Natalie's dad always drove her to school. Normally she didn't mind this at all. She was not, unlike some of her friends, the sort to be terribly embarrassed by her father. In fact, normally she thought he was pretty great. But today, the morning after her attic discovery, Natalie wasn't sure what to think. Or more importantly, what to say to him.
The article in her pocket didn't tell her much about her mother. Just that Mr. Porter had reported his wife missing. Had told the police he'd come home one day to find her gone. None of her things were missing, she hadn't packed a suitcase. She was just...not there. It was as if, he was quoted as saying in the article, she had simply vanished.
They had lived back in New York when he'd given that statement, a city that Natalie didn't remember at all. She'd been too small when they'd moved. Last night, Natalie had stared at the words in the newspaper, words her father was quoted as saying. Words he must have said. And she couldn't imagine him saying them. Couldn't imagine him keeping something like this from her.
Even now, darting looks at him out of the corner of her eye, she tried to put the man in the article together with the man driving her to school. He wasn't Mr. Porter, he was just...dad. And he didn't have secrets from her. Sure, he didn't want to talk about things that made him sad. But he wasn't a liar. Was he?
Not her father, who sat there in a rumpled white "Hard Rock Café" t-shirt, his five-o'clock shadow just beginning to show on his jaw, his hair slightly mussed, chatting merrily away about how they should go see that new movie at the cinema when it came out. Her father, who was shut up in his office all day scribbling madly away at blueprints, but who would always burst out of his office as soon as he heard the bus pull up. He was always eager to ask how her day had been.
How was it possible that he'd kept something so big from her? That her mother was not, in fact, dead. That she had merely gone missing. Vanished.
Her stomach swooped at the thought. In fact, she'd felt a little queasy ever since she'd seen the article. Without thinking, her hand drifted up to the chain at her throat, the necklace hidden beneath her shirt. Now that she knew it had probably belonged to her mother at one time. Her mother. The words repeated like a pulse in her head.
It felt a little reckless wearing it, a little daring. Her father might see it. But she couldn't seem to help herself. This had belonged to her mother. It had hung around her neck, had rested in the same spot, the metal charm warm on her skin.
"Hey, you okay?" Her father glanced over at her, and Natalie quickly put her hand down. He hadn't seen her touching it, had he?
"What?"
"Just...are you okay? You seem really distracted this morning."
"I'm fine," she said weakly, though this was decidedly untrue. She was not fine. She wanted answers. She could feel the questions pressing at her lips, knew how easily they would roll off her tongue. But she knew they would be accusing right now, they would burn with the same anger she felt blooming in the pit of her stomach. Because her father, the man who drove her to school every morning and came bursting out his office to meet her every night, the man she'd implicitly trusted up until now, had not told her the truth. He had, it seemed, lied to her since day one. And not the small lies that parents so often told their children, not Santa is real, or He's mean to you because he likes you, or even, Everything will be okay, but the deepest sort of lie she could think of.
So she wanted to ask him about her mother, about the article in the attic, and the chain resting around her neck, about what had really happened to her mother. But she didn't know how. She couldn't seem to find the words. It was too big. Too much.
The car rolled to stop in front of the school, and Natalie stared past her dad at the bulletin board at the front of the school, which was emblazoned with some cutesy message about summer coming, a message that had been on the board for the last three weeks. Natalie's eyes were unfocused, and the sign blurred in and out as she stared.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Her dad's voice had real concern in it now. "Do you feel sick? We can go back home if you want to, peanut."
The obvious concern in his voice, combined with the childhood nickname almost undid her. It was his special name for her, one she usually groaned and rolled her eyes at. But now it nearly pushed her into confessing. She opened her mouth to ask him all the questions she'd wanted to ask. Instead what came out was, "I'm fine. Just thinking about the test I've got soon. Uh, math test."
"Oh." He seemed relieved. "Well, if you need any help studying let me know. You know your dad was a math wiz back in high school. I'm still not so bad, if I say so myself." He made a show of breathing on his nails and rubbing them on his shirt, his smile wide and goofy. Usually Natalie would have laughed, or at least rolled her eyes at him with an exasperated, "Daaad" but she only gave him a strained smile this time.
"Thanks for the offer. I better go. See you after school?"
"You know it." Her dad leaned over to punch the electric lock, letting her out. "And I'll have cheese pizza waiting."
"Sounds great." She forced another smile before climbing out, the back of her legs dragging painfully on the hot vinyl seats. The car pulled away a moment later, and Natalie nearly sagged in relief. He'd believed her.
