Charlie did what she usually never did. She went to the beach. Not imaginary or fake, no to an actual beach. With people and seagulls and sand and the ocean. The big wide open. It was her therapist that urged her to face her fears. Being scared of something meant nothing if you were never confronted with it, she said. You could be terrified of bowling alleys, but if you never went there: what good use was there in that fear. People don't die in bowling alleys, was Charlie's respond. Still, Charlie knew there was a core of truth in the words her therapist said. She would just take her towel, throw on her swimsuit and go. The few yards to the actual beach seemed to take her forever to walk. In her head she must've turned around a thousand times. Back home, in her bed, under the blankets. Put on some sad music and cry for hours. Just until all the liquid has left her body. Her sore eyes, her wet cheeks. She would prefer that scenario over this one. She'd even order some pizza. She would be willing to break diet for this. But she promised her mother she would at least try. Listen to what the therapist had to say. I'm almost 22, Charlie would've responded. Even adults can have mental issues, her mother replied.
Charlie had been working at a diving school that previous summer. She could be found in or around the water all summer. Free of worry. Free of nightmares. It was the summer she lost her virginity to this guy Mark. He said he was in love with her. Charlie knew, he'd been crushing on her for ages. She just wanted to get it done, with her eye set on someone else. When she dumped him, he called her a lesbian. I'd rather be a lesbian than spend another minute in your presence, Charlie replied. She'd laugh it off. She had a lot of admirers that summer. She had a lot of admirers all her life. All in the great before. Before the accident happened. Before her pretty was returned to being just a face. Before she cut of all her hair and painted it bright blue. Turquoise. Her favorite color. Before she had to wear glasses. Before the scars messed up her eyesight. Before she was blind in one eye. Before her passion became her fear. Before her favorite place became hell on earth. Nobody could've predicted it. They went out with the boat Charlie, Ray and Kristof. Just a bit of snorkeling in the open ocean like they always would on Wednesday morning. They got excited when they saw the lone dolphin. The dolphin seemed excited to see them too. Playful at first. Playful until it went berserk on them. She lost more than just a friend that day. Ray got bit so badly he drowned. They didn't find his remains until weeks later. Kristof lost a bunch of fingers and a leg, but he never lost his spirit. Technically Charlie didn't lose anything. She has thick scars across her face and left arm. She's blind in one eye, but she can still see. She has a tremor in her hand which prevented her from the most simplest tasks. She needs help to do so many things. The worst thing was when the doctors said she was fine. All healed. As if she could just go on with her life. As if she didn't lose a friend. As if her spirit wasn't broken. As if she was perfectly healthy. As if the tremor didn't prevent her from fulfilling her dream of becoming a nurse. Her therapist and her doctor talk a lot. But not as much as her mother and her doctor. They all think the tremor is fake. As if she would fake something that makes her life even worse. No honey, it's not your fault, her mother would say. It's just your brain made something up. You just feel guilty. Charlie would shake her head as if her mother didn't understand anything. But she did. She nailed it right on the head. Her mother got the idea online that it might've developed from the anxiety derived from the accident. So since last November, Charlie has been visiting her therapist once a week. Keeping up a dream diary, which could also be called a nightmare diary. Charlie did it all and now she's doing this. Spend at least an hour on the beach, her therapist said.
So she picks out a spot, a bit secluded. She lays out her towel, puts away her glasses and drops down. Okay. I'm doing this, she thinks to herself. She lays her head down and her awkward position soon forms into something more comfortable. With her spectacle case next to her and her head resting on her backpack.
As soon as Kristof noticed her from the surfshack, he limped over to her. His missing leg replaced with a robotic one. The missing fingers were still missing. Charlie heard the mechanical movement from his prosthesis and decided to play dead. Not actual death, just asleep.
"Hey Charles," the nickname Kristof had for Charlie made her heart jump. She missed him so much, but just couldn't bear being near him. "I think he it's amazing that you're here today. I know the struggle. Free drinks on me from the shack?"
Charlie didn't reply. "I know you can hear me Charles, you're not asleep." Kristof whispered. Charlie just nodded. "Well, you know where to find me."
Charlie wasn't just afraid to go to the beach, she was avoiding seeing Kristof. Most of the year it was easy. They both had their jobs and lives. It was during the summer everybody would spend all their days on the beach. They'd all take days of their regular work, just to work at the shack during those summer days. Sleep in the hammocks on the beach. Two months of unbridled freedom. Kristof was barely out of the hospital when he went back to working at the shack. In his regular life he was just a car mechanic, but during the summer he was that guy. That hot surf instructor. That cool diver dude. That guy that was perfectly tanned with his perfect body and his perfect hair. Even now, with his scars and missing limbs. Even now the girls would giggle and line up for him. Every Wednesday he would tell me and Ray about his latest conquests. Ray was nothing like him. Ray was two years older and had an office job. It wasn't much, but he liked it. Ray would wear loads and loads of sunscreen and still burn. He'd wear his goofy goggles when we swam just to protect his eyesight. He was nearsighted too. Just like I am now. I liked Ray a lot. He could talk for hours about the silliest things. He would notice anything. Feeling ill, new shirt, a weird rash. Name anything that's different and Ray would've known. The only thing he didn't notice was the change in the behavior of the dolphin. To some he might've looked like a nerd, or someone who would be the last person on earth to be a kick ass dive instructor. But he was. During those summers he was the very best the shack has ever had. Ray was the perfect name for him, he belonged in the water. He wasn't born for the water, the water was born for him.
