We were certainly thirsty for each other. I didn't know where it all came from and how is it even possible that I have lost in it so quickly and completely. This relationship has become air for me, a refuge. I couldn't imagine myself living without him now. Every day with the thought that Minhyung can leave me, belonged to the worst one.
I felt my boyfriend's lips on my own and I already knew it was addictive. The way he smiled between kisses led me to madness. I loved him to death absolutely and I was aware that this was not the best thing for me. No extreme feelings are good. But I couldn't do anything about it. I gave every kiss as fervently as if it were the last.
Mark's hands gently grazed my thighs higher and higher, crossing the boundaries they had not previously violated. The boy's touch was warm and soothing, but at times it was causing concern for me. I was afraid of the moment when Minhyung will write that all the things that I'm giving him right now are not enough. When Minhyung will think that it's too little and he wants more and I won't be ready to give it to him. So what will be next then? We have not talked about sex ever since we started dating. I left it up completely to Mark's instinct and his ability to read my body's speech. Not even once did I give him the signal that I want to transfer this relationship to a higher level. But when the boy's hands slid gently under my shirt, I panicked. My body went through a cold chill of terror. I broke the kiss and grabbed the boy by the wrists. I didn't look in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" He asked softly, pulling a lost wisp from my forehead.
"Nothing," I whispered, looking through the car window into the field. The grass slowly turned yellow, bringing the autumn landscape into our daily routine. The shrubs bent toward the ground and the flowers closed and faded. The world was slowly falling asleep.
"Donghyuck..." he murmured like to the child, who hides a huge mystery. Like a parent who wants to mutter this statement that whatever the child does, he loves him infinitely. It convinced me.
"You know that if you want something more now... I... I don't want it for the time being" I started timidly, ending my sentence. I hoped thathhe would sketch in the rest of my thought by himself.
"I know," he said almost immediately without any hesitation. "I can see it, calm down," he smiled cheerfully, patting me comfortingly in thigh.
"I'm sorry," I sighed heavily, leaning forward. I hid my face in the hollow of Minhyung's neck, sliding my hands slightly between the driver's seat and the lower part of his back.
"Why are you apologizing to me for such a thing?" He wondered. "After all, we are in no hurry," he assured calmly, hugging me tight. I felt Minhyung's mouth on my shoulder.
"I have the impression that I... somehow keep you back," I muttered timidly.
"You're not keeping me back, baby," he denied. "It is good the way it is now."
"I see you want to go further. That's why I feel foolish for not being ready, "I said straight from the schoulder. Since we have entered the subject anyway, it was pointless to pretend that it did not exist.
"Well, I wasn't brought up by a monks, but I can wait. You don't have to worry about it at all, "he whispered. I leaned back a little to look at him doubtfully. "Donghyuck... my the sweetest sweetheart..." He laughed as if he made the best joke of the year. He grabbed me slowly by the palms, thumbs making small circles inside them. "We'll go on if and only if when you think you're ready, you understand? It is not up to me, not up to your mother or the headteacher of our school but it's up only to you. I don't encourage you to anything and I don't want you to feel any pressure from me, okay? "He asked, looking me straight in the eye. I returned the look, nodding slowly.
"Okay," I said simply, acknowledging the topic was over. Minhyung smiled.
"But it doesn't mean I don't want to hiton you, because it's quite another matter," he shook his head, as if it was a separate topic for another essay. I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes.
"Well, honestly, you didn't have to say it aloud," I said, descending from his knees. I fell heavily on the passenger seat. Minhyung was the master of killing a corny, serious moment with some stupid and inadequate comment.
"Look, kitty, it's probably good that you turn me on..." he started cautiously, but with that street-smart smile that betrayed me that the boy just wanted to shame me.
"Stop it now," I interrupted, shutting my eyes. I leaned elbow on the window and put hand to my forehead. I just wanted him to shut up, really. I felt the boy's hand slowly resting on my thigh.
