Samuel kept his promise. first thing that he did after he land in Incheon was calling me. He managed to text me when he was in the US. No human being ever did something like Samuel did to me. He's treated me too nicely. Perhaps it's all because I always treat someone so nicely until I forget that I deserved to be treated like this too. The one that so happy about this relationship is Tzuyu. She really supporting me in moving on. While I am still consider things.
Tonight, I will have dinner with Samuel. He invited me to a small restaurant in Bundang. His friend is the owner. We avoid crowded place once again. He rented the whole restaurant since it's a small restaurant. I enter the restaurant. I love the mood already. It isn't expensive type of restaurant. It's small, quiet, and secluded. A staff takes me to my seat. Samuel then comes to from the balcony. He wears a khaki pants and a light blue shirt, with a loafer, he look neat today and summery.
"You look beautiful, Noona" He sits while complimenting me.
I simply wear an oversize blazer and torn jeans.
"If I know that you would be this neat, I will wear something nice as well"
"No need, I really like your style, besides, this is not neat" He then look at me who look at the menu. "Are you ready to order?"
"Yes"
"Hyung!" Samuel then call his colleague.
"I want this, and chocolate shake, please"
"I'm taking the usual. Thanks, Hyung!"
"Thank you!" I said to his friend.
"How's America?"
"Glad to be back home and met my parents, my family, my friends"
"Glad to hear it"
"What are you doing, lately, Noona?"
"I'm preparing for comeback in late June"
"Ah, you're going to be busy then"
It does feel like a date. It's a date, to be honest. Why myself always ignore the fact that I'm now having a date with Samuel. It all goes well. Samuel really is a gentle human being. We talk about America mostly. I remember vividly that I love Santa Barbara, Samuel lives near Santa Barbara. We talk and laugh, Samuel seem quite when you see him in TV, but in real life, he's a gag.
"I really like your special stage in Chicago" I say to him.
"Oh, so you did search for my performance"
"It's all over the internet, I just click it" I don't want to admit that I indeed search him on google and naver.
"Okay okay" He laugh. "Time for your present"
He goes to the back, and come with my present.
"Tzuyu said that you don't like gifts"
"Wow, you contacted Tzuyu for this?"
"You're jealous?"
"NO"
He laughs. "Anyway, I couldn't help it to give you this, it was nothing, just........open it"
He gives me a small black box, like a jewelry box. No, could it be?
I open it, it's a necklace with Belle pendant on it. Belle from the Disney Princess. It's the one that Emma Watson wore in Beauty and the Beast. Belle is my favorite character on Disney. How did he know? I never mention this on TV.
"Oh my God! Belle's"
"Ah you know at first glance? Yes, it's Belle's. I know that you like Disneys character. But as you know Disney has so many characters. I don't know why but I picked this pendant. I don't know any other Disney princesses except Belle, it's because I love Emma Watsons and she starred in Beauty in the Beast, yeah so I just buy this"
I still can believe that he purchased this pendant out of any other things in Disneyland.
"Thank you" That's all that I can say to him
"Do, do, do you like it?" Samuel ask me nervously.
"You know I don't like gifts right?"
"Ah I'm sorry"
"But this, this, this I love it too much" I say it while looking at the pendant. "I really love Belle out of any character in Disney, you pick the right one"
"That's so relieved"
How come he can read my mind?
"Again, thanks"
"Don't mention it, Noona"
We then wrap up our dinner. I was ready to go home and until he ask me again for a ride once again.
"Noona, do you bring your hoodie and masker?" I always carry it, it's my kit.
"Yes I bring it"
"Do you want to go to a stream outside? I really love to take a walk down to a stream, every time I visited Bundang I always want to go to Tancheon stream"
Can he actually read my mind? I really love outdoor, I love parks and stream. I just nod to him as he takes me to a walk. Bundang is a busy city just like Gangnam. What I really love about Bundang is, Bundang is a quiet place, not as crowded as Gangnam, especially at night. I walk down the stream, Tancheon isn't like Chyeonggyecheon, it isn't crowded. It fills with jogging track, tonight I could see a few couples there. As I walk there with him, he then takes my hand. I want to reject at first, but unexpectedly I cooperate with him. We walk side by side holding hands. What's this?
