i released a shaky breath rather heavily as i stood on my feet my hands tightly squeezing the bars besides me as i took slow steps . foreward. pushing tears to the back because it just fucking hurt so much .
i was practising walking.
well i could walk, it just hurt so fucking much that i would automatically walk in a weird way like talking short steps besides that, even then i wouldnt be able to walk far .
,, you're doing great " jongin chuckled in front of me ..
only a few steps come on .
i walked a little more forcing myself to walk normal until i stepped at a surten angle causing me to cry out and fall foreward .he instanldy catched me lowering myself as i caught my breath .
,, dont worry you did great " he smiled, before he helped me up and sat me back down in the wheelchair turning to the nurse and doctor afterwards and talking with them about something i didnt bother to listen . i didnt bother to listen a lot , i only seemed to bother when its jongin whos talking .
jongin has been helping me non stop .he was always there for me . he would try to push me to do it but it the most sweetest way .he would tell me some weird stories and walk with me through the gardens well try but most of the time i end up collapsing and he would carry me on his back
back .
i'm glad that he has been happier ever since i decided to show a few smiles .whenever he enterd the room or he woke me up for medicine .
unfortunatly havent i been able to open my mouth to anyone yet . i still couldnt speak and the thrapist told me something about mute . is that what i am now ? mute ?
i never wanted to be mute .. i never imagened that .and i honestly dont want to at all .there are people out there that realy cant speak and here i am not speaking because i'm such a fucking pussy ..
thats probably why i'm sitting here again . leaning against the walls of the hospital bathroom the sciccior for the bandages in the drawer was in my hand and i was watching how the blood drops before me and mixes on the tissue with my tears that kept falling onto it aswell.
each blood drop was just so beautiful.. and i hated myself for thinking that way . i hated myself for making me even uglier with the new created scars on my stomach .i decided to do it on my stomach this time because this time i wasnt thinking of suicide . but simply of the pain and the blood i needed it. it made me feel calmer .
but i hated myself that i was such a freak to not be sure if i wanted this or not .
theres a part of me who loves seeing the cut , the other hates it .
one part loves seeing the blood
the other hates it .
one part loves the pain . the other is scared of it .
one part is proud of seeing the white flesh from my arm
the other is disappointed
one part loves the scars
the other hates it .
and i dont understand .. why ?
does this make me an attention seeker ? because a part of me loved seeing that it was deep enough to create a scar .. but then again the other part just want to ripp the skin away and not let any scar shown .
i sighed closing my eyes . jongin wasnt here ..
after he noticed that i've been better he asked me if it was ok if he sometimes visited his mother ,ofcorse i said yes .. altho i didnt know if that was the right choice because he would always return rather sadly because he always argued with his father .
hye called a few times with jongins grandma and hearing her small voice made me smile . she was still so cute. and her singing lullababys to me was just precious .
she was precious .
{ } { } { } { } { } { }-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-
it was so quiet ..
every hospital night would be so quiet . only now and then you could hear someone passing by on the otherside of the door .
its acually quite creepy because you dont know who is walking by .
i shiverd at the thought snuggling closer into jongins chest .
he took a deep breath and pulled the blankets more over us tighting his hold around me .
,, try to sleep " he whisperd and i just closed my eyes hiding my face completly in his warm chest .
i cant describe how amazing it felt to be in his embrace . its like my safe place .
i opened my eyes again to see jongin standing on the door . he had a smile on his face and i could see his lips moving . he was talking .
i blinked a few more times clearing my throat and sniffing at the cannula stuck in my nose .
jongins face turned to me and his smile soon turned into a soft one .god he was so handsome ..
,, morning beautiful " he smiled moving closer but i had my eyes on the door that now opened more .
and as jongin placed a kiss to my temple ,my blood turned cold as i saw the person jongin was talking to, enter .
,, hey " yixing smiled brightly .
