To my beautiful black swan.
Dear Mina Unnie,
In this perfectly cold wheater, as my heart also froze now. This is me accepting the ache of missing you. This is me, waking up every day staring at our kitchen as you used to eat your breakfast there, and the living room where you spend late nights watching TV, and your PC Room, where I could see you in with your headphone playing game, won't budge even the world ends. This is me trying to understand that it is okay to have my heart's beat when someone speaks your name, or when you suddenly appear in our group's chat, or when you posted something on Instagram. This is me accepting the fact that my life should go on without any stop. This is me keeping the faith that someday I will hear and immerse every love songs and sad movies without having a single tear. That I will fall in love again. Someone will chase me when I don't have to chase.
This is me accepting the universe that you and I won't create other sincere memories. This is me trying to assure myself that someday soon someone will fall in love with you, confessing the love only for you, I will be the one who claps behind you through that happy moment. This is me hoping that you will find the love you desire, someone who could bring you medicines without even hesitates to knock your room. Someone gentle, someone brave not a coward.
This is me promising myself that I will change for sure. I will profound my love, I won't hide it. This is me promising my life to be happy, cause I will be happy now seeing you just happy. This is me accepting the fact that I will spend my sleepless night with someone else, not you anymore. This is me stopping myself to staring at my phone waiting for you to reply my text, cause I won't text you in the first place. This is me learning, that I will be enjoying sunset and sunrise without you again. This me promising my self not to cry over you in the park, not to run stupidly at night through Han river. Not again.
This is me, avoiding myself to keep missing you. This is me moving on. I really hope you're happy.
Sincerely,
Chaeng – Winter 2019
I close my notebook. I write for myself as if I could send this letter to Mina Unnie. I am done. I should make an effort toward myself. I can't do this over and over again. It's been 5 years, I really need to stop. I don't regret my youth, spending time liking and loving her. Like or not, she also shaping me to be who I am now. I feel now that I could be honest. At least to myself. I still feel the ache, but I've never thought and allowed myself to move on. I've been so fooled telling myself that it's okay to feel like this forever, turns out it's an infinity trap and I wanted a way out so badly. I'm hurting myself in the process. Not until today, where I decided to be happy, enough with tears. I want to try not to give up, I want to feel at ease every time I see her.
As I overslept in my own thought, I wake up in the morning realizing that it's already 8am. I rub my eyes and looking at the window. I gasp a bit. That's when I realize that it's winter already. At the early of December, I see the first snow. Next thing I know, I wash and wear my jacket, take my car key with me. I go outside, throw my hand in the air, it really is snow. I then go to my car and drive, it's all white all over the city. Welcome my favorite season, winter! It's beautiful. All the trees covered with snow. I stop at one apartment at Songpa-gu. I don't what am I doing. I'm waiting under the big tree. I enjoy myself soaking because of snow.
I make a phone call.
"Come downstairs" I say.
If there's nothing to lose, then there's nothing to be afraid of. Your feeling grows deeper and your desire to keep it grows, get bigger. Love feeds on fear. But the ultimate way to overcome the fear is through love again.
He comes downstairs.I could see him from his building. Clearly, he's just waking up from his sleep. He's also amazed a bit when he realizes that it's snowing. He smiles at the sky and then to me. He put his cap and run towards me. He stops in front of me, smiling at me. I see his face. I analyze everything.
I wanted to confirm it. My heart was fluttering because somehow I couldn't stop thinking about this man. The one that could ease my broken hearted for a long time. Was I just curious of this man because he approached me first, or is it the sign from God to feel love again?
Let's find out.
In this perfect weather, as I close my eyes, I kiss him. I need to assure my feeling. I kiss him deeply. He's shocked, I can tell. I then release my lips from his. I take a big gulp, my heart beating so fast. Like crazy. He then cups my face and kisses me again. This time he takes the lead. I also cup his face. He's a good kisser. I don't mind spending my time with this lips. He then releases me. Our head touches each other. He held my hand.
"They say that a man should confess on the first snow" I say it to him, whispering and jokingly.
He laughs.
"From today on, you're mine Son Chaeyoung Noona"
He hugs me, hugs me tightly.
"It really is worth my time waiting for you. Thanks, Noona"
I nod in his hug. I need to remember this perfect moment.
"But, drop that, okay?" I say to him.
He confuses. "The honorifics. From now on, call me just Chaengie. Cause I will call you Sammy. Enough with Noona"
"Okay!"
He hug me again, this time I hug back. He feels warm. I feel comfortable.
"Thank you, Chaengie! Thanks for opening your heart"
"Thanks for knocking, Sam"
He then looks at me. I feel so shy. He held my hands and kiss my hand.
Samuel takes me to my car. We are holding hands. I've never been held for a long time. He has a schedule at noon.
"Be careful, okay" He says while adjusting my jacket zipper. "Don't get cold"
I nod. I enter my car. I open my window.
"Call me when you reach your dorm" He say.
"Okay"
He then kisses my cheek.
"You make me happy you know?" He say it with his smile.
I smile and tap his cheek as well. My heart beating seeing him like this. I feel like I want to stay for little longer if he doesn't have any schedule. We wave a goodbye, I drove back to my dorm. I can't stop smiling as I drive.
"Where were you since this morning, Chaengie" Dahyun Unnie ask me when I enter the room. All of them gather in the living room. All of them.
"Oh my god, I'm startled" They all gather in the living room is a rare scene for us nowadays. Someone even makes a breakfast, they are quietly sitting in the sitting room.
"Ah, Chaengie must be back from enjoying the first snow, aren't you? You love snow!" Sana Unnie tries to guess. I sit at the edge of the sofa. I nod. Indeed, yes.
"I want you guys to know something about me" I say that and it makes all of my member's face now facing me.
I look down, I don't know how to tell them. But we promised each other to tell everything. Nayeon Unnie and Sana Unnie, both did this anyway. So, I need to have the guts.
I clear my throat too many times. I take a big gulp and deep breathe.
"I......"
"You're dating someone aren't you?" Mina Unnie shoot with that question first.
My lips are frozen. All my member look at me now over Mina Unnie's statement
"Yes" I say it quietly.
I look down again. All of my members start screaming. I smile shyly.
"Our youngest is an adult now!" Nayeon Unnie tease me. She hugs me then.
"Who is he?????" Jeongyeon Unnie preying for some answer. They then lean closer to me.
I take a big gulp again.
"Kim Samuel"
"YAAA CHANGIE, HE'S YOUNGER?" Momo Unnie freak out.
I nod shyly again.
"He must be so brave that he could actually make our Chaengie like this. Congrats, our Chaengie!" Jihyo Unnie sincerely says that to me.
"Congrats Chaengie, be happy always!" Dahyun Unnie hug me and held my hand.
"Thanks my member, I'll tell the managers and the entertainment soon"
While other member taking turn to hug me. Tzuyu only smile widely to me and giving me her thumbs up. Mina Unnie smiles at me when I hug everyone. She then goes to the kitchen.