"Think about what brilliant will be your first time, if I wait that long for you," he said suddenly something that was embarrassing me even more. I sent him a murderous look, in response to which he began to laugh. I sometimes wondered which one of us really is four years older.
"Fuck... Minhyung, take a ride, seriously. Because we'll be late for school, "I muttered angrily. I hated when he was doing some stupid theater form a matters that I was considering as very serious. For him maybe sex was not so important, but for me it was. I didn't want to say it aloud, because I didn't want to argue anymore.
"Some three seconds ago you didn't complain on time," he noted gaily, but still in a good mood.
"Minhyung..." I sighed heavily, obviously implying him that it would not be best for him if he continued to lead the conversation in this way.
"I'm kidding, honey," he said calmly, patting me with his fingers gently on the inside of my thigh. "I'm just kidding," he whispered after a moment, firing the engine of the car.
And that was Lee Minhyung after less than four months of dating - pissing to the limit.
///
We walked slowly down the empty corridor toward the library. Donghyuck had something to borrow or donate. I didn't know exactly. Still, lessons continued and the entire building was plunged into a quiet aura of intensive learning.
"I told you we would make it," I muttered under my breath. "Even the break is not yet there."
"I know, but when you're driving, you talk a lot less," Donghyuck said calmly, looking ahead.
"My heart..." I whispered in pain, putting my hand in place of potential injury. We went further in silence. At school we rarely talked to each other. Usually we simply passed without a word. This trip to the library was not the most reasonable move today but without it we spent rather little time together anyways. One walk through the school corridor would not be able to harm us in any way. "And do you count blowing as a sex?" I thought aloud. I didn't want to be nasty this time. It really puzzled me. Donghyuck stood still, sighing heavily. He looked at me with fatigue and disbelief at the same time.
"Are you out of your mind today with this boning, fucking pervert?" He asked with a delicate smile lurking somewhere in the corners of his mouth. After all, I saw that he was a little bit amused.
"I don't know..." I shrugged. "Somehow today you act on me more than usual," I admitted sincerely. It really was true. I could not explain it to myself, but sometimes there were times when I wanted Hyuck closer to me than usual. I wanted to spend the whole day with him, sitting on the couch under the blanket, watching some dumb serial or fairy tale. Just too seldom I had him just for myself. It was a little tiring at times.
"You're going to go beyond the mark even a little bit more and I'll give you a ban on touching me in any way" he whispered as we stood at the library. I smiled under my breath, opening the door to him.
"Princess.." I muttered, slightly hissing. Donghyuck laughed silently, shaking his head sideways, then we both went inside.
I had really good humor today. I got up and was full of energy. When I went down, Hyuck was already in the kitchen waiting for me. I dreamed that there would be some other, more benefits from fact of Donghyuck having a key to my house than a mere coming over from time to time. I was afraid, however, that the proposal for him to move in was not the best thing to do now. It was probably a little too early. Like for many other things.
"Good morning," I greeted happily with the librarian.
"Good morning, Mr. Lee," she said cheerfully, and Donghyuck rolled his eyes. I laughed under my breath as the boy passed me by, leaving behind with an older woman. I was rolling with the local teachers somehow. Even if I wasn't interested in them in any way, the feeling that accompanied this interest was very pleasant. Hyuck was usually just embarrassed and hurried away.
"How are you doing today?" I asked, leaning sideways on a bookcase standing right at her desk.
"Very well, it's really lovely weather," she said, not quite aware of what he was telling. How nice weather could enjoy while sitting at work? It always depressed me. Last sunny days of this year were on school days and the weekends were full of heavy rain. Very rarely did I go out with Donghyuck.
"Ideal for assorting with literature," I said when leaving, running quickly between the library shelves.
I found Donghyuck almost at the very end of the room in a small corner with foreign literature. He was walking slowly over the ruined back of the books that had been there for ages. European or American books didn't enjoy much popularity in these regions, so I wasn't surprised that the printing was never increased and the copies were not exchanged for decades.