{ } { } { } { } { }-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-{-}-
yixing still smiled brightly but i just kinda stared at him, mostly at his eyes . he looked happy but i didnt feel happy .
i felt awfull ... i probably shouldnt since yixing was in love with me and i knew that . i knew that he wouldnt let love betray him .so i should be glad that hes here because i always wanted to be loved ...
but i'm not glad.
i'm scared .
jongin chuckled and i had only now noticed that yixing had said something making both of them smile and when yixing looked back into my eyes i instandly looked to the ground, i dont like jongin talking to him . is it jealousy ? i dont even know
its just weird .
because the thought of those 2 loving each other was terrifying .
imagening jongin locked up in the basement made me feel so terrible .
maby i was realy just jealous .
,, kyungsoo ?" i looked back up at him. carefully and constandly blinking to look down, he always called me honey its weird hearing my name from him after so long
,, hey .. i'm sorry i didnt visit you earlier i've just been realy busy but i tried to as soon as possible when i heard what happened i swear i thought my heart stoped . how is it that those things always happen to you " he smiled sadly sitting down besides the bed .
it was like he was his old self again .the one who worked with me at the diner it was like everything else that happened .
didnt happen .
,, how do you feel ?" he asked in a soft voice and jongin handed me the drawing pad .
but i didnt feel like answering so i just let it lay in my lap staring coldy at it .
,, he's been .. getting better but there are still moments like these when he just .. doesnt responed ..we've been talking to the therapist but he's always been freaking out lately so they said they think it would be best if he first focused on his physical recovery and then mentally .. " what is jongin talking about ... i've been getting better in both i am smiling and helping him i'm being strong ! i'm i ..
i am right ?
i've been trying so hard,
i am strong ..
,, i understand .." yixing spoke with a sigh , how can they be talking when i'm right here ?
why do they talk about me when i'm sitting right here ? why do they talk about me ? i'm getting better . i am strong stop worrying!
my eyes land on yixing ,
stop pretending that you worry !
he smiled softly at me
Stop !
his hand landed on mine
Stop Pretending ! Stop !
,, i know this must be hard for you now but you know that we are here for you . baekhyun, chanyeol, jongin and i are here for you, it will get better "
it already does get better !!
stop lying !!
stop !
STOP !
i squeezed my eyes releasing a cracking scream at him i wanted to beg him and tell me who he is i wanted to beg him to tell me what he wants, if he loves me . i wanted to know what i wanted !
,, kyungsoo " jongin held me back as i grabbed tightly onto yixings hand squeezing him and staring despred at him as tears overflooded my sight .he looked paniced,sadly at me as i struggled and cried out .
was he realy paniced ? was he realy sad ? ..
before i knew it , jongin landed his hands on my cheeks turning me to face and look at him as he was telling me something which i couldnt hear .. i just saw his lips moving while more and more tears escaped my eyes .
finally yixings hands retreated from my hand and jongin pulled me closer burrying me in his warm and safe embrace .letting me feel like i could just let it all out .
i just cried .not caring how loud it was or that yixing was still there . i didnt care that my body hurt again and my throat was on fire from the raspy sobs and painfilled cries with a lot of voice that escaped me .
my arms flew around jongins stromach tightly pushing myself closer to him .
,, sh sh .. calm down you're ok .. dont worry, i'm here " he whisperd in his gentle ,soft and incredebly calming voice . making me sniff and take shaky inhales before releasing them slowly to calm down . i didnt dare open my eyes or retreat from jongins warm chest because everything felt ok when i burried my face in his chest not seeing anything and feeling jongins warmth was amazing . i never ever wanted to finish this hug .
but after a few more of jongin soft speaking and his stroking over my back and head .
after taking a few deep breaths inhaling his scent .
i started to feel sleepy and my hands loosened around his stomach . he made sure my arms wouldnt just fall off as he moved more onto the bed and i just let them fall onto the soft blankets leaning myself more against jongin .
he layed me gently down and i wanted to protest and hug him again but i felt kinda sleepy now so i just shifted to just look at him and not at yixing before jongin pulled the blankets up over my shoulder kissing my temple
,, get some more sleep i'm here"
he whisperd retreating afterwards and i believed him .
so i closed my eyes and fell asleep
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well bare with me please i'm trying 🙏