We sit there. He still holds my hands and put above my knee. I sit at the one step level above him.
"Noona, you know that I'm not joking when I said that I like you, right?"
I don't want to answer that. I'm afraid that I can't answer all of his questions.
"I'm deadly serious about that, Noona"
I let him do the talking.
"Noona, since the first time I walked to that balcony at Somi's party, I know that I won't let you go, I really like you, that's for sure. And since then I want to be close to you. You may be a Noona, but I always feel like I want to protect you. In my life, only stages could make my heart beating so fast. Every time I went on stage I can't help it, my heart felt like going to burst. Then, there's another one who could make me like that"
He stops and facing down.
"You" He says it shyly. I try to not to look at him at this point.
"You make my heart beat faster than ever, every time you're near. I can't help but text you, knowing that you're okay, check you SNS, even ask Tzuyu how you are cause I'm afraid that I will annoy you if I did that often. But I really wanted to know how you are. That's it"
"I wanna be with you, Noona" He then continues.
It isn't a question, right? I don't have to answer anything, right?
He then stand up. And move back and forth.
"Ah I don't like this. I can't get you out of mind"
I could feel that my heart is also beating fast. He then sit again and take my hands again, both hands while looking at me.
"Noona, can you please look at me?"
I look at him. Now, my heart beating like crazy.
"I maybe young, but I'm not dumb. I'm also sensitive, to realize that all this time, I'm doing it alone, right? I know that you haven't developed any feeling for me, for sure, that's why I kept trying and trying harder for you"
I really want to look away from him right now.
"I'm not asking for you to be my girl, not yet, you can relax"
Somehow, I feel relieved over his statement.
"But I'm asking you, to please open your heart a little bit and let me in"
Oh this guy. He might look young but his mind and heart........
"I know that you close it, and you don't even want to open it when someone knock really hard, Noona"
Oh no, no tears for now. Please, my eyes, please be gentle. I don't want to cry
"I'm not joking, I really want to be in your life"
A single tear down to my cheek.
"But I will wait, till you can open your heart to me. I don't want to push you, I just want you to know, how I really feel towards you"
"And I want to ask your permission to keep doing this, to keep trying because I don't want to lose you, that's for certain"
I take a deep breath.
"You'll get tired, Samuel. To wait for me, you'll get tired"
"I won't" He say it while looking into my eyes as if he's so sure to wait for me.
"I really like fishing, Noona. Back then in the US, my dad always took me to this beautiful, really beautiful pond outside my city. I could sit there waiting for hours for my net to be shaking while watching my surroundings. Nothing can beat the view"
"I'm not a fish, Samuel"
"You are not" He stop "You are the beautiful pond that could make me rest and wait for hours, that I could look into, that could make me even forget that I m fishing"
I'm not expecting that from him.
"You are too young too understand me, Samuel"
"Oh, so are we talking about age now? Is that really your reason, Noona?"
Oh shit, why would I mention age as a reason?
"No, I don't mean that. I don't care about that" Okay, now I am confused.
"Noona, let me in. Slowly. Someday. Just tell me when the day comes"
"Ah shit, I don't mean to push you, I'm sorry," he says it again. He's gentle, he doesn't want to hurt me.
God, he's so nice to me. Why is he making me bad women then?
"I'm sorry" He say again.
He's about to leave. I know that he's also frustrated with his feelings. I've been there. I am still there. I understand him so much. The different is, he's saying it out loud to me, while I'm not.
"Sam" Without I even realize I call and hold his hand, sign him to sit again. He looks into my eyes.