Laying there in the sun, Charlie barely noticed Kristof limping away. The breeze kept her cool and the rushing of the waves rushed her to sleep. She didn't even realized she'd been asleep until she woke up. Looking at the sun, she decided it must've been after 4. As she sits up Charlie reaches for her glasses but they are nowhere to be found. Instant panic fills her body. Her breathing quickens and her hands scan the beachtowel. She opens her bag and frantically starts pulling everything out of it. Nope. It's not there. The one relief is her fold up cane in her backpack. With nearsightedness in one eye and being blind in the other, it could be very difficult to navigate without her glasses. She hated the cane. it made her look so helpless. Charlie tried picking up the cane from the backpack. It was hard enough with the tremor, but with the lack of sight and depth perception it was damn near impossible. Charlie felt tears building up behind her eyes. No. She would not cry. Not today. Not now. Not being out in public. She sighed. It felt like forever before the cane was out of the bag and unfolded.
"I won't call mom. I can do this." Charlie whispered to herself. She got up and gathered her stuff. Squished it all together in the backpack. Not thinking about anything. During her death march back to the bus stop, she poked people more often than not. The beach was crowded and it was pure hell trying to find her way through it all. The worst part was hearing the annoyance in people's reactions. She knew she almost reached the curb when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Strange, Charlie thought, I thought I would've heard Kristof coming. When she turned around, she had to hold on to her cane to trust she wouldn't lose balance. It was a boy, maybe fifteen years old and the spitting image of Ray.
"Miss. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I mean, I did mean to, but I didn't. I.. my mother.." he pushed my spectacle case in my tremoring hand. Before Charlie could even think of lashing out, the boy disappeared into the crowd. Gone with the wind. Not that it mattered, it did, but now that she had her glasses again, she could at least put away the pity cane. Another sigh, but this time of relief when she reached the bus stop and saw that another bus should be there in about 20 minutes. The wait was almost over when she heard the squeaking noise. Kristof.
"I'm glad I didn't miss you leaving." He said as he sat down next to me. "I just came out of the water to notice you left your spot."
Charlie is silent for a moment. "Water?" She asks, looking at his prosthetic leg.
"This one's better for walking, but I have a special one for swimming and surfing."
"Of course you have."
"Well, little miss sunshine. How about a drink?"
"What drink?" Unknowingly Charlie's had sliding over to Kristof's. they are almost holding hands.
"Charles, I know you weren't asleep. Please? You don't even have to pretend you know me. Just come inside and have a drink. " Kristof looked Charlie in the eyes with his look. It was a stare, with a bit of a squint and a tiny pout. It was the look. The look that let him get his way whenever. "It doesn't have to be alcoholic." He added with a wink.
"How do you even get in the hammocks?" An off topic question, goof choice. Charlie thought.
"Don't dodge the question, my child. Let's go and I'll show you."
Relentlessly Charlie nodded. "Okay you win. With your stupid smolder."
Kristof grinned. "I know you love it!"
Charlie is greeted with so much joy at the shack by pretty much everyone, it's overwhelming her. She doubts if she made the right choice to listen to Kristof.
"Before I forget," Charlie grabs Kristof's arm, "my mom told me to say hi to you, if I 'happen' to run in to you."
"I know. She told me she would." Silence. My mother talked to Kristof. Charlie is stunned. With anger that is. How could she! Her own mother didn't trust her enough to go to the beach without a supervisor. She's twenty two years old.
"Do you talk to her often?" Charlie finally asked.
"Here." Kristof handed Charlie a coke and grabbed her hand. "Come, Charles." He took her to the dock where they sat down next to eachother, like they would last year. Charlie did have to help Kristof down, but he managed the dangling.
"Are you okay with me taking the bloody thing off for a moment?" He gestured towards his leg. Charlie nodded and with just a few swift moments his leg was completely his again. He laid the prosthetic leg behind them. His hand rubbed the bit of thigh that he did have. Scars framed the stump.
"I talk to your mother sometimes. I called you. Thousands of times it feels. I would always get your mother. She'd tell me you were not okay that day and that was that. She talked to me about you." Kristof laid his head on Charlie's shoulder. Charlie just grunted at the thought of the two of them having tea parties talking about her. "She worries so much about you. She wanted to know if I had nightmares to. I do, in case your wondering. She told me she sometimes felt like you died to. Even if just a little bit, a piece of you died out there. I know you loved him. He was your forever." Tears are in Kristof's voice. "It's good to see you, Charles. I barely recognized you though. This hair of you." And the scars, Charlie thought.
"Well. We all change." Charlie tried to calm her arm down, but the tremor just worsened. "I have a perfectly unnecessary tremor in a perfectly healthy arm. You lost a leg. Fingers. Ray lost his life. Things change, Kris. I'm no longer the girl I used to be. I can't see depth. Without my glasses I can barely see at all."
"But that's the thing. You let it destroy you. Let it all destroy you. Of course you're no longer the girl I met when I was 16, when we both first started working here. You're a young woman. You're.. You're beautiful and strong." Kristof gently put some stray hairs behind my ear. "It's a torment to see you struggle like this."
"Well, you gotta thank my therapist. She's the one suggested I went back here." Charlie jumps up. "It was a mistake coming here. The ocean loved Ray so much, it swallowed him whole. When I'm here, I can see every part of him."
"Don't you think I feel it too? I lost two ofmy closest friends that day. I know she's in there, but you're not her."Kristof says after her, but Charlie tries not to listen as she attempts tonavigate back to the bus stop problem free.