"What are you looking for?" I asked, looking at the stuffed shelves.
"Wuthering Heights," he said quietly, not even looking at me. I wanted to point out to him that the novels should be searched for names and that it is easier then, but after a second it got to me why it takes so long. Books were not alphabetically sorted. This mess made it impossible for a quick fix.
"For classes?" I muttered, standing behind Hyuck.
"Mhm, for English," he whispered, staring down at the lower shelf as I saw the selected copy at the top. I laughed triumphantly, standing on my toes and reaching for the book. I ran my fingers over the cover slowly, remembering all its storyline.
"Beautiful novel" I sighed dreamily.
"Did you read?" Donghyuck asked in surprise, rising from his knees. He clamped his knee slowly down from the library dust.
"I had to, after all, I studied literature," I said amused, throwing the book several times in my hand.
"Oh yes," he stated, stepping closer. "And what's the plot?" He asked as I handed him the "Wuthering Heights". When he wanted to take it, I held it tighter and looked deeply into his eyes.
"About the tragic but beautiful and absolute love of two people entangled in the game of perverse fate," I whispered, significantly reducing the distance between our lips. Donghyuck, however, kept his stone face.
"You made it up," he simply stated, killing all the romanticism that I was trying to put into this brief review. I sighed heavily while letting go of the book.
"No, this time I'm telling the truth," I assured him briefly, putting my hands in trouser pockets. "You should like it," I shrugged. "A book so boring that truly fascinating."
"You have a somewhat strange definition of fascination," he laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. I leaned over Donghyuck again, touching his cheek gently. Our faces were millimeters apart.
"That's why I cannot even step away from you," I whispered.
"You suggest I'm boring?" He asked, frowning.
"No," I chuckled, hitting his nose with mine. "I suggest you are fascinating," I muttered, linking our lips. Donghyuck quickly returned the kiss, but it didn't take long. He stepped away from me shortly afterwards with a rather unhappy face.
"We are at school, Mark. Don't do this ever again "he reminded me of common sense, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of the sweatshirt.
"You turned to me by another name, wow," I joked to relax the atmosphere.
"When you piss me off, I'll treat it as your annoying and kinky alter ego," he smiled venomously, evasively. I laughed as quietly as I could and grabbed him by the elbow.
"You know what?"
"What?"
"I love you Hyuckie," I said sweetly, causing a blush on his face. Donghyuck looked down and turned his back to me.
"Justy let's go already," he said under his breath, moving forward with the book under his armpit.
I followed him with a smile on face. I didn't mind that Hyuck never confessed to me in any way. As long as I knew these feelings were in his heart, I thought about it calmly. At least I was aware that when these two words finally leave his mouth, it will really mean a lot.
///
One thing was certain - I had to admit Minhyung was right. The book was so damn dull that at some point it started pulling me and fascinated me. The first time I experienced something like that. When I don't like something, I just put it aside. When a novel completely absorbs me, I swallow it one evening. With "Wuthering Heights" it was completely different. Nothing was going here at all. The language of the book was quite accessible, but at times it was unintelligible to me. The plot was based on some deeper story, but right from the beginning I could roughly predict the probable root of the family's problems. That is why I would like to say that reading in itself is boring, but I was not able to. Something in it fascinated me immeasurably and drew between rows.
On the History I entered the spirit of my reading so much that Jeno had to get me out of trance. It turned out that the bell was ringing, and I somehow did not record the sound, which I always was expecting. Now I was walking quietly down the corridor, ignoring the scurrying kids.
I cannot say exactly whether this was what provoked everything that happened later or if it would have happened anyway. I knew, however, that when the book was torn from my hands and thrown to the opposite wall, the probability that I would follow its fate was relatively high. On the floor I saw the bovver boots standing in front of me and immediately began to wonder what I did wrong in my life. I didn't want to live that way. I looked up slowly to see well-known, boyish face destroyed by an eternal grimace of life's unhappiness and cigarettes.