"If you really want to do this, then I'm going to be honest with you since you always honest to me"
I take a big gulp. I never mention this to anyone, he will either leave or stay, That's the only option. But he's got to know, otherwise, I will never move, carrying this feeling with me.
"I really love talking to you, we match in everything. I even forget about the time when I talk to you. You are so considerate, you also not give up on me easily. Yes, you are younger than me, but somehow you're more mature than me. And I like that about you. But........"
My hands shaking now, my heart beat faster.
"But, I may not be someone who you imagine about" I then hesitate, Samuel hold my hand tightly, "I'm a....." I take a deep breath.
"I am a bisexual, Sam" He look into my eyes and smile. And laugh a bit.
"Noona, that's not funny at all. If you want me to go away, you could just say it, no need to create an irrational reason just for me"
I'm not joking, dumb ass. He then look into my eyes again, my expression is still the same. Cause it's the truth. He then realizes.
"Ow you are not joking" He then let my hands go.
See, I already predict this.
"I once in relationship boys. I had boyfriends. And also I've been in love with a girl for 5 years now"
I can see that Samuel is si shock now.
"I know that my love for her is so absurd, and I want a way out. Can you be my way out then?" I say it selfishly.
Samuel is now silent looking at one object. He's gulping.
"You'll have so much trouble waiting for me knowing the fact that I love both genders. You said you'll wait for me to open my heart again. Well, how about now? Even when I'm ready to open it? Are you ready to accept me for who I am?"
It's no his time to be silent. I know that he wasn't expecting any of this. But really, I need to be honest with him. Yes, I do want to move forward, yes I do want to open my heart and forget about her. It's been painful these past years. But if this new person doesn't understand what I've been through, How could I possibly count on him?
That's me. Yes, I am so selfish. I have horns in my head, I tend to hurt people, that's why I always keep that for myself.
We both silent for almost 20 minutes now. This is the biggest confession I've ever done to someone, someone new. And for some reason, I don't really afraid to confess it to him. I look around. The night is cold, but still beautiful with the lamps from the skyscraper. He stares at the stream for a long time.
He won't answer me. He still in shock. I totally understand if he will take back his words to me a while ago. Like I said, he will leave me. I'll be fine.
I then stand up. It's shocking for him, I know. I'll be like that too If I were him.
"Noona" He call my name. I'm not ready to turn my back to him.
"You're wasting your time liking a girl like me, isn't it?"
"Too late, I already fall for you"
I can't face his face now.
"What if, I am still willing to wait? Won't you still try to open the door? As I think about it, I don't care about your preferences, Noona. At the end of the day, if you choose me, you will love me, right?"
"Sam........Don't be too emotional" I turn to face him, I want to slap him to the reality.
"You think it's easy to just let go my feelings away from you, It'll be hard for me"
He take my hand again, places it on his chest. He begs to me, "I want to ease your pain, I want to make it subside, I know that somewhere deep inside your heart that you want me too, I am confident about that. I know that somewhere inside, you know that I could be the guy who could make your fear gone"
"Use me, Noona"
"Sam......."
"I'll give you time, you could call me anytime you want when you're ready. I don't have a plan to give up on you. And please don't try to cut me off, out your life, please let me keep trying. If you want a way out, you should at least trying too, Noona" His last sentence tho.
"Again I don't care If you're a bisexual. It means that you still love men, right? I still have a chance then? I still give your heart beating right? I still make your heart move a bit, isn't it?"
He's right though. I nod my head.
"I really want you to know now, that what you say to me, it's not an excuse for me. It's who you are and I accept you for who you are" He holds my hands again.
"Let me wait for you, okay?"
Tears come again in my eyes, as he hugs me.
No one ever does something like this to me. No one even understands me the way he understands me. No one in my life could say something sincere like what he said to me. I should really think about my heart from now on. This man, if I let him go and wait for something that I even doubt, I'll be stupid. His feeling towards me is genuine. At least I know that.