She turned and shuffled toward the school, hitching her bag higher on her shoulder, her mind buzzing frantically. She had to ask him somehow, she couldn't just...leave it. But maybe it was best to do some of her own research first, to find out for herself. Because the article didn't necessarily mean that they hadn't found her mother. The thought of it made her feel sick all over again, but she knew she had to face it. A missing person's case didn't always remain unsolved. It didn't mean they hadn't someday...found her mother. And obviously she wasn't here, so....
Natalie's stomach churned as she joined the flow of her classmates heading from the parking lot down the wide path to the school building. The sound of sneakers scuffing the sidewalk were drowned out by the buzz of the first bell, and the crowd moved faster. She kept her head down as she walked, and a few people bumped her as they brushed by, muttering apologies. She hardly noticed.
She wasn't a child. She had seen those "Missing Person Files" types of shows. Sometimes they turned out to be murder cases. Women who were kidnapped by predators, and these shows, these cases...they always ended badly.
If that was what had happened to her mother, then it was no wonder her dad refused to talk about it. The more she thought about it, the more her chest tightened, and her stomach felt sick. Maybe she shouldn't look, maybe she should forget the news article and put the necklace back in the attic. Maybe finding out what had happened to her mother would be far worse than not knowing. What was the old saying, ignorance is bliss? Maybe Natalie had been living in bliss up until now. And if she were to pursue this, she would shatter that bliss and let in the cold dark truth.
"Hey, why the long face, Porter?"
Something sharp jabbed into Natalie's side, and she started, staggered sideways, her book bag nearly falling off her shoulder. "Owch, seriously Sera."
Seraphina Wilson stood in front of the doors, blocking the flow of traffic so that people had to go around her. Sera was Natalie's best friend, and she was also the last person that Natalie wanted to see right now. Sera, with her bubble gum pink hair and neon green converses, and her backpack in the shape of a panda. Sera took great pride in taking nothing in life seriously. "Are you a horse?" Sera said, and Natalie squinted at her in annoyance.
"What?"
"Are you a horse?" Sera cackled. "Get it? Long face, horse joke?"
"God, you are so immature sometimes." Natalie shoved past her. Normally she brushed Sera's ridiculousness off the same way she did her father's dad jokes, with a snort and an eyeroll, but she couldn't take it today. Not when her mind felt like it was a hamster on a wheel, when her insides burned with the need to know despite the danger. In spite of the red flags her mind sent up.
"What's eating you?" Sera trailed after her, yanking at the straps on her panda knapsack. "I promise I won't make a Gilbert Grape joke. Not that you would get it."
Natalie shrugged, taking the staircase two at a time, into the hallway of lockers. She and Sera had lockers next to one another, which meant she wasn't going to be able to get rid of her. But if she told Sera, how would her friend react? The most serious thing they'd discussed in their friendship of five years, was if Sera's crush on Sean Spencer was going to interfere with their plans to hang out all summer. And that conversation had ended in Sera's ridiculously detailed description of what she liked about Sean, which had started and ended with his abs and induced much exasperated eye-rolling on Natalie's part.
She couldn't imagine telling her friend something as serious as this.
"Seriously, you're not going to tell me? You're just going to brush me off like I'm Nancy and her crew or something?" Sera glanced down the hall, her scowl directed at a pretty brunette girl surrounded by a group of three girls, each of them tall and willowy in an annoyingly perfect way. Natalie didn't have a problem with them though, they were the school's entire art class, and nice enough. Sera just didn't like them because Nancy was dating Sean.
"Sure, Sera." Natalie plucked her math text book from under the pile of papers in her locker, before shoving her book bag on top. "It's nothing. I'm fine."
Sera gave her a narrow look, clearly suspicious. "Right okay. Are we still doing the library after school?"
Natalie straightened up, tucking her book beneath one arm. She almost said no. The math test she'd told her dad about wasn't a lie, but she was way too preoccupied to study tonight.
But then...at the school library she could do research without worrying about her dad discovering what he she was doing. She didn't have a laptop, so all her school research at home was done on the computer in the living room.
"Sure," she said slowly. "Still on for studying."
"Good," Sera said, and gave an exaggerated sigh. "Because I still don't get half of it. I need your brains. Can you lend me some? Do you think if I go full zombie and eat them I'll get your math skills?" She held out both hands and made a terrible growling sound, before accidentally dropping her text book with a heavy thud onto her own foot. "Ow."
Natalie couldn't help but snort, even though her stomach still felt awful. "You watch too much TV."
"I don't know what that means." Sera stooped down to pick up her book. "Come on, I guess we better go, it's nearly nine."
Now it was Natalie's turn to trail after her friend, her gaze drifting up to the clock as they made their way down the hall. It was only nine. They had the full day to go until three, until she could get into the library to do her research. This was going to be an incredibly long day.