Haru.
I swallowed, making eye contact with him. I have not seen him since the start of the year. I hoped that he finally gave up education and went his own way. That's what I just dreamed for. I am here and he is somewhere in a completely different place. I felt panic rising in me. People started to form around us in circle so well known to me already. I had the impression that I would start hyperventilating right away. I was not looking for help anywhere, I did not call it, I did not run. It didn't make sense. The psychologist once told me that for years I had developed the mentality of the victim and learned to be helpless. I did not know if that was true, but I think I should believe her. I was about to fight it, but I could not.
"Long time no see, shitty," he hissed hostilely, then gave me a first punch and I landed on the ground.
///
Memories seized me absolutely. I wanted to remind myself of the old days, the studies, those fantastic people and the born teachers spirited by art that inspired me. That's why I went to a teacher's library and checked my copy of "Wuthering Heights" out in English. I missed using it every day. In Korea, it was difficult to communicate in English even in the capital so I could dream about it especially in Ansan. Talking to my family or Johnny was a rather poor linguistic rescue for me.
I got my class, which I have to look after, take care of its cleanliness, appoint duty on the kids who have it according to their timetable. For some it might seem like a problem, but for me it was salvation. Thanks to that, I rarely stayed in the teacher's room and for long breaks I could spend time quietly in the closed class. I smiled under my breath when I read my favorite part. My silent humming, however, was disturbed by the loud door slam, where a breathless student appeared. I sighed hard, breaking away from reading. Before I could ask anything, the boy interrupted me.
"Professor Lee, there is a fight at the end of the corridor," he shouted, picking me up from the chair. I dropped the book on the counter and ran after the student who led me to the wall made of the kids who were shouting and selling a wolf tickets. Above the heads I saw Mr. Moon, who was holding a boy with blue hair fumbling with him. I would swear blind I first saw him in this school; and someone with such a characteristic haircut was hard to overlook.
"Get up!" the boy screamed, still shaking. "Haechan, you bastard! Too bad you just did not die then! "
When I broke through the last pupils, the smeared on the floor blood welcomed me. I looked at Mr. Moon, who just nodded toward the boy lying on the ground. I quickly turned to look at him, immediately lurching. Suddenly I felt how weak I was. My hands began to shake and I couldn't control them.
"Donghyuck," I whispered, hurrying quickly to the boy. I grabbed his arm and lightly shook him. I brushed his hair off face, repeating his name on and on. Literally for a second he made eye contact with me, and later his eyes fled to the back of his head. "Fuck," I swore, swiftly taking his hand. I got up as fast as I could and headed for the nurse's office. The students parted like the sea in the Scriptures, making us the necessary passage. "Donghyuck!" I shouted, wanting to wake him somehow. "Donghyuck!" I tried again when I didn't get any response. There was a murmuring noise between his lips, and a grimace of pain appeared on his lips. "Don't even dare to faint, kid," I asked weakly, though I wasn't even sure if my words were coming to him.
I stepped aggressively into the nurse's office without knocking and wondered if someone would be there naked in the annual balance sheet. Mrs. Choi, however, quietly drank coffee, completely unaware of what had happened on the school corridor.
"Good God," she said, when I slowly put Donghyuck on the couch. The boy moaned loudly, clenching his jaw and grabbing hold of his stomach.
"There was a fight in the corridor and..." I began to say quickly what had happened, though I was so shocked that I didn't even know if anything would help. The nurse, however, had a slightly less drowned mind than me and very quickly shoved me away.
"May you step back," she ordered and before I could react anyhow, the woman was already wearing gloves and dug syringe into Donghyuck's thigh. "It will stop the ache, darling," she whispered faintly, stroking him slowly over his head. "Hardly a school year has begun and you are here again, hm?" she asked rhetorically, crouching by the bed. I, in turn, continued to stand stupefy beacause of the urgency of all these events. I couldn't function normally in such stress and unpredictability. Only I started to get to know what exactly had happened. I noticed that my shirt was stained with Donghyuck's blood and he was beaten and half-conscious in the school nurse's office.
