommy told me. Everything I teach you your grandmother taught me." she says.
"What happened to grandma?" I ask thinking about the last time I saw her was months ago.
"Grandma was sick baby and it was her time. You will be with her one day, we all will." she says sadly.
"She didn't look sick." I state knowing that won't make her feel better.
"I know she didn't but she was very sick for a long time." she explains which makes me think if she will ever leave me.
"You're not ever going to leave me are you?" I ask scared at the thought of my mom one day being gone and unable to be here when I need her.
"Of course not I'll be here for you forever when you need me the most. I will never leave you Razor I promise." she says with a smile.
***
I force the tears back that I know are going to come from thinking about her. I try not to think about her because I know all it will bring is sadness. Sometimes it's hard not to especially days like today when I want her the most.
I look down seeing the two clearly visible lines on the test in front of me. That can't be right the test has to be wrong. I grab the paper and reread it.
PREGNANT: TWO PINK LINES in the Result Window. One line may be lighter than the other. Appearance of the result may vary.
NOT PREGNANT: ONE PINK LINE in the Result Window.
This can't be happening, it's impossible. I can't be pregnant I'm a guy, I never even had sex. All I ever did with another person was been kissed and it wasn't even a kiss I wanted. That was three months ago at the party with Lukas. Oh god if I'm pregnant that means it happened at the party and its Lukas's baby. It was exactly a few weeks after that I started getting sick. I started becoming nauseous all the time spending almost every morning in the bathroom. How is it even possible though guys can't get pregnant can they?