"Sorry" the silence of the room was interrupted by his hoarse, weak voice. "I didn't plan it," he added after a second.
"As always, sunshine," she said in a warm, motherly voice. "As always," she muttered after a moment, reaching for blanket with free hand. She covered Donghyuck when she was sure that the boy was asleep. She got up quickly and smoothly, pulling the latex gloves off, throwing them straight into the trash and exchanging them for new ones. She set a stool to Hyuck's bed and sat on it with a set of various disinfectants and a package of cotton swabs, gauze pads and other dressings. She began to gently wash off the blood from boy's face, disinfecting the wounds inflicted by the blue-haired hooligan. I stared at his closed eyelids, his blood-smeared face and his slightly open mouth. It was not clear to me that this day was so good in the morning and it came out just to be that way. What happened? "Have an eye on him," the nurse said suddenly, getting me away from the thoughts. Her cold tone sounded as if it was my fault that this situation had taken place at all. "I don't want to see him here anymore," she said stiffly, and I shook my head involuntarily because the state of the shock still was not allowing me to do something more. "You are new here, aren't you?" She asked quietly after a few dozen minutes. She turned to my side, pulling off another pair of gloves. I had no idea which one. Again nodded affirmatively. "This school is not the safest in the world, but Haechan gets here too often, even for such a school."
"Haechan?" I asked in a hoarse voice.
"That's the name of this boy," she explained, making me to know less and less each moment. "I put you under an obligation of keeping him safe," she continued in the same tone. "This is a golden angel. He had the misfortune of running across such a sadist as Haru. "
"Do you know why this is recuring?" I whispered, approaching Donghyuck. I crouched at his head, struggling with the need to touch him in any way.
"Haechan was attending with Haru for the same therapeutic group somewhere in the city. From what I know, after school rumors have spread that Haru prefers boys. "She shrugged, placing in the drawer previously used disinfectants. "You know, I don't judge. But it seems to me that he blamed Haechan for that. Finally they were in one group. "She sat behind her desk, watching me closely. She was a young woman. She couldn't be much older than me. "Haru has become a laughingstock and kids can be as cruel as anyone else. He began to haunt Haechan, though it is certainly not his fault that this happened. "
"Hae... Haechan was going to therapy?" I asked uncertainly. I felt like I was asking a curiosity of a completely alien person. It was not clear to me that my Donghyuck and Haechan were one person.
"From what I know, he probably still does this ," she sighed heavily, sousing a sip of afternoon coffee in which we prevented her.
"Why?" I said almost silently. My heart was filled with the fear that I didn't want to know the answer to that question at all. Mrs. Choi looked out the window from which the view of the gymnasium in the next building was visible. She probably didn't like talking about such matters.
"I don't know why..." she bit her lower lip for a second, then continued. "I don't know why such a wonderful child almost succeeded in suicide," she said finally and dumbfounded me. "He always had a good education, he had friends, but a few years ago something changed. Nobody knows what was causing this. "She shook her head to the side, as if she herself wanted to know the secret of Donghyuck. "You probably don't understand, because you're from Canada, but our nation is suffering the curse of suicide. Young people are getting their lives on such a scale that tunnels in undergrounds have been glazed. Year after year it is getting worse. However, I think that the year that Haechan spent at the insane asylum helped him somehow, he is better and he will be better. I have not seen him smiling for a long time, and lately he's doing it more and more often. "She smiled and I asked nothing more. I learned much more today than I wanted, much more than I should know. "This kid is like my beloved younger brother," she said at the end. "I cannot see how he's coming here in this state."
~~
I feel that its shitty somehow. I wrote it very fast, in hurry and... I don't know, its odd chapter. Whats more O was too lazy and tired to check the mistakes so im sorry for that too.